


Chief Helmsman of Voyager: Personal Logs of Lt. Thomas Paris

by jamelia116



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Crew as Family, F/M, Returning Home, The Borg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 17:20:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 158,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6575164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamelia116/pseuds/jamelia116
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Excerpts from the personal logs of Thomas Eugene Paris of Voyager, in which he describes critical events and his impressions of the crew of Voyager during their epic 7 year journey home and the year following their return, as edited by his daughter Admiral Miral Paris Riker (ret.). (New 2013-2016--complete) Disclaimer: Paramount owns all. Jamelia is just borrowing the characters to provide some of the continuity Paramount left out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Year One

**Chief Helmsman of _Voyager_ 's Personal Logs**

**_Excerpts from the Personal Logs of Thomas Paris in the Delta Quadrant_ **

**by jamelia**

**Introduction by Admiral Miral Paris-Riker (ret.)**

Over the years, many people have begged my family to publish the personal logs recorded by my parents from 2371 to 2378, during _USS Voyager's_ epic journey through the Delta Quadrant. While my parents still lived, neither had any desire to prepare their logs for publication. My father always said his holonovels spoke well enough for him. My mother ridiculed the very idea anyone would want to bother to read her logs. "I'm an engineer," she always said, "not an author. I leave that sort of nonsense to your father."

 

After our parents' passing, my brothers John and Owen and my sister Kathryn and I met and discussed what we should do, as our parents bequeathed all of their papers to us jointly. By the terms of their wills, we had to reach a consensus or do nothing with them at all.

 

We were inclined to follow their lead for several reasons. One, it was simply easier. There was just so darn much material to wade through. None of us was willing to take on the job. Since many members of _Voyager's_ crew had published memoirs over the years, with our parents prominently featured in all of them, there seemed to be little need. Besides, even this long after _Voyager's_ return to the Alpha Quadrant, some of the material contained in the logs is classified. And finally, the huge elephant in the room: we were sure they would need extensive editing because their active sex lives were bound to be a prominent feature.

 

No child really wants to think about his or her parents' sex lives. We look around, we see how many children in the family, and we know our parents had sex at least that many times during their marriage. While we know it isn't likely to be the only times our parents indulged, we prefer not to contemplate how many other times, let alone learn any of the details.

 

With my parents, once we were old enough to know what sex was, that preference simply was not an option. I do not wish to convey the idea that my parents were ever inappropriate in front of their children.  Far from it. However, they took such obvious joy in being together, we really couldn't miss the evidence. My mother was half-Klingon, and my father tried to encourage her to explore that side of herself -- with him -- as often as possible.

 

I remember when I was about 5 or 6 years old. I asked my father if I could come and play with them instead of going to my own bed, because it sounded like they were having a lot of fun. Kathryn was too little to play with (she was barely a year old at the time). He said no, I was too young for that sort of game. I asked him how old I would have to be before I could play games like they did. His answer: "Oh, about thirty."

 

When, like most children, my school friends clued me into the Big Mystery, I immediately understood what sorts of games my parents played at night (and sometimes at other times of the day, when they thought they were alone), marked by the thumps of heavy objects bouncing off of the walls; the sound of the dermal regenerator that my father used so frequently in the morning before shaving; my mother cleaning up a broken piece of pottery, humming cheerfully. (If one of us ever broke anything, she gave us a stern lecture to be more careful around fragile objects and then forced us to clean up the mess ourselves.)

 

When we finally read their logs, we found our expectations in regards to the probability of their sexual content were not ill-founded. My mother had the regrettable tendency to forget to stop recording before they began activities rather more personal than most personal logs contain. My father's logs included very frank self-appraisals of his own bad behavior habits, especially during the early days (and sometimes he forgot to end the recording when heavy objects started to get thrown, too).

 

So we came to a consensus. We agreed not to publish them.

 

And then that obnoxious book came out, purporting to be my father's logs. _"The_ Voyager _Logs of Thomas E. Paris"_ is a total fabrication, not to mention character assassination of the worst order. My siblings and I forced ourselves to read through it in order to compare it with the genuine article. I can state unequivocally, and my brothers and sister will back me on this, that not one of those "logs" was dictated or written by my father. The style is totally different from the way he dictated or wrote his logs. We have his true logs describing many of the same incidents, and they are totally different from what was published in this counterfeit version. The most scurrilous sections came word for word from the memoirs of crew mates. All were taken from their recollections of my father during the first year or so of the journey. In later sections of their memoirs, after they got to know him, they repudiated these earlier perceptions as being inaccurate depictions of my father's character. None of these clarifications made it into " _The_ Voyager _Logs_ " text.

 

My father himself admitted that much of the first year, and into the second, he acted very badly (my mother would always mutter "total pig" whenever the subject came up). He said he didn't like himself very much at the time. Because he felt tremendous guilt over the accident that took the lives of his friends at Caldik Prime, as well as shame about ducking responsibility right after it happened, in his own eyes he had been a total failure. He tried to cover up his feelings of inadequacy by acting like he didn't care. It took quite a while for the others on the ship to realize not only that he really did care a very great deal, but that he was prepared to sacrifice his life, if necessary, to save the lives of his crew mates. From some of the events, in fact, I believe it's a miracle he lived long enough to father any of us.

 

The worst accusations, however, had to do with the assertion he married my mother because he wanted a regular sexual partner; and since he had already dated everyone else on _Voyager_ , she was the only one left. According to that book, he had to "make do" with her. If my family ever discovers who wrote those logs, we will sue for libel. My father was as devoted to my mother as she was to him. During the memorial service for her, he confided to my husband and me that he was ready to go any time, because my mother told him she had no intention of going into Sto-Vo-Kor without him, so he'd better not be late. He died less than six weeks after she did. We are all convinced it was of a broken heart.

 

Because of the popularity of this bastardization of my father's life, however, my family finally determined it was worth the time to sift through their actual logs and publish what we could. It has taken me almost three years of full time work, since my own retirement from Starfleet, to edit this material.

 

I have been asked by many to publish my own memoirs. After this experience, my answer will always be, "Not a chance." Anyone wishing to read a biography of my life will have to nag my son Thomas or my daughter Kiara for one. I'm never going to do this again.

 

I must convey all my thanks, gratitude, and much love to my husband Thomas Riker for his patience, support, and fact checking. Since log entries often had to be made some time after a crisis had ended, the Stardates do not always accurately reflect the timing of the events described. His willingness to do research to check on facts like this to enable us to correct what we could prior to the publication of this volume was invaluable. I also must thank my sister Kathryn Paris Reed and my brothers John and Owen Paris and their families for contributing their time, energy, and recollections so that these logs can be made available to you.

 

Especially, I thank my parents B'Elanna Torres and Thomas Eugene Paris for being the best, most loving parents ever.

 

We miss you all the time, Mom and Dad. With any luck, we'll see you both in Sto-Vo-Kor someday.

 

 

\------------------------------------------------------Miral Paris Riker

                                                                        San Francisco, Earth,  November 8, 2458

 

 

* * *

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Year One:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Personal Log, Thomas Eugene Paris, aboard U.S.S. Voyager, Stardate 48315.6 

How's this for a kick. Thomas Eugene Paris, making a personal log entry on a Starfleet vessel. Ha! I'd better not get used to it. Captain Janeway's made it oh, so very clear that this is going to be a very short trip. A little vacation from my comfortable digs in New Zealand. She said if I helped find the Maquis vessel that had gone missing, I'd get a good recommendation at my next review. Right.

A protégée of my father's is certainly going to just love what Tommy Paris has to offer. Especially when it's exactly nothing. 

I keep telling the Feds I don't know anything, and they don't believe me. The Maquis are long gone from Malagra, I know that. All the Maquis. I can't help them. But at least I'm free, for as long as it lasts. It may only be a few weeks before I'm back in Auckland, but I'll enjoy it as long as I can. With luck, at least I'll get laid.

On the shuttle ride to Deep Space Nine from the transport, I thought I had a shot with Lieutenant Stadi. I always thought that Betazoids didn't read your minds unless you said it was okay. One of the rules of being a good little telepath. I think she broke the rules there, for a moment. Or maybe I did come on a little too strong. Hell, she's the first woman I've had a crack at since . . . well, since I got stashed into prison. 

Janeway really was pretty cordial to me, though, I have to admit. Not like Cavit and the doctor. Fitzgerald? Yeah, I think that's the doctor's name. I can do without those two, with their snide remarks. Harry -- Harry Kim -- asked me why they were freezing me out, and I told him I was tired of telling the story. I don't figure I need to bother. It's only a matter of time before they fill in the kid on my glorious career.

Not long at all. 

Harry's a good kid, even if he is naive. That Ferengi was going to skin him for every credit he possessed! I actually enjoyed hanging out with him. Too bad it isn't going to last. It was almost like back on the Exeter. Before it all went so bad.

Anyway, we headed out of DS9 a few hours ago and we're headed for the Badlands to see if we can find my good old friend Chakotay and his lovely consort Seska. And whoever else is with him.

Chakotay, I could give a rat's ass about turning in. He always thought I was a damned spy anyway. Seska is undeniably one of the worst c . . . no, I'm not going to use that word any more, even in a personal log. I promised myself I wouldn't think that way again, not act like such a jerk any more. Let me just say that throwing that bitch Seska's ass in jail would be a pleasure. Almost worth going back to jail myself. But . . . .

Oh, God, please, let Laren not be with them anymore.

End Personal Log

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Personal Log, Thomas Eugene Paris, aboard U.S.S. Voyager, Stardate 48317.2 

Ran into Stadi today. She wouldn't even say "hello." Guess Cavit or Fitzgerald got to her. Too bad. Dark hair. Betazoid black eyes. Great bod. Smooth forehead . . . .

Don't go there, Tommy boy. Let's just say, hey, you can't have everything.

The captain called me into her ready room this evening. She showed me what this Tuvok had on the Maquis crew. It's the Val Jean he was on. Definitely Chakotay's ship. No mention of Ro, thank God. Knowing how notorious she is to Starfleet, I can't imagine Janeway's security chief not mentioning her if she were with them.

God, I hope she isn't dead. Or captured. I'm sure I would have heard about her capture, even in Auckland. She heard about me screwing up at Caldik Prime when she was in prison on Jaros II.

No, I won't believe it. She's fine. Ro Laren finally just came to her senses and went home, to Bajor, where she belongs. I hope. I hope her Prophets help her find peace.

Anyway, we talked a little about what I knew of the Badlands. I told Janeway I didn't know much. I was tempted to tell her that the biggest Maquis hideout was at Port Hakkarond on Delistor. Visiting that charming place might have been fun. Such wonderful memories! The lovely Garinta, charming flower of womanhood. Getting rolled in an alley. Getting beaten half to death. Laren and me, in that crummy room, with the sun shining on her body, that last morning . . . . No, all the memories from there weren't bad, were they?

I didn't tell Janeway that, finally, because for all I know, that's where they really are now. There were enough sympathizers in Port Hakkarond, I know that. And I really don't want to betray the Maquis, not really. Chakotay and Seska are one thing. The whole movement? That's another. It may not have been my fight, but they were fighting against injustice, against the Cardassians. I don't think they were wrong. 

It's funny. I tell the truth, and they don't believe me. Maybe I should just tell them I am the Maquis. Or maybe that dear old Dad, most forgiving parent in the known universe and Starfleet admiral par excellence, is the ringleader of the whole damn organization. 

I wonder how Admiral Paris would like spending some up close and personal time in the same prison as his only son?

No, Mom doesn't deserve that. And the sad thing is, everybody would probably believe that lie!

I'll just go on, telling Janeway the truth. 

I don't know a fucking thing about the Maquis.

End Personal Log

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Personal Log, Thomas Eugene Paris, aboard U.S.S. Voyager, Stardate 48321.9 

The Delta Quadrant. I'm in the fucking Delta Quadrant, over 70,000 light years away from home. The chances of me getting back to New Zealand in my lifetime are almost nil. Especially since all the Maquis are ready to kill me for "betraying" them, my lifetime isn't going to be all that long anyway.

Isn't life grand.

Actually, I guess I should be happy to be alive. A lot of people aren't. I can't say I'm broken up about the loss of Cavit and Fitzgerald. But poor Stadi. She had actually smiled at me when she walked down to take the conn. It's really too bad. Maybe there could have been something there. She was a pilot, too. Stuck out here, maybe, eventually, I would have been able to break through with her. There was something about her. Maybe we could have had a future together.

I'm deluding myself. I don't have much of a future, do I? I'm going to be spending the rest of my life waiting for somebody to stab me in the back.

I'm glad we got Harry Kim back from those Ocampa, though. He's a great kid. Not very smart, hanging around with me. When one of the Maquis on board finally gets me, they're liable to take Harry out, too. 

I'm not sure it was a smart thing to do, saving Chakotay's life like that. He still hates me, even if the captain claims he's my "protector" now. But I just couldn't leave him down there to die. He might have been glad to leave me down there. Maybe it wouldn't have been such a loss if I was the one who'd been stuck down there. We needed him to get away from those Kazon thugs, when he crashed into the array. Or the Kazon ship, come to think of it, I think that's what he did. It'll be easy for Janeway to make the Maquis and the Voyager crew into one with his help. His people respect him. And like I said, it's some kind of Indian thing. He owes me now because I saved his life.

Yeah, like he really cares. 

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 48323.7

I can't believe I'm actually able to dictate that. Chief Helmsman. Lieutenant (j.g.) Thomas Eugene Paris. Only a field commission, but am I going to worry about that now? I've got at least 73 years to enjoy that commission, assuming I don't do anything to screw up again. And I'm not going to screw up anything again. I don't ever want to do anything to disgrace myself with Janeway. She actually believes in me.

I still can't believe Chakotay's put out the word that anyone who does anything to me has to answer to him. He's going to be pretty damn busy, I bet, trying to keep me from being attacked by anyone. His crew is just itching to get at me, but they'll have to wait their turn. The Starfleet crew figures they've got dibs on getting me, because they all seem to have gotten the low down from Cavit and Fitzgerald about my dubious Starfleet achievement at Caldik Prime. There isn't anybody here that likes me, except Harry. And maybe that sweet little Ocampa thing, Kes. 

I'd love to get something going with Kes, but that odd little alien boyfriend of hers, Neelix, gave me the evil eye when I said "hello" after I got my commission back. I don't know what there is about him, but I have this really strong hunch that I'd better not mess around with his girlfriend. He seems like the kind who can take care of himself. I have to respect anyone who can keep a piece of junk like his ship flying, too. Talaxian, he is. Just one of the many new alien species we can expect out here in the Delta Quadrant. If the Alpha Quadrant is any gauge, I figure we'll run into a couple of friendly species for every unfriendly. 

Wait, the Borg are from the Delta Quadrant. The scales might be tipped there, just a tad. 

Borg, Kazon, Talaxian, Ocampa. I don't much care, as long as I am far, far away from dear old Dad. Things can't be any worse out here than they were at home. I'm back in Starfleet again, but I don't have to put up with The Admiral's expectations. Maybe I've lucked out by being thrown into Paradise.

Now, if I can just find somebody to sleep with. We've got 161 people on this ship, but only half of them are women. I'd better hurry and find someone soon. People are going to be pairing off. I'll have to see who I can find who's reasonably good looking and easy to get along with, because I'm not about to count on finding a woman on shore leave. I don't think there're too many women like Kes, who are willing to hook up with somebody who's headed to the other side of the galaxy. It's going to have to be somebody on this ship. Not a whole lot to choose from.

It would be great to find somebody who could be my best friend, not that I can expect that. I'll never find anybody like Ro Laren again. That kind of love comes along once in a lifetime, if you're lucky. 

That little Klingon engineer, though. Torres. I wonder, is she the one Ro kept teasing me about? The one she said she had to keep me away from, because she knew I'd like her forehead ridges? She really is a beauty, but she's a tough broad. She saw me giving her the once over in the mess hall and told me that if I tried anything with her, she'd cut off my balls and throw them into another quadrant. I laughed, but the thing is, she made me nervous as hell. I wouldn't put it past her. She could be a very good time. Wild sex. That's the rep for Klingon women, not that I've ever had one. They're usually not my type. Monogamous types aren't my type.

Paris, quit dreaming. She's a Klingon, for God's sake. She'd never in a million years have anything to do with a dishonorable jerk like you. Besides, she seems to like Harry. If he can ever stop moaning about his Libby, Torres will be right there. She likes him, I can tell. Hope Harry is smart enough to know what he's got there.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 48441.7

That Torres is some hot number. Man, she flattened Carey with one punch. Broke his nose. Then Janeway made her Chief Engineer.

I wish I'd have thought of that. Hey, Dad, let me punch you in the mouth so I can get promoted to admiral. 

Nah. It's a Klingon thing, I think.

I can't believe I'm getting shoved into field medic duty, though. Supervised by a smart computer program, yet. Life in the Delta Quadrant. A new surprise every day.

I think I'm going to have to do some holodeck programming for my entertainment, because the only ones who'll talk to me, other than Harry, are holodeck characters. Computer program bosses. Computer programmed friends. Hey, things are looking up for me. As long as the computers are working.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 48524.7

I finally found out about Ro today. I asked Seska, who of course cut me dead and refused to tell me. Torres took pity on me, though. She told me that Ro went back to Bajor, after paying off my bar tab at the tavern in Malagra. I can't remember the name of the place now. Ro was "kind of upset" about my "screwing up" and "getting myself caught." While that's not exactly what happened, it's okay. As long as she got back okay, that's all I care about. I know I have to let go. I'm never going to see her again. 

There are some very attractive women on this ship, though. Ensign Brooks is a knockout, but she's another Harry -- engaged to somebody in the Alpha Quadrant and wouldn't even think of dating anyone. Torres is great looking, but she's half Klingon. I'm lucky she even talks to me. Nicoletti is attractive, but she's aloof. That leaves the Delaney sisters. They're probably the most beautiful girls on the ship, as long as you like long-legged redheads with dazzling smiles. Unfortunately, they come as a matched set. Double-dates only. There's a few guys who seem to think that means wild orgies. Not hardly. The double dating thing is a great way to keep guys at arm's length.

It's a good thing that Jenny's made it known she's attracted to Harry. Really attracted to him. Megan seems like she'd be more my type, the fun-loving type. She's not prejudiced against me, either. I'm not sure why that is, but I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Did I really say that about somebody I want to date? God, I disgust myself sometimes. But with only 77 women on this boat, I can't be too picky. 

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 48547.8

We had a very interesting adventure yesterday. We found this nebula that was loaded with omicron particles, and the captain was just itching to get some. Our energy situation has been going from bad to worse lately, and our replicator rations have been cut to very little. Just about the only thing we have enough power to do is go to the holodeck, because that's powered by a separate energy supply. Not that I'd like to give up any holodeck time just to get a cup of coffee, but the captain certainly might. When she saw that nebula, her eyes lit up and she ordered us to go inside. Didn't look like a coffee shop to me, but that's what the captain saw. 

Too bad it was really a living entity. We ended up having to waste one of our photon torpedoes to blow enough of a hole in the creature to get out. Then we had to go back inside to heal the wound up. We almost got caught again, but we managed to slip out before the wound totally healed up. Neelix came up with another planet that might help us with our energy reserves, so hopefully all goes well.

One other thing happened. I had shown Harry my Paris 3 Holodeck Program, "Chez Sandrine," my recreation of Sandrine's bar in Marseille. It's not exactly the same, but I put a lot of work into it over the past few weeks so it will be a fun place for me to go. I'm making it a public program. The rest of the crew (except for Harry, of course) still doesn't like me much, but they're welcome to go have some fun there, too. 

Of course, I had Ricky there. Ricky, the fully functional holographic woman. I always put her in my programs. Then there's the pool table. And what's a pool table without a pool shark? So Gaunt Gary is in there, too. I might not have needed to add him, though. The captain came into the bar. I thought we'd be able to fleece her of her replicator credits, but the joke was on us. She's a shark herself. Won every game she played.

And I couldn't resist a little fun when I programmed the bar. Since I had Ricky and Sandrine for the guys and girls who are so inclined, I had to do something for the fair sex of our crew, so I stuck in a gigolo. Torres was not amused. She called him a pig -- and said I was one, too, for inventing him.

What can I say? I guess I do have my piggy moments. Had to admit, I was a bit hurt when she said that. Hurt, but a little bit thrilled, too. A strong negative reaction is better than no reaction at all, right?

It could have been worse. She could have punched me and broken my nose, like she did with Carey.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 48599.1

Well, I'm back. 

This personal log was potentially one of the shortest ever in the annals of personal logs, because I almost spent the rest of my life on Banea, reliving the death of a murder victim every 14 hours. That's their punishment for murder. According to our EMH, eventually it would have been a death penalty for me. I'd have gone insane or suffered irreversible brain damage if it had gone on much longer. Thanks to Commander Tuvok, who did that Vulcan mind-meld thing with me, we were able to prove I wasn't the murderer, from what was in the memory itself. The murderer was shorter than me, for one thing. The piece de resistance, though, was Tuvok's very special witness. It's not often that a little dog can testify in court, but that's what happened when he identified the Banean doctor who was the real culprit and a traitor. They were transferring stolen state secrets about weaponry to the Numiri, who are at war with the Baneans. The data was buried within the memory. I owe Tuvok big time, and I told him so.

Harry asked me if I wanted to go to Sandrines tonight to celebrate. I wasn't in the mood. Instead, I sat around in my quarters by myself, thinking. Yeah, I do reflect upon things every now and then. Probably not often enough. Maybe that needs to change. I really need to do it more often, because I know what got me into trouble. I can't seem to stop myself from doing the cherchez la femme thing. I'm always flirting with pretty women. Not that that's a bad thing in and of itself, but when they're married women, you're asking for trouble. Not only that, but Lidell Ren was one of those late 1940's to 1950's film noir bad girls, like Barbara Stanwyck in "Double Indemnity," with me playing the Fred MacMurray chump role. Her husband was older, but he was a good guy. I shouldn't have ever let myself get near enough to her for her to play me the way she did.

Dad always said my gonads were going to get me into trouble, and the way I almost hooked up with Lidell Ren, they were certainly dragging me into the biggest trouble of all. I didn't sleep with her. I don't even know if we did anything, really, except for flirting with each other. I'm still not sure which memories were really mine and which ones were planted by that murderous Banean doctor, the one who was really Lidell's secret lover. What a set-up. The guy who was in charge of my punishment was the traitor working with the Numiri. How do I get myself into these situations? By letting my gonads do the talking, that's how.

I'm out here, and I've got a chance for a new start, and I almost blew it big time. I'm still thinking of myself as that failure and loser who screwed up his career by not being honest when he needed to be, after Caldik Prime. I sacrificed myself for Chakotay and his Maquis crew, and they still don't see it. Maybe that's what I deserve, because I acted pretty badly around them, until Laren set me straight. And then I lost her, too. I'm not sorry about what I did to save her and the others, but I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I lost her. I landed in prison. It happened. I have to accept it. If I keep setting myself up like this for failure, I'm going to continue to be just that. 

I can't say I'm going to swear off women forever, but I've got to be a bit pickier. I need to develop a taste for women who are worth going after. 

Too bad the selection is so limited on this boat. Megan is a great girl. I'm not sure she's one I'd want to spend my life with, but I might not have any other choice.

Now, if Kes ever decided to break up with Neelix, she might be a possibility. She's beautiful, sweet, and surprisingly spunky. Life with her would be short, though. The Ocampa life span is only something like eight or nine years. So short a season.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 48664.2

Seska is a Cardassian. I never liked the bitch, but I have to admit, I never saw that coming. She had her DNA altered so she would look Bajoran. The Doc figured it out, finally. She tried to say she had a blood transfusion when she was a kid, and that's why she didn't have any Bajoran blood factors. 

I wish I could tell Laren about her. She always said Seska was a snake. Bingo, Ro! Right on the money. I guess we know who the spy for the Cardassians on Malagra was. 

She's gone, of course. The traitor defected to the Kazon, of all people. Good riddance.

I feel sorry for the Maquis who trusted her, like Torres and Hogan. I have to admit, though, that I do feel for Chakotay. I mean, he not only trusted her, she used to be his lover. He slept with her! Makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. 

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 48792.9

I am totally bummed. Pete Durst is dead. B'Elanna Torres is a basket case. And we left that helpful little Talaxian whose name I never did learn stuck in that Vidiian hellhole. I feel like shit for not saving him, too.

I'm glad Chakotay came to save B'Elanna and me -- well, the human half of B'Elanna, anyway. The Klingon half got turned to toast by that mad Vidiian doctor. It was so strange to see B'Elanna like that: the human half, who was terrified half the time and felt like she was a coward, and the Klingon warrior woman who was so strong but ready to smash anyone's nose to smithereens at a puzzled look. Harry told me that "Maquis," as he calls her (nobody else dares to, certainly not moi), alternately is scornful and mortified of her Klingon side. She seems to think everyone would hate her if it comes out. To me, what little I got to see was wildly exciting. But when B'Elanna was turned into a pure human, and was so upset, I got a chance to find out why she felt that way. 

Where they lived on Kessik IV, she and her mother were the only Klingons. She said no one ever was really nasty to them, but when her human father abandoned them, B'Elanna was convinced it was because she looked Klingon.

Now, this doesn't make sense to me. The man married a Klingon. Why would he be disgusted by a daughter who looked like his wife? Okay, so they split up. These things happen between two people who are human, even the most beautiful humans, sometimes. There's more to a marriage than looks. I don't know how my mom would have ever hooked up with my dad if it only had to do with appearance. Mom is gorgeous. Dad is barely okay in the looks department.

I have to admit, B'Elanna was so freaked out by being turned into something she isn't --even if it was what she always thought she wanted -- that she probably wasn't thinking straight. Later on, she got control of her emotions and helped Chakotay get us out of there. Her Klingon half literally died in B'Elanna's arms. I confess, I wanted to comfort her right there, and then in Sickbay afterwards, when the Doc checked both of us over. Chakotay took over, though, and pretty much shooed me out the door. B'Elanna has to stay in Sickbay while the Doc reintegrates her Klingon DNA into her human body. She apparently needs it for digestion or something. 

I went back later to visit her. We talked a little. She asked me not to tell anyone what we'd talked about in the Vidiian prison. I promised her I'd keep her secrets -- like tying a scarf over her forehead to hide her Klingon ridges -- as long as she didn't tell anyone about my father scalping me with military haircuts when I was a kid. She actually laughed a little when I said that. I think she's going to be okay.

I'm sitting here now dictating my log, and I'm trying to decide which B'Elanna face I prefer. To tell the truth, I think she's one of the most beautiful women I've ever met no matter which face she's wearing. I think I prefer her real, combination human/Klingon face the best, but the B'Elanna who was all human was a babe, too. 

I've been visiting this holodeck program for a while now. It's got a World War II setting, based on a text novel I found in our databanks. One of the characters is a pregnant Frenchwoman who gets knocked up by a Nazi officer. She wasn't really a collaborator. Brigitte was working for the Resistance, so when this Nazi she was spying on came on to her, she was stuck; she had to become his lover or blow her cover. I think one of the terms they used in that war was "comfort women," actually. That was probably closer to the truth. Comfort for the Nazi, and humiliation for poor Brigitte. Still, Brigitte was very brave. I never thought the face they supplied for Brigitte was quite right, but I couldn't ever find the right one to substitute for her from the ones available in the holodeck libraries. 

I think I can get hold of some views of the human B'Elanna face from the ship's visual log and use them for the character, because that's the perfect face for Brigitte. Of course, once she's back to herself, B'Elanna will probably break my nose if she sees herself in that program. I'll have to remember to make sure she never visits it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Personal Log Addendum

Well, I did it. I've got the Brigitte face reprogrammed. She's beautiful. I think the real B'Elanna is beautiful, too, of course, but once the Doc has all her Klingon DNA infused back into her body, I'll get to see B'Elanna's real face any day. The only way I'll ever see the totally human face again is on the Holodeck.

For all the bad memories I've got from this Vidiian nightmare (leaving the Talaxian behind -- numero uno), the good ones came from those hours we spent comforting each other, when we shared stories about when we were kids. I learned more about B'Elanna Torres on those couple of nights than I have about just about anyone on this ship, with the exception of Harry. It's not too much to say I'll treasure them forever, because I wasn't Tom Paris the Pig to her then. I was her friend and her protector. 

Whenever I visit this Sainte Claire program and see Brigitte's face, I'll remember those nights with B'Elanna in the mines. How close we felt, for at least a little while. It's not likely we'll ever feel that close again. She prefers to hang around with her "Starfleet," Harry Kim. Too bad Harry is still so hung up on his fiancée Libby that he hasn't figured out B'Elanna could be his for the taking. He'd be lucky to have her. Unfortunately, B'Elanna still sees me as a pig.

But I'm still bummed we didn't save the Talaxian.

End Personal Log

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 48977.1

 

It's not every day you see a 1936 Ford pickup floating in space. To see one in the Delta Quadrant is ridiculous. But there it was. We beamed it into our cargo bay and the captain let me crawl around inside it. I was in heaven! We discovered the old AM radio in the truck was picking up an ancient SOS -- that's a very old form of distress call, for the benefit of anyone who I might give access to these logs in the future -- coming from a nearby planet. We headed there, but we couldn't use the transporters or even a shuttle because of interference from the atmosphere. So, the captain let me land Voyager on the planet! First time for everything!

On the same day, I get to investigate a genuine ancient ground car and then get to land Voyager on the ground. And then, who do we find frozen in a cryostasis unit? Amelia Earhart! I got to meet THE Amelia Earhart, the famous "aviatrix," as they called her back then, in person!

I remember reading all the theories about how Amelia and her navigator Fred Noonan disappeared over the Pacific Ocean in 1937, when she was trying to become the first woman to fly around the world. Most people thought she'd crashed into the ocean and was killed, or maybe she was taken captive by the Japanese. Nope. A UFO snatched them and brought them out here to the planet of the Briori. Unbelievable. Fred was there in stasis, too, and so was a Japanese soldier named Nogami and a few others. Needless to say, they were shocked when they found out where and when they were! 

How often do you get to speak to someone about what life was like 400 years ago -- and they actually know, because they were living then? I was excited, but the captain almost wet her . . . wait. These may be my personal logs, but even here I shouldn't be THAT crude. Let's just say she was more excited than any of us to meet Amelia. She had been one of Janeway's heroes and a big inspiration for her growing up.

Man, the only thing better would be to travel back through time to the 20th century myself! Too bad that will never happen.

Oh, yeah, these Briori were willing for us to settle on their planet. The captain was worried we wouldn't have enough crew willing to go on for us to fly Voyager. I did think about staying, because who knows what I'll face if and when I ever get back to Earth? But I couldn't let the captain down, and I wasn't the only one. None of us opted to stay there. We all stayed with the ship. I think Amelia was a little tempted to come with us, too, but she finally decided to stay on the planet. It's too bad. I bet as one pilot to another, we could have had some great discussions if she'd come with us.

End Personal Log

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	2. Year Two

 

**YEAR TWO:**

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49072.5_

 

Lieutenant Thomas Eugene Paris and Neelix the Talaxian proudly announce the birth of a newborn -- or is it newly-hatched? -- baby repto-humanoid.  We're the godfathers, I think. If repto-humanoids have godfathers. Actually, the little guy was kind of cute, in a dinosaurian sort of way. And it was sweet when he was picked up by his mom and she hugged him. At least, I think it was his mom -- I got a female sort of vibe from her -- anyway, his mom came for him, and he was breathing better, so I guess he'll be okay.

 

I described the mission Janeway sent us on to that haunted house of a planet in my official logs in full, so I won't go into any more detail again here. Suffice it to say, the captain sent Neelix and I down to the planet to send us a message. Neelix saw me being what he considered a little too friendly with Kes and dumped a plate of hair pasta all over me in the mess hall. I understood. Captain Janeway wanted to tell us she wouldn't tolerate any more altercations like that over Kes. It's a big, bad Delta Quadrant out there. We all have to work together if we're going to survive.

 

So, of course, instead of a nice, routine mission, where the two of us get to clear the air in relative comfort on the shuttle, we have trouble and have to make an emergency landing. While we were scratching away down there in that toxic soup of an atmosphere, we did kind of "clear the air" -- about Kes, at least.

 

I had to admit that I am attracted to her. I mean, she's one of the loveliest women on the ship, not to mention just about the nicest. But I assured Neelix I wouldn't stab him in the back by trying to cut in on her. Kes has made it clear that Neelix is the one she loves. I've got a crush on her, yeah. But I don't have a chance in Hell of her ever wanting to be involved with me. I know it. I made sure Neelix does, too.

 

Everyone on this ship thinks I have no morals at all, and that's my own fault. From the first day that I got on _Voyager_ , I went out of my way to pretend nothing bothered me. I've set up all of these betting pools, and some of them are pretty tasteless. I've acted like a letch so that when a woman shot me down, I could pretend it didn't hurt. Of course it hurts. I told Harry once that we had to line ourselves up with girlfriends before all the good ones were taken. When I think about that now, I realize how callous that sounded.  

 

Even Sandrines . . . I set that up for me to have a place to go where I could have some companionship, because I can always hang out with Ricky. Holodeck characters don't care if you've been in prison or killed your best friends. At least I know one "woman" on this ship who'll give me the time of day.

 

I hope Neelix realizes just how lucky he is to have Kes.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49089.2_

Saw Dad today. Sort of. He berated me for my shortcomings, just like old times. I broke out into cold sweats. It seemed so real. When I finally did come to, I couldn't believe it wasn't, for quite a while.

 

Some alien dude came on board and was sending us to Hallucination Nebula Number Nine. The entire crew came under its spell, me included. Almost the entire crew. Fortunately, the Doc and Kes weren't affected (well, maybe Kes was a little, but she could throw it off). And what could the alien do to the Doc? His body is made of photons and his brain is the ship's computer. They broke us free.

 

I've been trying to come to terms with "seeing" my father again. It's not easy to admit this, even in my personal log, but now I see that a lot of what he used to nag me about was stuff he needed to nag me about. I did need to concentrate on my studies more -- not just the subjects I was fascinated by, but also the things I needed to learn. I did learn it eventually, but on my own timetable, which was usually, oh, about three months after the class had ended. I'm certainly using everything I've ever learned out here now, not to mention learning a whole lot nobody back in the Alpha Quadrant ever dreamed about. Like aliens who project hallucinations on others for their own ends, whatever they are.

 

I only hope I get home in time to tell Dad this. Maybe it will help us understand each other a bit better. I hate the idea he thinks I'm dead, and that I was still the screw-up he knew in the Alpha Quadrant.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49331.9_

This dilithium we mined from the asteroid field has B'Elanna and Harry super excited. Harry called me down to engineering when we were all off duty yesterday to show me what their experiments revealed. It's the most stable form of the substance ever found. B'Elanna thinks we can make a vessel capable of doing Warp 10 using it. WARP TEN!! The Holy Grail! If the physicists' theories are right, it means the pilot of a shuttle doing Warp 10 would be traveling at infinite velocity. The pilot would be everywhere in the universe simultaneously! Time and distance would mean nothing!

 

If it works, we could get _Voyager_ home. Or even if it can't get _Voyager_ physically home, at least we would be in a position to send a message home, to let Starfleet and our families know we're alive. Maybe we could maintain actual contact with the Federation, so we could share technologies that could get us home faster. How great would that be? Everyone's been dreaming of home for such a long time now. I'd love to be the guy to help them get home, or at least, letting home know we're okay. On our way home.

 

The captain gave us the okay tonight. We're going to try to fit the Shuttlecraft _Cochrane_ with warp nacelles capable of Warp 10. The catch is, we'll have to work around our regular duty schedules.

 

As if that was going to be a problem! Harry and B'Elanna are my only close friends on _Voyager_. Having an excuse to work with them on this project -- a dream come true for me -- getting to spend almost all my time with them? I feel like the luckiest guy in the universe right now.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49352.1_

We're still no closer to solving the "ripped away warp nacelle" problem. Harry, B'Elanna and I have been driving ourselves crazy, but nothing seems to work. Typical. We've got the means with the dilithium. We just don't have a strong enough shuttle.

 

We might have to totally redesign the shuttle to make this work. That would put us back years, probably, because we barely have enough resources to keep up with repairing _Voyager_ and the shuttles we already have (especially at the rate we seem to keep crashing them -- Chakotay, Chakotay, Chakotay). Well, I shouldn't only point my finger his way. He's not the only one.

 

I was so looking forward to doing something right for a change. This was my chance. I knew it. But now -- well, let's say I may have to make my mark some other way. If only we could figure out what the problem really is!

 

Despite all our frustrations, the bright spot for me is spending time with B'Elanna. And Harry, of course -- but B'Elanna. I am amazed by her engineering genius. She will fight to find the answer, if there is one, to her last breath. Courage. Brains. Beauty. Not to mention brawn! She is so wonderful, and she doesn't seem to have a clue just how wonderful she is. Amazing. And Harry, the idiot, never did make his play for her. If he's not going to go after her, I'm sure not holding myself back from asking her out. Assuming, of course, she'll actually accept my invitations. A social butterfly Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres certainly is not.

 

As long as the captain lets us work on this project, I'm happy to do it. A lot of other crew members, especially the ex-Maquis group, still aren't real enamored of my being on board this ship. I have earned their respect, to a degree, but good buddies are hard to find. Megan, Jenny and I are friendly, but it's at a superficial level at best. We do things together on the holodeck or have a quick bite in the mess hall together, but there's nothing deeper there, and it's not likely there ever will be. At least I know "Starfleet" and "Maquis," as Harry and B'Elanna call each other, are my friends. That means so much to me. I know I should let them know it somehow. Someday, I'm sure I will.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate   49371.3_

We've finally got the problem with the warp nacelles licked. Neelix prompted the answer. Our all-around, handyman, cook, and morale guy actually gave us a great insight into what the problem was. We couldn't figure out why the warp nacelles were ripped off the shuttle whenever the speed approached Warp 10 in our holodeck simulations.

 

It's all a matter of perspective. It wasn't the warp nacelles getting ripped off. It was the _SHUTTLE_ being ripped away from the nacelles. Depolarization of the hull created a velocity differential between the fuselage and the nacelles. Once Neelix's observation tipped us off to that, we were able to set up a way to compensate. Well, B'Elanna and Harry did the actual computer programming, but I did help refine the concept with them.

 

At any rate, the captain gave us a go for tomorrow's first test flight. Into History!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Personal Log Addendum:_

 

That was a very near thing. I almost lost my chance.

 

Right after I finished making my log entry, the captain came to see me. The Doctor's preflight exam showed some sort of brain abnormality in me. I've been flying for years, at the highest levels, and it never showed up before, but she was going to take me off the flight and give it to Harry instead.

 

I begged. I pleaded. I pulled every emotional string I could to get her to change her mind. Thankfully, I was able to convince her I was still the best option for the flight she had. Harry needs to be at Ops. I'm the best pilot. She knew that. Any little glitch in my brain -- I know that's not going to be critical. We need me at the helm of this flight.

 

I know some of it is my own desire to do something that, someday, my dad might be proud of. When he learns about it, whenever that might be. It might even be tomorrow, if I can send a message home to Starfleet!

 

I know I also need to do it for me. And especially, I need to do it for Harry and B'Elanna and Captain Janeway and all the rest of the crew. I want to help us all get home. Maybe this will be the way I can look myself in the mirror again without that feeling of revulsion I still get when I remember Caldik Prime -- which happens at least once a day.

 

I know I'll never really totally get over what happened that day. A training run gone bad. I hope tomorrow's flight will go better. At any rate, this time, if anyone buys it, it will only be me. I won't let _Voyager_ or anyone on board to be harmed in any way.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49401.3_

I'm not sure how to make this log entry. I mean, I died. I turned into some sort of living man lizard. I kidnapped the captain and stole the _Cochrane_. We sped off at Warp 10, and both of us turned completely into lizards. And then we had lizard children.

 

I never realized living in the Delta Quadrant was like falling down the rabbit hole into Wonderland -- or maybe Nightmareland says it better.

 

I didn't know how to face Captain Janeway when we woke up in Sickbay, and we found out what really happened. Thankfully, I don't remember the kidnapping or anything else that we did . . . I didn't remember doing . . . whatever it is we did . . . . Hell, I don't remember how we made those lizard babies. Me and the captain.

 

Man, I need to just ditch this log and start over. _(big sigh)_

 

No, I need to face this. The captain tried to make me feel better by saying that maybe she initiated the mating. Some females are the ones who take the lead, she said. Whatever. I was so embarrassed. It doesn't much matter if I approached her or she approached me, does it? We were intimate _SOMEHOW_. In a lizardly way, of course. Whatever that entails. With the tails.

 

I'm babbling here. _(another, even bigger sigh)_

 

Anyway, she called me into her Ready Room after we were released from Sickbay. She said she had a little proposition for me. I was almost afraid to hear what it might be, after the lizard thing! But when I got there, Tuvok was there, too. I didn't think he'd go along with anything too far out there, so I relaxed.

 

I'm putting a lock on this personal log now, so I can discuss this here. I have to discuss it somewhere, because I have a feeling I'll go crazy if I don't have some sort of outlet.

 

There's a spy on board this ship. Slipping info to the Kazon, and to Seska. Tuvok and Captain Janeway have known about it for a while, even before the captain and I slipped away for our little Warp 10 lizardly honeymoon. While Chakotay and Tuvok were searching for us, looking for the leak became a lesser priority. Now that we're back, and back to being human beings again, finding out who the spy is has gone back to the top of the list. And they think I'll be able to help them find out who it is.

 

It won't be easy. Well, maybe it will be easy for me to actually _DO._ Acting like a total jerk shouldn't be that difficult, because I was doing it all by myself for a good part of the past few years. Laren opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself, and I tried, for a while, to be the man I could be instead of the jerk-off I acted like I was. Then I was captured, and I had to hide myself behind the "I don't give a damn about anything" persona to try to keep my sanity in prison. It wasn't any picnic there. I'm not going to record anything about what happened to me there in these logs. It's way too painful.

 

Babbling again.

 

The tough part is going to be that everyone who has believed in me, like Harry, Neelix and Kes, and especially B'Elanna, can't know about what I'm doing. The captain and Tuvok don't really believe any of them are involved in any way, but "loose lips sink ships," and all that. They might say the wrong thing to tip off whoever the real culprit is.

 

And one other thing. Chakotay isn't going to know anything about what I'm really doing, either. In fact, I'm supposed to really target him -- save my worst to push all of his buttons so he really lets me have it. They don't believe he's the spy either, they assured me, but he needs to come down on me really hard to convince the real spy I've gone back to being the screw-up I was when I first came on board.

 

What else could I say but yes? Tuvok's mind meld save me from the Banean death sentence. I just stole Captain Janeway and reproduced lizards with her. I owe her, and him, for so much. Even this will never totally repay them for what they've done for me.

 

I'm not looking forward to the next few months. I have a feeling I'm going to have to spend a lot of my down time in the holodeck by myself for the immediate future, because none of my friends are going to want to spend much time with me after this.

 

Ricky, my fully functional holographic girlfriend -- get ready for some serious fuck time.

 

Maybe I should spend some time in Sainte Claire, too. That World War II scenario. I've played Captain Miller a couple of times, but I think I'm going to be Lieutenant Bobby Davis from now on. Katrine looks way too much like Captain Janeway! I'd rather spend time with Brigitte anyway. Maybe even do the post war scenes, when Bobby comes back to his Brigitte.

 

Making love with "Brigitte" might be a better antidote for what I'm going to do for the captain and Tuvok then wild sex with Ricky. She's a bit boring. No depth, really. Brigitte is more real, somehow, maybe because she's based on a real person.

 

I'm going to need that.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate  49449.8_

 

I knew this spy hunting assignment wasn't going to be any picnic, but today I felt like I was in Hell.

 

Baiting Chakotay is actually fun. I get to be the complete jerk he always thought I was. When Captain Janeway and Tuvok are "chewing me out" about my "miserable behavior," I'm getting to laugh it up with them about how I'm doing it. Sometimes I'm embarrassed by how much I'm enjoying it all.

 

Harry, though. B'Elanna. They think I've gone back to being Tom Paris the Jerk. Pig Paris. And when something happens like today, all I want to do is tell them the truth. No, I'm not backsliding. I'm not really that guy any more. But all they've got to go on is what they see, and what they hear, and that's me being an insubordinate, lazy, insufferable goof-off.

 

The scary thing is, I really used to be that way. It's sobering to see my bad-boy persona through their eyes. It happened today when I was working in engineering with B'Elanna.

 

We were working on ways to stop that smart bomb she programmed to attack the Cardassians for the Maquis. It showed up out here (dragged here by the Caretaker, too -- he's managed to fuck us over one more time, even from beyond the grave).

 

B'Elanna tried to talk some sense into me. She realized I had been getting my act together and couldn't understand why I was losing it again. Not being able to tell her what was going on really hurt, and I struggled to find some way to respond to her lecturing. The best thing I could come up with was that she had surprised me with how well she had adjusted to being on _Voyager_. Dumb. She's a survivor. She's too smart _NOT_ to make the adjustments she needs to make to fit in here. The only thing that surprises me about her is how they let her go from the Academy, as brilliant as she is. And she doesn't seem to realize just how beautiful she is, either. That's a surprise, too.

 

After we got her off Dreadnought. I wanted to ask her if she wanted to come with me for dinner, but I couldn't. If I'd spent that sort of time with her, it "wouldn't be in character," according to Tuvok. I went to the holodeck instead. Spent my evening with Brigitte.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49480.2_

 

Our good Doctor has met another good doctor. Surprising, actually, since the female good doctor is a Vidiian. Turns out not all of them are insane witch doctors like that guy who carved B'Elanna into two people. Dr. Pel's actually rather nice.

When we found her ship, she was dying. The Doc put her in stasis and came up with a very creative solution to the problem of taking her medical history. (It's not like we're going to be able to check with her usual personal physician back home on Vidiia -- unless we all want to become organ donors.) He put her dying body in stasis and set up a way to pull her consciousness into a holographic projection, just like he is. That way they talk things out about her treatment.

I have to admit, after talking to Dr. Pel -- or her holographic representation, I guess I should say -- when they visited Sandrines for a little while today, I do feel sorrier for the Vidiians than I did right after B'Elanna and I were held prisoner in that mining/organ processing operation. They do have it tough. Still, it's not right to steal other people's organs. I don't care how desperate they are. There's got to be a better way. Grow some tissues in cultures, or something. The Doc is after B'Elanna to give up some of her brain cells for Dr. Pel, since that mad doctor thought Klingon DNA was a possible cure. So far, B'Elanna has refused to consider it, but she might be breaking down. I saw her talking to the Doc and Dr. Pel in Sandrines for a while, too. Still, I can't say I blame B'Elanna for not wanting to go along with the Doc's plan. I witnessed how horrible it was for her there.

Every time I think of that place, I think of the Talaxian we left behind. I'm still bummed by that.

Well, to turn to pleasanter things, I think I'll talk about sex. While the Doctor's idea about placing her basic awareness into a holographic projection was certainly creative, I've gotta wonder if he's got some sort of ulterior motive. Like maybe a procreative motive. The Doc begged me for dating advice, and I had the perfect program to suggest to him that will be sure to impress her.

It's my '57 Chevy on Mars program. Parking. Maybe going all the way, who knows? I _have_ been feeding him the holodeck programming information he's requested every now and then, and some of it had to do with "exploring single cell fertilization," including how to program the equipment needed to accomplish the deed. I haven't fiddled with his program, but I wouldn't put it past him to do it himself. At this point, I'm in no position to ask B'Elanna about it! She's still pretty pissed at me for the way I've been acting.

At least the Doc is immune to the Clap. I mean, Phage. _(audible snicker)_

Now, on to the Let's See How Far We Can Go Until Chakotay Takes My Head Off Project. I spent some more time in the slammer. The captain sent me to the brig for my insolence. I'm on the captain's orders to be as abrasive as I know how to be. And as we all know, that's something Tommy-Boy excels at. I can't let Chakotay know this, of course. We still have no idea who the informer creep is. I might be spending a lot more time grounded in the brig during the next few weeks if we don't find out anything more soon. This thing has already gone on way longer than I hoped it would.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

_Personal Log Addendum_ **:**

I heard that Torres has agreed to give the tissue sample for Denara's brain surgery. That's a much bigger deal than the Doc can possibly realize. It's a testament to how nice Dr. Pel really is -- holographic projection or Vidiian-almost-a-cadaver though she is.

It's too bad she can't stick around a little longer. I just hope I'll still be around when she leaves. Today Tuvok told me if nothing happens in the next couple of days, we might have to go to Plan B. And I'm not crazy about Plan B.

Oh, I almost forgot. Dr. Pel has given the Doc a name! He's her "Schmullis." If "Doc Schmullis" sticks as his name, it would be a great way for her to pay us back for her treatment. A name for our EMH at last!

Of course, I have no intention of calling him anything but "Doc" even if he does decide that's his name. I always did love Bugs Bunny.

_End Personal Log_

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate  49482.4_

Well, tomorrow is the day. We've tried for weeks to smoke out the spy. The captain and Tuvok hoped whoever it was might approach me to ask me if I'd work with them, but no one ever came forward.

 

So, Plan B is in operation. I'm "resigning" my field commission and leaving _Voyager_ to find my way around the Delta Quadrant all by my lonesome. Following the oh, so, charming Seska's lead. Establishing my stupidity for all time in the eyes of any sentient creature.

 

I did my bravado act for Captain Janeway. "Don't worry, Captain. I'll get us the information we need." Tuvok just raised his eyebrow in that Vulky thing he does. He wasn't fooled. I have a hunch the captain wasn't fooled either.

 

The truth is, I may not come back from the Kazon ship alive. I have to face that fact. So, I updated all my "last messages" to the people I've been close to on the ship. Obviously, it didn't take much time to do that. There aren't that many here. I did one to go to both Megan and Jenny Delaney. One to Baytart, Hamilton, and the rest of the relief pilots -- one for the Doc -- and a general one for the whole crew, a plea for their understanding and forgiveness. I apologized for my bad behavior. I told them the captain and Tuvok could fill them in on the reasons, but really, it was all an act, with the full knowledge and approval of Captain Janeway. I left the details to be supplied by the captain and Tuvok. I trust they'll fill them in, if the worst happens.

 

I went into detail, though, for my messages to Harry and B'Elanna, and to Neelix and Kes. I thanked them all for keeping the faith with me for as long as they did, and for trying to bring me back to the straight and narrow. If I really was screwing up again, they would have brought me back! But since I was under orders from the captain, I couldn't. I apologized to them, too, because the last of me they'd ever see would have been the worthless Tom Paris. It pains me to say that, but it's true.

 

I recorded messages to Captain Janeway and Tuvok, absolving them of any blame if I was lost, and thanked them for the opportunity to do something for the ship. Then I managed to do a special one for Chakotay. It was hard. I know I was just about giving him ulcers the way I was behaving. What else could I say but that I was sorry he was seeing the worst of me again? I was going to add something about Laren, and my "loss" of the _Eye of the Prophets_ , but I decided to leave well enough alone and deleted that part. He'd never understood about us. It would sound too much like me groveling for his approval. We were way past that now.

 

Finally, I wrote a letter to my parents and sisters, to be delivered when _Voyager_ was able to communicate with the Alpha Quadrant again. I apologized to them, too. I had asked the captain to fill them in about me, too, in the message I recorded for her. I'm sure she'll tell them I did this to help her and the others get home safely. Dad was her mentor. I'm sure he'd believe her more than me anyway.

 

Afterwards, I felt a little better. Not much. The captain had given me two hours of holodeck privileges for my "last night" on _Voyager_. Since it may very well be my last night anywhere, I took advantage of every minute of that time. I was going to go to Ricky, but then I changed my mind. I went to Sainte Claire, to Brigitte, and spent my time in her arms, making love to her. I wish it could have been all night. I know I'm not going to sleep much tonight anyway.

 

Just before I got up to go, I froze the program. Made a few changes. Brigitte now has hair the color of honey, and green eyes. Her skin is very fair, with rosy cheeks. I was thinking about changing her nose and lips, too, but I couldn't go through with it. I love her face too much just the way it is. Then I unfroze the program, and I gave Brigitte one last kiss. She didn't notice her coloring had changed. She _is_ a hologram, after all. I knew it was the last kiss, because I won't go back to Sainte Claire ever again, even if I manage to get out of this alive. It's time to close this chapter of my life. No more Holodeck lovers.

 

Before I left, I put my Brigitte into the archive, under my own security code. The original Brigitte will appear if anyone chooses that program from now on. If B'Elanna ever digs into it, she'll be able to find her, of course. And if she sees the resemblance of this version of Brigitte to her human half, I won't be around. She won't be able to break my nose with one sucker punch, like she did to Carey. Small favors. I wouldn't mind having her punch me out if it means I'll get back in one piece!

 

Hopefully, this won't be the real . . .

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49490.2_

Well, it wasn't the final personal log entry after all. Neelix found the spy without my help. I probably never had to leave the ship at all. The joke was on me, although this morning, I did an interview on his _A Briefing with Neelix_ program and we yucked it up at Chakotay's expense.

 

Afterwards, I didn't feel that good about making fun of Chakotay. He was set up. I made a fool of him the whole time, not just on Neelix's program. I tried to apologize to Chakotay (he's never going to get that "final message" from me now, since I got back), but he was pretty brusque with me. I bet he'll make his displeasure known to the captain and Tuvok, too. I can't say I blame him. It _was_ fun to act the fool, but I'm afraid it will set back any respect he might have started to develop for me by quite a bit.

 

Kes, Neelix, and Harry welcomed me back. Torres didn't. She'd chewed me out just before I left the ship, in the mess hall. I hope we can become friends again, like we were when we were working on the Warp 10 project. But after kidnapping the captain, turning into a lizard, and then acting like a total pig again, that might not be possible. B'Elanna doesn't suffer fools gladly, and I think she thought I was taking her for a fool, too.

 

_(audible sigh)_ I did it for the captain, and for Tuvok, and I have no idea if it was even necessary. I hope it was worth it. Commendations aren't everything, I have to admit. It's getting pretty lonely on this ship.

 

This evening, I almost went back to Sainte Claire again, even though I had promised myself I wouldn't. I have to stay away. I think I'm falling in love with Brigitte. She's probably the only one on this ship who'd still have me, now that Megan and I have agreed we're better off just being friends and the real B'Elanna probably hates me.

 

Fun and games on the holodeck -- fine. _Chez Sandrine --_ fine. Holodeck lovers -- not fine. Bad for me. The only thing keeping me going is that, contrary to my expectations, there's not a lot of pairing off going on board _Voyager_. Yet.

 

Although the Doc does still have Denara Pel on board. It figures. On this crazy ship, the only ones having an active sex life are the holograms -- and those that love them.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49632.7_

Everything is in an uproar. Kes is in mourning. The captain is in a quandary.

 

There was a transporter accident. Neelix and Tuvok are both gone, and one new being is in their place. Places? Whatever. Anyway, we have Tuvix, who looks eerily like both of them. He seems to be a lot like both of them, too. The best of both of them, it seems. But what is the captain going to do? Can we get them back, or do we keep him?

 

B'Elanna and I went back down to the planet they'd beamed up from. I joked with her that if the same thing happened to us, we would be the hermaphroditic wonder of the Delta Quadrant. Tall, blonde hair, ridged forehead, snarky attitude, and a wicked left cross. She rolled her eyes at me in that way she does, but it was nice to see. We're getting back that easy friendship we used to have, before the Michael Jonas investigation. I never bring it up. He was one of her engineers, and an ex-Maquis. She's still a bit sensitive about it.

 

Needless to say, we played it safe and took a shuttle.

 

I think we'd have enjoyed our time on the planet more if we weren't on such a serious mission: fact-finding to see if we could find out anything about those orchids Tuvok and Neelix were beaming aboard with them. Sure enough, when that orchid was beamed up with other flowers, more hybrids were formed.

 

Unfortunately, it's easy to blend species together with this "symbiogenesis," as the Doc called it. Unblending them is the tricky part.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49654.1_

Tuvix is still here, but it might not be for long. The Doc and Harry think they've found a way to bring Tuvok and Neelix back. The catch is, Tuvix will end up dying. And he's not crazy about the prospect. Can't blame him.

 

He's a pleasant guy, I must admit. Who knew a Talaxian blended with a Vulcan could be so personable? But I miss Neelix, who has become my friend, and Tuvok, to whom I owe my sanity and my life.

 

I don't envy the captain's choice.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 49655.7_

 

The captain made her choice. We have Neelix and Tuvok back. We had to say good-bye to Tuvix. It was terrible. He begged for his life at the end. I understand the captain had to punch the instructions into the transporter to undo the damage. The Doc said because of his oath that he can "do no harm," he couldn't. Well, he should have made sure they didn't find a way to split Tuvix back into Tuvok and Neelix then, shouldn't he?

 

Truthfully, if we could have found a way to keep all three of them, I'd have been all for it. I think the captain would have, too. Not sure what Tuvok or Neelix would have said about it, since they weren't in a position to testify about what they wanted. Tuvix and his two daddies, I guess we'd have to call them. The odd couple and their transporter-conceived son.

 

I know it wasn't technically feasible, but it would have been the best way out of this dilemma. I ended up liking Tuvix almost as much as I like Tuvok and Neelix, but after all, it's not like he had a right to live over the other two.

 

I don't know what Starfleet is going to say when we get back, because I know there's some disagreement amongst the crew over the captain's decision. The way I see it is this: even though Tuvix didn't mean to do it, in a sense he "killed" Neelix and Tuvok when he was created. So, the captain's "execution" of him can be justified by that "crime." Unintentional Homicide, or something. But since Tuvix wasn't responsible for what happened, I guess that's not really fair. It just sucks all the way around.

 

Sometimes, there's no good solution to a problem, just the one you learn to live with. I should have learned that by now, I guess. Still, I wish we could have kept him alive somehow too.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate  49668.9_

After all the drama about Tuvix, it was a relief to have a day like today. Neelix suggested we go to this planet that was right in the neighborhood. He's heard it has a lot of wonderful natural resources, particularly of the food variety. Sometimes Neelix's idea of "wonderful food" doesn't jive with our own Alpha Quadrant taste buds' idea of a good meal. Scratch that and make it "most of the time." Anyway, we beamed down and scavenged a lot of plants that are high in nutritional value and actually taste good. Now, the challenge: to prevent Neelix from jazzing them up with too many of his obnoxious Delta Quadrant spices, so they will continue to taste good.

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~_

_Personal Log Addendum_

 

The Doc just contacted me and asked if any insects bit me while I was down on the planet. Apparently a couple of the crew were and now they aren't doing so well.

 

The bugs on Earth really love me, but on this planet, not so much. I feel fine; I don't remember getting bitten; and I can't even see a reddened or itchy spot anywhere that's suspicious. He asked me to come to Sickbay to help Kes and him check over the rest of the crew for bites. He said he'd call in Sam Wildman to help, too, but he doesn't want little Naomi around Sickbay right now -- just in case. After the tragedy of that doubled _Voyager_ several weeks ago, I can understand why he wants to be careful with the little tyke. That _Voyager_ 's Harry Kim carried their Naomi here, to replace our Harry and our Naomi, who died when the Vidiians attacked our ships. Our Sam has been super protective after all of that happened (and Harry has trouble deciding if he feels like "himself" or not. Hey, maybe he and Naomi are the only ones who are!)

 

At any rate, it's better to be careful, in case there's some other way whatever-it-is can spread to the rest of us, even without an insect carrier biting us. It's possible the insect bite wasn't the reason they got sick, too. I hope it _was_ the insect, though. Then none of the rest of us have any call to worry. 

 

I wonder who the crewmen are who got bitten? The Doc didn't say, but he really seems spooked by this. He's usually pretty unflappable.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Personal Log Addendum_

 

I see why the Doc got so freaked out. The "couple of crewmen" bitten by those insects are Captain Janeway and Chakotay. And not only are they not doing well, their condition deteriorated rapidly while I was helping check out the rest of the crew. The Doc plans to put them both in stasis if they get any worse. He believes it may take some time to find a way to counteract whatever those bug bites did to the two of them.

 

It's Acting Captain Tuvok in charge now. The captain asked him to take over while the senior command team is feeling so poorly. If things don't go well, it may be a permanent change. I hope Tuvok's recovered from his bout of being mixed up with Neelix, because we're really going to need him to be in tip-top condition as long as the captain and first officer are incapacitated.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate  49690.1_

No one wants to talk about it. I don't much want to, either. We've gotten so used to the Doc being the Miracle Man, we couldn't imagine he wouldn't be able to find a cure for Captain Janeway and Chakotay. Don't need to imagine it any more. He's admitted defeat.

 

We had to leave them on that insect-ridden planet today. The one thing the Doctor was able to figure out is that, as long as they stay on the planet, something in the atmosphere will keep them from dying. That actually makes a weird sort of sense, because if those bugs killed off all of their hosts, they'd end up dying off, too.

 

We've left them a portable shelter. All sorts of supplies and a portable replicator with power source. A shuttle. The Doc also sent down lab equipment the captain can use to continue looking for a cure. If they do find one, they can use the shuttle to get back to _Voyager_ \-- as long as they find it quickly. That shuttle can barely do Warp 4. And I devoutly hope Chakotay won't get a yen to explore and drive it around unless they're ready to leave -- his history with shuttles isn't that great. It would be just our luck he'd crash the shuttle the same day the captain found the cure.

The captain gave a very nice speech over the comm before we were out of communication range. I wish she'd given Chakotay a chance to say farewell, too, but she didn't. However, I found out from B'Elanna and Hogan that Chakotay had already sent a transmission to his old Maquis mates a little earlier to tell them they were both feeling good, now that they were on the planet. They were working on getting settled, but he'd taken a break to call them.

 

It would have been nice if he'd included the entire crew in that message, but since the captain didn't give him a chance when we were all listening, I'm glad, for B'Elanna's sake --  and for the others, too, of course -- they heard his voice one more time.

 

The captain ordered Tuvok _NOT_ to go to the Vidiians for help. Of course, of all people, I understand the danger, but they're the only ones in this part of the Delta Quadrant that have the sophisticated sort of medical know-how that might have a cure. Neelix said he's sure the Vidiians know about this planet. They haven't settled it, though, so maybe they don't have an answer to this insect bug virus, either.

 

And how do you feel about this, Tommy-Boy? Lousy . . . oops. Bad choice of words there. Insect connotations. Let me just say that this is one of the worst things that could happen to me personally, and to the rest of the crew, too, especially the Maquis like B'Elanna. Captain Janeway is a force of nature. Without her speaking up for us, we're landing in jail for sure once we get back to the Alpha Quadrant. _IF_ we ever get back. The odds have just plummeted. Tuvok is a great tactical officer. As a captain, I have a feeling he's a great tactical officer.

 

Maybe he'll grow in the job. We'll need him to do just that.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate  49624.6_

Harry is trying to emulate me, and not in a good way. He's tried twice now to convince Tuvok to go to the Vidiians for a cure for the captain and Chakotay. Even _I_ know mouthing off to your captain is a Bad Thing, especially if he's already squashed you like a bug once for the very same offense. If I didn't know it before, I certainly learned that lesson during that whole Jonas investigation thing, when I got thrown in the brig for doing just that (record expunged, of course, since I was doing it as a ruse, but still, it was real to Harry at the time). Harry's a smart guy, but he obviously didn't learn anything from what happened to me. Or else maybe this Harry from the other dimension didn't get the memo. He's one step away from the brig, not to mention being removed from duty permanently, if what Harry told me Tuvok said to him is accurate.

 

Hogan and Swinn had gone to Harry and B'Elanna about whether she'd be willing to contribute some of her Klingon DNA to get an antidote for Captain Janeway and Chakotay. The only one we'd approach would be Dr. Pel, of course. She owes us, so I'm sure she'd be honest with us and admit it if there isn't such an animal. Her friends now, that could be another matter. I wonder if she's still got that one-person shuttlecraft of hers? It would be the safest way for her to deliver the stuff to _Voyager_.

 

The catch is, Captain Tuvok forbids us to contact her. He pointed out (quite accurately) that in that ship "doubling" incident, the _Voyager_ that blew up took out over 300 Vidiians who were attacking us, along with their ship. He thinks they might be a bit testy about that.

 

I really want the captain back, and Chakotay, too, but I see why Tuvok wants to continue to obey the captain's last order to him. It's almost the _Kobiyashi Maru_ scenario. There could be a way out in the Vidiian anti-venom scenario, but it's more likely we'd all die.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate  49630.6_

 

Kes went to Tuvok. She convinced him to contact Dr. Pel. I don't know why we didn't think of that sooner. Tuvok has a professional relationship with Harry. Kes, however, can look at her mentor Tuvok with those big baby blues and ask away without being threatened with the brig. That was a great strategy. Trust Kes to come up with it. She still looks like an innocent, but she's one smart cookie.

 

Dr. Pel returned Tuvok's message almost as soon as he sent it. She's on a ship headed this way right now with a supply of the anti-viral serum.

 

I would have dictated this log two days ago, when this all happened, but I couldn't. We've been doing battle scenarios ever since, and I was too exhausted the past few nights to do anything but fall into bed when I was free. Tuvok doesn't trust the Vidiians. Needless to say, B'Elanna and I don't, either, except for Dr. Pel. We're sure she's sincere. Those other guys: not so much. Scratch that. Make that, "not at all."

 

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate  49894.8_

 

Today was a very happy day. We finally picked up the captain and Chakotay from that planet. They called it "New Earth." The captain was _NOT_ thrilled we'd gone to the Vidiians after she gave Tuvok a direct order not to, but even she had to admit that once she'd turned command over to him, he could do whatever he damn well pleased.

 

And we _were_ almost damned when those double-crossing Frankenstein monsters tried to capture us. They have no concept at all of "humanitarian aid." Well, Dr. Pel certainly does. She made sure she got the anti-viral serum to us, even though we couldn't get B'Elanna's DNA back to Dr. Pel. The Doc said she was frantic we'd think she betrayed us. She swore she didn't. And I'm sure she didn't, either. You just know when someone is legit, and Dr. Pel, she's the real deal.

 

But I shouldn't go over all of this again. I already put that in my logs weeks ago, right after it happened. The main thing is, we got Captain Janeway and Chakotay back. And they were jumping for joy and hugging everybody on the bridge to thank us for finally coming back to get them . . . and no, that's a total fabrication. I'm ashamed of myself for putting that in here, personal log or no. The fact is, they seemed as if they were pleased we came back to get them. And that's about as far as it went. If anything, they were overly-professional. From where I sat at the conn (and yes, I admit, I did steal glances back at them several times to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing), coming back was actually awkward for them.

 

Now, I know everyone thinks I have sex on my mind every minute of the day. Not true. I sometimes go hours without thinking about it. Well, maybe when I'm sleeping.

 

The truth is, I've seen that sort of behavior before, and it's after a couple who has been intimate has just broken up but can't avoid being in the same place with one another. I told my suspicions to Harry and B'Elanna at dinner, and they both accused me of having a dirty mind.

 

Well, I do have a dirty mind sometimes. A lot of the time, maybe. But this time, I felt really depressed at what I was seeing. Because if I'm right, the only reason they "broke up" was because of the protocols against captains and first officers messing around with each other. The captain, in particular, had a very subdued air about her. Crisply efficient as always, of course, but I detected a little sadness. Her usual warmth just wasn't there. And Chakotay, too. Harry, B'Elanna and I sometimes kid around about how stiff he can be, but today he had a different sort of reserve about him. It was more like he was barely holding himself together by burying himself in the details of the work she was assigning him. They never once made eye contact that I could see.

 

Maybe B'Elanna and Harry are right, and it's just my fertile imagination getting the better of me. Or maybe they agree with me but simply won't admit it. It is certainly possible nothing happened between Captain Janeway and Chakotay down on that planet. But I don't believe that for a minute.

 

Consider this: they spent three months alone, in a single dwelling, expecting to live the rest of their lives alone on that planet. I think they became lovers while they were there. Maybe not right away, but they were down there all by their lonesome for a long time. With the way the captain is so touchy-feely with everyone on _Voyager_ , and especially Chakotay, how could they resist?

 

I heard the captain tell Tuvok they thought they were marooned forever once they lost their medical lab equipment in a storm. So we've got two handsome, vital, warm people, good friends who are attracted to each other. They get left like Adam and Eve on this planet on the other side of the galaxy from their homes, and they expect me to think they kept their hands and bodies totally to themselves for all that time? Hell, I would have wanted to sleep with her, if only for comfort once we knew we couldn't expect ever to get home again.

 

Well, I actually _did_ do something with her on that lonely planet during the Time of the Lizards, didn't I? Maybe for comfort. Certainly for procreation. Lizard love, love, love.

 

Babbling again. _(sigh)_ Seems to happen every time I think about my lizard days.

 

But to get back on track, I hope they _DID_ screw each other blind for the entire time they were on New Earth. Since the captain is such a stickler for protocol, I doubt she's going to get much action from anyone else from now on, unless she does decide to let Chakotay into her bed. And I just can't see that happening as long as there's any chance to get us home.

 

And that's really sad.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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	3. Year Three

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**Year Three**

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate    50035.1_

I have to apologize to you, Personal Log. It's been a while. You see, I was off the ship, and then once I got back on the ship, I was really, really busy, for quite some time. So, while my official logs are all up to date, you have been so sorely neglected . . .

 

I don't know if there's a protocol for apologizing to your own Personal Log, but I'm so exhausted, maybe I should just sign off and get some sleep.

 

Nah. I've got to talk to someone, and you're right here.

 

_Voyager_ was taken by the Kazon Mistra, thanks to Seska the sneaky snake and her man Maje Cullah. I know I should probably not speak ill of the dead, and Seska has gone to whatever Cardassian Hell or Heaven she deserves -- the former, I personally believe. But Hogan and Gaspar died on Hanon IV, so I'm not inclined to be particularly charitable towards her right now. I'm sorry for her baby, who is now motherless, but Hogan was a really good guy, one of the Maquis who was friendly towards me even when B'Elanna wasn't around. I'm going to miss him. And Gaspar was a young kid. He'd barely had a chance to start living. He was only a few months older than Harry.

 

It was bad enough they'd taken over the ship. I can understand she needed to get rid of the crew, actually. But to pick a planet that was so geologically unstable? With such skimpy resources? And dumping off an almost newborn baby? So much for understanding mother love. What did Sam Wildman ever do to Seska, other than to coexist?

 

If Seska had to dump them off, the least she could have done was pick a place where they would have had a reasonable chance to survive. The crew was only there for a couple of days, and two of the crew had already been killed. Little Naomi was very sick for a while, I understand, and they almost lost her. And back here on _Voyager_ , Suder is dead, too.

 

No, I'm not sorry Seska's dead. We never thought of her as our enemy until she made herself one. I get it. She was a Cardassian spy, so she was our enemy in the Alpha Quadrant. But when she was thrown out here with us, she could have stopped the warfare. Why bother? Barring a miracle, it's going to take us decades to get home. The war between Cardassia and the Federation should be long over by the time we even get close to getting back home, assuming we ever do. The Feds and the Cardies might be best buddies by the time we get back. Why continue a fight when it isn't really necessary?

 

And it turns out her kid wasn't Chakotay's after all. I don't know if the Maje knows the little boy really is his son. I have a hunch Seska was so used to lying about everything, she never told him the truth.

 

Oh, well. Time to get a grip on my anger. It's not going to help get everything back to normal. Thanks to the Doc and Suder, we managed to get the ship back. We did have to do some damage to _Voyager_ before we got it back, though. Paxim and the Talaxian convoy came through when we needed them. I was so grateful to them for their help. It was a little tough talking with Paxim sometimes, though. He reminded me of that Talaxian in the Vidiian mines. (I don't think I'll ever be able to get over leaving him behind. I'm reminded of him constantly.)

 

Anyway, once we were able to take back control of _Voyager,_ we fixed it up enough to get it moving again and flew as fast as we could to Hanon IV. It's a good thing we weren't far away, because I don't know how long the captain and the crew could have held out there. Conditions were not good on that planet. It's a shame we had to leave the indigenous people there as they were, but, the Prime Directive you know. There's a limit to what we could do for them. Some admiral (hopefully not my father) will probably want to throw the book at Janeway for "granting pre-warp populations knowledge of starships."

 

If that happens and I'm around, I'll suggest to Mr. Admiral he should be gunning for Seska. She did the landing in front of these people first! Actually, if they remember it at all, the people will probably warp the story radically and transform it into myth. Maybe _Voyager_ will be the "sky boat that came down from the gods of the stars."

 

I really should finish up now. I'm getting punchy. We're all pulling 12 to 16 hour shifts working on restoring all the systems we can from the parts available. And we're having Suder's funeral tomorrow. The serial killer who became a hero by killing Kazon warriors. Talk about your irony of ironies. Tuvok said he was finally beginning to get control of himself, too. We're doing a memorial service for Hogan and Gaspar at the same time. There's nothing of them to bury. A snake ate them, and if there were any remains, we couldn't find them before we had to leave the surface of the planet.

 

Yup. That's the Delta Quadrant for you. People you think are your friends turn out to be the enemy and stab you in the back and die. Your crew mates take an unanticipated and undesired shore leave and die. A man who would have been condemned for murder in the Alpha Quadrant saves the skins of his crew mates and then dies.

 

There's a lot of death out here. We really need to do something about living in the time we've got, because who knows how long that's going to be? It's time to find some happiness. The future will just have to take care of itself. _Carpe diem_ , I say.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate  50074.9_

Did you hear the one about the elusive wormhole  and the Ferengi prophets? Wait, Personal Log. Make sure you spell that "Ferengi Profits." They had a great gig there on that backwater planet. Beautiful "Oo-mox girls." Plenty of moolah from conjuring up what amounted to trinkets from the "holy icon" -- really, a garden variety portable replicator -- which they traded for really valuable stuff.  Did I mention the very lovely "Oo-mox" girls?

 

Chakotay made a _sotto voce_ comment about glass beads buying Manhattan, which took me a few minutes to process. And yeah, that's about right. Trade $24 old dollars of beaded necklaces for a gazillion dollars' worth of real estate. Trust Chakotay to pick up on that. He's not descended from that particular tribe, but I'm sure his people learn about the swindles pulled on their people by the time they're able to walk.

 

The captain was really eager to "out-Ferengi the Ferengi," but they used our own moral code against us. So we had to do a bit of swindling ourselves, with the help of that ballad "The Song of the Sages" that was being sold by another swindler -- the beggar who couldn't remember which eye to put his fake patch on. They were pretending they were the "Great Sages" that were predicted to "come upon a burning flame." The Ferengi ship must have spiraled out of control when it came out of that wormhole several years ago, so it probably did fit the song that way. And then, as Ferengi are so adept at doing, they managed to find a weak spot in the local populace in order to fleece the people of their hard-earned goods. They got away with it for quite a while, too.

 

Neelix made a great imitation Grand Nagus -- excuse me, Grand Proxy -- must keep my Ferengi luminaries straight -- but he almost got burned at the stake along with the real Ferengi. Once the people finally had had enough, they tried to roast all three of them. Janeway saved them all at the last minute, and then the two real Ferengi snuck away and went up into the sky "with the ringing of the bell," beating us to the wormhole that drew us to that system in the first place. They destabilized it, of course, so we couldn't use it, too. They messed it up so much, God only knows where they ended up. Those two deserve to be dumped out at the edge of the event horizon of a black hole and sucked right in. With their luck, they probably landed in the Alpha Quadrant, right next to Deep Space Nine, or something.

 

I know a lot of the crew, and especially the captain, were really bummed because we couldn't use the wormhole to get home ourselves. Me, I didn't have a problem. I can't admit this to too many people (especially to Harry, who was really depressed by what happened), but I'm actually happier we're still in the Delta Quadrant. Yes, it's dangerous. We're on our own out here. But I also don't have to worry about any out-mate reviewers deciding I've been out of prison long enough and telling me I have to travel back down to Auckland to finish out my sentence. I was talking to B'Elanna, and she admitted she's not really in any hurry to get back "home" either. In fact, she says _Voyager_ is more like home to her than just about any place she's ever lived. I can relate.

I also must admit that Chakotay and I worked together well in Takar City when we were investigating the Ferengi scam. It's the first time, since that _other_ investigation ended, I felt he didn't have that hovering in the back of his mind the entire time we were working the away team. We did our job, and that was it.  

 

And I refuse to recycle that outfit, "lobe" necklace and all. It was so comfortable compared to our uniforms! I'm keeping them for lounging around my quarters, just in case a lovely crew member gets lonely and wants to visit me.

 

Right. Fat chance.

 

The lobe earring is cute, though. Maybe I'll give it to Naomi to play with when she gets a little bigger. For now, it will be a great touch for my costume if we have a Halloween party. Maybe Neelix would want to come as the Grand Nagus. Proxy. Whatever.  I think he'll be able to laugh at what happened, since he didn't get too singed by that fire. And he doesn't mind about the wormhole doing a disappearing act, I gather. The Alpha Quadrant isn't his  home, either, is it?

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50175.3_

Prison, again. And this time, I didn't do anything at all to deserve getting thrown into the slammer. I didn't flirt with the wrong girl or join an illicit organization. Harry and I were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Story of my life. _NOT_ the story of Harry's, before now. I warned him I wasn't a good luck charm, way back when we first came on board _Voyager_. Did he listen? No, of course not. And thank God he didn't, because I'd be dead now if he didn't protect me in that Akritirian prison.

That Clamp thing they use to drive the prisoners crazy is a very insidious but effective device. Cuts down on the need for prison guards. They don't even pick up the garbage, I understand. That crazy "My Manifesto" Zio guy told us the rest of the prisoners strip the bodies of anything of value to them and use the bodies for "whatever else they need" (and I don't want to know any of the details _at all_ about exactly what "using the bodies" entails). Then they simply zip whatever is left of the dearly departed down the garbage chute. Assuming there _IS_ anything left.

 

"Lord of the Flies" for adults.

 

I was in a daze most of the time after I got stabbed. Harry told me I did something to this tool he'd made, and he almost killed me. He was apologizing like crazy, and I told him it was okay. It was the Clamp doing that to him, of course. He _DIDN'T_ kill me. The one thing I remember clearly was Harry standing over me with this pipe in his hand, ready to slam it into the head of anyone who touched me, yelling, "This man is my friend."

 

If I did break that tool he needed, maybe I should have died down there. Or I should say "up there," since the prison was an isolated space station. Again, very cost effective. Dump in the prisoners and add a little food every now and then down the Chute, and that's all that prison administration had to do. The prisoners take care of the rest of the punishment themselves.

 

It's enough to make me want to swear off ever taking another shore leave forever.

 

I don't really remember much about the rescue. Harry told me afterwards that Neelix got the Away Team in position by pretending to be confused about where the local fueling station is. Quite inventive. Harry said it was really something to see the captain come flying down the Chute, lugging one of those big phaser rifles, making all the crazy prisoners keep their distance while we were scooped up and rescued. I wish I could remember it, but I was in Sickbay for a good five days afterwards recovering. I was really out of it. This time, I must admit, I have no guilty feelings at all that the rest of the prisoners weren't rescued. This was nothing like that Vidiian mine place, where the captives were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, like we were. Most of those guys, like the guy who stabbed me, were absolutely, fucking crazy.

 

When I was getting better, Harry and B'Elanna visited me in Sickbay and filled me in on everything I didn't know. Apparently the crew has decided the nickname "Big Betsy," as we've dubbed those phaser rifles, no longer fits. Now everyone's calling them "Action Kate Specials." Out of the captain's hearing, of course. Not that I think she'd really care, mind you. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd secretly love it.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50204.2_

We had a very nice gathering this evening with our guests, the Enarans. We're bringing them back to their home world. They're trading their energy conservation technology to us to pay for their transport. Neelix went all out with the decorations, the menu. I wasn't aware they were telepathic until one of them helped the captain play a musical instrument she'd never even seen before. Pretty cool.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50212.5_

Those Enarans have a very dark history. B'Elanna found out the hard way. One of the old women, Jora Mirell they called her, was apparently really Korenna Mirell, who telepathically communicated to B'Elanna her memories of atrocities the Enarans committed against some of their own people decades ago. Killed them off, apparently. And the old woman died under mysterious circumstances, too, right after she'd finished sending the last of her messages to B'Elanna. The Doctor confirms she didn't die of old age, I know that.

 

So, our trade deal and the planned shore leaves are killed off, too. After what happened on Akritiri after my last shore leave, I'm not as broken up about it as some of the crew are. I'm glad one of the Enaran engineers, a pretty girl named Jessen, agreed to take on the memories Korenna sent to B'Elanna, so the truth would not be lost with the death of Korenna Mirell.

 

What B'Elanna told Harry and me about what happened to those "Regressives" was really horrifying. She was a little reticent about some of the details. The rumor mill has been buzzing that before the memories got really intense -- when B'Elanna initially thought they were only dreams -- they were very erotic. B'Elanna refused to confirm that when Harry and I hinted around the subject. However, she didn't deny it either. Very suspicious. But very good for B'Elanna. She deserves to have a little fun! Klingon women are supposed to have spectacular sex lives. If it doesn't have a warp core throbbing away inside of it, B'Elanna isn't interested.

 

I'd love to change that, but she's made it clear to me. We're good friends, but that's all. She's not interested in dating me. Sad, but true.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50257.1_

Well, at least I'm out of Sickbay. Yup. I was back there again. These aliens the locals know of as "The Swarm" attacked B'Elanna and me when we were traveling back to _Voyager,_ after investigating some odd, intermittent sensor readings. I'd been kidding her about how she's been living like a Tabern monk. Then she told me that Freddy Bristow has a crush on her. Freddy fucking Bristow. Argh.

 

I admit it. I was flirting with her. I make no apologies! She's a beautiful woman. It's about time we both had a good time socially with someone. I wanted to let her know I'm ready, willing, and available to be that someone.

 

And the next thing I know, I'm waking up in Sickbay after an operation. What's really scary is I found out afterwards that the Doctor actually forgot how to do the operation! It's all those opera logarithms and additions to his program -- like the ones that make him a "fully functional hologram" -- cluttering up his matrix. Fortunately, B'Elanna and her team were able to fix him up so he could fix _me_ up.

 

Now I really owe B'Elanna a nice time. I wonder if she'd be interested in my '57 Chevy on Mars program? Or maybe something else fun? I'll have to see what she'd like to do, if she's ever willing to accept a date from me.

 

When Sto-Vo-Kor freezes over, I guess.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50314.3_

 

Break out the champagne! We made it home to Earth!

 

Too bad it was in the wrong year, like, a three hundred years in the past sort of wrong year. And they've got these Time Police, we found out, who wouldn't let us stay.

 

I loved hanging around with "Mr. Freakasaurus Tuvok" on the beach, and at the Griffith's Observatory, of all places. My mom took me there once years ago, when I was a little kid, but it didn't look at all like it did on my visit with Mom. They've rebuilt it a couple of times because of earthquake damage. I liked it better back in 1996, especially the way Rain Robinson decorated her workplace. All of those wonderful old vintage horror and sci-fi movie posters were just so cool. I think the coolest thing about them was that even back then, they were vintage posters.

 

Rain was a girl I would like to have gotten to know a little better. She was smart. She figured out we were out of sync with the times (and I guess I've got to step up my 20th century research, because I'm not as up on it as I thought I was). It's too bad. Because of the possibility of polluting the time line, I really couldn't take advantage of my time with her. I know Captain James T. Kirk brought Dr. Gillian Taylor back to the 23rd century when he rescued those whales. When he was being court martialed for that long laundry list of things he'd done, the historians did their thing. They discovered that according to all the historical records, this Dr. Taylor had disappeared without a trace in 1996. So, no harm, no foul with her, apparently. I'm afraid to look up Rain. I'd hate to find out she was my great-great-great-grandmother or something.

 

I would have _loved_ to have gone on that date. I had to tell her we weren't going to be in town. Yeah, right. _REALLY_ out of town. Like, on the other side of the galaxy out of town, courtesy of good old Captain Braxton. One of the Captain Braxtons. Man, I understand now why the captain says time paradoxes give her a headache.

 

I do treasure the memory of that trip, though. Tuvok and I made a great team. And the Doctor now is "Footloose and Fancy Free." I just love the new nickname Rain gave him. Mr. Leisure Suit is just as good as some of the names he's come up with on his own.

 

It's funny. I was going back over my log before I started dictating this entry, and I found something I slipped into the entry after we met Amelia Earhart and Fred Noonan on the Briorii world. How the only thing better than meeting them would be if I could go back to the 20th century myself. I thought that was absolutely impossible. And here we did it, and got "home" besides.  

 

But we had to come back, for some reason that only that Captain Braxton and the Time Patrol, or whatever they are, knows about. Whatever it is, I hope it's a good one. It would have been nice to be one of the smartest guys in the room for once. I probably would have been, if I'd been able to stay there.

 

But, never piloting a starship again would not have been nice. And life would have been _really_ tough for B'Elanna, Tuvok and Vorik, Neelix and Kes, the Bolians, and all of our Bajorans. They sure wouldn't have fit in. Hell, even humans who "weren't our kind" had it tough back then.

 

I'm glad I'm back here on _Voyager_ , and back in the Delta Quadrant.

 

I just hope Rain Robinson had a happy life after we left her. Found a nice guy who appreciated old monster movies and liked to watch sci-fi on television. She deserved it.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50467.4_

Sick. Sick as a dog. Even B'Elanna with her redundant stomachs was sick. Afterwards, the Doctor called those things "macroviruses." I think he could have been a little more precise. I think Macro-disgusting-viruses would be a better name. I don't remember what the word for disgusting is in Latin, but I think Federation Standard works just fine.

 

Those things must have been auditioning for an appearance in a monster movie holoprogram. If it wouldn't be such a turn off  for the crew, I'd use them. Maybe I'll put an image of them into the archive buffer, just in case I need something really disgusting for a future program.

 

Anyway, I was glad my cooking  wasn't the reason we all got so sick. Thanks to Captain "Action Kate" Janeway and her trusty special phaser rifle, we were saved before those Tick-Tack-Tock aliens, or whatever their names are, wiped out _Voyager_.

 

At least, if I had to hang out in the Mess Hall, feeling so sick, I was glad I was there with B'Elanna. This morning, after we were cured and felt well enough to eat again, we met for a meal. No plain tomato soup or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for me today. We both had plain, hot chicken broth with crackers. Not a very romantic meal. It wasn't exactly a date, but I'll take it. We both managed to keep everything down in our respective stomachs, the redundant ones like B'Elanna's, and my unredundant one. Under the circumstances, it was a feast.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50460.9_

We were supposed to meet Harry at the resort tonight for the luau. I was wearing my genuine Big Daddy-O Surf Special Hawaiian shirt. Or a replicated genuine Big Daddy-O Special, etc. B'Elanna wore this really cute little sundress. I don't usually notice that sort of thing, but in that dress, her shoulders and upper back were bare. I could see the faint pattern of her backbone under the skin. It's not fully Klingon, but it's not quite human, either. I told her she looked smashing in that dress. Really, she looked good enough to eat in that dress.

 

Maybe I should rephrase that.

 

Nah. She did look that good. I don't care if there are sexual connotations to that comment. It was all I could do from putting my arms around her and giving her a great big kiss, right in the middle of the resort. In front of everybody.

 

Too bad that friendly get-together between Harry, B'Elanna and I never came off. Vorik snatched B'Elanna away from me. He'd picked out a table for two, with a view she likes. I have to hand it to Vorik. He had it all planned out well in advance. He'd interrogated B'Elanna about her preferences while they were in engineering. She was flattered enough by his thoughtfulness to go with him instead of sticking with me.

 

I didn't have Harry around for long, either. He's got a thing for this non-sentient holodeck character Marayna, who's the entertainment director of the resort. I told him it happens. He'll get over it eventually. (I almost told him about the Sainte Claire program, and Brigitte, but I caught myself in time. I could have mentioned Ricky instead, I suppose. Harry's heard me say enough about her to know why I put her in the Sandrines program.)

 

At any rate, Harry got pretty irritated and stalked back to his quarters after seeing Tuvok hanging with Marayna at the resort luau. Maybe Tuvok is thinking of using her to help him out with his next seven-year-itch. It's bound to come sooner or later. With his wife so far away in the Alpha Quadrant, I gather he'll be needing a substitute. I'm really curious about how that goes, but I doubt Tuvok will ever let me in on the Big Vulcan Secret. It has to do with having sex every seven years, I know that. The Vulcans I've known clam up if you ask them about it. If the _Exeter_ didn't have to speed to Vulcan to get Ensign Sidrar home that time, I wouldn't even know that much.

 

Once every seven years? I'm glad I'm not a Vulcan, that's for sure. Although, if things keep going the way they are for me on this ship, I'm going to know exactly what that feels like. It's been way too long for me. Not seven years yet, but if the drought continues . . .

 

_(audible sigh)_

I had an early night. I drank a sugary concoction with an umbrella in it and ate a little Polynesian-a-la-Neelix food, but then I was bored to tears and left to hang out in my quarters by myself.

 

No, I wasn't so much bored as pissed. Vorik was with B'Elanna. I wasn't. What else is there to say? There isn't anyone else on this ship like her. And she preferred a Vulcan to me. Obviously, I'm nothing like James T. Kirk, even though I tried to make people think I was when I first came on board. I may have to get into holodeck babes again myself.

 

Personal Log, you can take that any way you want to. Sexual connotations be damned.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50470.9_

Not much to report today about _me_. I asked Torres out to dinner, and she said sorry, but she can't spare the time. She's working on a plan to refit the warp core coils whenever we can find a supply of gallicite somewhere. That's not likely any time soon. It's a very rare mineral.

 

It's so nice to be shot down because the woman you've asked out chooses work over you. I'm feeling so special right now.

 

Speaking of special, Harry's love wasn't a hologram after all. She's a lonely alien who wanted Tuvok to stay with her in that nebula. We knew it should have dispersed decades ago. Marayna (don't know if that's her real name, but that's the one she went by on the holodeck) has been keeping the reactions damped down so the nebula doesn't burn out. I don't know why her people can't place more than one person at a time on that station. Even if it isn't too big, they could put a happily married couple there, or something. Tuvok said he told her he was a married man with children, and he needs to get back to them. He also suggested that Marayna ask to be relieved from her duties for a while. Take a vacation. Make contact with her own people.

 

I understand completely about how lonely Marayna must be. I'm on a ship with a hundred and fifty other people, and I'm pretty lonely right now. I hope she has more luck getting someone interested in her than I seem to be having with B'Elanna.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50487.6_

 

Ah, yes. Another day in the Delta Quadrant. Another trip to the slammer. This time, it was the Station Manager of the Nekrit Expanse Space who tossed me into jail. With Chakotay, no less. Getting thrown into jail might have been a first for him. I didn't ask him. I was too upset by the whole situation to want to talk much.

 

At this rate, I'll have gotten myself thrown into prison as many times as Chakotay's crashed shuttles.

 

That's not fair, I guess. Chakotay's still up on me, with the number of shuttles he's crashed.

 

At least my stays in jail are getting shorter. This time it was only for a couple of days. It was a little scary when Bharat told us the punishment for trafficking in illicit substances is fifty years in cryostasis. And we weren't guilty! Of course, the Akritirians weren't going to let us go even when the captain got proof Harry and I weren't guilty. Bahrat released us after Neelix did the right thing. Neelix helped them catch the real culprits.

 

Neelix will be scrubbing the plasma manifolds with a toothbrush for the next two weeks for his part in the illegal activities his so-called friend Wixiban pulled him into. The captain was really mad at him, but I don't think she'd really have left him on that station. The thing that saved him for sure was that he was trying to get a map to help us get through or around the Nekrit Expanse more safely. He got involved because he was trying to do a good deed for all of us on _Voyager_.

 

That "Wixi," now. He's one Talaxian I'm _NOT_ sorry to have left behind.

 

I've done a lot of things since Caldik Prime I'm not proud of. Most of my escapades involved imbibing way too much liquor, or allowing myself to be sexually exploited to get the hell away from whatever hellhole I'd found my way into. Any way to make a buck -- almost any way. I never got involved with smuggling or dealing in illicit substances, I'm happy to say. Not so Neelix, we've come to find out.

 

At dinner, before he picked up his toothbrush  to work through Gamma Shift, Neelix and I talked a bit more about his checkered history. After he lost his family on Rynax, he did things -- some with this Wixiban guy -- he admits he shouldn't have done. He hemmed and hawed a bit, and then he apologized to me for putting me down in the past, when he was pretending to Kes he'd never done anything wrong. I told him not to worry about it. The past is the past. You can't change it. You have to just live with it and try, every day, not to fall into the same bad habits again. I told him I have to remind myself of that every day, whenever I feel tempted to do the easy, dumb thing instead of the harder but smart thing. He thanked me very sincerely for sharing that with him. I hope it made him feel a bit better.

 

I've come to appreciate Neelix for his good qualities. He's actually been through a rougher time than I have. I don't know what my dad will say to me when we finally get home, but I know my mom and sisters will be overjoyed to see me again. Neelix has nobody. His whole family died in the Metreon Cascade, and he doesn't have a relationship with Kes anymore to fill the empty spaces in his heart.

 

I have to think his break-up with Kes had a lot to do with his getting snared into this thing with Wixiban. Neelix was so devoted to her. I thought the feeling was mutual, and he did, too. I guess we were both wrong. It could be that the jealousy and possessiveness he'd shown over the years finally got to be too much for Kes to accept.

 

Obviously, Neelix wasn't thinking things through. He was actually afraid the captain would put him off the ship because he couldn't be our "guide" anymore. He lost faith in the captain's capacity for compassion. He projected his anxieties and fears onto her. He was really feeling bad about himself.

 

See, Dr. Andersen, I did learn something from you in all those "rehabilitation" sessions when you were shrinking my head (figuratively speaking only, of course) back in Auckland. Too bad it's not likely you'll ever find out I did.

 

Well, once he's finished with the scrubbing, I hope we can find something for Neelix to do that will make him feel more positive about himself. The way Kes has been acting around the men on this ship since their break-up isn't going to help.

 

It's funny. Kes came on to me today. She literally invaded my personal space, got all chummy. Her voice was pitched even lower than it usually is. She shot me a couple of come-hither looks that would have prompted an embarrassing reaction in my nether regions a couple of years ago. Back then, before Neelix and I had our bonding moment with the little baby dinosaur (or whatever he was), I'd have picked up on the hints Kes was floating my way (not to mention the pheromones), and I would have acted on them. I would have asked her out for a date for sure. I didn't, and I know why.

 

Blue-eyed blondes with breathy voices are really lovely. Kes is certainly a beautiful woman, even if she is only three years old. But I can't get a certain dark-eyed, dark-haired, half-Klingon engineer out of my mind. My fantasies now are all about hot and painful Klingon love. As long as I've got a dermal regenerator handy and the Doc to patch me up from the more exotic after-effects of a wild Klingon mating (and wouldn't he just have the best time ragging me while doing the healing after that!), I'm ready, willing, and able to stay away from anybody else's overtures.

 

It's not likely I'll ever get the chance, of course. B'Elanna has made it really clear she wants to be friends, and only friends, with me. _(audible sigh)_

 

I'll get over my latest crush eventually, but it's not going to be easy. B'Elanna is so . . . how can I put this? . . . invigorating. That's it. She makes every other woman on this ship -- even Captain Janeway -- seem pallid in comparison. Well, except when the captain glares at you. She's not pallid then! But Kes. No. As long as B'Elanna is around and not mated with anyone else, I won't completely give up hope. And with that possessiveness Klingons have towards their mates, as long as I have any hope at all about having something more with B'Elanna, I can't fool around with anyone else. I have to be careful. Be smart, just like I told Neelix today.

 

Who would guess that _Voyager's_ "walking hormone," as Neelix called me a couple of years ago, would ever come to this?

 

Okay, Personal Log. You want to call me a hopeless romantic, go right ahead. I guess I am one.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50537.5_

Just a quick entry right now. It's amazing. We discovered gallicite on long range scans. B'Elanna is going to get her wish to refit the warp coils! She remembered that I have experience rock climbing, so she asked me to come along as one of her team. Yes, ma'am! It might not be a date, exactly, since we won't be going down alone, but it's not going to be a boring, routine away mission, either. I'm looking forward to having some fun for a change.

 

I'm glad the captain remembered Neelix worked in mining colonies and suggested he come along, too. This might be exactly what he needs to feel better about himself, post-Kes. B'Elanna has tabbed Vorik to come along on the mission, too, I understand.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50538.1_

Not a boring, routine away mission.

 

I can't even begin to express how accurate that statement was. I don't know if I've blown my chances with B'Elanna for all time by dragging my feet when she needed my help, or if I've assured myself that we can at least stay friends. I have no idea what is going through her head right now.

 

Well, maybe I do. If looks could kill, Ensign Vorik would be stretched out in a photon torpedo casing right now. B'Elanna threw him off the team before we ever set foot on the Sakari colony world, but he showed up anyway. I would love to be hanging around engineering the next time he comes on duty while B'Elanna's there. We still might need that photon torpedo casing.

 

And if ever there was a log entry I need to get right, this is it.

 

When B'Elanna first appeared in the transporter room, when we were getting ready to go down to the planet, she was talking a mile a minute about the mission. Neelix and I exchanged a look. Both of us were stunned. She was very . . . aggressive. She challenged me about how we planned to proceed, and I remember saying . . . oh, man, after what happened in those tunnels I can't believe I said this . . . I told her we would be fine as long as we took it slow and easy.

 

Talk about double meanings! Honestly, how could I know how that would sound now, in the context of what was about to happen?

 

We went down, and when Neelix and I wanted to check out the surface ruins a bit, she got miffed about the delay. She accused me of "dragging my feet" because I'd overstated my experience with rock climbing. After a challenge like that, we went directly to the cave entrance. We carefully set up lines to rappel down to the levels where we thought gallicite ore was located. Neelix's anchor must have been defective. It malfunctioned. His line came free. When he went into freefall, he took B'Elanna down with him.

 

I was frantic when I saw them both fall. Forget "slow and easy." I released my line and flew down to the floor of the cave. I'm lucky I didn't break my own ankle. Neelix did break a leg. B'Elanna managed to roll as she was hitting the rock floor, so although she had some scrapes and bruises, her injuries were superficial compared to Neelix's.

 

B'Elanna went berserk. Maybe she's been that bad before on _Voyager_ \-- she did break Carey's nose that time -- but I'd never seen her like that before. She screamed at Neelix. When I tried to calm her down, she bit me on the cheek. It hurt. And it was scary, too, because she was growling when she bit me. I didn't think about what it meant at the time. I was too worried about her when she stormed off to find the gallicite on her own. Neelix needed my help, so I had no choice but to stay with him. I called the bridge and explained what had happened.

 

There was a little delay, which I attributed to the fact that the crew had to assemble a rig to hoist Neelix up to where the transporters would work. The rock formations, with the gallicite in them, prevented us from transporting directly into those tunnels.

 

Chakotay and Tuvok finally came down to hook Neelix up to the rig. While Chakotay helped Neelix, Tuvok explained the real reason for the delay, and why Vorik wasn't part of our team. He's undergoing the Vulcan _pon farr_. Vorik attacked B'Elanna in Engineering, She slugged him back, dislocating his jaw. The Doc had to confine Vorik to his quarters because of his condition. Tuvok said he's trying to use meditation to control his overpowering urge to mate.

 

Oh, yea. I wondered about that every seven year thing? Well, I know more about it now than I ever wanted to know, including the fact that Vulcans -- and now B'Elanna -- could die of it. They have to either take a mate or fight their way out of it, either physically or through meditation. That's why the _Exeter_ flew Sidrar to Vulcan so abruptly. It really is a life or death situation. That old combination of sex and violence. Charming. It's a wonder there are any Vulcans around under those circumstances. Most of them must fight better than Vorik does. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

 

After we moved Neelix to safety, Tuvok, Chakotay and I looked for B'Elanna. We found her in a tunnel with gallicite in it. Not ore, though. The gallicite had been refined into active energy conduits. We found the guys who did the refining, too. We may not have been able to detect any signs of life on the planet beforehand, but there certainly are people down there. The survivors have been hiding out for decades from whoever it was who destroyed their colony. B'Elanna's erratic behavior did not go unnoticed by these Sakari guys, who were already very suspicious of our motives. Once we showed them our phaser and tricorders, they started to accept we didn't have any bad intentions towards them. The last thing we needed right then was to have any tunnels collapsing on us because of seismic tremors.

 

You guessed it. The walls came a-tumbling down. The Sakari guys disappeared, taking Chakotay and Tuvok with them. B'Elanna and I stumbled around in those tunnels for a while. After another tremor, we got trapped in one area. Tuvok and Chakotay found us and were able to pull the loose rocks down to get us out. We managed to get out of the tunnels, but we had to wait because of technical difficulties before communications and transport was restored, for about a half hour or so. I did the best to comfort B'Elanna until we were able to get back on board . . .

 

What am I doing? I'm acting like I'm dictating my official log of the incident, a bare bones account that scrubs out all the really important stuff, so no one will ever figure out the full story. That's ridiculous. These are my own personal logs. If I can't be honest here, I have no reason to bother keeping a personal log.

 

The truth is, something big did happen down there, and something even more important would have happened if that bastard of a _PetaQ_ Vorik hadn't interrupted us.

 

The best way to resolve the _pon farr_ , according to Tuvok, is sex. B'Elanna wanted me. In retrospect, I could see all of those challenges she was making when we started out were prompted by Vorik's attempt to mate with her, which had infected her with the same "blood fever" he was experiencing. Except B'Elanna hadn't wanted him.

 

She wanted me.

 

I had no idea, and still don't know, if she came onto me in the tunnels because she really is attracted to me, or if it was simply the _pon farr_ speaking. She needed to resolve it, and she wanted me to "do" her. And when we were alone down there, after we fought over the gun and I told her our fight was about sex, not the gun, I didn't give in. Oh, I couched it in noble terms. I told her that she'd made it clear she didn't really want me that way. I didn't want to ruin our friendship by doing something we would both regret in the morning. Yadda yadda yadda. Total bullshit.

 

And, crazed by a "chemical imbalance" or not, B'Elanna saw right through my bullshit. She called me on all those longing looks I'd been giving her when we were in the holodeck resort and the mess hall. She threw my requests to go out for dinner -- the ones she's been refusing -- right back in my face. She said she knew I had feelings for her, and she demanded to know why, of all times, I'd play hard to get when she was offering me what I really wanted.

 

Of course she was right. I had to admit it. But I told her I didn't want to take advantage of her when she wasn't herself. And then she started kissing me, and I almost fell apart.

 

Those damned away team suits are skin tight. When she started kissing me I got such a hard on, I was in complete agony. Did I want to take her right there on the rocks? When a wall could fall on us at any time? Hell, yes. But I stopped. I don't know how I managed it, but I did, because it really was for her own good. I did have to protect her from her own impulses right then. She wasn't herself, and yeah, she would have hated me afterwards.

 

She got angry, and when I asked her if I had suddenly become irresistible (or something to that affect -- I don't remember exactly how I put it), she said she wouldn't go that far. That lightened the mood for a little while. We managed to travel a little farther along, but we were still lost. Then another quake came, which trapped us in a pretty small area of the tunnels. By this time, B'Elanna was in bad shape. She said she felt like she was ready to crawl out of her own skin.

 

I let her rest for a while. I tried to pull down some of the rocks blocking our way through, but I had to be careful. The last thing I needed was to pull them down on us. I didn't want to find another way to resolve the _pon farr_ \-- by getting crushed to death by a rock fall. Not something I want on my résumé.

 

I watched over her for a bit while she managed to get some shut-eye. Scraped and bruised, sweaty and flushed from the blood fever though she was, I was struck by how ravishingly beautiful B'Elanna is. In that cave, I realized my feelings for B'Elanna Torres are no crush. I'm in love with her. I understood my real reason for refusing to along with what she wanted from me. I didn't want to ruin that love by fucking her under these absurd circumstances, because fucking her is all it would have been. She _WOULD_ have hated me in the morning, and I don't want her to hate me. She's too precious to me for that. I want to make love with B'Elanna, over and over again. For years, if God and Kahless and the fucking Delta Quadrant ever let me.

 

When she woke up, though, I became really concerned. I'd wanted to avoid hurting B'Elanna by having sex with her when she asked me to, but now I was afraid I may have let things go for far too long. She was so out of it. She still thought we were looking for gallicite. She didn't remember anything I'd told her about the _pon farr_. I started to sweat, thinking she might die. Perhaps I'd been overly cautious because I'd been thinking about a long-term relationship with her. I hadn't had the chance to ask Tuvok how long someone could suffer from this blood fever without a resolution before death became imminent. The way she looked and sounded, I was afraid that might be a lot closer than I'd thought. If B'Elanna had died when I could have avoided it by giving in to her, I'd have still another death on my conscience. This one would be even worse than the others at Caldik Prime, because it was so preventable.

 

That's when I heard sounds on the other side of the blocked tunnel. Chakotay and Tuvok were there. With the three of us working, we were able to open a way for B'Elanna and me to get out without pulling the roof down on our heads. The Sakari had told Chakotay how to get back to the surface, and we came out onto a lush green landscape. I figured we would be able to contact _Voyager_ now; get B'Elanna back to the ship. She'd be fine.

 

But we couldn't make contact, and Tuvok didn't like what he saw of B'Elanna's symptoms any more than I did. He told me I had to help her or she would die. Put that way, I could no longer resist doing what I'd wanted to do the entire time we were stuck in that cave. Hell, what I've wanted to do with her for months--maybe even years. I still didn't care for the circumstances; but I hoped, once her symptoms were resolved, I could tell her how I felt about her, to prevent her from pulling away from me in disgust that I'd allowed myself -- and her -- to be used in that way. I know B'Elanna. From her mortification over the whole situation, she'd turn it around. In her mind, I'd have been the one using her for sex when she wasn't really herself.

 

No time for any fastidiousness now. We went off into the glade.

 

Now, if I do say so myself, I'm extremely well-versed in many ways of pleasuring a human woman. I am perfectly capable of performing admirably in the bedroom with females of other species than my own. I've done it in plenty of other places, too, like on hammocks, in a forest clearing, on the beach, under a boardwalk, and . . . well. I've been around the block lots of times. But this was B'Elanna, and she had already gone all Klingon on me when she bit me. She'd tasted my blood, and taken my scent. Oh, yeah. She said all those things to me when she was trying to get me to take her in the tunnels.

 

I am acquainted with some Klingon mating practices, but I'd never exactly studied the subject. This would be my first time with a Klingon or half-Klingon. I knew a few things, like they enjoy throwing heavy objects at you, preferably catching you in the clavicle to break it and "bless" the mating. They growl a lot, and yeah, they bite. That much I'd already experienced. When I asked B'Elanna for a little direction in what she'd like me to do for her, she got frustrated and threw me on the ground. She said she wanted me to show her I was enjoying myself.

 

Well, my body took care of that for me. I got a massive boner, and with the way she was straddling me, she could feel it. We both laughed, because then, I got it. We were going to roll around that grassy spot and really get it on. It didn't matter if it was Klingon-style or human-style, it would do the trick. I'd save her life, and then, with any luck, I'd get a chance to do the romantic talk I'd hoped for, so it wouldn't be a one night stand. One day stand. It was full daylight . . .

 

We didn't get to the fun part, because that bastard Vorik showed up, insisting B'Elanna was his mate. He was going to punch me out to win her away from me. I know Vulcans are stronger than humans, but adrenaline was rushing through me when he said that. He's smaller than me, too. I know I would have beaten him.

 

B'Elanna, however, was even angrier than I was. Sitting here now, I can't blame her. Vorik had done this to her, and she wanted to make him pay. Hell, he'd disabled the communication and transporter systems on _her_ ship. He'd disabled the shuttles, too, so no one could rescue us until he'd gotten what he'd wanted -- to claim his mate. Who wouldn't be claimed. She wanted me instead.

 

Tuvok told me about the . . . _koala_. . . _koona_. . . okay, I  have to look that one up. I can't remember exactly what that Vulcan phrase is, but it's the fight challenge Tuvok had mentioned in the tunnels. Tuvok told Chakotay it would be best if we let the fight happen.

 

B'Elanna beat Vorik. I can't say I was surprised. B'Elanna is simply amazing in whatever she does. When Vorik couldn't get up for another round, I guess it meant he wouldn't have been able to get it up to take her as his mate, either. I didn't ask Tuvok about that. He was already mortified I'd learned so much about the _pon farr_ by this point. I'd wanted to know about the Big Vulcan Sex Secret. Now it was a matter of _way_ too much information.

 

After she'd laid out Vorik, B'Elanna collapsed into my arms. She'd done a job on the Vulcan, but he'd managed to beat up on her pretty badly, too. I remembered my field medic training. Kept her immobile while Tuvok checked her over. He determined the fight had purged her of the blood fever. Neither of us could detect any serious physical damage to her. Chakotay examined Vorik and came to the same conclusion with him. I cradled B'Elanna in my arms while Chakotay and Tuvok reestablished communications and arranged transportation back to _Voyager_. Vorik stayed on the ground. I had no desire to help him at all. The jerk had done enough. He deserved to suffer.

 

I couldn't decide if I was relieved or depressed that we hadn't been able to resolve the _pon farr_ the way it's supposed to be resolved, with sex. If we had "done the deed," she might be grateful I'd come to her rescue. Then again, maybe she would never have wanted to speak to me again. I can honestly say I don't know which way it would have gone. I do know I would have been happy to have saved her life, no matter what the repercussions were, if it had come to that. If she'd been really ticked off at me and humiliated, I still might have been able to get back into her good graces someday. I'd have been willing to do anything I could to get there.

 

Once Carey repaired one of the transporters, we beamed back to the ship. Chakotay and Tuvok whisked B'Elanna away to Sickbay, to have the Doc check her over and treat her abrasions. I tried to visit her there, but the Doc and Tuvok wouldn't let me in. Later, Kes came by my quarters and scanned me. I told Kes there was nothing wrong with me, but she insisted anyway, "for the medical record." Later on, Tuvok was kind enough to come to my quarters. He told me B'Elanna and Vorik would both be fine (not that I cared what happened to Vorik at that moment, but I was relieved to hear about B'Elanna). Tuvok also explained that the real reason they'd sent Kes to examine me was to make sure B'Elanna hadn't given _ME_ the blood fever when she bit me.  

 

Now, if that had happened, no scans would have been needed. There wouldn't have been a fight with Vorik. The _PetaQ_ would have had to live with the fact that I'd mated with B'Elanna, and he'd have had to resolve his _pon farr_ with somebody else. Because there is no way I could have held off from mating with her in the tunnels if I was feeling the way B'Elanna was. And afterwards . . .

 

I happen to know that Klingons have a tradition of mating for life. I would have held B'Elanna to it.

 

I would have tried to hold her to it. I know B'Elanna's not exactly fond of her Klingon side. Maybe I can help her work on appreciating that aspect of herself, because it is just wonderful to see. Spectacular. Dynamic.

 

What can I say? I'm in love again, and this time, I never want to fall out of love.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50541.6_

Well, finally, we talked today. Not for long. Just a short ride in the turbolift. At first we talked about nothing substantial. The Sakari had given us enough gallicite to refit our warp coils in return for information about removing the remnants of their colony on the surface, and helping them hide themselves even more thoroughly in the caverns. She said the refit would be done by the end of the week. And then we said nothing for several awkward moments, until I halted the turbolift. There was no way I was going to let B'Elanna slide away from talking about what had happened when I had her as my captive audience in the 'lift.

 

She tried to tell me she didn't really mean what she'd said about being attracted to me. Thanks for being willing to help her, and all. More yadda, yadda, yadda bullshit. I didn't buy it. I could see it in her eyes. She was lying to me. B'Elanna really does care for me. She just can't admit it. Yet.

 

I told her that her Klingon side wasn't so scary, now that I'd seen it up close. And it isn't. I wasn't lying to her. It's exciting. She's exciting! But, it's just like I feared when she wouldn't let me come to see her in Sickbay.  She's so upset by everything that happened, she wants to pretend it didn't happen at all. It did happen. I'm glad it happened. I told her so. I said I wanted to see her Klingon side again someday. (Preferably when Vorik is locked up in the brig, although I didn't mention that to her.)

 

She didn't respond to me. No declarations of love, even if I could see it in her eyes. It was time for me to back off again, let her take the lead.

 

We restarted the turbolift. When she got off at her level, though, as she was walking away, she suddenly said, "Be careful what you wish for, Lieutenant," without even turning around to look back in my direction.

 

At first I wasn't sure I'd heard what I thought I heard. Then it was like she'd punched me in the gut. Now I'm thinking maybe she _DID_ make a declaration of love, and I was too dense to realize it.

 

I'm willing to wait to find out. I have a hunch I'll be able to tear down that stone wall around B'Elanna Torres' hearts someday, sooner rather than later. If I don't, I'll probably die trying.

_End Personal Log_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Personal Log Addendum_

I'd barely finished my log entry before Captain Janeway called us into the conference room. She'd just returned from the surface of the planet. Chakotay had called her down to meet him there because there was something he needed to show her. While our teams were helping the Sakari clear away the last of the ruins, they discovered the identity of the destroyers of the colony.

 

It's the Borg.

 

The senior staff is to behave as if we're on yellow alert at all times for the immediate future.

 

I caught B'Elanna glancing my way when the captain announced this news. It looks like we've got a lot more to worry about than sex-crazed Vulcans screwing up our love lives.

           

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate  50617.3_

When we found that long-dead Borg drone in the ruins of the Sakari world, Captain Janeway thought we were coming into Borg space. Clearly, we have, even if it's "Ex-Borg" space so far.

 

We had a memorial service for Ensign Marie Kaplan this afternoon. No body, of course. A bunch of the former Borg on that planet, the ones that attacked Chakotay and Kaplan, apparently tore her body apart. Why, we don't know. A throwback to their Collective days, maybe? Destroy whatever you can't assimilate?

 

We only know that when we tried to retrieve Marie's body, we couldn't find her.

 

Riley Frazier and her cohorts weren't all that much better. Yeah, they saved Chakotay's life, but they also possessed his consciousness and used the connection they made to heal him to force him to do what they wanted. The captain was really upset with him. Disappointed, I should say, because he stole a shuttle at Riley's bidding to turn on the part in the Borg cube that Riley _SAID_ would help them bring peace to the former Borg on that planet. As long as they stay put, fine. Let them be a "cooperative." The last thing we need is for any newly-created Borg running around in our vicinity. At least Riley had the decency to blow up the cube after Chakotay flew away in the shuttle. Of course, she probably did it to keep any other Borg from looking for them.

 

One good thing did come out of this experience. We'd retrieved a Borg drone's body from the derelict cube before it was blown up, and the Doc, Kes, and B'Elanna completed a post mortem on the corpse. They're discovering a lot of things about how drones work. They've been checking out those tubule things in their hands that they use to assimilate people with nanoprobes. They're mapping out what the different kinds of implants do. The Doc was able to speculate a bit on how their personal neural network works. He's collected a bunch of nanoprobes to experiment with, to see if he can turn them against the Borg. Or maybe use them to help heal us, like Federation nanite technology does.

 

Who knows? Maybe we'll be able to use that information to defend ourselves against them some day.

 

Whistling in the graveyard? Maybe. But we've gotta have hope, right?

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate  50799.9_

Gotta hand it to the Doc. He's trying to be more human than the humans on board. Not that I have a right to say anything if he wants to explore more about "real life" situations.

 

He came to me to discuss his plans for this new family program he's creating for himself. He says he doesn't want me to program it. He's just using me "as a sounding board," he says. I think he really does want me to help him with the programming, but he's afraid I'll get all snarky about it. I don't know why he thinks that. I lent him my '57 Chevy on Mars program when he wanted to romance Dr. Pel, didn't I? And that was when I was being ordered by the captain to be snarky, when she was trying to catch the spy who turned out to be Michael Jonas. But I was never snarky with the Doc during that time. Snarkier than usual, I should say.

 

Okay, maybe I was just as snarky with him as I usually am -- but I helped him with his "adaptive programming" whenever he asked me. With a minimum of snark. Usually.

 

The Doctor wants to explore family life, logically enough, by having a family. He's got the parameters all set: a nice wife, two kids (a girl and a boy, both brilliant, of course), and a suburban house right out of the television sit-down-coms (I'm not sure that's the right term, but it's something like that). Anyway, I tried to show him some of his options.

 

He's already picked out his family. He found wifey Charlene in one of the bodice-ripper holonovels Sue Nicoletti has on file. His daughter Belle's template came from the captain's old Victorian mystery holonovel. They've both been updated by the Doc to have a more contemporary look. I think he dug up Jeffrey from another one of the captain's old holonovels. The kid's hair is kind of funky because he came from a Dickens-themed program. His hair is definitely not Starfleet-standard short.

 

Now, the Doc, as we all know, is not too expert in the hairstyle department. He complains about being bald all the time. I have no idea why, unless it's because he likes to have something to complain about. All he has to do to get himself a nice head of hair is reprogram himself to have hair! I wish it would be that easy for me. I can see the old hairline getting  higher and higher all the time. But I digress . . .

 

Anyway, what the Doc showed me looks pretty interesting.  I did ask him if maybe he'd like to take Charlene to the '57 Chevy on Mars program first. Do some preliminaries _BEFORE_ the kiddies come. He got all offended at my "smarm."

 

Hey, I just thought he should have himself a good time before taking on the headaches of teenagers! After I made that suggestion, he told me he didn't need any more "improper suggestions" from me. I could "butt out," he said.

 

I was only trying to help. I happen to know he's a fully functional hologram, so he's not kidding me about what he's really up to. Yeah, there are kids in that house, but there's also a very nice master bedroom, with a huge bed. He may be skipping some of the preliminaries -- especially the messy diaper part -- but I doubt he's going to completely ignore the marital relations part. More power to him, I say. Let the holoprograms get some up close and personal action!

 

It's more than I can say I'm getting from B'Elanna. Yet.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate  50836.2_

 

This has been A DAY. I almost got killed, trying to collect plasma particles in the wake of some astral eddies that erupt in this area of space. A big mother of an astral tornado almost collected me instead. The _Cochrane_ and I were thisclose to becoming shards of debris in that interfold layer. I'm sure glad the captain, Harry, and B'Elanna managed to pull me out of there in time. They even got the _Cochrane_ back!

 

While I was "engaging in this reckless activity," as the Doc put it, he was having a crisis of his own. He's been having a tough time in his family program since B'Elanna "tweaked" it to change his "lollipop" family into something closer to the real thing. B'Elanna told me she respected the fact he was hanging in there. But when I got back from making like the Wizard of Oz in the astral eddy tornado, he told me he wasn't going back to his program any more. He said he'd "finished" it.

 

From the way he was tearing into me, though, I knew there was more to it than that. For one thing, he'd only been going there for a few weeks. I found it hard to believe he'd fully explored family life in that amount of time. I was right. He'd run into something really tough. His little girl Belle was dying because of a head injury.

 

I felt bad for the Doc, but I knew condolences weren't called for here. I explained to him that we'd all like to avoid facing the pain of a loved one's death, but most of us can't do that. And if he didn't go back and help his wife and son deal with the loss of Belle, too, he'd miss out on what a family gives you: support and love in bad times as well as good times. Like our _Voyager_ family has done for us over the past three years that we've been cut off from our families in the Alpha Quadrant. If he didn't see it through, he'd miss the whole point of having a family.

 

He seemed to be listening to me, but I didn't want to beat him over the head with the logic of it. I left. I hope he takes my advice.

 

I came back here to my quarters to rest. Of course, instead of resting, all I could think of was how my parents and sisters must have felt when _Voyager_ was reported missing. They all think I'm dead. It's so frustrating not to be able to let them know that I'm not only alive, I'm actually doing a helluva lot better than they could possibly imagine, from the way I was the last time they saw me in the Alpha Quadrant. Yeah, our ship is alone out here. There's danger everywhere. We're heading closer to an encounter with the Borg every day, and we can only hope we'll get through without being assimilated.

 

But I've found really good friends here. I'm falling deeper in love every day with a wonderful woman. I hope maybe someday, if we can manage to stay alive out here long enough, creating a family is something I'll get to do for myself -- and not one that's holographic, either. A real family, with a living, breathing Klingon/human who has captured my heart. Let me be honest with myself. I'm totally nuts about B'Elanna.

 

She was reading a Klingon romance novel today in the mess hall, before the whole astral eddy thing started. "Women Warriors at the River of Blood." I thought she left it behind when we were called to the bridge, but when I went back to the mess hall to pick up a snack before coming back here to quarters, it wasn't there. I guess B'Elanna remembered it and retrieved it after I was rescued. I know damn well she was on the bridge the entire time I was in danger. Harry confirmed that when he walked with me to Sickbay.

 

I looked for the novel in the Federation database. B'Elanna wasn't able to save much of her own stuff when she transported over here, just before the Maquis ship blew up. It was in the computer, just as I thought. I downloaded "Women Warrior at the River of Blood" (love that title!) onto a PADD. It's a freebie, fortunately, since I'm flat out of replicator credits.

 

So, while I'm nibbling on a private dinner of Pleeka Rind and Grub Meal casserole, one of my least favorite entrées, I'll divert myself from the crappy taste by doing research into how to please a Klingon woman. B'Elanna laughed at me when I said the novel could be a technical manual. When she ran through the requirements, though, it fits! It certainly will tell me more about "specializing in a particular system." Mainly, hers. I think that tickled her, too. She was almost purring when she told me she couldn't promise not to put a dagger in my throat.

 

Some women love romantic blather. I like to say I'm an expert in it, but I really suck at it. Others like you to talk dirty to them when you're wooing them. If you want to court an engineer -- talk technical to them. I learned that at the Academy! And if you want to sweep a Klingon off her feet, start swinging a bat'leth. That much I knew even before reading my techie manual in the art of Klingon love.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Personal Log Addendum_

 

B'Elanna contacted me as I was getting ready to go to bed.  The Doctor did go back to his family program. His family was all together when Belle "died." When the captain heard about it (I don't know how, but she always seems to find out about everything), she told the Doc she would be willing to hold a memorial service for Belle on the holodeck tomorrow. He agreed. B'Elanna asked me if I wanted to go with her. I told her yes, of course.

 

I'm glad the Doc followed my advice. It's going to be strange having a service like this for a holodeck character, but it's the right thing to do. I hope he doesn't give up on the program now. The mourning process is just that. It's a process. It takes time to deal with grief. The Doc somehow is getting to be as human as all of us on _Voyager_. I hope he has the guts to stick with it. It can only help him in his work as a healer. It's not only bodies that have to be put back together. Psyches, too. If anyone knows that, it's me.

 

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate   50887.4_

A lot has happened over the past few days. Not much of it very good. We didn't exactly lose _Voyager_ this time, but we might as well have. We're trapped inside a humongous star ship. The "City Ship," the Voth call it. They're not saying anything about what's going to happen to us, but with the advanced technology they possess, it's pretty clear. If the Voth don't let us go, we'll be stuck here for the rest of our lives. And the way the ones guarding us have been talking, that may not be for very long.

 

We're going to be the focus of some sort of trial. They haven't told us the particulars, only that Chakotay is going to speak for our crew in front of the chief minister of the Voth, elsewhere on the City Ship. Captain Janeway demanded to be allowed to speak, too, but the minister who has us under guard said there was no need. He was pretty insulting. The term "kangaroo court" comes to mind.

 

The captain is fit to be tied, and she might as well be. Captain Janeway and Tuvok are both confined to quarters. The Voth only let them out for meals in the mess hall, and they're always under guard. They are both completely cut off from any computer access. No comm access, either. They are allowed PADDs for "amusement," but one of us must bring them what they want to read. Needless to say, the Voth check over the PADDs before they're handed over to make sure there's nothing in them that could help them escape, or even to plan an escape. We know, because Harry slipped in a couple of rather innocuous references, just to see if the Voth could pick them up. They did. Like I said, their technology is really impressive. Too bad they don't seem to like us too much. If they were a bit more friendly, they might have the means to ferry us home. B'Elanna is sure they have transwarp capabilities, from what the guards have let slip.

 

I'm under guard, too. I guess it's because I fought back and set up our weapons array in a bid to shoot our way out. Once they knew what I was up to, though, the Voth froze me out of everything. I'm kind of glad they stopped me. If I was able to damage their City Ship in any way, I have a hunch I wouldn't be in any shape to make a personal log entry. Maybe there wouldn't even be a _Voyager_ any more. Yes, their technology is that good.

 

After the second day I was in custody, they've allowed me more freedom than the captain and Tuvok. That's, partly due to the fact they've allowed me to work shifts in Sickbay in relief of Kes. They took away the Doc's mobile emitter. If there's an injury or illness anywhere on the ship, Kes or I do the triage. The Voth have control over the transporters. If they decide it's not enough of an emergency, the crew member must walk to Sickbay. Fortunately, nothing serious has occurred yet, but it's a worry. What if I miss something critical? I'm only allowed access to the medical database when I'm physically in Sickbay. We had to beg the Voth to allow us a medical tricorder when we go to examine anyone.

 

When I'm off Field Medic duty, I'm locked out of anything but the literature database. Unlike the captain and Tuvok, I have some degree of computer access. I can download a story to a PADD by myself instead of needing to have someone else do it for me. The Voth allow me to go to the holodeck to visit either of the two programs that are running there, too. Most of the time, I go to Holodeck two, where the resort is running, to visit with B'Elanna, Harry, Neelix, and Kes -- always under the watchful eyes of our dinosaurian guards, of course. Sandrines is running on Holodeck One around the clock. The entire crew is locked out of every other rec program right now, though.

 

Computer access isn't restricted quite as much for the rest of the crew. There's  no access to critical systems, of course, but if B'Elanna and Harry really wanted to raise a ruckus, with their skills they could work around the limitations. Since we've got almost a hundred Voth guarding the crew at any given moment, and with Chakotay off _Voyager_ , Harry and B'Elanna don't want to rock the boat. I have to agree. We don't want to antagonize our supposed "cousins" any more than we already have.

 

To keep our minds away from some Very Bad Things our "cousins" might do to us, I've been talking about building a new "Delta Quadrant Special" shuttle with B'Elanna, Harry, and Neelix. They all agree it would be great to build one that is bigger, sturdier, and faster than the types we have on board _Voyager_ right now. As B'Elanna said, "We have to build our replacements anyway. Why not do a proper job and design one that will hold up better under the conditions we find out here?" Of course, it will take some time to get it done, and we'll have to make sure to obtain all the raw materials we need before we start.

 

Right now, because I'm virtually shut out of the computer, I can't do any of the real planning,  but Harry and B'Elanna do have access to the design programs,. Neelix and I brainstorm with them, which they put into the design plans. With any luck at all, we should have a better outcome with this project than the Warp 10 fiasco turned out to be.

 

The first bit of luck will be if the Voth let us go, so we have an opportunity to build the damn thing. Right now, that doesn't look all that promising.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate   50894.7_

 

That was a close one. We're free. Our first officer impressed Professor Gegen, the originator of the "Distant Origin Theory." Gegen found evidence to support his contention that the Voth evolved on Earth, most likely, from hadrosaurs. There may not be any fossil record of hadrosaurs evolving far enough to achieve space flight, but there is evidence they had a social structure that was more sophisticated than many other species  of dinosaur. They cared for their young in nests, for instance. An extended childhood suggests the parents protected and perhaps trained their young. Chakotay says the evidence of a more advanced civilization might still be on Earth, but lost underneath the sea or buried under many layers of rock.

 

We do know the Voth have 47 DNA markers which are the same as those in human beings. That could be a coincidence, like the Voth "First Minister" insisted, although it's pretty unlikely there would be that many without some sort of relationship between our two species. However, our database shows that many other species on Earth also have those same genetic markers. That's too much of a coincidence for us, and for Professor Gegen, too.

 

If Gegen continued to insist upon the rightness of his theory, the First Minister was going to trash _Voyager_ as obsolete garbage. Professor Gegen and our entire crew were to be imprisoned in a detention center for the rest of our lives. That would get us a "home," all right, but I tend to doubt we'd thrive there. For one thing, Chakotay told us the Voth have a prejudice against mammalian species. How well would they treat us, then? And if they destroyed _Voyager_ and its computer, how would we keep our Doctor? I've done fairly well in my medical studies when I've had the opportunity to work on them. Kes is even farther along than I am. But without our medical database available, we'd both have a tough time taking care of our people.

 

So, the professor renounced his theory. He told Chakotay he couldn't live with the consequences of what would happen to us if he didn't knuckle under to the First Minister. Chakotay said he really liked Gegen once he got to know him. He's over at Gegen's ship right now, saying goodbye. I understand he brought over a pretty glass ball representation of Earth to give Gegen as a souvenir.

 

I feel badly for the professor, and for his people too, for denying the truth of their history. They seem to be ashamed of it, for some reason. But I'm really happy we got out of that City Ship, even if the Voth did confiscate that cloaking device of Gegen's before we left. That could have come in real handy in the future.  


I hope the Borg never assimilated any of the Voth. If the Borg have access to their technology, it would take a miracle for us to get all the way home.

 

_End Personal Log_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_Personal Log Addendum_

Professor Gegen did a very nice thing before we parted company with him. Much of the evidence supporting his theory was in the skeleton of Hogan he found on Hanon IV. Gegen made a holographic recording of the entire skeleton, but he gave us most of Hogan's skeleton for us to bury. Along with pieces of Hogan's uniform, his rank insignia, and a couple of finger bones for DNA evidence, Gegen kept a copy of our entire database "for future generations." Someday, the Voth might have their "eyes opened" enough to recognize the truth of what Professor Gegen theorized.

 

We packed Hogan's remains into a photon torpedo and had another memorial service for him. I understand Chakotay gave Gegen the trajectory of the torpedo after we sent it off into space. Since the Voth are so enamored of their "doctrine," Professor Gegen doubts he'll ever need to look for Hogan's remains in his own lifetime. If there is a change in attitude, and a future First Minister is willing to reopen Gegen's case, Hogan will be waiting out there to bear silent witness to the Voth's relationship to humanity. Under the circumstances, I don't think Hogan would mind.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate   50912.4_

 

Okay. This time we _DID_ lose _Voyager_. The Nyrians snuck on board one by one, displacing our crew one by one, until they had our ship and we were stuck in a prison on a big ship heading nowhere. Captain Janeway never quits, though. We managed to get out of our "habitat," thanks to the captain and Tuvok.

 

B'Elanna and I had our parts to play, but it was touch and go at times. If we never got out of our habitat, I wonder if B'Elanna and I would still have had a chance for a relationship? We weren't getting along too well for a while.

 

To back up a bit, let me tell the whole story, because some of it dates back to when Professor Gegen and his assistant first came on board _Voyager_ to "observe" us. I never bothered to record that part in my log before. It didn't seem all that important.

 

Gegen told Chakotay that he had observed B'Elanna and me when we were displaying "courting behavior." That would be funny if it wasn't so true -- from my point of view, anyway. B'Elanna and I were arguing over whether a certain problem was caused by a malfunction in a plasma conduit or with an anodyne relay. It was a friendly sort of debate. I made a bet with B'Elanna. If the anodyne relay was causing the problem, and I won, she couldn't back out of going with me to my new Klingon martial arts program again. She had to at least try it out. When we got to engineering, I was able to prove it _was_ the anodyne relay. I'd won our bet.

 

Of course, that's when the whole thing with the Voth blew up. For the next several days we were too busy with the professor's abduction of Chakotay and the Voth takeover to get a chance to go to the holodeck. The Voth wouldn't let me run my Klingon martial arts program during our captivity. Once we were free, neither of us was too interested in doing anything other than getting back into our normal routines. Wait. That's not really true. Whenever I suggested she come with me to the program, B'Elanna was "too tired." So I didn't push her. I was trying not to come on too strong!

 

Then, a couple of days ago, she weakened enough to say she'd try it out. It's a great physical training workout. I was ecstatic she was willing to try it.

 

Disaster. She hated it. She was waving that bat'leth around like she wanted to use it on me, just for making her try it. Then this seemingly weak little man appeared out of nowhere, complaining it was too cold and too bright, wanting to know why we'd abducted him. He thought B'Elanna was threatening him with the bat'leth (no, she was threatening me, but we didn't go into that at the time).

 

Anyway, that's how it started. One by one, our entire crew got stashed in the Nyrian's comfortable prison. Yes, once again, I landed in the slammer. And this time, the entire crew got slammed in with me.

 

While we were there and trying to figure a way to get out, Captain Janeway sent me to see B'Elanna and the Doc. B'Elanna was changing the Doc into a "tricorder" at the time. (See the official logs for that part of the story. I'm not bothering to put it in here.) Anyway, we were still being pretty tetchy at the time with each other, but B'Elanna apologized to me about getting so aggravated over the program. An olive branch! I was more than willing to take it. I admitted to being a little too pushy with her about trying it out, too. I thought everything was going to be all right.

 

Then the Doc opens his mouth about B'Elanna's defense mechanisms. And I was idiot enough to agree with him. Then B'Elanna got mad and pointed out that I had my own defense mechanisms. She said I made everything into a joke, pretending whatever happened didn't bother me. The Doc agreed with her, and then _I_ got all steamed up. We had a nasty argument. She asked me why I kept trying to be her friend if it was so hard? I'm not sure exactly what I said, but I know it was something like I wasn't going to bother to try any more, and I stalked off.

 

I was there to ask a simple work question, and basically, everything blew up in my face. I was sure I had ruined any chance of having my relationship with B'Elanna develop into  anything more, simply by uttering a few sentences spoken in anger, egged on by the Doc. B'Elanna had shut down his vocal subroutines about two minutes too late.

 

I went back to the captain to bring her the information I was sent to obtain. Then I found a cot in one of the back rooms in the habitat and tried to sleep. I couldn't. I tossed and turned all night. Why did I get so hostile towards her? Yes, she was getting hostile with me. She hates to admit it, but she does. I know that. I understand I have to be careful with her, because she's still having trouble accepting the part of her that is Klingon. She really doesn't understand how prickly she can be, or how that can hurt someone else. But I do understand. Hell, I'd had plenty of practice around Ro. She could be prickly, too. The difference, I now see, was that Ro Laren understood and accepted her Bajoran heritage. Ro had her demons, but they had nothing to do with being Bajoran. She didn't have to reconcile two very different cultural backgrounds, any more than I have to deal with being anything other than a human. I may fight against "the admiralty" part of my heritage, but that's family history, not genetics. I don't have any excuse for my failures and bad behavior, other than that I screw up so much.

 

B'Elanna doesn't know how to handle her double heritage. The way I reacted, I sure didn't help the situation any. I tortured myself all night long with "woulda, coulda, shoulda" scenarios about how I should have handled my apology to B'Elanna for being so pushy. I knew I should have ignored the Doc. He can be totally clueless about human behavior. His ability to recite facts uploaded into his database does _not_ mean he really grasps the concepts, no matter what he thinks. I know that. Why was I so stupid? Why did I agree with him? A couple of ill-advised words, and the next thing I knew, B'Elanna and I were in a drag-out fight. It could be the end of all my hopes.

 

The next morning, I was exhausted, but I followed the Doc (vocal subroutines restored) and B'Elanna  around while they went hunting for a way out of our comfortable but aggravating prison. When they found it, I was tabbed to go along with the captain, Tuvok, B'Elanna and this weird alien guy Jarlath, to see what we could find on the other side.

 

There were dozens of habitats, all different, as far as we could see. B'Elanna, Jarlath and I split away from Captain Janeway and Tuvok to cover more ground. The Nyrians caught on to us pretty fast, though. Jarlath, that whiner, decided he was too happy living in his own habitat to help us get away. He stayed behind to be recaptured by the Nyrians. B'Elanna and I sought refuge in something called the Argala habitat.

 

We didn't run into any Argala natives in there. If anyone did live there now, maybe they were hibernating or something. It was an arctic environment, way too bright and frigid for the Nyrians. They sent their security people in after us, but they all collapsed pretty quickly from the cold.

 

I can't explain it any way other than brain freeze, but when two of the Nyrians collapsed right near us, we didn't grab their weapons! What were we thinking? We weren't thinking, that's what. But B'Elanna was suffering terribly from the cold, and all I wanted then was to get away from the doorway to avoid being captured again. Because of the frigid temperatures, I quickly realized we could only survive if we kept moving. We didn't dare try to escape to a pleasanter environment, because the Nyrians would just send us back to our own habitat (if they didn't decide to kill us for causing them too much trouble).

 

We walked for a while, but then B'Elanna said she couldn't keep going any longer. She wanted to take a nap, which was the worst thing either of us could do. We'd die for sure.

 

I ordered her to keep moving. When she fought me on it, I threatened to carry her. As independent as B'Elanna is, I figured anger would raise her body temperature, if nothing else. I put my arms around her to drag her along or, if necessary, fling her over my shoulder to carry her.

 

And that's when we were transported back to the Federation habitat.

 

Everyone laughed at us. I'm sure some of our crew mates who think they're very funny are saying we were snuggling up for sex, not warmth. I got ready for a Klingon punch from B'Elanna because of the humiliation, but she didn't do anything. I was depressed, I admit, because I figured the Nyrians had won. Maybe she was, too.

 

Imagine our surprise when the captain announced they had forced the Nyrians to give _Voyager_ back to us. We found out later that Captain Janeway had learned how to use the Nyrian transporter. After sending us back to the Federation habitat, she'd whisked the head honchos of the Nyrians into that same Argala habitat we'd just left. She threatened to leave them there to freeze if they didn't agree to giving _Voyager_ back.

 

The Nyrians may be clever, but at heart, they're cowards. Captain Janeway would have willingly allowed herself to freeze to death rather than give in to them, if she was on the other end of that threat. Of course, she would never have done anything as sneaky and underhanded as the Nyrians did to us in the first place, but you get my drift. The Nyrians caved in almost immediately.

 

We spent the next day imprisoning the Nyrians in one of their own habitats, carefully chosen to keep them warm without too much sun in the eyes. We contacted all of the other races whose citizens were trapped in their own habitats. There were over ninety of them in all, I understand. Arrangements have been made with the other alien groups to pick up their people (a couple of them have already arrived to rescue their folks). Now that the Nyrian tactics are known to so many, I have a feeling they're not going to be able to steal people so easily again. That's if they have use of their fancy long range but low power transporter again. A couple of the species on their way to the habitat ship have already said they plan to destroy that technology. The Nyrians can probably rebuild it -- if they aren't kept in prison themselves.

 

I wonder where they came from? They must have come from a planet, maybe far from here. I'm willing to bet they're a criminal element from a perfectly innocuous race.

 

At any rate, this evening after my shift was over, I went to the resort and sat in the (holographic) sun for a while. B'Elanna came in and took a seat on the loveseat next to me. The fact she was willing to sit right next to me was good. What made it even better is when she said that it was great to be warm again, because it was "chilly" there for a while. I got it. She wasn't talking about the temperature.

 

We had dinner. Afterwards, I walked her to her quarters. For the last several steps, as we were approaching her door, she grabbed hold of my hand. On an impulse, I lifted her hand to my lips and gave her a very gentle kiss on the back of her hand. Sort of Sir Walter Raleigh style.

 

And for the first time since the Sakari caves, B'Elanna kissed me. On the lips. Nothing too passionate, but I got the message. We were back, maybe better than before.

 

I'm still kind of annoyed at the Doc for prodding us into that argument, but maybe it wasn't a totally bad thing. B'Elanna and I had a major disagreement. We uncovered some very unpleasant truths about each other. Now that they're out in the open we can deal with them. We've made up. I hope this means we'll go on to being even closer than before. I sure hope so. That little glimpse . . . well.

 

I've been dictating this log since 2340, and now it's past 0100 hours. I'm not sure how much sleep I'm going to get tonight, but at least it's not going to be a "woulda, coulda, shoulda" kind of night. I'm going to have much happier scenarios running through my mind tonight. Lots warmer scenarios. Passionate scenarios.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate  50940.8_

Something weird happened today. I was waiting for B'Elanna at Neelix's resort. She was late, for the usual reason: there was a problem in engineering. Duh. What else is new? When Kes came into the resort and approached me, there was something in her manner that was a lot more familiar than usual. I was beginning to think I'd have to fend her off. Fortunately, B'Elanna swept in right after Kes did, apologizing  profusely (as always) for being late. I gave her a kiss (which is about as much as B'Elanna lets me do so far) and put my arm around her.

 

Kes gave us the strangest look and said, "You must be B'Elanna." It was almost as if Kes had never met B'Elanna before! After that, Kes left us alone. She sat by herself at a table near ours.

 

B'Elanna and I had a very pleasant meal, discussing the new shuttle project we'd worked on while the Voth held _Voyager_ captive. We both noticed Kes looking around constantly, like she was expecting something to happen. Nothing did, I'm glad to report.

 

B'Elanna and I couldn't figure out what was up with her. I wondered if Kes is sorry she threw away her relationship with Neelix. B'Elanna pointed out that every time Kes looked over her shoulder, poor Neelix was gazing over at her. Talk about having your heart on your sleeve! I'm pretty sure Neelix would be happy to take her back, if Kes would let it happen. Unfortunately for him, I don't think she will.

 

We don't know when Kes left. Neither of us noticed her walking out of the resort. One minute she was there, and the next, she wasn't. I asked Neelix if he'd seen her go, and he hadn't either. He looked puzzled, because he admitted he was staring at her almost constantly. And then she suddenly wasn't there.

 

After dinner, I walked B'Elanna back to her quarters. We ran into Kes again. This time she greeted us like she always did. It was as if she hadn't been with us earlier at the resort. In fact, she said something about how the Doctor had really kept her going today and she'd just finished up her shift in Sickbay.

 

I am at a loss to explain what happened. Was there some sort of temporal displacement incident? Was that an imposter Kes in the resort? A holodeck recreation? There was no record of anything unusual when I checked the computer just now, before starting my log entry. We only have one Ocampa on board, and no unexplained entities seem to have appeared all day. I have no idea what went on there. It's a real mystery.

 

Maybe it was just Kes pulling our legs a little. I think she knows I'm finally making some progress with My Fair Chief Engineer.

 

B'Elanna and I are still just friends, but there's a definite warming trend. I have to keep being patient and take my own advice. I have to remember to let it happen only in its own time. You can't hurry love.

 

Sorry. Sometimes I just can't resist those ancient 20th century song references.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate  50956.2_

You really have to hand it to Seska. She's persistent. Nothing stops her from trying to take her revenge on us. Even death can't stop her. The mistress of evil managed to return once again and almost destroyed _Voyager_. Hell, I thought Tuvok and I were both goners when she raised her rifle to kill us in the "Insurrection Alpha" holodeck program. With the safeties off, it might as well have been a real gun, fired by a still-alive and kicking Seska.

 

The "recreational program" by "Anonymous" that B'Elanna found was exciting. As B'Elanna said, it was "all about us." A Maquis takeover of _Voyager_ , with Chakotay, Seska, and our real crew appearing in holocharacter form. It really was fun to play the young and inexperienced ensign being recruited by the Maquis plotters. I played it both ways, as someone who tried to sabotage the takeover and then as someone who actually went along with the mutineers.

 

Talk about freaky! When "Lieutenant Tom Paris" was staring into my eyes with the business end of a phaser pointed right at my head, and I was pointing mine down the nose of "Lieutenant Paris," one way or the other, Paris was going to die!

 

Then the program cut off. No more story. I was so frustrated. B'Elanna and I -- and everyone else who was playing -- had no idea who the holonovelist was, or why he or she had never finished the program.

 

I don't think -- make that I know -- that no one could have imagined the author was our very mature Vulcan Security Chief Tuvok. He devised it as a training program for his young security staff right after we were thrust into the Delta Quadrant. He thought a Maquis mutiny was a real possibility at one time. Looking back on it now, the only real threats were Seska, who was never a real Maquis at all but a Cardassian plant, and Michael Jonas, who was a cowardly sneak in thrall to Seska (who would have eaten him for lunch if he had managed to live long enough to turn _Voyager_ over to her).

 

How did Seska find that abandoned program of Tuvok's? No idea. She did, though, and sabotaged it. If the entire holodeck had blown, the way she'd rigged it, the ship might very well have been wrecked beyond repair. Everyone would have died. Seska wouldn't have cared. She was Cardassian. She hated Starfleet and the Maquis equally!

 

I like to tweak Mr. Super Serious Tuvok sometimes, like when we went back in time to Los Angeles and Rain Robinson called him "Freakasaurus," but I respect him, too. He saved my life when the Baneans were punishing me for a crime I didn't commit. I owe him my life for that incident alone. I owe him for helping save B'Elanna when she was infected by Vorik with the Vulcan love bug. And now I owe him again for figuring out a way to sabotage that holographic Action Kate Special so it blew up holographic Seska instead of taking me out.

 

I think we're going to make a great team writing new holonovels for the crew. The captain says we need to have our own source of entertainment. With his logic helping with the plotting, and my ability to create colorful characters, we'll do great. I've been creating personas for Tom Paris for years, so I've had plenty of practice. I've revised a lot of our existing programs, and I have originated some, like the '57 Chevy on Mars and the Sandrine's programs -- although in both of those cases, I was recreating real places, people I'd known, and so on, so they're not totally original. Oh, and I did do that adaptation to the Sainte Claire program, but that was only to change a face. Anyway, I've created programs, but nothing as elaborate as an actual holonovel. Yet. The Paris/Tuvok Holonovels -- or maybe it should be the Tuvok/Paris Holonovels. Yeah, we've gotta go with seniority, I think, and give the old guy top billing. I love the sound of that, either way.

 

Since B'Elanna is so eager to have us inject a little "romance" in our stories, I think I'll ask her if she wants to work with us on that aspect. Get a woman's perspective. Yeah. Maybe even act out a scene or two while we're writing? Something romantic. Passionate. Sweaty. Yeah, that can work. I'll have to ask her about it tomorrow.

 

And Seska, the mistress of evil. I'll bet we can come up with a great scenario for a character like that. Maybe we can even have two mistresses of evil. Twin mistresses of evil! Yeah, that's it! Let me write that down.

 

_(scratching sound for several seconds)_

 

I think this is going to be great fun. Even if Tuvok will never admit to it being fun.

 

I just hope Seska didn't leave any more surprises for us on the holodeck, or anyplace else. Like the Caretaker did, when he dragged Dreadnought into the Delta Quadrant after bringing us here. Having dead entities constantly reappearing and causing trouble for us is starting to get pretty old.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 50984.7_

Well, it's finally happened. We knew it would eventually. We're entering Borg space.

 

At the senior staff meeting today, the captain and Chakotay showed us a diagram of the "Northwest Passage," the Borg-free zone running roughly in the direction we need to go to get to the Alpha Quadrant. The probe B'Elanna sent out about two months ago found it and sent us information about it -- until the probe encountered a Borg cube and pfft! There goes the probe. Not to mention letting the Borg know we're here.

 

It's a scary prospect. We're all alone out here, with no back up. An entire armada of Starfleet ships were destroyed by the Borg at Wolf 359. We just have to trust that Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay will pull out another rabbit from the hat and get us through.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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	4. Year Four

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**YEAR FOUR**

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51005.2_

It's been a while since I've had the chance to make any entries in my personal log. It hasn't been easy finding time to make my official log entries, as a matter of fact, even though they're always so straight forward and factual. When tussling with the Borg, time for anything other than fighting for survival is pretty limited. I barely had time for a real meal, and sleep has been catch-as-catch-can for several days.

 

And now we've got an enemy that can mop up the Borg. Species 8472, our resident Borg called them. Yes, we have now obtained our very own, personal Borg drone to add to our ship's complement. Forgive me if I wish we'd gotten Hogan back. Even Suder.

 

Oh, well, maybe I shouldn't be so harsh. The scuttlebutt is that she was assimilated as a kid, only six or seven years old. What does she know about humanity? She's spent all of her formative years in the Hive. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm wondering how she was assimilated in the first place. Picard and company hadn't met up with the Borg eighteen years ago, which is when she must have been assimilated. That's way before Wolf 359, when the Borg snatched Riley Frazier and a bunch of her Cooperative. How the hell did the Borg get hold of her? What's happened to her parents? Were they drones on the ship that was destroyed by this Species 8472?

 

I was on the bridge when the captain and Chakotay pulled their "Scorpion" ploy on this Seven of Nine, Tertiary Unimatrix Zero whatever it is. Not in the mood to look that one up right now. I've got to get back on duty. All I can say right now is that, as upset as I know the captain was when Chakotay was used by Riley Frazier and her Ex-Borg compatriots, maybe it wasn't a bad thing he'd had that experience. They were able to use a transceiver to send what amounted to a feedback loop to break Seven of Nine's connection to the Collective. I don't think they'd have known how to do that if Riley hadn't used the same ploy on Chakotay.

 

Seven of Nine is lying on the same biobed that Harry was when he was being eaten away from within by Species 8472. Talk about vicious. I hope we don't run into them again. The way things are going out here, we can't count on being that lucky, unfortunately.

 

Harry was cured by the Doc's "innovative" treatment with his Doctored up nanoprobes. (Sorry, can't resist that pun.) We got those nanoprobes by going on the "dead" Borg cube and bringing back the dead drone. Or mostly dead drone. He seemingly came back to life briefly. The main thing is, between that drone and Chakotay's experience with Riley Frazier, maybe the Doc can keep Seven of Nine alive, too -- as long as she's separated from the Collective permanently, that is. Who knows? She looks like she might be sort of pretty if she loses the gray skin and all of those Borg accessories.

 

We've lost so many people on this trip. It would be nice to acquire a few. So far, we've only added one since Neelix, Kes, and the Maquis came on board at the very start of our trek through the Delta Quadrant. It's going to be a while before Naomi will be ready to take a duty shift! If it's going to take seventy or so years for us to get home, we're going to have to dig up some replacements from somewhere. We certainly won't be getting any with Starfleet experience any time soon!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51009.4_

 

I went to Sickbay today to check on how Kes is doing. She was really shook up by all of that psychic tinkering Species 8472 was doing to her -- the "purging the universe of the weak" stuff she'd picked up from them telepathically. Hopefully, we'll get out of their way completely as we head on to the Alpha Quadrant.

 

While I was there, Kes and the Doc showed off what he's been doing with our new crew member. The Doc, with Kes' help, has done a really nice job making her look human again. He was tinkering with a replacement eye when I got there. The Borg had removed her organic left eye to insert the eyepiece she had on her face. He's done a very nice job matching the blue color in the iris and the shape of the artificial eye itself with the way her organic right eye looks. The Doc said his prosthetic is based on technology researchers have been working on in the Alpha Quadrant for a while now, to help people who are blind. It's supposed to eliminate the need to use that clunky VISOR thing, like the one the chief engineer of the _Enterprise_ wears. The Doc, of course, has "improved" the prosthetic eye so it looks even more normal than the prototype he found in his database. The Doc looked _so_ smug when he was telling me this.

 

I understand our ex-Borg was born Annika Hansen. She's still in a medically-induced coma because of all the surgery she's had to remove Borg implants. The Doc showed me the pile of mechanical garbage he's managed to take out of her body. It's frightening. I'm amazed the poor girl had room for any biological organs at all with all of that crap stuck inside her. The Doc admits that even with all of the hours he's spent stitching her together, she's going to need a special suit to hold her body together. Corsets, and such. And he couldn't take everything out. Some of her Borg components will have to stay inside her permanently. I hope that won't become a problem down the road.

 

They let me look at her. Her body was covered up with a silvery blanket, up to her chin. The skin on her face is now a normal human shade. It looks right with the blond hair he regenerated from the existing follicles. They were only suppressed by Borg technology. It must have killed him he was able to grow real hair on her Borg-bald head, since he claims his program won't allow him to grow any on his own! Her left eye was covered with a patch until the Doc can install his new, improved eye in the socket. I was right. She's starting to look quite pretty, now that she doesn't have that icky gray Borg skin any more.

 

The Doc wouldn't let me see what was under the blanket. He accused me of having a "prurient interest" in her body structure. It's not like she'll have anything I haven't seen before! Except for the Borg mechanicals, of course.

 

I confess, since he wouldn't show me, I did ask if she looked "normal." All he said was, "There is no such thing as 'normal,' Mr. Paris." Which probably means she basically does look like a normal human being under that blanket. As we all know, I'm much more interested in half-Klingon physiology now anyway.

 

Speaking of my fair Klingon, I'm going to spend a little time before my shift tomorrow working on that variation of the Klingon martial arts program, to make it suitable for use on the Day of Honor. I couldn't believe it when B'Elanna said she was thinking about observing the holiday this year and was willing to work on the adaptation with me. The Day of Honor will be here before we know it. With all of the crazy stuff that's been going on around here for the last month or so, We're way behind in getting the program together. I don't know if she'll want me to participate, but if she does, I'm ready. My studies in the Klingon cultural database are intriguing. If it weren't for B'Elanna, I don't think I'd ever have looked into the subject, and I have to thank her for leading me to it. The whole honor code thing is so fascinating. I sort of knew it before, but the details, well, I could spend my life doing this. Wait, am I repeating myself?

 

I guess it's time to go to bed. When I start to repeat myself, it's time for some shut-eye. I wish I wasn't going to bed alone, if you get my drift, but B'Elanna and I haven't gotten to that stage yet. I just have to remember to take it slow and easy. Like on the Sakari world. And look how great that turned out. Or hopefully will, eventually.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51035.2_

After all of Harry's tweaks about my love life over the past few years, it was way too much fun commenting on Harry's chagrin after Seven of Nine attacked him in that Jeffries tube today. If she had managed to contact the Collective after she conked him on the noggin, it wouldn't have been funny at all, of course. Since she didn't get through, though, it's become the joke of the ship.

 

Having been in that position myself -- being the subject of gossip, that is -- I should feel sorry for him. I do. A bit. Misery loves company, and all of that!

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51045.6_

B'Elanna, Harry and I went to see the Doc tonight. We asked him if he wants to join us when we ask the captain if we can have some sort of memorial service for Kes. We can't have a real funeral, since, as far as we know, she's not really dead. Still, she's gone, and we all need closure. Especially Neelix and Tuvok, I should think. They were both so close to her, in different ways.  And the Doc was her mentor regarding her medical studies. It's really too bad she's gone. Her skills as a doctor were increasing daily. I guess, with that accelerated growth rate and limited lifespan Ocampa have, they have to be really quick on the uptake to learn what they need to know to survive. They've only got so much time before they're gone.

 

That's one thing I don't understand. Ocampa are supposed to live for about nine years, according to Kes and Neelix. Kes isn't even four yet. Of course, we don't know what's really happened to her. The Doc told me that Tuvok believes her telepathic communication with Species 8472 triggered this. She was progressing with Tuvok's teaching, but not to the extent of weakening the very structure of our ship.

 

I have to wonder, though. I volunteered to help clean up the dead plants in the hydroponics bay after Kes went all hyper at that Ocampa space station and killed most of them. That guy Tanis was teaching her some really dangerous stuff. The rumor mill had it that she lost all of that power once she was away from him, but maybe what he'd done with Kes was the same sort of thing that Species 8472 did to her. They brought out latent powers that she wasn't mature enough to deal with.

 

I'm babbling a bit here. The Doc said he thought a memorial service for Kes was an excellent idea. He said he received much comfort when we held one for him after he lost Belle in his family program. In fact, when we were getting ready to leave to go to speak with the captain about one for Kes, he called me over and said, "You were right, Mr. Paris." I realized immediately he was talking about his family program, and that he was better off going back and dealing with the pain instead of giving up when things got tough.

 

This time, it's not a holodeck program; it's real. There's no way to pretend this didn't happen. Kes is gone. She's dead to us all. We can't ever expect to hear her sweet voice again. It's so very painful for us all, but at least the Doc is better able to handle it than he would have been if he'd given up on his own program. When he told me about his plans for teaching Seven of Nine how to be more human, I was going to call him on it. But then I remembered. At least by working on Captain Janeway's "pet Borg project," he's not thinking about Kes all of the time.

 

It's amazing. I think of him "thinking" like he's an organic being. I never dwell any more on the fact that he's a manifestation of computer algorithms, our medical database, and holographic technology. He's just the Doc to me. Maybe he will turn out to be the right one to return a half-mechanized being back to a human. He's got experience. He's had to do it to himself -- with a lot of help from Kes. If he can help Seven become human the way Kes helped him, it will be a very fitting memorial to Kes. If only she hadn't been with us for such a short time!

 

_End Personal Log_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_Personal Log Addendum_

 

The captain agreed with our suggestion to have a memorial service for Kes. In fact, she announced it while we were still in her Ready Room speaking with her about it. It's scheduled for 1300 hours tomorrow. I offered to help with planning it, but she said not to worry. She said if I wish, I can be one of the people who gives a "remembrance" of the departed. Departed -- that's sure the right word for what happened to Kes, isn't it?

 

I looked into the database and found words from the Bible I remembered hearing from my mom. She used to sing this old folk song from the 20th century called "Turn, Turn, Turn" every now and then. I guess I've never mentioned before in this log what a nice voice Mom has. She's a mezzo soprano, I think. She's not an alto, and her voice isn't that real screechy soprano like that hologram the Doc sang with when he dragged me into one of his opera programs. Her voice is so pretty. Anyway, I remember her singing that song when I was a kid, and telling me it was from the Bible. I won't sing it, because I'm not sure of the tune, but I plan on sharing some memories of her and then reading those words. They're very appropriate. I hope they'll be a comfort to the entire crew.

 

_End Personal Log_

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51163.1_

She's still hedging, but I think B'Elanna is actually going to go through with our Day of Honor program. I'm sure she'll love it once she gets going. B'Elanna may be frightened of her "Klingon side," as she always calls it, but she needs to embrace it to be really happy.

 

I offered to do the program with her, but when she turned me down flat, I backed off. If I push her, I know she'll refuse to go into the program herself. Sometimes B'Elanna needs a little push, but whenever she starts going all Klingon on me, I have to be careful. It's often better if I just let her go her own way, until she cools down. I'm learning there's a time for confrontation -- because Klingons value strength -- but there's a time for -- I guess I'd call it diplomacy. This time, I need to be Thomas Eugene Paris, Diplomat.

 

_End Personal Log_

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51178.1_

 

Well, so much for the "Day of Honor" program we wrote together. B'Elanna never finished it. In fact, she barely started it.

 

I get that B'Elanna was having a Really Bad Day. Her Sonic Shower went on the fritz in the morning, and she was late getting to Engineering. She was already out of sorts when I turned in the report she wanted and she wasn't sure she was up to doing it. The Day of Honor program, that is. Then Chakotay came in and asked her to work with Seven of Nine on adapting our drive, utilizing some of the remaining Borg circuitry, to try to develop transwarp capability for _Voyager_. Needless to say, she wasn't in favor, but Chakotay pulled rank on her. (I overheard him telling the captain about it on the bridge. Hey, it's not _THAT_ big a bridge. If it was a private conversation, he should have told her in her ready room, right?)

 

Anyway, the Engineering staff did their usual bang-up job, even with our former Borg ordering them around, and we had a little down time before the experiment was to take place. I kept my distance and, really, I wasn't trying to pry . . . well, yeah. Maybe I was. After Neelix told me B'Elanna had eaten the Rokeg Blood Pie he made her (I can only imagine how much like the real thing it must have tasted like, but it was really nice of him to do for her, nonetheless), I stopped by the holodeck to see if she had gone ahead with the program. I was really excited when I saw it was running, until Nicoletti came by and told me she just saw B'Elanna running down the corridor. I checked the computer for her location. B'Elanna was in her quarters.

 

I went into the program to see how far she'd gotten. I was really apprehensive, and with good reason, as I quickly found out. I discovered a holographic Klingon who was having just as bad a day as B'Elanna was, and at the very beginning of the program, too. So, I shut it down and went to see her in her quarters.

 

We got into a fight. _Mea culpa_ , at least in part. I know I shouldn't have pushed her about how she had barely begun the program, and she lashed back out at me, and then I accused her of pushing me away, and she told me to leave her alone then, and . . . well. I told her if this was the way she treated someone who wanted to be her friend, she'd be alone all right. And I stalked out.

 

I was mad at myself as soon as I got into the corridor and almost went back in to apologize. I thought better of it, though. She needs me to confront her about this. She must accept both sides of her heritage if we are ever to move this relationship to where I would like it to go. I love her so much. If I thought we would be able to truly love each other without her acceptance of her Klingon side, I would leave it alone; but I know it's simply not possible. Every time she denies that part of herself, she does something in a way that makes me see how big a part of her personality it is! Maybe I'm being pig-headed and stubborn about this, but I know it's the right thing for her to do.

 

Well, I hope getting that off my chest will be helpful, because in a few minutes I have to get down to Engineering for the transwarp experiment. I'll have to face B'Elanna again, and I know I have to be strong to do that in her presence, not to mention that Seven of Nine will be there, too. Won't pay to be weak around her, either!

 

After I left B'Elanna's quarters, I ran into Seven of Nine. She was her imperious self when I asked her about tips on traveling through a transwarp corridor. I don't need to know, you see, because she wants to drive. I barely had a chance to respond to _THAT_ before we passed Tuvok with one of the Caatati, an alien race which had been decimated by the Borg. He was on board begging for more supplies from the captain, even though we'd already given them as much as we could spare. This Caatati verbally attacked Seven of Nine because she had been a Borg, even though Tuvok explained to him she was no longer part of the Hive and no threat to his people.

 

I apologized to Seven after the incident, but she claimed not to be upset since she wasn't injured (although, if Tuvok hadn't dragged the guy away, he would have tried to hurt her, I truly believe). She did, however, comment that many people on the ship had similar feelings about her. She said it didn't bother her, but I have to wonder. Thanks to my own experiences when I first came on board, I know how difficult it is to be a pariah to most of the crew. I was willing to help Seven by sharing some of this, but right after having it out with B'Elanna, I didn't want to risk pushing Seven too hard! I simply told her if there was any way I could help her adjust to life on board the ship, she should ask me. Seven looked a bit puzzled, but she said she'd remember my offer.

 

It's strange, but while I fully appreciate what a spectacular woman Seven is in appearance, thanks to the Doc's surgical interventions, I'm not attracted to her physically at all. I know the main reason is that I'm in love with B'Elanna, but I think there's something else, too. Thanks to what the Borg did to her, she's just so icy cold in personality. Even though she's biologically human, she's more alien than any of the other species on board _Voyager_. I've always preferred a fiery, warm person like B'Elanna.

 

I hope I get the chance a chance to make up with B'Elanna before dinner tonight. She may or may not be willing to share a meal with me after the transwarp experiment is over, but I'll make the attempt. Maybe I _SHOULD_ apologize for being so pushy with her over the aborted program. I'll play it by ear tonight.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51182.6_

Well, I didn't get a chance to make up with B'Elanna or have dinner with her. We were floating in space, getting ready to die at the time.

 

The transwarp experiment didn't go well. B'Elanna's Bad Day got worse. Tachyon particles from the experiment leaked into the propulsion system and flooded the warp core. We had to evacuate Engineering when it got ready to blow (I had to drag B'Elanna out of there physically) and then she had to eject the warp core before it blew up the ship. Thanks to the vacuum of space, which quickly dampened the reaction when the tachyons leaked back out of it, the core was intact; but B'Elanna and I had to go after it in the _Cochrane_ to bring it back to _Voyager_. Awkward, to share a tiny shuttle compartment with someone you've had a serious disagreement with just a few hours before. It could have been a chance to clear the air without worrying about any outside influences, if things had gone the way they should have. But, of course, they didn't.

 

A Caatati ship managed to put a tractor beam on the warp core and, even though the core was unstable because it hadn't been repaired yet, they were tugging it along, undoubtedly on the way to rob _Voyager_ of whatever else we had that they wanted. Unfortunately, when I tried to disrupt their tractor beam, they sent an antimatter pulse back to us and ruined the structural integrity of the _Cochrane_. We managed to get into space suits and beam out just before the poor shuttle blew into smithereens. This time, it's really a goner.

 

And we were almost goners, too. Our suits started leaking oxygen, so, in no time at all, instead of 24 hours' worth of air, we were down to less than an hour of life before it would be curtains for us. And since _Voyager_ was out of range of our space suit com systems, all we could do was send out a carrier wave to let them know we were in trouble and hope they could follow it back to us. I tried to banter with B'Elanna a bit to relieve the tension, but it wasn't a good situation. We both knew it _._ After we floated there with our suits linked together for a while, it dawned on us that rescue wasn't very likely. With the Caatati in possession of our warp core, even if the captain did manage to get it back quickly, it wouldn't leave much time for _Voyager_ to get to us before our oxygen ran out.

 

B'Elanna brought up the subject first. She said how ironic it was that she was going to die on the Day of Honor, when she didn't feel like she had a shred of honor. I felt so bad for her. I couldn't understand why she felt she had no honor. She's done so much for _Voyager_ , and for her mates in Maquis before coming to the Delta Quadrant. Why couldn't she see how much honor she had shown, in so many ways? I decided to distract her by asking her if she still saw me as the same arrogant pig she thought I was when she first met me. Under the circumstances, I expected she'd be kind and say she didn't see me that way anymore. Wrong. She told me I was now a stubborn, domineering pig. I guess my hurt showed through the faceplate, because she said she was just kidding.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure she was kidding, not really, but then she hesitated, and then said she knew she was pushing me away again. I said that pushing people away was a great way to keep from getting hurt, and then she said she was being a coward -- not what I wanted her to think. If only I could have hugged her, but I couldn't get any closer. The suits were in the way.

 

I think I drifted off to sleep for a while, because I know I was dreaming when B'Elanna woke me. Or maybe it was the voice in the suit that woke me, warning me we were running out of oxygen. Clearly, we were about to die. It was time to tell her the truth. I told her I was glad the last thing I was ever going to see was her. Because I was glad. If I had to die, I wanted it to be in the arms of the person I loved, even if we were separated by our space suits.

 

And then she told me if she was going to die, she wanted to regain some honor by telling me the truth, too. She loved me. And then she expected me to respond to that, when I was too stunned (and low on oxygen) to know what to say. So, I said the first thing I could think of: "You picked a great time to tell me."

 

Wonderful, Tommy-Boy. Why didn't you just say you loved her, too? I mean, it didn't seem like you'd ever have the chance to say it to her later on, given the situation! But she smiled, so I think she understood, without me saying it, that that was what I meant.

 

Then there was another voice in my ear. The captain's. _Voyager_ had arrived, just in time, and beamed us aboard the ship.

 

Pandemonium on the transporter pad, as Culhane and Harry cracked open our face masks so we could breathe the ship's air before we were asphyxiated in our suits. I must have passed out then, because I woke up in Sickbay, with the Doctor hovering over me and berating me for taking another foolish risk with my life. Like I'd had a choice! B'Elanna wasn't there. She'd recovered in the transporter room and had refused to come back to Sickbay. The Doc was forced to check her over there and release her. She went to Engineering immediately to supervise the repair and reinstallation of the warp core.

 

I haven't had a chance to see her since. To talk to her, since. As soon as I was released from Sickbay, the captain asked Harry and me to help with the plans for a special ceremony for Tuvok two days from now, so, along with everything else I have to do and what she has to do, we haven't had a chance for a nice, air-clearing dinner. To clarify things. I mean, we almost died. Maybe she didn't mean what she said, even though I meant every word of what I said to her.

 

But I sure hope she did.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51188.3_

From apprehension to elation to devastation (or at least, disappointment), all in less than five minutes.

 

I was happy to participate in the "roast" of Tuvok, as Captain Janeway elevated him in rank to Lieutenant Commander Tuvok. Don't know what the brass at Starfleet are going to say about her doing that, but hey, what can they say? It may be sixty years before they even find out! If ever! Tuvok was as gracious as a Vulcan can be, listening to our jokes and teasing, but if ever a promotion was deserved it was this one.

 

What was really stunning was the aftermath. When the dinner was over, B'Elanna slipped out ahead of everyone else. I wasn't about to let my chance to finally talk to her slip away, too. I ran after her, and I gave her the out I thought she wanted. I told her I understood we were on the verge of dying, and suffering from oxygen deprivation, and she probably didn't mean it when she said she loved me. And then, oh happy day! She said she did love me, but I didn't have to return her love. In fact, we could just forget about what she'd said, giving me the out she thought that _I_ wanted.  Right. I pushed her against the wall and started to kiss her as thoroughly as I could, not wanting to come up for air for, oh, say, as long as we could hold our respective breaths.

 

And then the downer. The Doc broke us up and informed me that I was to be Kes' replacement in Sickbay. I was to be the "new nurse" -- on a "temporary" basis, of course (like I really believe _THAT_ ).

 

 B'Elanna slipped away then, and I was severely disappointed that we couldn't adjourn to one of our quarters to finish up what we'd barely begun to experience, in the way of kissing. And more.

 

Now I'm sitting here in Sickbay. I've already assumed my new duties, since B'Elanna and the Doc are on some sort of emergency mission to help an alien hologram stranded on a ship without its crew. I would have been happy to go along, too, but the Doc pulled rank. He wanted to be a hero and save another hologram. Honestly, I understood his reasoning, and the captain's, as well. I just wish B'Elanna and me had gotten a chance for a little up close and personal time first!

 

_End Personal Log_

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51193.4  (whispering)_

Talk about a close one! We'd barely had a chance to begin, and I almost lost B'Elanna forever. Not to mention the Doc. Imagine the state of health for the crew if we'd lost him and I'd have to be the Chief Medical Officer for the rest of the trip!

 

That hologram -- isomorphic projection -- whatever -- call him by what he really was. A murderer. B'Elanna and the Doctor discovered the bodies of the dead crew while they were fixing up the alien ship. This Dejaren claimed he'd been treated very badly by his crew, but who knows the truth now? They're all dead, and his program was deactivated permanently when he stepped on an isomagnetic conduit while trying to kill B'Elanna. Someday, perhaps the people of Seros will find the ship and be able to sort it out from logs left behind. Or maybe not.

 

At any rate, after the Doc repaired B'Elanna's perforated ventricle and stopped all the internal bleeding from Dejaren's attack on her, Doc released her to her quarters. She invited me to walk her back to her quarters. And I'm still here.

 

Oh, what a wonderful night we've just had! Loving B'Elanna is even better in the reality than my wildest dreams! I . . .

 

_(Torres voice, sleepy-sounding) ::: Tom? What are you doing?:::_

Oh, nothing much. Just making a short personal log entry.

_:::Talking about me, I suppose?:::_

Umm, your name maybe has come up a few times.

_:::Better not be anything too detailed. About what we just did, I mean.:::_

Nothing too detailed. Just expressions of general happiness, if you please, ma'am.

_(distinct sounds of growling, and a crash of something shattering against a bulkhead)_

Hey, watch out, B'Elanna! That came really close to my head!

_:::Get over here, Helmboy, unless you want me to aim for your head again. I want to do some more things you won't detail in your log.:::_

Ummmm.

 

_:::Oh, yeah. Do that again, Tom. Yes. Lower down. Oh, yeah, that feels so good!:::_

_(repetitive section truncated by editor)_

 

Whoops. Almost detailed a lot more in this log than I wanted to . . .

_End Personal Log_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log Addendum_

 

Back in my quarters. I listened to my last log entry and decided to leave it as is. Who knows? Someday I may want to listen to it again and remember the fun we had that night. How special that night was to me. And to her, I sincerely hope.

 

Before I was so enticingly interrupted, I wanted my log entry to include some thoughts about my friend, Harry Kim (who also deserves a promotion, although I doubt he'll get one any time soon).

 

Harry, Harry, Harry! I would have thought getting klunked on the head by Seven of Nine when she tried to contact the Collective right after being severed from the Hive would be enough to knock any possibility of a physical attraction with her out of Harry's head. How wrong I was.

 

While B'Elanna was off the ship and I was on Sickbay duty, I had to deal with Harry's infatuation with Seven of Nine. "There's a woman in there." "A vulnerable woman." Right, Harry. Believe me, I noticed there was a woman in there. Thanks to the Doc, I don't think anyone could possibly not recognize the woman in there.

 

And, really, I do realize she's vulnerable in many ways. She's a child in a femme fatale's clothing. However, she is also excruciatingly logical, not to mention perceptive. If Harry thought she wouldn't see through his transparent longing for physical contact, I think he knows it now.

 

Let me start at the beginning, because it _is_ a funny story and I want to remember it.

 

Chakotay assigned Harry to work with Seven on upgrading the Astrometrics sensors. There's no denying they needed it. They haven't had any sort of upgrade since _Voyager_ was slammed into the Delta Quadrant by the Caretaker.  With all of her Borg knowledge, and Harry's intimate knowledge of everything on the ship, Operations-wise, they were a logical pairing to work on the project while we waited for the Doc and B'Elanna to return from their humanitarian mission. And, you know, I can see Harry being very good for Seven. After all, Harry was the one who befriended me when I first came on board and everyone else hated me. He was the first of the crew to really reach out to the Maquis, too. Seven is another one who is, shall I say, not universally beloved? Okay, maybe resented and feared by most of the crew is a better way of expressing it. She's not exactly an innocent either, even if she is a child in many ways. And Harry also has the regrettable habit of falling for the unattainable woman. The wrong twin. The alien masquerading as a holodeck character who was more interested in logical Tuvok than warm and personable Harry. Not to mention the vampire women who tried to convince him he was a child of theirs who just happened to be born on the other side of the galaxy.

 

When Seven hurt herself during a "radical dislocation" of a Borg attachment to _Voyager_ , Harry was very solicitous of her and brought her to Sickbay for a little of Nurse Tom's attention. Perfectly appropriate. But when I was joking around with her to distract her from her concern that she had become "weak" because her nanoprobes no longer could heal her immediately after a minor injury, Harry got all bent out of shape and started to lecture me on my lack of bedside manner, inappropriate humor, etc. I mean, I've gotten that from the Doc often enough. I don't need it from Harry, too.

 

I would have been less bothered if I didn't see the signs of Harry's "unattainable woman" fixation showing up again. I advised him to proceed carefully with Seven because she was a Borg only a few weeks ago. She's got a _LOT_ of adjusting to her new state of humanity before she'll be ready for the sort of romantic interlude Harry undoubtedly is fantasizing about. And I didn't even mention Harry's burgeoning relationship with Lyndsay Ballard, his friend from the Academy who is also here on _Voyager_. They've been spending as much time with each other as any couple on the ship lately. Not that much of course, with the need for constant repairs to the ship, but enough so I'd started to think that maybe, finally, Harry was catching on that it was desirable to become involved with an attainable woman for once! However, Harry didn't want to hear anything from me about being cautious with Seven.

 

This morning, Chakotay comes onto the Bridge, all wreathed in smiles, and leans over to whisper to the captain a conversation he'd just had with Seven of Nine. It seems that Harry wanted to "burn a little midnight oil" last night with Seven, ostensibly to work on the schematics for the Astrometrics project, but really to ask her to go on a holodeck date with him to watch the Ktarian moonrise simulation. And Seven, bless her icy little heart, immediately jumped to the conclusion (undoubtedly more right than he'd like to admit) that Harry wanted to "change the nature of their affiliation" and have sex with her. She told him she'd be willing and ordered him to take off his clothing. Harry got all flustered and denied it, of course, and that was the end of their midnight oil burning.

 

Yes, I overheard. I've mentioned before that the distance between the command chairs and the helm isn't that great. Besides, as Chakotay went on, his voice got louder and louder until he was speaking in a stage whisper that carried, probably, all the way over to Lang at Ops and Ayala at Tactical. It was all I could do to keep myself from guffawing the way the captain was all the while Chakotay was describing it to her. Anyway, our command team decided that when the schematics for the update are completed, they're going to leave Harry and Seven working as a team to build the thing, too. I hope Harry's heart can take it!

 

Seriously, if Seven could bend at all, Harry probably would be even more helpful to her than I would be to help her adjust to life as an individual and part of the crew. Part of "the team," if you will. The problem is, I don't think Seven is capable of that right now, and may not be for a very long time, if ever.

 

It was nice to see the captain and Chakotay being so chummy again, though. We haven't seen it that much lately, especially since that misbegotten alliance with the Borg almost blew up in our faces. I liked seeing them laugh together. Or maybe it's just that I'm so happy right now with my B'Elanna that I'm seeing romance everywhere I look.

 

But Harry and Seven? Sadly, no.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51194.7_

 

The B'omar. A very interesting species. I'm glad we're speeding away from their space as fast as we can. We learned more about Seven's history, thanks to our side trip into their space to pick up Tuvok and Seven from the ship where Seven and her parents were assimilated, but otherwise our contact with them was a waste. I have a hunch it wouldn't have saved us any time to take a shortcut home through their territory, what with their speed limits and the winding course they insisted we'd have to take to travel through their space. We can make better time going around them, I'd say, even if it does take us three months to do it. We can move faster, for one thing!

 

I've been intrigued by something else, though. The Hansen's ship _The Raven_ was 60,000 light years or so away from where records show was its last known position 20 years or so ago -- in the Alpha Quadrant. How did they get so far into the Delta Quadrant 18 years ago? Even if the Borg had given the ship a lift of some sort before it crashed, that ship had to have been moving faster than any conventional drive the Federation possessed back then. It's a shame there was so little data available from _The Raven_ , according to Tuvok. The Borg had snatched the ship's propulsion system. Were the "important experiments" Seven remembers her father doing connected with a new type of drive? Unfortunately, since she was only six years old when she was assimilated, Seven didn't know what her parents were doing in their experiments, or how the ship got here.

 

Makes you wonder if the Hansens weren't onto something like a stable transwarp drive when they came to the attention of the Borg. If they were, the evidence is long gone. It does give us all a little hope that we may find some faster way home if we do some more experimenting ourselves, assuming we get the chance. There seem to be a lot of nasty folk out here besides the Borg. The B'omar certainly were not willing to be our good buddies. It would be nice if we could find a few more people out here who were at least a little bit friendly. The Talaxians were pretty nice, but they're way behind us now, except for Neelix.

 

I know most everyone on board ship would like to get home sooner. Not me, though. I'm happier way out here. And poor Neelix is getting farther and farther away from any of his people. I feel for him, I really do.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51213.3_

It's true. We're out of control. Tuvok caught us in Engineering, rolling around on the upper control panel. I mean, it's a public place, and anyone from B'Elanna's crew in Engineering could have caught us, too. What would that have done to department morale? And when I tried to control the situation with Tuvok, I got the feeling he was going to run to the captain and tell on us as soon as he could get onto the bridge instead.

 

It was bad enough when I left Sickbay the other day to meet B'Elanna in the Jeffries tube. I mean, the sex was great, but that was dangerous, too. We both got that creepy feeling someone was watching us while we were doing it, but that didn't stop us. I wasn't even comfortable leaning against that bulkhead! But being with her was still great.

 

I think we really do have to cool it for a while. If we can.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log Addendum_

The other shoe has fallen. After the staff meeting, the captain chewed out B'Elanna and me for not controlling ourselves. She said Tuvok hadn't said anything to her about finding us _in flagrante_. She's gotten reports from people all over the ship complaining about us. We'll have to do better. B'Elanna and I know we're going too far lately. We just can't seem to get enough of each other in the short time we have together. We never seem to both be off duty at the same time. I guess we'll have to "manage our time better," as B'Elanna told me a while ago. It's difficult, though. I think about her all the time. Dream about her lovely, muscular, yet feminine body all the time. With the subtle Klingon ridges along her backbone . . .

 

Here I go, getting aroused all over again just thinking about her. I think I'll see if Harry is willing to play some hoverball later tonight. I've got to do something to burn off this sexual energy, because B'Elanna is on duty again tonight when I'm off. I can't wait to see her again, to tear off her . . . Rats. I'm doing it again.

 

If only I were at the helm more, instead of spending so much time in Sickbay with the Doc! At least I'd get a chance to study that binary pulsar we've been observing for the past couple of days! Maybe then I'd be able to concentrate on my real job, and not so much on B'Elanna's beautiful . . .

 

Oh, man. Gotta stop this.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51244.7_

We think we've gotten our answer about why B'Elanna and I have been so out of control for the past several days. Our libido is not necessarily THAT out of whack, at least, not naturally. We must have been among the subjects of an alien race's unholy medical experiments. At least, we think we were. I still want B'Elanna all the time, but we're not completely out of control now. I'm willing to wait to get to someplace really private before we start to make out!

 

It was a scary few days. Chakotay and Neelix were both radically affected by the alien experiments. Chakotay turned into an old geezer in a few hours, and Neelix had some recessive genes turned on that made him, well, "stink" is the best way to say it. From his grandfather's Mylean sweat glands, he said. I don't know if a female Mylean would be attracted by the way Neelix smelled, but the rest of us were plenty turned off, believe me.

 

When B'Elanna was helping the Doc investigate their DNA, suddenly her lungs couldn't process oxygen any more. And the Doc's program was lost, too. I felt completely out of my depth, trying to deal with dozens of medical emergencies with the Doc seemingly gone forever. Realizing something or someone was trying to delete his program, however, he managed to transfer himself to the captain's DaVinci program in order to hide out in plain sight among the recreational holograms. I'm certain that being in the presence of all of those luscious artist's models had _NOTHING_ to do with his choice of program. (Yeah, right.) Anyway, he managed to contact Seven and had her come to him so he could adjust her artificial ocular implant to perceive the phase variance B'Elanna had mentioned just before she collapsed. Seven then could see the out-of-phase medical researchers who were all over the ship, adjusting their weird contraptions, which were also invisible to us in our reality. The captain was one of their victims. Seven said she had massive needles boring into her skull, which the captain later found out was part of an experiment to see just how much pain a human could take before cracking up.

 

Not much more, as it turned out. Once Seven figured out a way to make the researchers visible, they refused to leave the ship without finishing their experiments or finishing us. I think I'm glad I wasn't at the helm then, because the captain admitted she'd gotten so crazy she took _Voyager_ _THROUGH_ the binary's orbit and almost destroyed our ship in the process. We do know that one of the researchers' ships was destroyed when they tried to leave, and we think the other one was, too. We never even learned the name of those aliens so we could avoid their space.  We also don't know how long they were with us. The captain had been having terrible migraine headaches for several days, so we're fairly certain they were on board for at least that long. Who knows for sure, though?

 

B'Elanna and I were kidding each other over dinner that our whole relationship might have been caused by the aliens' experiments. Not a chance, unless they've been on the ship for over a year, long before we came to the Sakari world! But just in case, we are quite willing to continue the experiment for them for a very long time!

One thing this experience left me with was a greater appreciation of how much the Doctor means to us. Trying to take care of that flood of casualties without his guidance was something I hope never to repeat. If anything had happened to deactivate the Doc permanently, Sam Wildman and I would have had to become the primary medical caregivers. What a scary thought! Now that Naomi is a bit older, Sam will be able to pull more shifts in Sickbay, but I would be designated as the primary medical officer if we lost the EMH because I have the most training, little as it is. I hope that doesn't ever happen, because I'm a pilot, not a doctor! However, I plan to take my medical studies much more seriously from now on. Sam said she will, too. Still, I'd just be a medic. Even with all of the marvelous equipment we have on _Voyager_ , it wouldn't be the same without our "Schmullis." (I do wish he'd go with what Dr. Pel called him. It would be so much easier for all of us if he had a real name!)

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51368.7_

I've often wondered what it would be like to be a telepath, like Betazoids or Vulcans. How much easier might it be to get along with B'Elanna, for instance, if I really knew what she was thinking? Thanks to our experience with the Mari, I don't think that would necessarily be an advantage.

 

B'Elanna and I weren't planetside together. She was working, looking for replacement parts for ship's stores, while I was free and on shore leave. I bought this really cute bit (and I do mean a little bit) of lingerie for her and ran it up to the ship so I could give it to her for our next date, in her quarters. While B'Elanna was in the market, however, there was a violent incident. The Mari investigator told us they had eliminated violence by banning "violent thoughts." Now, B'Elanna has a temper, as I know better than anyone, but the way the Mari define "violent thoughts," I think an amoeba could be accused of it! She was arrested for "Aggravated Violent Thought Resulting in Grave Bodily Harm" because someone else who attacked a bystander supposedly had demonstrated the same memory engram pattern that B'Elanna had in her brain.

 

Turns out this peaceful, non-violent telepathic society has a very dark side. There's a black market of sorts in violent thoughts run by, among others, the guy B'Elanna was dealing with for parts. He and his buddy set up an incident so they could capture B'Elanna's miffed reaction, which did have enough of a degree of anger to titillate the telepaths who wanted something more than bland peaceful thoughts. They actually looked into her mind and stole the engram from her. And B'Elanna was the one the authorities were blaming! They were doing a mind cleanse, even though it could have resulted in brain damage for someone from a species the Mari had never had any previous experience with! Fortunately, Tuvok was able to discover the true culprits in time to prevent any real damage to B'Elanna. He let that Grand Inquisitor Nimira , or whatever her title is, learn about the black market problem so she could deal with it after we left orbit. It's going to take a lot more than passing a law to really "get rid of violent thoughts" on that planet. I wish them a lot of luck.

 

And now I have another reason to be very grateful to Tuvok. He saved me from suffering irreparable brain damage when the Baneans were punishing me for something I didn't do, and now he's saved B'Elanna from the Mari's memory wiping machine. I owe him. Someday, I hope to be able to pay him back for all the good he's done for us.

 

When I gave B'Elanna my gift tonight, I apologized. I wasn't sure she'd want it, since it would remind her of this whole violent thought thing. I was wrong. She loved that little bit of red satin nightie, because it was from me.

 

Then we had a little private celebration about her deliverance -- even if she was minus a few spare violent engrams. As she said, there's plenty more where they came from. (I'm glad I didn't buy her something breakable, because it definitely would have gotten smashed tonight.)

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51449.1_

That was a very near thing. We almost lost Neelix. Actually, we really did lose Neelix for almost an entire day. He was killed on an away mission into a nebula. I felt terrible. I'd just been tweaking him about his need to add pizza to our menu, and then he got zapped with protomatter.

 

When we got him back to the ship, Seven came in and said she thought she could resurrect him. It seems the Borg can reactivate a drone within a couple of days after death, if the neural pathways aren't damaged beyond repair; and Neelix's weren't.

 

After he woke up, he seemed okay for a while. He even finished his preparations for Prixin. I didn't think it was a good time to press him on his promise to make pizza, but the first night celebration seemed to go okay. Neelix was a little quieter than usual, but I didn't think much of it. I was a little nonplussed when I found out I'd died and turned into a lizard, too, after I was resurrected!

 

I only found out later that Neelix had had a relapse and needed more nanoprobe therapy from Seven. Then he had a crisis of confidence because he hadn't seen what he expected to see in the Talaxian afterlife when he'd died. He agreed to go on a vision quest with Chakotay, but instead of helping him, it turned him suicidal. If it wasn't for little Naomi, needing him to check to make sure no monsters were going to attack her while she slept, Neelix would have succeeded, too.

 

Neelix confided in me tonight that he's going to continue counseling sessions with Chakotay for a while, until he processes the experience. Chakotay told him that the wild visions he had on the quest (and they were wild; Neelix told me what he'd seen) weren't to be taken at face value. Neelix's own anxieties may have perverted his visions. I hope Chakotay can help him with that. I'm really fond of Neelix now. When I think about how well we get along now, it's amazing we had such a rough beginning.

 

And we made some pizza tonight! Since making cheese from scratch is _verboten_ , thanks to that incident of a few years ago when _Voyager's_ bioneural gelpacks got infected by Neelix's cheesemaking activities, we simply replicated the mozzarella and some tomato sauce. Neelix had the ingredients to make a really decent pizza crust, along with some "interesting" herbs and spices to put on top. When we'd each made our own, individually-flavored and topped pizzas and tried them, they both tasted pretty great, if I do say so myself. And Neelix agreed that the basic recipe was something he could add to the menu on a regular basis. He liked it that much.

 

Now, if I can just manage to keep him from adding too much "Delta Quadrant flair" and spices to the toppings, we'll all enjoy his meals a little more!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51475.3_

I'm still having trouble sleeping. After Chakotay overcame those aliens who sent everyone but the Doc to dreamland, I'm not the only one, either.

 

B'Elanna and I went to him about our schedules yesterday. He told us he hadn't realized he was putting us on such different schedules, we could hardly ever be together. At least, that's what he said. I'm wondering if there wasn't a little punishment involved, because of our inappropriate behavior a few months ago, when those medical-experimenting aliens upped our libidos. At least, I think they did it to us. We haven't been that out of control since. No clandestine trips to the Jeffries tubes for a quickie while on duty, or anything like that. Chakotay said he'd keep our need to have some personal time together in mind when he set up the duty rosters from now on.

 

We were able to schedule one trip, for this weekend. I was still advocating for a snow-skiing trip, but we're going to Tahiti. B'Elanna wants to be warm, so it's water skiing in the warm waters off Tahiti instead. I think we'll both enjoy ourselves. Got plans for when we're NOT waterskiing, if you get my drift, my dear Personal Log.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51487.2_

He's back! The Doc's back! And with great news from Starfleet Command, no less! Alleluia!

 

I was getting really worried that I would get turned into ol' Doc Paris for real, if he didn't get back through that Hirogen array when the captain sent him to the Alpha Quadrant. It was a very near thing. That Starfleet ship that Seven detected through the relay system turned out to have been taken over by the Romulans. Of course, our Doc (whom we now need to refer to as an EMH-1, it seems) went all heroic and saved the ship, along with the newer mode of EMH, the EMH-2).

 

But the best part is that after saving the prototype ship _Prometheus_ from the Romulans, he had enough time to contact Starfleet Command, to let them know what happened to _Voyager_ four years ago. As we suspected, the ship had been declared lost with all hands, but now all of our families will know we aren't dead after all. Sadly, the Doc was also able to provide Starfleet with the names of those who have died since we were "lost" in the Delta Quadrant. For the families of Stadi, Hogan, Bendera, and Marie Kaplan, along with too many others, the EMH-1 could only confirm what they were told 14 months ago. They really are gone. But at least now they know it for sure, and not because of an official decree.

 

It was a successful mission all around. And, thanks to my panic about becoming the chief medical officer for real and trying to get Harry to create a new EMH, the captain has authorized a project to work on a spare matrix for the Doc. He'll get to imprint his own "improved" personality on it, but it won't come into play unless his original program is irreparably damaged or lost. It will take time -- years, Harry predicts, but it seems we've got plenty of time out here to work on it.

 

At least Mom, my sisters, and Dad now know their boy isn't lost forever.

_End Personal Log_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_Personal Log Addendum_

 

Oops. Ended my log too soon. There's one way in which this mission wasn't exactly a success.

 

We found out this communications array belonged to a race we hadn't heard of before: the Hirogen. When the guy on duty at the array detected our use of it, he objected and cut off our transmission. If we hadn't been able to reestablish our connection, we would have lost the Doc on his "away mission" to the _Prometheus_. Unfortunately, the way we reestablished our connection was by Seven sending a feedback pulse to the Hirogen guy, stunning him. Knocked him out. Hopefully, she didn't kill him. If she did, the repercussions are terrible to contemplate.

 

I have a hunch we haven't heard the last of the Hirogens. I've got a bad feeling about them. I hope I'm wrong.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51500.5_

We're on our way to get messages from Starfleet! Seven detected fragments of messages coming through the Hirogen array. There do seem to be some official communications coming through, but the captain recognized that there are letters from our families, too!

 

The ship is on course towards the nearest relay station of the array. The messages seem to be clogging up there, and we hope we can get close enough to unclog them. With any luck, we won't run into any more Hirogen watchdogs for Seven to shock. It's best not to press our luck!

 

I wonder if Mom sent me a letter. I guess it's too much to hope that the old man will write me.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51505.5_

 

I really don't like being right.

 

We've heard from the Hirogen again.

 

While we were on our way to the array to try to get more messages, we found a ship floating in space with a dead alien inside. The body had been gutted, until it wasn't much more than a pile of skin with a little subdermal tissue still attached. We later found out it's the way the Hirogen like to spend their time. They hunt, and then they take trophies. Or dinner. We're not sure which. Maybe it's both.

 

We had to rescue Tuvok and Seven from their clutches just before they were going to be gutted. From what Tuvok explained in the senior staff meeting after the crisis was (more or less) over, they don't seem all that bright. They're so single-minded about this hunting and killing others, they seem oblivious to whatever they might wreck in the process -- like that marvelous, millennia-old communications array of theirs. The one they had, that is. Even though the captain warned the swarm of Hirogen ships that they were going to damage it by their actions when  they came after us, the whole system went down. Poof! No more contact with the Alpha Quadrant. No more letters from home. It makes you wonder if they were the ones that built the thing, or if they had just taken it as some sort of trophy from the original builders. Could a people who had been capable of harnessing a micro-singularity to power that vast network be so cavalier about it so that it was destroyed? It's hard to fathom.

 

Oh, about those letters from home. I didn't get one. Well, I got the heading of one, from, of all people, the admiral. B'Elanna claimed the rest of it was lost when the array went down. It's odd, I think, that Harry's letter from his parents came through after mine started to come in, but his was whole and intact and mine was lost. I hope B'Elanna isn't trying to hide bad news from my father by saying it didn't come through. I'll take it for a good letter, as B'Elanna suggested I should, since I'm sure she's not going to tell me if it wasn't.

 

Speaking of B'Elanna, she was really bummed about the news Chakotay got from their friend Sveta of the Maquis. There are no more Maquis in the Alpha Quadrant. Sveta and a few others are alive because they were incarcerated in a Federation prison when the Cardassians slaughtered the rest, with the help of some friends from the Gamma Quadrant called Dominions, or something. I hope some Maquis did escape and are in hiding. B'Elanna told me after we first came on board _Voyager_ that Ro had gone back to Bajor. I hope she's still there, and that she's got lots of buddies in hiding with her. I was part of the movement for only a very short time, but I hate to think they're all dead, except for those who were snatched away by the Caretaker along with the rest of us on _Voyager_.

 

Harry's parents never gave up hope that he was still alive, I'm glad to say. And Tuvok is a grandfather, apparently for the first time! It's good to know that someone got good news.

 

The Hirogen, I'm afraid, will turn out to be very bad news.

_End Personal Log_

 

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51563.9_

I feel pretty bad for Harry. I kept nudging him into becoming involved with an "attainable" woman, instead of lusting after our resident ex-Borg, who would rather be rude to him than give him the time of day. B'Elanna and I invited Harry and Lyndsay to accompany us when we went on a couple of Holodeck excursions, once to Puerta Vallarta (B'Elanna wanted to be warm again!) and another time to a Wild West scenario. Six guns, cattle rustlers, nasty varmints and such. We had a great time with them, and I think they had a good time, too. I guess B'Elanna may have been a little subdued in the Western program, but overall, the dates went very well.

 

And now Lyndsay Ballard is dead, killed by the Hirogen when she and Harry were on an away mission to obtain dilithium ore. The Hirogen had set a trap, using false dilithium readings as bait. They didn't gut her because Harry was able to retrieve her body, but he's a mess. B'Elanna and I have tried to comfort him, but he says he wants to be alone.

 

Lyndsay's funeral is tomorrow at 1000 hours. What else can I say? She's certainly another "unattainable woman" now. I hope Harry doesn't  . . .

 

_(clearing throat sound)_

 

Sorry. There are no more words. I need to go to B'Elanna now.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51654.3_

We ran into the Hirogen again. Going onto their ship was instructive. We've learned more about the Hirogen now, but it's not exactly comforting.

 

We ran into the Borg-designated "Species 8472" again, too. After I saw that poor creature when he was on the run on _Voyager_ , seeing the look in his eyes while he was barely clinging to life, I have to wonder if they really are as bad as Kes perceived telepathically. This lone traveler didn't seem to want to "purge our universe of all life." He just wanted to go home, to be with his people in Fluidic Space one last time before he died. I never thought I'd ever feel sympathy for the beings that almost killed Harry, but after this, I do.

 

The Hirogen culture, on the other hand, is really about murdering sentient beings. Their "prey."

 

Now, I know that humans have hunted their fellow Earth creatures for thousands of years, but until the last few centuries, it was for survival. In places like the Arctic, there wasn't much else to eat except for animals during most of the history of human settlement in those regions. Nowadays, the people who live there have alternative things to eat. They almost always replicate seal meat if they want to eat it, for instance. And, while there was cannibalistic behavior in some areas on Earth in the past, as a general rule, humans haven't targeted sentient species to eat them or take trophies from them. (I'm not talking about wartime, of course, but even then, the trophies were usually inanimate souvenirs, not body parts.)

 

If those bubbling vats on the Hirogen ship we visited contained food, I guess I can understand it to a degree. There's no evidence the Hirogen we've met have a home planet where they can grow food, if they'd even want to settle down somewhere. We didn't see any evidence of replication technology while we were on their ship. If Chakotay was right about their "denaturing" their kill, to clean off the bones for trophies, however, I have a lot more trouble with the species.

 

What bothered me the most, though, was what happened to that being from Fluidic Space who just wanted to go home to die. He (it?) was sent back to the Hirogen by one of our own crew members. Seven transported him off our ship to be slaughtered. Yes, it got those Hirogen ships off our backs -- temporarily -- but for how long? I'm afraid they'll be back, accompanied by even more of their bloodthirsty buddies than before. They must still be mad at us for the wreck of that array of theirs, even though the wrecking was basically their own fault. I have a hunch they won't see it that way.

Seven has learned to make her own decisions as an individual, that's for sure. She's also learned how to be insubordinate with the captain. To unilaterally make a decision like sending the Fluidic Space creature (should I call him a Fluidian, perhaps?) to the Hirogen was typical of her inability to empathize with anyone else. The captain has restricted her access to ship's systems for now. If I'd done something like this, or spoken to the captain the way Seven does, I'd be spending the rest of the trip to the Alpha Quadrant in the brig. The captain may be making allowances for Seven's immaturity, but I think she's going to have to put her foot down a lot harder before Seven catches on to behaving appropriately . . .

 

Wow. I'm beginning to sound like my father! Maybe I'm starting to see that some of the discipline he handed out to me really _WAS_ for my own good. Scary thought.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51722.2_

I'm exhausted from working on repairing _Voyager_ after all of the destruction from the Hirogen occupation; but since I haven't been able to make a personal log entry since before the takeover, I need to record a few thoughts -- for my own sanity, if nothing else.

 

We survived. There's a cease-fire with the Hirogen, and it looks like they may finally leave us alone, now that they have the holodeck technology their late leader wanted to obtain from us. The surviving Hirogen who occupied _Voyager_ have gone, allowing us to begin repairs on the ship. We may leave some of the holoemitters on the other decks in place, the captain says, in case we want to give the Doc access without his mobile emitter. She's not sure yet. Just clearing up the mess and rebuilding the bulkheads between the decks and corridors, not to mention Sickbay, which were blown up during the Sainte Claire battle, has been a full-time job. Getting the power shunted back to the systems which were plundered when the Hirogen wanted more and more power for their holodeck activities is another. The holodeck power system used to be separate, but thanks to the Hirogen, it isn't any more. The engineering staff has been supervising crew from every discipline to try to get things back in order, hopefully before we have another crisis and need systems such as propulsion and weapons to defend ourselves and get out of Dodge, if necessary!

 

From what their leader "Caahr" said to the captain prior to the ceasefire they announced in Sainte Claire, apparently the Hirogen _WERE_ the ones who built that communications array a thousand centuries ago. He told Captain Janeway the Hirogen were so dispersed across the quadrant, they were isolating themselves from each other and losing their way and their culture. By hunting others, they were basically hunting themselves into extinction. This Caahr thought that by providing the holodeck scenarios as a substitute, his people could gather together into groups again to rebuild their civilization, while having the ability to exercise their desire to hunt. He understood that with the holodeck safeties off, the challenge to his people would still be there.

 

The other Hirogen were not as perceptive. Not only were they careless, killing three of our crew despite the efforts of our EMH to save them, his immediate subordinate killed Caahr rather than permit the cease fire to stand. We're lucky this Turanj wasn't that great a hunter. The captain was able to outsmart him when he didn't recognize which holoemitters were functioning and which of them were not.

 

And speaking of Sainte Claire -- When the neural interfaces the Hirogen used to keep us unaware of our true identities were disabled, I woke up. I _think_ I managed to stay cool when I recognized which program was running. Thank God B'Elanna was standing with me when we came back to ourselves, and I could see she was playing Brigitte. The holocharacter I had programmed years ago (the one that had the human B'Elanna's face) was nowhere in evidence. If B'Elanna had been playing another character, and saw _MY_ Brigitte . . . I don't want to even think about what she might have done to me! A broken nose was the least I could have expected from her.

 

I don't have to worry about that happening again. The program was so damaged by the explosion, the captain told us to delete it completely from our system. The text novel is still there, but there's nothing pictorial left in the computers. I volunteered to do the holodeck character scrub. The captain complimented me on my offer to do the project by myself. If she knew why I'd volunteered, I suspect she would have handed my head to me herself, with or without B'Elanna's help! I am _NEVER_ going to program any of our crew's real faces into a holodeck simulation again without getting written authorization from the person involved. I can't go through this worry again!

 

I must admit, B'Elanna looked awfully cute as a preggers lady. I'm not ready for fatherhood yet, you understand, but maybe someday I will be. Being the head of my own "House of Paris" has a nice ring to it, don't you think, Personal Log?

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51742.7_

It's funny. We've all worked so hard at repairing the ship from what the Hirogen did to it that, now that it's in pretty good shape, I still want to repair something. I think I'm going to go to my Grease Monkey car repair program. A nice, hot, muscle car like the '69 Camaro would be a pleasure to work on right now. Something old-fashioned and mechanical from the twentieth century to do for fun, instead of high tech Starfleet-issue drudge work.

 

I doubt B'Elanna would be interested in helping me with it. I asked her if she'd like to join me in a little "vehicle repair" program a few days ago, and she just stared at me. Maybe I need some time for myself anyway. Being in a relationship with her is wonderful, most of the time, but it's stressful a lot of times, too. I need some "me" time right now, especially since her own moods have been more volatile since we ran into the Hirogen. Maybe she needs some space in order to pursue programs on her own, too. I'll ask her again, but I have a hunch she won't be interested. She hasn't been interested in doing much lately, other than meeting for meals. Maybe it's just general exhaustion. I can relate to that!

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51766.1_

I almost blew it. I can't believe I let so many important things slide the way I did, even before Steth almost ruined everything with me with B'Elanna, Seven, the captain, Chakotay, the Doc . . . well, pretty much everyone that means anything to me. Steth (or whatever his real name is, because Steth was a good guy and not the DNA-swapping shape-shifter who introduced himself to us as him) was a criminal, the ultimate Identity Thief. He literally stole your body, ruined your life, and then moved on to his next victim. I hope the Benthan authorities can unravel how many lives he's messed up, because we know of at least four, including mine.

 

That coaxial warp system drive was really interesting, though. I can't see it working on a ship as large as _Voyager_ , or at least, not any time soon. A shuttle maybe? I may tinker with it a little bit, but I'm making sure that B'Elanna is involved if I do.

 

Steth came onto her sexually. She thought it was me, so she went along. Now she says she feels like she was violated, and what can I say to that? In a way, she was. He was verbally abusive to her afterwards, too; and since it was my face and my voice that was so mean to her, I can't blame her for still being a bit standoffish with me. It's going to take time to get back in her good graces, like we were before the Hirogen encounters.

 

I've had to make up to the Doc, too. After promising myself I was going to take my medical studies more seriously, I slacked off again. I can't blame that all on Steth. It was mainly my own doing, although he certainly didn't help me out there. I was sloughing off before we met him. I'm going to buckle down again. I have to. Who knows what's going to happen next? If we can run into shape-shifting, body stealing aliens out here, anything can happen.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51781.2_

Years ago, I heard some whispers about a molecule -- that is, a certain letter of the Greek alphabet -- when my father was talking to one of the other admirals. As soon as they realized I could hear them, they clammed up. I never knew anything more about it than that, until now.

 

Because of some anomalous readings, however, the captain was forced to let us in on the secret. Seven claims the Borg see this molecule as "perfection." Alien researchers were trying to harness it to use as an almost unlimited source of power. By Starfleet directive, the captain was ordered to destroy the molecules wherever they were found. The captain followed the Starfleet directive, even though it would make us enemies of the researchers and their people. She knew that a past accident had killed many Federation researchers and wrecked an area of subspace in the Alpha Quadrant, where use of a warp drive is now impossible. An unchecked "Greek alphabet molecule" reaction could make space travel itself a thing of the past. We might just as well find a nice planet (in the very near vicinity, 'cause we couldn't get very far) and settle down, because we'd never get home then.

 

Seven was sure she had managed to stabilize the . . . that she had seen the perfection that the Borg had predicted, just before it was destroyed by the captain. I don't know if she did or not, but the stuff seems way too dangerous to me to ever use safely. As a Field Medic, I was sent down to deal with the casualties at the alien research station. Not many of them survived long enough for me to get down there to treat them, although a few did. Their injuries were terrible. I was glad I had studied up on my radiation treatment protocols, because I sure needed it down there.

 

I'm sorry I can't be more specific here, even in my own Personal Log, but I'm not even supposed to know as much as I do. The captain was careful to let only the senior staff know about this, on a need-to-know basis, and that's only because she needed our help in dealing with the crisis. She couldn't call in an emergency team from Starfleet to save the day out here in the Delta Quadrant. Seven only knew about it because she already had knowledge of the "Greek alphabet thing." The Borg had assimilated captains and admirals at Wolf 359; what the Borg assimilated prior to Seven's severance from the Collective, Seven also knows.

 

Speaking of Seven: she has to learn she can't have her own way all the time. I'm glad the captain really "put her foot down" this time with Seven. Unfortunately, when Seven was ordering the staff placed under her direction during the crisis into a little Collective team (complete with Borg designations like "Two of Ten" – which is what she called Harry after demoting him!), Chakotay apparently thought of it as a joke. I'm surprised at Chakotay's reaction. I thought Seven was being obnoxious to Harry. I hope this means he is really over his crush on her now. It would certainly be enough to turn _ME_ off her for good!  


Maybe I'm being too hard on Seven. After all, she did provide the aliens, who were justifiably upset by the destruction of the molecules of their "Greek alphabet thing," with a viable substitute. These Yterians knew about the possibility of using thorium power for their technology, but they'd stopped pursuing it when this other molecule's possibilities intrigued them. When the Caatati were holding up _Voyager_ , that time B'Elanna and I were about to die in space on the Day of Honor, Seven provided them with the schematics and a sample device so that they could make their own thorium isotopes. That's the only reason _Voyager_ got back to us in time to save our lives. Since the Yterians knew about thorium as a possible energy source, Seven gave them a bit of a push in the right direction (okay, she gave them a _BIG_ push) by providing them with a way to mass produce the devices they needed to harness this form of energy. The Yterians were desperate. They needed something to power their civilization. When we destroyed that "Greek alphabet thing" on them, we owed them compensation. Under the circumstances, giving them Seven's device wasn't really a violation of the Prime Directive, right?

 

I don't care if it _WAS_ a Prime Directive violation. We owed them. And they were willing to let us go on our way after we returned their scientists to them. It could have turned into a worse mess than the Hirogen left us with. Instead, once they understood how dangerous this other technology would have been for them to develop, we parted on good terms. Out here, that's about the best we can hope for, most of the time.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51826.8_

Right about now I think the captain may be a little sorry about giving up on a certain energy source several weeks ago, dangerous or not. We sure could use it now. We wouldn't mind converting over to a thorium isotope power source, if we had enough time to do the switch before we're hanging dead in space. Unfortunately, we don't have it. Time to switch, that is.

 

The fuel we use to power _Voyager_ is derived from deuterium. We were getting a little low on it anyway, but for some reason, we used far more than we can account for over the past few days. It's like everyone's memory was wiped. We can't remember how we consumed so much energy in so short a time. Even though we've been trying very hard to locate a source nearby, we haven't been able to locate one. Energy conservation measures have been imposed, but if we can't obtain more deuterium soon, we'll be forced into "Gray mode." And if we can't find it soon after that, _Voyager_ may turn into a floating coffin. Without power, life support will fail. Any hope of getting home or even to a safe planet to settle on will be lost. The planetary systems in this region don't seem to have any habitable planets we can get to with the amount of fuel we have left.

 

I'm trying very hard to stay positive, for B'Elanna's sake as well as mine. She's been in a fey mood a lot of the time lately. One good thing: neither one of us can hide out on the holodecks, doing God knows what. They've been shut down for the duration. Thanks to the Hirogen, we no longer have a separate power supply for the holodeck system.

 

Soon, there may not even be enough energy for me to talk to you any more, Personal Log.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51836.3_

We're going on "Gray Mode." This is the last personal entry I'll be able to make for the duration, so I'm keeping it very, very short. From here on in, until we find more deuterium, we can only record official logs. So, I hope this isn't really the final . . .

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51844.7_

I can only record what happened on the Class Y "Demon" planet because others told me what happened. I do recall the beginning of it, but after Harry and I got down to the surface, things got really weird.

 

 _Voyager_ almost became that floating coffin I'd alluded to in a previous entry. We shut off power to all but the essential decks and systems. Eventually, the entire crew had to bunk down in the mess hall when they weren't on duty (other than a handful of people hanging out with the Doc in Sickbay, but that's a story Neelix will undoubtedly be recording in his own logs).

 

I guess this time we all have to thank Seven for ignoring orders. She was working in Astrometrics, trying to find a deuterium source, even after she was told to shut down the system. She argued that she needed to keep looking until the last possible minute because the usual sensors we handle from the bridge would be limited in Gray Mode. And at almost the last second, she did find us a possible source.

 

Class Y planets are called "Demon Planets" for a reason. The environment on those planets means death for any beings with our metabolism who try to go there unprotected. Even when protected by environmental suits that can keep us alive in space, we can't last long. I'm pretty lucky to be here and dictating this log right now.

 

Harry and I went down to Demon, as we've now dubbed the planet, to get samples and find out where the deuterium was located. We found good sources very quickly, dissolved in a silvery liquid pooled on the floor of caves. In liquid form, it would be very easy to obtain a large supply quickly. That was important, given _Voyager's_ grave energy situation. Harry started to take a sample while I did a little reconnaissance in the immediate area. When I returned to where I'd left Harry, he wasn't anywhere in sight. I realized he'd fallen into the pool somehow, so I pulled him out and tried to drag him back to our shuttle. I remember our environmental suits sprang some leaks. From that point on, I knew nothing until much later, when I woke up in Sickbay.

 

The Doctor, B'Elanna, and the captain filled us in on what happened afterwards. When we didn't check in with the captain when we were supposed, she decided to set _Voyager_ down on the planet's surface to find us. I'm kind of glad I didn't know at the time that Chakotay was driving. You know the sort of record he has piloting shuttles. He still holds _Voyager's_ record for most shuttles lost or damaged while he's driving, but this time, he did a -- I was going to say a "bang up job," but I'll just call it "commendable," if you don't mind.

 

Since Chakotay refused to bring B'Elanna with him when he went off the ship to try to find us, B'Elanna asked him to take _SEVEN (!)_ with him because Seven has a "cool" head. He did, and they found "me" walking around without an environmental suit, breathing the toxic air, without a care in the world. They were shocked, but they were also glad to find me alive. Harry was also walking happily around without his suit. But when we were transported onto _Voyager_ , we both choked on regular ship's air. We had to be transported to Sickbay and surrounded with a force field, with air transported from Demon's atmosphere inside, in order to breathe.

 

The captain and B'Elanna investigated a sample of the silver liquid from the pool in the cave. When B'Elanna accidentally touched the silver fluid with her finger, an exact duplicate finger suddenly grew out of the sample. Any part of the body the substance touched would be duplicated. The Harry and Tom in Sickbay turned out to be our duplicates, made by this substance they dubbed "Silver Blood." Chakotay and Seven went back out to the planet's surface with the duplicate Harry and found the real Harry and me. Fortunately, back-up systems in our suits functioned, even though we lost consciousness, and we were saved in the nick of time.

 

The duplicate Harry and Tom stayed behind on Demon, of course. They couldn't survive on _Voyager_ because of their new physiology. And they've got company down there.

 

It seems this Silver Blood has a sort of proto-consciousness. Once it recognized sentience in the form of Harry and me walking around on the planet, it wanted it on Demon, too. Don't ask me how all of this is possible. It's just another too-amazing-to-believe-but-really-true thing we've encountered out here in the Delta Quadrant. The duplicate Harry and Tom wanted company, and they got it. Everyone on board _Voyager_ agreed to be duplicated -- Sam Wildman even agreed to let Naomi be recreated on Demon. From B'Elanna's experience with the duplicated finger, it was apparent that all this Silver Blood needed to create a new being in imitation of the old one was a DNA sample. In return, we were able to replenish our deuterium supplies. Our tanks are full to the very brim, so we're on our way again.

 

While Harry and I were recovering in Sickbay from our toxic breathing episode, the captain came to see us. When we asked her how this all was possible, she reminded Harry of something she told him when he first came on board the ship -- not on DS9, but when he came from an alternate dimension, carrying little Naomi with him. This was back in our second year in the Delta Quadrant, when we met up with the duplicate _Voyager_ that the Vidiians blew up (which killed hundreds of Vidiians, too). Yes, this is not the first time our Harry and Naomi have been duplicated. The captain told Harry then that in Starfleet, "Weird is part of the job." And this, she explained, is just another example of that truism.

 

After she left us, Harry and I talked about what had happened on Demon, as well as him being a duplicate of the Harry I knew. It never mattered to us. He had the same memories, remembered meeting me on DS9, etc., so, essentially, he's always been the same Harry Kim to me. But I suggested that if one set of duplicates could be made of our crew, this Silver Blood could easily make another set. Or even a dozen sets of duplicates. If experiencing sentience is important, than why not expand the possibilities?  The Doc chimed in (as he almost always does) that there's no reason to assume the planet _wouldn't_ make extra copies of us. Who knows? _Voyager_ itself touched down on the planet and was caught in a pool of that Silver Blood. Could the planet be capable of duplicating _Voyager_ itself? Maybe send out its own set of explorers into the universe to expand its horizons even more?

 

Harry and I laughed. I told the Doc he was letting his imagination run away with him.

 

But now that I'm lying here in my own bed, in my own quarters, and all alone because B'Elanna is on duty, I'm starting to wonder if the Doc might not be on to something.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51936.6_

 

This is the first chance I've had to make a log entry of any kind in quite a while. I've been in stasis for more than a month while we traveled through that Mutara class nebula!

 

Not that I didn't go walkabout a few times, according to the Doc. Hey, I don't like being in small, enclosed spaces. I'm okay in a shuttle, or working in a Jeffries tube, but stasis chambers remind me too much of coffins. They freak me out!

 

Now that we're out of the nebula, I'm grateful to the Doc and to Seven for getting us through. I'm sorry for Ensign Hadley, though. He was burned to death by radiation poisoning when we went inside the nebula, right at the beginning. That's why we knew we had to go into stasis chambers if we were going to journey through it safely. Even the Doc and Seven had some problems during the trip, despite their unique advantages. The Doc was stuck in Sickbay for a good part of the time because his mobile emitter wasn't immune to radiation damage. Seven suffered from hallucinations when some of her Borg implants were affected. It's a good thing that nebula wasn't any larger, or we would never have survived.

 

I hope we don't have to go through anything like that again any time soon.

 

_End Personal Log_

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51979.2_

 

This might be good. An alien named Arturis has come on board. His people are gifted with an extraordinary ability to understand languages -- any language, it seems. The captain has asked him to help her decode that message from Starfleet we received from the Hirogen array five months ago. There's a huge chunk of data we haven't been able to decrypt, even though most of the senior staff has tried to help out with it. Maybe this Arturis will be able to tease it out.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51982.6_

 

He's done it! Thanks to Arturis and his ability to untangle the message from Starfleet, we're on our way to a Starfleet vessel that can't have taken more than a few months to travel 60,000 light years from the Alpha Quadrant. It everything checks out, we may be home in less than 6 months.

 

I've tried to keep up my smiling, Lieutenant Paris persona, but it's tough. I keep thinking that I'm liable to end up back in Auckland as soon as we fly into Sector 001. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that B'Elanna, and the rest of the Maquis, might be keeping me company. It wouldn't be fair, after everything we've gone through out here, but it's a distinct possibility.

 

Maybe I'm worrying for nothing. After being lost for almost four years, maybe Starfleet and the Federation will say, "all is forgiven."

 

I wish I really believed that.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 51993.1_

 

I was worrying for nothing. No brass bands welcoming us back, or returns to prison, are in the offing.

 

Arturis was a con artist, and a vengeful one at that. Apparently his people were decimated by the Borg because we sent Species 8472, or the Fluidians, as I prefer to call them, back to where they belonged. Hey, the Borg were the ones who invaded their realm. How does Arturis figure out we're responsible for what happened when they went back home to Fluidic space? He did blame us, though. This " _Dauntless_ " was a set-up, designed to send everyone on _Voyager_ to Borg space to be assimilated. It's significant, I think, that even Seven wasn't looking forward to that possibility.

 

It didn't happen. We figured out it was too good to be true and rescued the captain and Seven from _Dauntless_ as Arturis was heading into Borg space. He didn't seem to mind being assimilated himself, as he surely would be, if he succeeded in screwing us by his actions. And he was almost certainly assimilated. He'd sabotaged his own navigation system, so he was headed right into Borgland without any means of turning away to save himself.

 

One plus: when we were going over his ship, before we knew it was a con, we learned a lot about its propulsion system. It's a form of slipstream drive technology, which was still in the theoretical stage back home, before we left the Alpha Quadrant. From the last part of the message we finally decrypted, the one that tipped us off that _Dauntless_ was a con, it's probably still a long way from perfected in the Federation even now. We have the specs for the drive on the _Dauntless_ now, however. In fact, we rode the slipstream away from that ship for about an hour before we had to shut down the drive to prevent it from destroying _Voyager_. We'll have to do a lot more research on ways to strengthen _Voyager's_ structural integrity before trying to use that drive again ourselves.

 

While we were on that wild slipstream ride, we traveled about 300 light years closer to home. That was another plus. The down side: when we came out of the slipstream, we saw this huge black nebula, or whatever it is, right in our way. It's even bigger than the Mutara-type nebula we just traveled through. I hope there isn't any nasty radiation in it. Going around it, from what we've been able to see through the Astrometrics sensors, would take years. So the time we made up with the slipstream drive may be lost by trying to travel around this area of nothingness.

 

What is it about the Delta Quadrant? Every time we think we're getting ahead, we seem to be blocked or pushed back in some other way. It's always something in the Delta Quadrant.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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	5. Year Five

YEAR FIVE

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52002.2

We're on our way again after a short stop for supplies at a system on the edge of this big blank area of space, without a star system to be seen for many light years. Maybe I should convert distances into "parsecs" in this case, because using "light years" is a bad joke when there isn't a hint of light. They tell us it's not a dark nebula. There are particles of dust or something that absorb any light that tries to shine into this vast, empty area. After we've traveled inside for a few hours, we won't be able to see anything behind us, either. Apparently there's a fair amount of theta radiation absorbing the light that would otherwise shine in from far-off stars. The locals call it "The Void."

Some brave souls who have ventured into this Void for a short way claim there are pockets of radiation that are even denser than they've detected around the perimeter. No one can explain why there's so much of it. Having just gone through that Mutara-type nebula, I don't find a journey through dense clouds of radiation very comforting. The captain insists we have to go through it, because at minimum it would take us several years to go around this Void. Even taking a straight heading through its narrowest point will take us over two years. 

The commander ordered us to conserve energy as much as possible, even though we obtained extra portable units to store deuterium. We're as "gassed up" as we can possibly be. B'Elanna and Seven have calculated we'll manage to get through using the resources we have on hand, as long as nothing draws Voyager off course. We also stocked up with as many raw materials as we could store. Hey, we might finally get a chance to build that advanced model shuttle we've rattled on about off and on, ever since we were prisoners on the Voth city ship. If we can't see anyone in there, it's likely no one will be able to see us in there, either. Should be a quiet two years. More than two years. (audible sigh)

It would be nice to spend more time with B'Elanna. Much as I love romping and making love, love, love Klingon-style, I wouldn't mind talking a little every now and then. She hasn't been half as chatty as she used to be. I think I might even appreciate an old-fashioned, air-clearing argument every now and then. Liven things up. I thought she'd be over her avoidance of me after that Steth incident by now, but I guess she still needs more time. Maybe we'll get the chance to work that out once we're chugging along inside this Void.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52065.4

My new Captain Proton holodeck program is such fun. I found these twentieth century 2-D movie sci-fi serials in our database and realized they'd be perfect for adapting into holodeck programs. This is what the people back in the early 1930's thought space travel would be like! There's a ton of chapters, too, so we won't get bored soon playing the roles. Harry loves being Buster Kincaid. He's the perfect wingman for Captain Proton, Spaceman First Class, Protector of Earth and Scourge of Intergalactic Evil (me, of course). Megan and Jenny Delaney have already signed on to play the Twin Mistresses of Evil. I tried to get B'Elanna to join in, too. There's a great part for her as Queen of the Spider People, but she thought it was all too silly and didn't want to do it. Her loss.

After trekking through the Void for over a month, finding things to do that aren't boring is getting to be a challenge. B'Elanna and I play durotta sometimes, but she falls for the Novokavich Gambit just about every time I use it. That's getting to be a bit boring. Actually, she prefers Klingon lovemaking even more now than she did a month ago. It was kind of exotic and thrilling the first time she pulled out the pain sticks. Now that's a big bore, too. I don't want to hurt her! Biting, throwing heavy objects, and breaking clavicles are part of the culture, I know; but I hadn't seen much about using pain sticks as an aid to love making in my research. It's never mentioned in "Women Warriors at the River of Blood." I go along with her sometimes, because that's what people in a relationship do. I'd like to have my way sometimes, though. Just cool it every now and then. Gentle kisses and caresses can be very appealing, too. Variety is the spice of life, right? In his void we're sure not getting any variety from the scenery! It would be nice to get it from lovemaking occasionally.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52079.9

Bo-o-o-o-o-r-r-r-r-i-i-n-n-n-g-g-g! 

I don't know how I'm going to be able to stand two more years of this . . . this nothingness. Piloting through the Void is so dull. Basically, I'm a human autopilot at the helm. There is absolutely NOTHING to see. The only reason we know the ship is moving is that our instruments tell us we are. If the instruments ever go on the blink, we're totally screwed.

It doesn't help that we haven't seen Captain Janeway in weeks. Chakotay has run every single senior staff meeting since the first week we entered the Void. The captain never seems to leave her quarters. If she wants a home-cooked meal a la Neelix, I understand he delivers it to her. Chakotay reports to her routinely, but that's it. There are many rumors going around the ship the captain's going off the deep end. Maybe that's understandable. She doesn't have anything to do except dwell on things. I have to keep busy with things like sci-fi serial holodeck programs to keep myself from obsessing over my past bad-boy behavior. Rumor-mongering thrives in this sort of environment, doesn't it? There isn't much else to pique our interest.

I must say that Chakotay has been doing a good job holding things together in her absence. Really, he shouldn't have to do it all alone. It would be so much better if they leaned on each other's shoulders. They don't have to do it in a sexual way. If they still want to hold to those ridiculous protocols that Captain and First Officer can never fool around, that's up to them. Everyone knows that some captains and their senior officers do, when they're not even in such a unique situation as we are! If they just had a friendly dinner in the mess hall with the rest of us every now, it would be great for everyone's morale. 

Maybe B'Elanna would show a little more enthusiasm for being with me if they set a better example for us. She barely speaks to me lately, unless it's about work. And there hasn't been that much work to occupy us, other than routine maintenance stuff. Boring, boring, boring!

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52088.1

We're out of the Void, two whole years before schedule!

It's hard to say "thanks" to the Malon garbage man, who trucked all that theta radiation into the Void and poisoned a huge region of space with toxic waste. I get it. He made tons of money with minimal expense by dumping such dangerous stuff in there, but he knew the area was inhabited! Even when the captain offered to show him a way to clean up the mess on his home world by sharing our methods of detoxifying waste, he wasn't interested. His profit margin would be cut! His business might be ruined! Never mind that he might have made a ton more money if he opened a new type of salvage company – one that didn't murder the aliens living in the Void. 

His profit margin was permanently extinguished when his ship exploded, with him on it. Our crew worked with those -- I guess I can call them creatures of the Night without insulting them, since that's literally what they are. Would Night People be any more acceptable? Whatever. At least now there's a chance they'll find a way to cure themselves of theta radiation poisoning, since no more is being dumped on them. When the Vortex that Emck the immoral Malon garbage man was destroyed, that area of the Void is off limits to all the Malon, probably forever. 

And I got a chance to "ride the wave" out of the Void. I didn't get the chance to break out my Big Daddy-O Surf Special Hawaiian shirt before guiding Voyager on the shockwave through that Vortex, but that's okay. When we burst into a region glistening with thousands of star systems, it was, quite literally, going from Night into Day.

Even Seven seemed to appreciate Harry's attempt at waxing poetic when we saw that beautiful star show for the first time. And from her Bridge Engineering station, B'Elanna smiled at me for the first time in what seemed like years. I hope everything goes better for us now. For all of us. We deserve it!

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52101.8

A remarkable life ended today. The Borg son of Seven and Mulcahey -- and I guess I have to add, of the Doc's mobile emitter -- realized his danger to the crew just by being alive, thanks to the 29th century technology of the emitter melding with 24th century Borg nanoprobes. "One" might have been less than a week old, but he was a smart guy. He knew the Borg would never rest until they'd assimilated him in order to snatch his advanced technology. Voyager and her crew would have been a mere appetizer to the Borg, or maybe ight dessert. Our resistance would certainly have been futile.

I thought Kes wasn't with us long enough. "One" never had a chance to grow out of infancy. It seems to have affected Seven. It's her first experience acting as mother to a toddler. A big honking, adult-looking toddler, maybe, but emotionally, that's what he was. People say that women understand their own mothers better once they become mothers themselves. I hope that's true. It would be nice if Seven could finally appreciate what the captain has tried to do for her since she came to Voyager. Maybe stop butting heads with Captain Janeway all the time.

I'm off on a tangent here, and I really don't want to do that. I want to pay tribute to "One," whose funeral was held this morning. We shot his photon casing burial casket into that newborn nebula. It was born almost at the same time as he was. In fact, that nebula was instrumental in his creation. 

When our away team was rescued from that nebula just before it tore all of us apart, the transporter malfunctioned just enough to set everything in motion for "One" to be . . . conceived, I guess I'd have to call it. Blend Doc's mobile emitter with a few of Seven's Borg nanoprobes, have Ensign Mulcahey walk into the lab where the emitter was sitting, and presto! A Borg maturation chamber with one baby Borg inside, appearing like magic and growing to adulthood in little more than a day. "One's" birth may have been accidental, but it could have been a wonderful life for him, if only his existence could have been hidden from the rest of the Borg. It's sad it couldn't be. 

Under the circumstances, I think it's fitting his remains stay inside it forever. Rest in peace, "One."

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52103.1

B'Elanna and I were at each other's throats again today. I've tried to hold my tongue when she flies off the handle at me, but she's been doing it more and more lately. "Control the snark, Mr. Paris," the Doc is always advising me when I moan about it in Sickbay. Maybe he's right, and I AM blind to something I'm doing that's setting her off. I know I'm not perfect. I never will be. But I love her with all my heart. It's killing me to see her so unhappy all the time. Something is definitely wrong here, and I don't have a clue about how to fix it. She won't let me.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52114.9

I can't believe I didn't notice. How could I have missed that she was hurting herself?

I think the captain and Chakotay suspected ME of causing those injuries to B'Elanna when they first asked me about it. I swore I didn't. And I certainly didn't know she's been healing serious injuries by herself, with dermal- and osteo-regenerators she'd "liberated" from ship's stores. 

I did feel guilty about going along with her desire to use pain sticks when we were having sex. It didn't feel right, even for Klingons, you know? I insisted we give them up entirely weeks ago, long before we got out of the Void. It gave me the creeps to be doing the S and M thing all the time. I'm sure I never broke any of her bones, ever, even when we were having rough sex. It still upset me when I learned of the injuries.

When Chakotay investigated B'Elanna's holodeck use and saw she was leaving the safeties off when she was running potentially lethal programs, he saw I was never in there with her. I'm kicking myself. I should have put it all together, how she was in a bad mood so often. How she never wanted to come with me to do innocent, fun programs like Captain Proton and only wanted to use her holodeck time alone.

Chakotay said he's going to talk to her. I know he's her oldest friend on board the ship, but I'm her lover. I should be there, too, but he wants to do the first confrontation alone, just the two of them. He says he has a hunch about why she's doing this. Something about the timing, the age of the injuries the Doc found, and when she started visiting this programs. I guess it's best to let him. I told him I would confront her about it, too, but only after he's talked to her, as long as he thinks it won't set her off again. He told me he thought that was a wise thing to do.

Wisdom. What a slippery concept that is proving to be. I seem to take a step forward and two back whenever I have to show some. I hope I learn my lesson someday. I hope it's soon, too, so I can help B'Elanna get over whatever is causing this self-destructive behavior. We need to face our demons together. God knows, between the two of us, we have plenty of them to deal with.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52116.7

I'm so thankful we were able to retrieve Tuvok's multispatial probe before the Malon did. If B'Elanna hadn't been with us, we might have lost the Delta Flyer, too, and on its first mission. If there's one thing B'Elanna does well, it's finding ways to transform random pieces of equipment into a device that works in a whole new way. The auxiliary shield she whipped up kept the Delta Flyer in one piece long enough for us to complete our assignment and get back home to Voyager before the new shuttle split apart. Now, hopefully, our team will find a more permanent solution to that microfracture problem. Even with the problems on the mission, we can already see the Delta Flyer is sturdier than the Type-2 shuttles we've been using. Ensign "Mom" Myers was ecstatic. She's already pressing for us to build a Delta Flyer 2!

B'Elanna and I finally talked tonight. She apologized for transforming our Day of Honor program into a Cardassian torture chamber without talking it over with me first. If I'd ever seen her changes, I would have known something was wrong and could have stopped her weeks ago. If only I'd tried to check out that program again, even once, instead of burying myself in the Adventures of Captain Program! I would have found out so much sooner. Maybe she wouldn't have fallen so far into the clinical depression the Doc says she's been in. I have to agree with his diagnosis. (I think the captain agrees as well. You can't tell me Captain Janeway wasn't clinically depressed while we were traveling through the Void, not that I'd ever have the chutzpah to say so to her face.)

I promised B'Elanna I'd work with her, comfort her. Talk things over. Maybe I never knew most of the Maquis who were slaughtered by the Cardies the way she did, but I can certainly listen to her talk about them. We can get through this. 

When I told her I loved her, she said she didn't know why I still could when she'd shut me out like that. She admitted that even working on the Delta Flyer project hadn't brought her any pleasure until today, when she'd been able to come up with her auxiliary shield solution. I told her it doesn't matter now. We'll continue working on the Flyer, perfecting it together. And we'll continue working on our problems together. 

I told her again that I love her. I even apologized for not saying it to her more often. Then she asked me why I almost never said, "I love you, B'Elanna," when I showed her in so many other ways that I really did. I'm glad she understood I HAVE been saying that I loved her, just in my own way. 

And then I "fessed up" to her. When I was cast adrift after Caldik Prime, I drank myself into a stupor on any night I couldn't find someone to sleep with. Often, I'd say those words to a woman I didn't care anything about as a way to get the woman into my bed for a little while, to try to banish the images of the ones who had died from my mind's eye by having sex. Over time, saying the words, "I love you," lost meaning for me. Now that I'm in a relationship with a woman I really love, saying those words somehow feels tawdry. Like I don't really mean it when I say them to her, either -- even though I do love her so very much. 

We realized we had this in common: we know from direct experience how lousy self-destructive behavior feels, and that once it starts, it's hard to stop. Depression is an insidious condition. Hiding it from those you love simply makes it worse. We promised each other not to hide feelings like this from each other from now on. It's the only way we can help each other get over them when we start feeling that way.

I said, "B'Elanna, I love you," again; and I told her I'd keep on saying it to her every night, until the memory of all those other times, when I didn't mean those words, lost its power over me. She said she understood. She told me she loves me, too. And I believe her.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52137.6

When is an enemy not an enemy? When it turns out you have a mutual enemy, that's when. 

The Fludians (from Fluidic Space, the ones the Borg dubbed "Species 8472" and I call Fluidians because I think it sounds better) might not be such bad folks after all. They're a bit touchy, of course. Can't say I blame them, after the Borg invaded their "realm" and tried to assimilate them. Makes us a bit touchy, too, doesn't it?

It was really nice that they offered us shore leave. Not in Fluidic Space, of course, but on a space station in the Delta Quadrant they'd rigged up to look like Starfleet Headquarters in San Francisco. Chakotay said it even smelled like San Francisco, with salty air and a touch of the organic decay you get in bays, no matter how clean the waters are. And good ol' Boothby even made an appearance. Not the real one, naturally. This Fluidian wore Boothby like a Halloween costume. What's scary is that they know so much about the Alpha Quadrant, they even had replicated books from the 21st century. Study materials, you see. Research for the Fluidians' training program on infiltrating Starfleet Command and who knows what else.

How did they get this knowledge? Some sort of special telescope that can peek in from Fluidic Space? Do they have their people on reconnaissance there that have already reported in? This Boothby claimed they have a dozen more stations like this scattered around our "realm." Hope Boothby gets them the memo that we would prefer to be friends and have no plans at all to invade Fluidic Space ourselves!

Harry wasn't too happy about the situation. As he said when we were waiting on the Flyer for Chakotay and Tuvok to request a beam out, the last time Harry'd met up with one of them, they were digesting him from the inside out. Being devoured from within while totally conscious would tend to put one off from becoming buddies with someone, I suppose.

He might not have been so nervous if Harry had gotten the opportunity to see the Fluidian I saw a few months ago. The one who was being chased by the Hirogen Alpha hunter. If Harry had, I think he might have a more open mind about the species. I had the chance to see a being who knew he was about to die. All he wanted was to get home to be with his friends at the end of his life. He may have fought us, but he had a chance to kill some of the crew and didn't. He was only trying to defend himself. Maybe he didn't look human, but I'd say he was acting human.

Chakotay told us the Fluidians were impersonating Vulcans, Bolians, Ferengi, Terrellians, and a few other species, in addition to humans, and all in training to infiltrate the Alpha Quadrant. The impersonators had to take regular shots to preserve the illusion that they were whom they claimed to be, and sometimes, the shots weren't all that effective. Chakotay said that when he first met "Valerie Archer" in the bar, she told him their mantra was, "Act human, think human, be human." In fact, when they take on the guise of a human, they have to live like humans, too: eating, drinking, sleeping, breathing air, and, I suppose, performing all the basic bodily functions of a human (or of any other of the races they had on the station). I didn't ask Chakotay what sort of bodily functions he had to exercise when he was on his date with this "Valerie Archer." I heard he enjoyed a "good bye kiss" with her, though. (Hey, if the captain is going to keep him at arm's length, why shouldn't Chakotay have a little fun on a "diplomatic mission?")

Seriously, when I consider the powerful body structure of Fluidians, not to mention the fact that their technology was beating the Borg when we first encountered them, I think it's significant they were making any effort at all to understand us rather than just blindly attacking us. The Admiral Bullock impersonator wanted to do just that. The Boothby impersonator, who was apparently the boss of everyone on the place, even the admirals, was at least willing to listen to Chakotay and Captain Janeway. He was a pretty belligerent guy -- he even tried to boss around the captain! Still, he could have ordered an invasion first and checked us out later, after beating us to a pulp. Maybe even digesting the entire Alpha Quadrant.

The station is going to be abandoned, at least for now. The Fluidians are going back to their own realm to present the information they learned about us to the Powers That Be of Fluidic Space. I hope this visit to their station will turn out to be a more successful First Contact mission than when we went into their space, under false pretenses, of course, since the Borg somehow forgot to mention they'd attacked them first. "Boothby" offered us shore leave for a day on their station before they left, which I did think was nice. I would have liked to have seen it in person, but Harry and I were stuck in orbit in the Delta Flyer while Chakotay and Tuvok went down there with the captain. She had to decline because we needed to "hit the road" to get back home to the Alpha Quadrant. 

I'm sure she never told them that our version of the quantum slipstream drive is almost ready to go. If it works, we might be home in a few months, and that would be all to the good. As far as we know, Starfleet Command knows little, if anything, about Fluidic Space and its inhabitants. The Doc said he had no time to inform Starfleet Command about them during his short stay on the Prometheus. The array went down before Captain Janeway had a chance to send any logs home about them. Unless we get there quickly, the first time Starfleet would know anything about the Fluidians would be if they attacked the Alpha Quadrant. That's if things don't go well when Boothby and the others report to their superiors. We've got even more motivation to get home quickly now, in addition to the desire to see our families again.

I hope things DO go well, though. Chakotay said that from what he saw of them, the Fluidians might be kind of likable, once we get a chance to really get to know them. Maybe "Valerie Archer" turned his head just a little!

There's one thing I'm curious about. The Fluidians impersonated Boothby and Admiral Bullock. Both are real people who live in the Alpha Quadrant. I know because I've met them. I wonder if a Commander Valerie Archer really exists? And if she does, I wonder if she's related to Captain Jonathan Archer, captain of the first USS Enterprise? Archer told Chakotay she was a "Starfleet brat." Wouldn't surprise me a bit if she's from that family. I would have liked to have met her and compared notes to find out how good their research really is. After all, I have first-hand knowledge about Starfleet brats, having been one myself.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52143.8

Oh, well. Back to the drawing board. And back to finding more benamite, if we can. It's so rare. Gallicite is abundant in comparison!

I'm glad I pushed the captain into having a fail-safe for the test. B'Elanna and her staff had completed exhaustive tests and research into the quantum slipstream drive from an engineering standpoint, but as far as I know, nobody had done them from the helmsman's point of view. In the back of my mind, I guess I still had doubts because of what happened to us when that test of transwarp ended so disastrously. When I'd expressed some doubts about staying on course in a transwarp corridor to Seven, she assured me she could do it for us. That time, the warp core went bad before we really could get started. When Arturis pulled his con with the Dauntless, the existing slipstream tunnel from Arturis' ship probably helped Voyager's tunnel to form correctly. We had no trouble staying within the slipstream then, but it was like the course was already laid in for us. 

Despite the efforts of B'Elanna's crew, there's no doubt our version of the quantum drive was cruder. I'm not surprised the holodeck simulations I did indicated we'd have problems navigating within the tunnel. Even with Chakotay and Harry in the Delta Flyer ahead of us, they couldn't get the course corrections to me at the helm quickly enough for the test to be a success. We're lucky the slipstream was shut down so quickly, and I was able to steer us into clear space without losing control of the ship.

There's a reason only the best and brightest work at Utopia Planitia, designing and building starships. We've got some brilliant people on Voyager, B'Elanna especially, but it's simply not the same thing. Maybe if we had a dozen B'Elannas and Sevens, we could get one of those exotic drives working right. If nothing else, we did shave several years off our trip, even in the short time we had in the slipstream before it all went bad.

It's disappointing, but it could have been worse. We might have lost our warp core again. Maybe we would have run into some Caatati who would have made us bargain with them again in order to get it back.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52155.4

The past couple of weeks have been simply horrible. I haven't spent much time with you, Personal Log, but I do have an excuse. I've been very busy. In fact, for the first week, I was on the Delta Flyer with Tuvok and Sam Wildman. Our away mission was going great until we were buffeted by a series of ion storms on our return to Voyager. The Flyer was damaged; we crashed onto a planetoid; and the shuttle was buried under tons of rock. Tuvok and I came out of the crash with little more than a few bruises, but Sam was severely injured. 

With the equipment available to me on the shuttle, the best I could do for Sam was give her first aid and help her deal with her pain. What she needed was surgery, which I couldn't do there. Sam's condition was not helped by her concern for her daughter. Whenever Sam goes on an away mission, she checks in with Naomi every evening over the com to do motherly stuff like check on schoolwork and share how their days went. Sam also feels she must touch bases with Neelix, Naomi's godfather, who cares for Naomi whenever Sam is away. Once we were stuck underground, we couldn't get any com signals out to Voyager. As if that wasn't enough, our oxygen began to run critically low. We were rescued just as the last of our air was running out. It was so bad, we'd recorded final messages to our loved ones. We expected to die.

Once the Doc got Sam to Sickbay, he was able to fix her right up. We were also able to retrieve the Delta Flyer, thankfully, and commenced repairs immediately. The crew at Mom's Shuttle Repair Shop (Ensign "Mom" Myers, Tim Andres, and Jim Joseph) cheered me up with stories of the "Midnight Snacker" who had been raiding Neelix's kitchen stores while we were away. 

Neelix was staying with Naomi and couldn't hang out in the mess hall to trap the culprit, so every morning, he had quite a mess to clean up. No one had been able to discover who it was. Each night, different foods were snatched. There was no discernible pattern to help indicate the diet or food preferences of the thief, which could narrow down the search. The Doc tried to set up his imager to take a picture one night, but whoever it is managed to knock it over. The only pictures taken were of the floor, littered with knives, plates, and crumbs. If it had gone on much longer, the captain planned to set up the imager again with the Doc manning it this time to take pictures. Once everyone went into rescue mode, looking for us and digging us out, catching the Midnight Snacker became less of a priority.

When they finished telling me this story, I laughed and said, "At least you can't blame me! I was nowhere near the Mess Hall!"

The next day, when we found out the Midnight Snacker was Seven, it ceased to be funny. One of her Borg implants had been activated, and she was hearing the voices of beings who had been assimilated when she was part of the Collective. Since they were of many different species, her choice of foods naturally differed, depending upon which voice was dominant that night. 

When she was still a Borg, Seven found the voices in her head to be comforting. This time, within a few hours they were invading her consciousness so completely, she'd developed the Borg equivalent of a multiple personality disorder. Her condition was serious. We might have lost her if the cause hadn't been discovered quickly. 

We discovered a debris field near to the planetoid where my away team had crashed. The debris was from a Borg vessel. The captain found a part -- the viniculum, I think they call it -- that controls the thought processes and memories of the drones in the Collective. A race victimized by the Borg created a form of artificial virus to get back at them. Several of their people volunteered to be assimilated in order to introduce this virus into the Hive, which turned out to be extremely effective at creating "chaos from order," as the captain put it. When old memories, voices, and emotions were unleashed on them, the drones on the Borg ship destroyed it. As Voyager traveled near the debris on its way to rescue our away team on the Delta Flyer, Seven received the signals from the diseased viniculum, too.

Because the people who created the virus wanted it to spread among the Borg who would investigate the debris field, they wanted the viniculum back. We were able to give it to them after Tuvok performed a mind meld on Seven to bring "order to chaos" and cure her. 

Seven has now turned back into the icy individual she's always been. Well, maybe that's not fair for me to say. I understand she's asked Naomi to help her experience some "recreational" activities, like the kid game Kadis Kot. It's more evidence that Seven continues to be little more than a child in her emotional development. Maybe Naomi can be the playmate Seven never had the chance to have when she really was a kid, after her assimilation. If Harry still wants to pursue Seven romantically, I think he might earn the nickname "Cradle Robber."

Now Seven is another member of Voyager's crew who's had her mind saved by Tuvok. If he keeps it up, Janeway will have to promote him a full commander in a couple of years! 

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52161.1

Thank God, B'Elanna is going to be all right. She's mad at me for begging the captain to save her life, but I just couldn't let her go if there was a way to save her.

The universal translator couldn't help us understand the screechy language of the alien that attacked B'Elanna. We realize it was using her as a sort of life preserver when it was injured, but B'Elanna's systems were so compromised, it's a miracle she didn't lose her own life in the process. The idea of creating a holographic "consulting physician exobiologist " was actually a brilliant one. Too bad the Doc never bothered to find out the model would turn out to be a Cardassian, and a serial-killing Cardassian, at that.

The Bajorans on board went nuts when they found out. I know Tal Celes was pretty upset, but Tabor had lost family members to this doctor's cruel experiments on Bajor and was livid. He actually tried to resign his commission, although I don't know if he'd thought out what he was going to do if he'd been allowed to resign. And with the way B'Elanna feels about Cardassians in general, especially after hearing Sveta's letter to Chakotay about what happened to the Maquis -- I mean, she's still not completely over that yet. She's much better now that we talk things over when she feels bad, but if there's one thing she doesn't need, it's reminders about a Cardassian Jack the Ripper. I'm not surprised she didn't want that hologram to treat her.

The surgery to separate the creature from B'Elanna was a success. He was transported to a ship of his own kind to recuperate, and B'Elanna was released from Sickbay to her own quarters to recover. She was NOT happy the captain allowed the surgery to proceed, although I believe the Doc controlled the surgical procedure to a greater degree than she thinks. The creature survived, and B'Elanna did, too. She's not particularly pleased with me at the moment, either, since I advocated using all the information at our disposal to cure B'Elanna.

I know the ends don't always justify the means, but I'm glad that B'Elanna is safe. The Doc wanted to erase all of his personality enhancements, thinking that contributed to his resurrecting this Crell Moset, but the captain refused to permit it. She did, however, leave the choice about whether to save this Dr. Crell Moset's program for future use up to the Doc. He chose to delete the hologram, with all of the related files. I wish that research had not been obtained in the way it was. This Crell Moset was an ethical moron, but not using what he knew about exobiology would not have brought any of the dead Bajorans back to life, either. A time may come when we could use some of the information that was deleted. I hope we'll get home before we do. It's all very troubling. There are no easy answers.

Isn't it time we caught a break? Wouldn't it be nice to have a nice, quiet next few weeks? We sure deserve it!

End Personal Log

 

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52169.9

Sensors have picked up a planet that seems to consist entirely of water. The captain ordered a course change so we can investigate it. I hope it's true. I'd love to see it! 

B'Elanna agreed to spend a little time in the Captain Proton program with me at some point in the next few days. I'm dying to see her in the Queen Arachnia costume. If she's willing, I mean. Maybe we can convince Seven to play Constance Goodheart? If Harry can control himself around her, that is. He seems more immune to her charms recently. That may be why they work together so well. When Seven isn't trying to lord it over everyone when on assignment, she really is becoming "part of the team." I think that's Harry's doing almost as much as it is the captain's. 

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52175.3

The Moneans have given Harry, Seven, Riga and me the Monean Emblem of Maritime Distinction medal for "saving" their water world. When we descended to the middle of Monea's watery sphere, we found an ancient device which creates the containment field that holds the seas in place. Because so much of its power is now needed to beef up the device's structural integrity, we had to give it some more juice to keep it going for a few more years.

It felt great to be appreciated. Briefly.

But the reason the device is failing has taken away all the joy I had from the accolades our team received. The Moneans are short-sightedly mining oxygen out of the waters, increasing the density, and that's what's wrecking the device at the water world's core. 

I don't know if I will be able to keep this medal, or ever look at it if I do, now that I recognize what it represents: a reward for providing a stopgap measure, one which is bound to fail in the long run if nothing is done to end the mining that is causing the problem.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52267.2

I wanted a quiet time for a few weeks. I got it, all right. In the Brig. Thirty days solitary confinement. I was busted to ensign, too, for insubordination, use of a space craft without authorization, reckless endangerment, and conduct unbecoming for an officer. I knowingly interfered with the affairs of the Moneans, which I know full well is a violation of the Prime Directive. I had no defense for any of the charges, because I did it all. 

I took the Delta Flyer without authorization, refused to return it when ordered, and brought Riga to the refineries. I allowed Riga to shoot explosive charges from the Flyer in an attempt to blow up the refineries, which are ruining the Monean environment. The Prime Directive does not allow the captain to consider that the leaders seem bent on policies which will destroy their world. She fired photon torpedoes and destroyed the explosives before they hit the targets. If we had destroyed the refineries, I have a feeling I would never have left Monea. I'd be facing whatever Riga is facing from the authorities there. I'm afraid for the little Monean scientist. He was trying to save his planet and his people, but his leaders want his head. I just hope it isn't literally.

At the beginning of my sentence, I went back to being the bitter, self-pitying, and self-destructive Tom Paris I'd been when I first came on Voyager. Locked up in solitary, there wasn't much I could do in the way of destroying myself, but the bitterness and self-pity? Not to mention the guilt that I'd thrown away all the respect I'd gained from the captain over the past four years? All that, and I didn't even succeed in saving Monea. Yeah, I gave it all free rein. I'd done this to myself with my "eyes wide open," like Professor Gegen of the Voth had once said to Chakotay. But when you do something like this, you have to be willing to accept the consequences. Loss of rank and time in the brig were warranted. I know that.

I wrote a letter to Dad while I was in the brig. Amazingly, I finished it. I probably wouldn't have without Harry tweaking my conscience. He was allowed to visit me for a couple of minutes, midway through my sentence. When I put on the bitter con act, Harry saw right through me. As he was leaving, he reminded me that one of the failings my father always threw in my face was never finishing anything I'd started. (And it's true. I'm all too willing to let things slide.)

After finishing it, I saved the letter to be mailed automatically to Dad if and when Voyager makes contact with the Alpha Quadrant. I won't repeat what it says in my Personal Log, since the actual letter is accessible here through an attachment. Let me just say in this entry that while I regret my lack of judgment in this matter, I regret the lack of judgment of the Monean leaders just as much, even more. Riga wanted to do the right thing for his world. He saw that if his leaders sweep this problem under the rug for too long, within a few years, it will be too late. This lovely sea world will cease to exist, its waters boiling off into space as the containment field holding it in place fails. The sea creatures, who are the true natives of this world, will die. The Monean leaders who don't want to deal with this environmental hazard they've created will have to lead their people somewhere else, to a new way of life, because Monea will be gone.

I broke the rules, but I had a reason this time. It wasn't because I hate to follow rules. I accepted my punishment, not always with patience, perhaps, but in a way that lets me look at myself in the mirror without revulsion. I can't say that about many of the other times I've been jailed.

And B'Elanna respects me. B'Elanna the Maquis appreciates that I was willing to take a stand when I saw an injustice. I did what I thought was right, even if I had to pay for it with a loss of freedom. The loss was temporary. I hope B'Elanna's willingness to support me will be permanent.

I also hope they don't do anything vile to Riga. Many Moneans know about the incident because of the forced evacuation of the refineries. Perhaps the authorities WON'T be able to sweep this under the rug until it's too late. Maybe Riga's fellow scientists will speak out to support him. It may be a vain hope, but Ensign Thomas Eugene Paris will cling to it anyway. The alternative is too awful to contemplate.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52440.7

Sorry it's been so long since I visited you, my Personal Log.

But wait. To you it's been less than a week since I added any thoughts to you. For me, it's been over two months. Very sad and lonely months, I might add. Tuvok, the Doc, and Noss kept me company, but B'Elanna wasn't there. What they say about absence making the heart grow fonder is true. I missed B'Elanna more than I can say even to you, who holds all my most personal thoughts. I never thought I would see her, or anyone else on Voyager, ever again.

It was supposed to be a routine away mission. Our instruments never detected the spatial phenomenon before it swallowed us up. I understand the geeks in the Sciences Department have now classified it as a gravity well, a kind of sinkhole, which dragged us into an unstable subspace layer. It didn't have any of those sudden tornado-like eruptions, but otherwise, it reminded me of those astral eddies we encountered a couple of years ago, right around the time the Doc was visiting his family program and his daughter Belle died. I remember them all very well, because that's when I discovered "Warrior Women at the River of Blood," my primary research resource in the art of Klingon romance.

Anyway, this gravity well/sinkhole/astral eddy thing dragged our shuttle out of normal space and dumped us onto the surface of a Type D planet. Type D's aren't antithetical to our metabolisms the way Demon planets are, but they're brutal places to visit, let alone live. Noss, the young woman we encountered, had managed there for fourteen seasons all by herself. It's remarkable she survived for so long. We struggled to communicate with Noss in the beginning, since we'd never met her people before. Without the Doc's built-in universal translator, we'd have had even more trouble. Once he was activated, he was able to translate for us. Noss was a quick study, fortunately, and we had plenty of time to chat. She picked up a working knowledge of Federation Standard within a couple of days. By the end of our stay, she was fluent.

Our Type-2 shuttle was crumpled into scrap when we crashed. Tuvok and I were lucky to survive with minimal injury. We scrambled to retrieve the Doc's mobile emitter, med kits, emergency rations, some weapons, and a few odds and ends of instrumentation; but if we hadn't joined up with Noss, I'm not sure we'd have lasted more than a few days. 

Noss said she'd seen many ships fall from the sky, but none ever rose back up. If we had flown the Delta Flyer, maybe we would have had enough power to escape the gravity well while we were in normal space. Even if we'd still crashed, the Flyer has a much stronger structure than the Type-2. It might not have broken up so badly. I guess it doesn't matter now. We DID survive. I don't know why I'm whining about it to you, Personal Log.

Her ship broke up when it crashed, too, but it landed in one piece, with enough systems operational to allow her to live in relative safety. She told us a little about her home planet and her journey here. She had been one of a crew of six, but the crash took the lives of the other five. We never asked her what happened to their bodies. I hope there was no cannibalism involved, but I couldn't blame her if that's what she had to do until she found out the spiders were non-poisonous and nourishing -- even if they weren't very appetizing. Too many legs. 

Noss could distill water vapor utilizing technology installed on her ship. That's how we got most of our water supply. It was difficult to get much water from the brackish pools scattered among the rocks. We had to avoid them because the aliens who tried to mug us whenever they saw us preyed on anyone who went to the water holes. We tried to identify other food sources, but we never did find much worth gathering. Our local landscape consisted of rocks, sand, and some sparse vegetation. The wildlife was limited to midges, gnats and arachnids of various sizes. We subsisted primarily on giant spiders, which seemed to be the dominant species. I think the place would have been overrun with them if there had been any more food for them to eat. We did our bit to keep their numbers under control by hunting them for dinner. Noss had this thumper thing that drew them out of hiding, and whenever they showed their gruesome little faces, she pierced them with a kind of fork. Spiders for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Stewed, baked, or dry roasted (since we had no oil to sauté them in). Gourmet fare they were not.

At first we were confident the crew of Voyager would swoop in and rescue us. After we'd been on the planet for several weeks, though, we lost hope. I lost hope, that is. I'm not sure if the Doc ever did, because he was shut off so much of the time to conserve the little amount of power we had available for his mobile emitter. We didn't want to lose him if we could help it. If Tuvok had given up hope, he wouldn't tell me even if I'd asked, but I'm sure he figured that Voyager had given us up as a lost cause and journeyed on to the Alpha Quadrant by the time I did. 

We hoped Harry had been able to get that replacement EMH on line soon, since both the Doc and Voyager's primary field medic -- me -- were lost. Most of the time it was just Tuvok, Noss, and me. Like I said, I was lonely, because I turned out to be the third wheel. Noss was attracted to Tuvok. Poor girl. Not just a Vulcan, but a MARRIED Vulcan. Noss was fated for the most unrequited love story in the history of the Milky Way galaxy.

I can admit here that I prodded Tuvok to accept Noss as a mate. I know he's bonded to T'Pel and was devoted to her and their family, but if we weren't ever getting off that rock, he would need to deal with his pon farr at some point in the next two or three years or die. Thanks to Vorik and his Blood Fever, I know enough about the subject to anticipate what would be coming. Tuvok didn't want to hear about it, though. Poor Noss was broken up because she thought he was rejecting her. I was pretty mad at him until I figured out how broken up HE was about the situation. Kobiyashi Maru time again. The no-win scenario. We were butting heads over it when we finally received a signal from Voyager, letting us know they were going to rescue us. Just in time, too. Those muggers from another planet were in full attack mode. We barely got out of there in time.

And that brings me to the subject of time, temporal distortions, and time differentials. In this pocket of subspace, time didn't behave itself. We'd only been on the planet for two days, by Voyager's calculations. By the reckoning of time of Noss' planet, she'd been there barely a year.

Voyager did rescue us -- obviously, since I'm dictating this log entry to you, Personal Log. I lost a few entries I'd dictated before our shuttle crashed, and, frankly, I'm in no mood to try to recreate them. The official logs will have to do. We were able to save those in Tuvok's tricorder, which we held onto when Voyager transported us out through the aperture. 

Getting out of that sinkhole was a very near thing. The "Nova Squad Team" of aliens started shooting the hell out of the opening to eliminate the danger of anyone else falling in. From the viewscreen log records the captain showed us, I think they were the buddies of the aliens that were always after us on the planet. While that might have been a good deed in and of itself, their methods left something to be desired. When the captain asked them to give her time to try to get us out, the grudgingly agreed, but then they pushed up the timetable without warning. And they didn't even bother trying to pull out their own people. Considering the way the ones on that ship acted, the behavior of the ones on the planet might be typical of their species.

If we could have communicated with those aliens, maybe we could have rescued them, too, when Voyager brought us out. But we couldn't communicate with them, and because their buddies sealing up the sinkhole were in such a rush, we were lucky the Voyager crew could save us. At least we saved Noss. Once we were on Voyager, she was able to convey the location of her home planet. We dropped into orbit over it this morning.

One side note: after she'd rescued us, Captain Janeway told us they'd discovered the subspace pocket was about to collapse, crushing everything in there, planet, spiders, humanoids, and all. It's possible the time differential was a symptom of the imminent collapse of the pocket. Who knows if we would have been alive long enough for Tuvok to experience pon farr?

Noss is home. I dragged Neelix and the transporter crewman out with me after I'd said my good-bye to her, to allow Tuvok and Noss to say what they wished in private. Tuvok told me he "answered her questions" and she was at peace when they parted. I wouldn't be surprised if a mind meld had helped that data exchange along. I know he wasn't in the transporter room with her for more than a couple of minutes before she left the ship, and that Vulcan trick would be the most efficient and logical way to get his thoughts across to her in such a short amount of time. He disappeared into his quarters immediately after we left orbit. I bet he lit his meditation lamp as soon as the door closed. I could see he needed to disappear, from our time on that planet in the gravity well.

My view of Vulcans has changed so much since Vorik let the cat out of the bag about pon farr (to my everlasting gratitude, considering the way things have worked out between B'Elanna and me ever since). I knew there was more going on in the brain of Lt. Commander Tuvok, simply by the way he acts towards Neelix when Neelix gets all, well, Neelix-y, as he does from time to time. Still, until I had this opportunity to observe Tuvok up close and for an extended period, I had no idea how deeply a Vulcan buries his emotions. 

When I confronted him about Noss, Tuvok admitted that Vulcans really do have emotions. When he was young, his feelings for a young woman almost destroyed him. Tuvok must exercise constant vigilance to maintain his self-control. That's what all this meditation mumbo-jumbo boils down to: maintaining control. I wonder what would have happened if we had spent the equivalent of years on that desert planet, the way Noss had? Would Tuvok have gone into pon farr sooner, because of the time differential? Or would it have been many more years before it happened? Would he have accepted Noss as his mate eventually in order to save his own life? Since we were rescued and the planet in the gravity well no longer exists, we'll never know.

I was a little disappointed B'Elanna didn't make a bigger fuss over me after we got back. I expected she would miss me while I was gone. Of course, as far as she was concerned, I was only gone for two days. I've been on lots of uneventful away missions that lasted much longer than two days, so I guess I can't be too upset about it. I hope she welcomes me back into her bed tonight, even if I wasn't gone for long from her point of view. 

From mine, it felt like an eternity. Actually, it almost was.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52487.4

Had quite an experience today on the holodeck. I was playing Captain Proton, with Harry as Buster Kincaid, when the ship ran into a gravimetric force and got stuck, like a seagoing vessel running aground on a sandbar. We were still puzzling over that on the bridge when Harry, at Ops, noticed areas of distortion on the holodeck. The Captain Proton program was still running, so Tuvok and I went in to see what was going on.

When we got there, we encountered Satan's Robot, who told us that invaders from the fifth dimension have entered our scenario, and Doctor Chaotica was firing back at them with his death ray. (Maybe B'Elanna is right. I really must be spending too much time in this program. I'm starting to quote Satan's Robot. That's a bit weird, even for me. But I digress.)

At first, I suspected the distortions were mixing the Captain Proton chapters up somehow, or had damaged the program in some way. That's before this guy comes out of nowhere, dressed up like a film noir gangster, and accuses us of making war on photonic life forms. He was a photonic life form, he said. As far as he was concerned, Tuvok and I were the simulated characters, because for him, we didn't exist. It was very confusing.

Tuvok and I returned to the captain's ready room and described what we'd found to the senior staff. We figured out that the only way to break free from this subspace "sandbar" was if we resolved the fight between these photonic aliens and Doctor Chaotica and his cronies. Because of my knowledge of the various chapters in the program, I was able to assign roles to some of the crew to help do that. The Doc is photonic, of course, and as his tussle with Dejaren the psychotic ectomorphic projection proved, he's learned some fighting moves. I figured these photonic creatures from the fifth dimension would believe he existed and would listen to what he had to say to them. I also knew I needed someone to play Arachnia, Queen of the Spider People, to deal with Doctor Chaotica and company. 

I've always wanted to see B'Elanna in Arachnia's costume, but she's never agreed to play the role. Seven might have made a spectacular Queen, but there's only one gal I knew who could really play the part. Overplay the part, actually, which is what they did in the '30's when they were filming these things. 

Captain Janeway WAS great in the part. The sparkly spider costume, the make-up, the swagger. She was perfect. 

And the Doc was delighted to play the "President of Earth." Once Queen Arachnia had Doctor Chaotica eating out of her hand . . . smelling her pheromones . . . whatever . . . she managed to plug him with his own death ray. With Chaotica toast, the Doc/President of Earth successfully negotiated our ship's release, and we were on our way again.

I don't know. Looking back at what I've just dictated here, this really is kind of silly. I should just delete this program and create another. Maybe Tuvok can help me recreate the Type-D Spider planet for the amusement of the crew. Spider hunting for health. I should probably do that. But who am I kidding? Captain Proton is way too much fun, even if it is a silly program. I'll build another program or two for the crew, but I'm not going to delete this one. I'll archive it. Maybe someday I'll break it out again for Naomi to play, when she outgrows Trevis and Flotter. Maybe I can finally convince B'Elanna to slip into Queen Arachnia's costume, now that the captain has broken the ice. Maybe the captain will want to play it sometime herself. Hard to imagine Chakotay breaking loose the way he'd have to if he played Chaotica, but who knows? If we're out here much longer, maybe I'll even be able to get Tuvok into the costume of Lonzak, Doctor Chaotica's henchman. Now THAT would be fun!

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52547.3

I should give this entry the subtitle, "The Big Burp, or a Little Something from the 'Too Good to Be True' Department." 

Naomi, Seven, and I had just returned from a planetary survey. We were searching for deuterium, but we didn't find any. The trip turned out to be good primarily for Naomi, who was on her first away mission. When Naomi expressed disappointment about the outcome of the mission, Seven reassured her that it was quite educational for Naomi, so it was partially successful. Naomi wasn't mollified until I upped the educational quotient for her by quite a bit by letting her "drive" the Delta Flyer for a while. Seven raised her eyebrow a bit, but there weren't any solid objects or other dangerous phenomenon anywhere near the Flyer at that point. Besides, I was right at her elbow to supervise. Holodeck simulations are great for training purposes, but it was good for Naomi to handle the controls and get the feel of a ship in open space. There's nothing like it.

When we got back, the captain said our failure to find deuterium might not matter. While we were gone, the crew had discovered a wormhole that led straight to Earth. They only held off going in because they were waiting for us to return on the Flyer. 

Since we'd never picked up the wormhole when we were on our way back to Voyager in the Delta Flyer, it seemed a little too convenient to me, at first. Then Neelix delivered my message. A buddy was offering me a dream job at a test flight center in Australia! I sent a message back immediately, accepting the position. I wasn't the only one who had gotten good news. Neelix was offered an ambassadorship to the Lan'Tuana sector. Chakotay's message from Starfleet confirmed he had received a full pardon and was offered a professorship in anthropology at Starfleet Academy. The captain heard that her former fiancée had broken his engagement. Had I been thinking straight, I would have known something was wrong about this whole scenario, because the captain had confided to some of us after the Hirogen array was destroyed that her piece of news from the Alpha Quadrant hadn't been very good. Her fiancée had married someone else. But I wasn't thinking any straighter than the rest of the crew, especially the captain, because I didn't recall that at the time.

Some of our crew were not fooled, however. Neither Seven nor Naomi were offered anything that made them ignore signs that something was very wrong. Sam spooked Naomi by her abnormal behavior, and when Naomi saw everyone else she met acting like characters from "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," she fled to Seven's cargo bay to hide. Seven also developed reservations. When she went to Astrometrics, she did a scan of the "wormhole" and found a ship stuck inside. She hailed it and spoke briefly to an alien who told her the crew was being deceived, but the message was cut off and her access to ship's systems restricted by Tuvok. When she went to the Doc about this, his program was shut down "to prevent damage to his program when the ship went through the wormhole." For a similar reason, Seven was going to be tucked into a stasis unit for the trip.

I've made a lot of negative statements about Seven's unwillingness to cooperate with senior staff on more than one occasion in my log. This time, I'm glad she resisted. Between them, Seven and Naomi managed to prevent the security team's attempts to lock Seven away. Unfortunately, the captain was able to stop Seven with a power surge when she tried to shut down the impulse drive before Voyager's entry into the wormhole. We were literally sucked in.

Of course, it wasn't really a wormhole, it was a creature that literally ate spaceships for dinner. This alien guy Qatai has been hunting it for decades, ever since it swallowed up the ship he and his family were traveling on. He survived only because he was on a scouting mission at the time. The creature has a way of providing everyone with a telepathic vision of what they most desire. In this way, people in a spacecraft will drive right into the critter's maw to be digested.

Seven and Naomi don't really wish to get home to Earth. To them, Voyager is home. They were immune to the creature's blandishments, while I was not. Once we were inside the belly of the beast, the entire crew slipped into unconsciousness. When Seven revived, she reengaged the Doc's program and contacted this Qatai. They worked together to blast antimatter with Qatai's ship's weapons to give the creature an upset tummy. It expelled us. The Big Burp. 

Once we all came to and realized we'd been duped, the captain was Not Pleased. We quickly realized we had no way to actually destroy this creature. The best we could do was to position warning buoys all around its perimeter, at enough of a distance that the creature could not destroy them, and then go on our way. We offered to take Qatai along, but he refused. I think he's fated to play the role of Captain Ahab to that creature for the rest of his life.

So, the hologram and the two "youngsters" of Voyager's crew saved our bacon this time. I'd say that's REALLY an educational experience for Naomi.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52567.4

We've diverted our course because sensor readings revealed a ship standing still in space, well away from any planetary systems. The captain wanted to investigate, since they seemed to be stranded. When we came near and hailed them, they weren't very glad to see us, but their warp drive is totally down. They don't exactly have a means of escaping us. The captain's sweet-talked the leader into letting us help them. 

Our contact with these Varro must be minimal. They're a bit Garbo-like, you know. They're the "I vant to be alone" people. Protocols have been established to allow our engineering staff to assist them with necessary repairs while maintaining their cultural imperative. They don't want to be "polluted" by exposure to beings of other races. That means us. 

I doubt I'll meet any of these Varro, unless B'Elanna and Harry can assign me as a member of one of the repair teams. I think I would be an asset. Out here on Voyager, we all have to pitch in with repairs from time to time. I'm as qualified as almost any engineering crewman to work on warp drives, and I have the added perspective of being a pilot, too. Besides, hanging in space the way we are, attached to the Varro generational ship, I won't be doing much from the helm for the foreseeable future. I'd like to pitch in and help them out. Maybe the Varro will see that some folks are friendly out here. 

Of course, considering our encounters with some of the people of the Delta Quadrant, I can sympathize with their reluctance to mix much with those in the neighborhood. A lot of the folks we've met out here are not any friendlier than the Varro are, and they have the regrettable tendency to shoot first and ask questions later. When they're not trying to assimilate you.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52585.8

Harry, Harry, Harry! Alien babes disguised as recreational holograms. The wrong twin. Lovely friends from the Academy who are killed by the Hirogen. And now the beauty from the xenophobic species. Squeaky clean Ensign Kim may become a legend in Starfleet lore for always falling for the unattainable woman. If he keeps this up, Harry will be a prime example of line officers afflicted with Loneliness of Command Syndrome, that condition in which superior officers live out their entire lives without ever hooking up with anyone in a long time relationship, let alone have a spouse and family. We may already have several examples of it on this ship. 

(discreet coughing)

Our crew has been working with the Varro for almost two weeks now. Their warp drive is fixed, and both ships are getting ready to say, "Adios," and move off to our own separate destinies. Of course, Harry has gotten stuck on one of the Varro. 

I can't condemn Harry for his taste in women. Derron Tal is a beautiful girl. Unfortunately, he seems to have contracted some sort of disease from her. His skin lights up like a Christmas tree, and he can't stay away from her. I'm talking dereliction-of-duty-style not being able to stay away from her. I'm very concerned. He missed the final tests on their warp drive. He SAID he was in a certain part of their ship during the tests. I did some research. No one was there at the time he said he was. He contacted her on what he probably thought was a secure comm channel. I hope I won't get in trouble, too, because I intervened and broke the connection before it could be traced to him. It would be just my luck for the captain to find out I was covering for him! I mean, I've already been busted from lieutenant j.g. to ensign. I'm one stupid decision away from becoming Crewman Paris. 

Harry is a great friend. When we first came on board Voyager, I tried to show him the ropes of life on a starship. I even warned him that sometimes, it was best to do the opposite of what I do if he wanted to get ahead. I always thought Harry was an observant kind of guy, but he certainly hasn't seemed to learn anything from my missteps in regard to the Monean ocean world. Now he's got a formal reprimand on his record for ignoring the very specific protocols the captain established when we started working with the Varro. That's not at all like the Harry Kim I know.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52590.1

We've parted ways with the Varro. They've parted ways with some of their own, as well.

We discovered that everyone was not in accord with the "Varro way of doing things" on the generational ship. One of them tried to stowaway on Voyager. He meant to request asylum from Captain Janeway once we were underway to the Alpha Quadrant once again. I guess I can't blame the guy (Jeppiq, I think his name was) for wanting to get away from there. He wasn't the only one unhappy with the extreme isolationism imposed upon the Varro by their leaders. Tal was one of the members of a dissident movement -- I think revolt might say it better -- of Varro who wanted to go their own way. They decided to improve their chances of escape by separating the ship into individual segments, using an artificial parasite, to separate the ship at its couplings. Unfortunately, some of those little buggers had migrated to Voyager while we were linked together. Microfractures were beginning to form on Voyager's hull, too.

With the problem identified, the segments of the Varro generational ship in danger of explosive decompression when the parasites had done their nasty worst were evacuated with no loss of life. The generational ship as a single entity is now a memory. Most of the Varro are traveling now in convoy, their ships no longer attached to each other. A significant minority, however, which includes Harry's Derron Tal, have decided to find their own way in the universe. They've talked of finding a planet and settling down instead of staying on the move all the time.

Harry's dereliction of duty may have been caused by this condition he's picked up from Tal. According to the Doc, Harry has all sorts of physical symptoms caused by a very literal attachment between him and Tal. According to her, the condition is called the olan vora, or "shared heart." The Varro generally mate for life, and this olan vora connects them to each other metabolically as well as emotionally. While they can get over an enforced separation (death of one partner, for example), it takes a long time and can be painful. The Varro have medications to make the transition easier, so the Doc calls it a disease. Harry says it's love. He's refusing to take the medications. He says he'll get over her eventually.

It's too bad Derron Tal didn't want to request asylum on Voyager for herself. They could have stayed together and not needed medications to get over one another. Despite the problems Tal caused on the Varro ship, I think the captain would have allowed her to remain with Harry, if she'd wanted to stay. But Tal wanted to remain with her group, and Harry still wants to get home to his folks, so they had to say goodbye.

Harry is now headed far away from her, painful as it will be for him for both of them. Eventually half a galaxy will separate them from each other. Tal will truly be an unattainable woman then.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52597.4

We received a desperate distress call today at 0900 hours. The captain immediately changed course to intercept. We'd have gone even if the message didn't have a Starfleet signature. At 2120, when we arrived at the coordinates stated in the message, the ship was gone. All that was left was a cloud of deuterium, antineutrons, and traces of dichromates. The volume of materials was relatively small. I guess some molecules might have dispersed after an explosion, even though we didn't find any evidence the ship had exploded. 

It's always very discouraging when everyone gears up for an interstellar rescue and the preparations aren't needed because it's too late. The mood on the ship afterwards was somber.

That message was as mysterious as the composition of the debris. We know there is an explanation. A tragedy played out here. Sadly, it's doubtful we'll ever know what really happened.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52625.7

I'm not sure exactly what to put into my logs about this last adventure with the Borg. I mean, I was important to the success of the mission as pilot of the Delta Flyer, but really, the story belongs to the captain, Tuvok, Harry, and especially, to Seven. Most of what I know is second-hand stuff, from what others shared with me after it was all over. I do have some things to say, though, especially about family and the mistakes parents make with their kids. Putting them in danger. It was obvious, for example, that the parents of Annika Hansen had a lot in common with the Greeks, that "hubris" thing, which leads to tragedy. While we are lucky in many ways that Seven came on this ship, anyone can see she's damaged goods. Now I know a lot more about how she got that way.

First things first. We encountered a Borg "probe ship," small enough so we had at least a chance against it with Voyager's weaponry. Harry came up with a brilliant idea. When the ship came near us and started in on their "Resistance is Futile" garbage, remodulating their shields every several seconds to protect against the phasers and photon torpedoes we were firing at them, Harry noted a split second of vulnerability when they were moving from one resonance to another. It's something he'd noticed during previous encounters, but now he had a suggestion on how to use the observation to our advantage. He suggested we transport a photon torpedo inside the Borg vessel during that split second opening. He reasoned the Borg drones wouldn't see a transporter beam as a serious threat, particularly if they didn't detect any biological beings (a.k.a. soldiers) as the beam coalesced. It took incredibly sharp timing, but we managed to send a photon torpedo inside the vessel, set on a timer to explode a few seconds after it arrived. If we succeeded in disabling the probe, the captain and B'Elanna planned to do some shopping.

B'Elanna and the captain have lusted after a transwarp coil ever since our attempt to form a transwarp corridor ended so disastrously a couple of years ago. (Almost ending B'Elanna and me on the Day of Honor, of course, but I've said enough about what happened in this log already.) You see, Personal Log, our warp core simply can't handle the power output necessary to form and maintain a stable corridor by modifying Voyager's Starfleet technology. B'Elanna and the captain believe we'd do better swiping a Borg transwarp coil and adapting Voyager's technology to it, instead. Somewhat surprisingly, Seven agrees. So, we've been on the lookout for a way to get a coil ever since. The torpedo was meant to disable the probe ship so we could snatch at least one and then hightail it out of town before the probe could repair itself enough to call down a Borg posse to go after us. 

The plan worked like a charm. Sort of. There was a slight miscalculation. The torpedo landed too close to the central power matrix, and the explosion started a chain reaction. Instead of disabling the probe, we blew it up into a gazillion pieces. We did find one tranwarp coil in the debris we salvaged, but it was so damaged, it was a piece of junk. We were able to get some useful things: a dozen or so plasma conduits, a couple of power nodes, and two data nodes with useful tactical information, long range telemetry, and information about vessel movements, and so forth. The Doc was thrilled to find the medical servo-arm from a drone who must have been the Borg equivalent of the EMH. He's planning on "revolutionizing surgery" with it. (Maybe if we run into any more Borg to de-assimilate, it will turn out to be helpful.) 

After we took out the intact pieces we could use, Neelix melted the leftovers down to extract "useful" polytrinic compounds, before he vaporized what wasn't worth keeping. (Just so long as he doesn't plan on using any polytrinic compounds in his cooking . . .)

Anyway, after we'd gone through the debris, the captain had a brainstorm. "Operation Fort Knox." Since we couldn't find a workable transwarp coil this time, she wanted to plan a heist. Thanks to the data nodes, we located a Borg scout ship that had been severely damaged in an ion storm. While the drones were repairing it, the captain felt it would be vulnerable enough for a raid. Using holodeck simulations, an away team consisting of Tuvok, Harry, Seven, and the captain worked on getting on and off a Borg cube after "liberating" a transwarp coil. Personally, I wasn't too fond of the plan, but I know the captain. When she decides on something, she's willing to bet the farm -- make that Voyager -- on succeeding. "Ocean's Eleven" might have been a better code name. No one has ever succeeded in robbing Fort Knox. At least Frank Sinatra, George Clooney, and their buddies in their fictional "Oceans" movies were successful.

I'm digressing. Maybe it's because the next part of this story is so very disturbing.

When we rescued Seven and Tuvok from The Raven a year or so ago, I didn't think Tuvok had managed to salvage much in the way of information before the B'Omar blasted it to pieces. I was wrong. He managed to copy gigaquads of data from the ship's computer memory onto his tricorder before escaping the doomed vessel. The captain decided the best person to review this information would be the person who, by rights, inherited it from her parents: Seven of Nine. Neelix told me he'd copied what came from The Raven onto PADDs for Seven to read; all sorts of data, but particularly log entries. While he obviously couldn't read much, Neelix caught enough to tell me I was wrong in my speculation about how the Hansen's ship ended out in the Delta Quadrant. Seven's parents were exobiologists. They didn't discover transwarp drive or anything like it. They hitched a ride on a Borg cube -- years before Picard and the Enterprise first encountered the Borg. 

Somewhere, the Hansens picked up on stories circulating around the fringes of the Alpha Quadrant describing some sort of biomechanical beings. They requested and received permission to research these rumors, to determine if they were myths, as was commonly thought, or if there was a factual basis. I guess the Hansens envisioned themselves as contemporary versions of Heinrich Schleimann, finding the 24th century equivalent of a city of Troy.

Seven learned a lot about her parents and their work from the data she was reviewing. Eventually, the Hansens did find the Borg. They had shielding to hide The Raven, allowing them to make observations without the Borg detecting their ship. The father even managed to get aboard a cube to observe drones going about their daily routines. Seven discovered the schematics for the "biodampener" device her father had worn on the Borg cube to avoid detection, which were replicated for the away team. As we know now, perhaps the Borg would have ignored Hansen even if they could see him, as long as he didn't seem to be a threat. The Borg assimilate knowledge; they don't observe anything to study it. What this Magnus Hansen was doing with his research was totally foreign to the drones.

However, at some point, the Hansens must have either been seen as a threat or in possession of technology the Borg wanted. The entire family was assimilated. Seven spent the next five years in a maturation chamber before she was considered adult enough to help the Borg assimilate thousands, maybe millions, of beings. I'm angry at her parents for failing to protect her; and Seven, by now, is angry with them herself. But I'm getting ahead of myself again.

I don't know if there was some sort of working viniculum part of that probe that we never found, or if it was just that we got too close to that scout ship we wanted to rob, but Seven started hearing the Borg Queen through her neural transceiver again. The Queen told Seven she knew the captain's plan and threatened Seven if she let the captain know. The captain was surprised when Seven went from telling the captain the heist should be abandoned to begging to be allowed to remain on the away team, but she went along with the request. No one knew until after everything was over that the Borg Queen had promised Seven to allow Voyager to go on its way without being harassed any more by the Borg, but only if Seven would agree to come back to the Hive. So, when we found the damaged Borg scout ship, the heist went off exactly to plan. The away team stole a transwarp coil and transported back to Voyager, with one exception. Seven "defected" to the Borg.

The captain was upset, to say the least, and so were most of the rest of the crew. Even B'Elanna was peeved she'd have to adapt the transwarp coil to Voyager's technology without the help of the "captain's pet Borg." (So much for them learning to get along better.) However, when we looked into it, we found that while Seven was regenerating in her cubicle, the Borg Queen was in contact with her, threatening Seven without anyone else's knowledge. 

So another heist was planned, this time a rescue mission. Using technology we'd learned about from the Hansens' records, I flew the Delta Flyer with an away team that rescued our own resident Borg, or I should say, ex-Borg. Even without Seven, B'Elanna and her engineering staff got the transwarp coil working well enough for us to get out of town. A spread of photon torpedoes closed the transwarp corridor behind us. The only thing to follow us out into normal space was debris from the Borg vessel that had been chasing us. After that, we used the transwarp coil until it burned out, and we came back to pokey old regular warp-bubble speeds According to Tuvok and Seven's estimates, we managed to cut fifteen years off our journey home before the coil was done for.

This afternoon, while B'Elanna was on duty and I was free, Seven contacted me. She reminded me of something I'd said to her back on the Day of Honor, when I told her I would help her if she ever had trouble adjusting to life on Voyager. She hadn't really taken me up on this very often, but this incident with the Borg troubled her. I was bemused she would think I could help her with this, but I'm glad I agreed to talk with her. I hope I was able to give her a little guidance.

Seven confided that the Queen wanted her to help with the assimilation of ALL mankind on Earth, using a biogenic agent. It might take years, but the Queen was willing to be patient. This explained why the Queen was willing to let Voyager go. She'd get us all eventually with this new technique. And that wasn't all. The Queen dragged Seven along with her when the Borg assimilated an entire race, Species 10026. Or almost the entire species. Seven managed to free four of them before the assimilation process could be completed. The Queen was NOT pleased with Seven, accusing her of having "petty human emotions," although after Seven begged her not to, she didn't bother to send anyone after the little ship. Seven said it would be a "waste of Borg resources" to go after so few beings. She hoped the four managed to survive until they could reach a place of safety. It's a hard galaxy out there, if only a remnant of a population is still alive, and there's no turning back. The Borg have gutted their home planet.

Then Seven got into what was really bothering her. After the Borg Queen was "assembled" in front of her (nightmare images in and of themselves, from Seven's description of the process -- curse my vivid imagination), the Queen pointed out a drone to Seven and told her it was her own father. He gazed at her unblinkingly; a shell of what he had once been.

Seven went on a tirade then, about how her parents, especially her father, were arrogant and careless when they were studying the Borg. They could have recorded their discoveries and obtained visual and sensor proof to confirm the Borg were NOT a myth. They could have returned to the Alpha Quadrant to warn others about them. (Who knows? Perhaps Wolf 359 would have gone very differently, if the Federation had obtained advance knowledge of the threat years before the Borg had learned much about humanity, and Starfleet had a chance to prepare for them.) Instead, from her parents' logs, Seven knew they'd followed the Borg for many months, learned about the many dangers posed by the Borg, and did nothing with that knowledge to benefit humanity, all while exposing their daughter to the threat of assimilation. 

When I say "tirade," it's all relative, of course. Seven said everything to me in what any observer might think was a dispassionate tone of voice. By this time, probably because of things Harry confided to me when he was obsessed with her, I "get" Seven's manner of communication. She's just as subject to "petty human emotions" as the Queen accused her of being, even though Seven's way of expressing it is virtually invisible in comparison to what I see whenever B'Elanna gets riled up at something. Seven feels great pain over the way her parents' mistakes led to the destruction of their family. In the long run, Seven's experience as a Borg may prove to be a key element in the search for a way to defeat them. In the short run, however, Seven is a very lonely child/woman who needs a lot of help getting over the damage caused to her by the loss of her family. She needs a lot of mothering. The captain does what she can, but I think her own obsessions often get in the way.

I was happy to listen to what Seven had to say, but I felt totally inadequate to do much more than that for her. I suggested that if she was reluctant to go to the captain for support, Seven might talk things over with Tuvok, Chakotay, or even the Doc. When I told her this, that wisp of a smile Seven sometimes gets appeared on her face, and she observed, "Lieutenant Torres may not be pleased I have confided in you." I laughed and told her she was probably right, but I would handle B'Elanna if it came out.

Before we parted to return to our own duties, I did talk over something else with her. Seven was really down on her father. Really down. Apparently, the records Seven reviewed revealed that her mother had finally perceived their danger and advised her husband to stop pushing their luck. It was time to stop following the Borg cube and go back home, before the Borg detected them. He didn't listen. Seven was upset by her father's lack of respect for his wife's opinion and his cavalier attitude towards his daughter's safety. She asked me about my relationship with my father, since she'd heard that we'd had our "difficulties," too.

What an understatement! I admitted to her that my father and I have had a great deal of "difficulty" in the past, but I was at least as much of a thorn in the side of my father as he was to me. After explaining that idiom to Seven (who has had limited exposure to thorns of any kind), I went on to explain that if I should ever have the good fortune to become a father, I would try to remember my history and listen to my children better than I felt my father had to me. I also told her I was sure I would fail, at least some of the time. I know I am far from perfect. I will never get close to that state of perfection which Seven is always striving to attain. That's the nature of humanity. And Magnus Hansen, until his assimilation, was indubitably human. 

I asked Seven if assimilation meant a person lost all regret for the mistakes they'd made as individuals. She said the Collective washed away all individuality from a drone, including emotions like remorse. All memories are made inaccessible, except as the Borg determine them to be important to achieving "perfection." She doubted the Borg would consider her father's memories to be so to the Hive. Drones are like those characters she'd discovered in her explorations of human literature. "Zombies." They're the living dead.

Then Seven said something interesting, which I'm quoting here as accurately as I can. She said, "Except for the Queen, of course. She retains HER memories. She calls emotions 'petty,' but her anger and hatred of humanity, of Captain Janeway, and of all our crew, are obvious. She has always been our enemy, but now more than ever. She will never forgive me for rejecting her, or the captain for rescuing me from her control."

I told her I understood, but I used this insight of Seven's to point out that forgiveness is important to imperfect individuals such as ourselves. I admitted I still struggle to forgive myself sometimes for my own lapses in judgement and the mistakes that inevitably follow. I know I need to forgive my father for some of what he's done in the past, since he only meant to do the best for his son, even if it didn't always turn out to be right for me. I asked Seven if she thought she could ever forgive her father for ignoring Seven's mother's advice. He's certainly paid for it over the past eighteen years, and will continue to pay for it as long as his body lives on as a drone. She said she would "try."

I've been thinking over what Seven said, as well as what's happened here in this tussle of wills between the Borg Queen and Captain Janeway. Seven is undoubtedly correct. It's not over between them, not by a long shot. We're caught in the middle, all of us on Voyager, and especially, Seven. And after our conversation, I've also reflected on what I now feel was a lost opportunity. I think I always accepted that drones have no will to do evil in and of themselves. They are tools of the Hive, as directed by their Evil Queen. I understand them even more now. Seven's right. They really are zombies.

It's made me wonder if we could have captured any of the drones from one of those ships, particularly that probe ship, which exploded so completely, everything biological within it was totally obliterated. Could we have restored any of them to at least a semblance of their former selves, like we did with Seven? Could we have managed to keep them from becoming destructive long enough for the Doc to sever them from the Collective, like he did with Seven? We've had so many losses over the past five years. We aren't getting any transfers from Starfleet any time soon. Any infusion of new personnel would be welcome right about now. Perhaps someday we will get another opportunity to liberate some of those imprisoned beings who, like Seven, deserve a second chance to live a life of their own. 

I hope we do.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52639.6

"You tell us your problem, and we'll find the answer," Kurros said. "We're problem solvers. We'll only charge you a slight fee for our services . . ." 

Right. What a slimy group of extortionists! They expected to steal Seven away from Voyager as payment to help protect us from attacks by the Hazari. They created the problem, then charged an exorbitant price for their help. Quite an operation they had there. We'll never know if they're still in business or not. The Hazari bounty hunters Kurros hired to attack Voyager were busy shooting up their space station while we hightailed it out of there. I'm not usually a fan of total destruction of my enemies, but I wouldn't trust that "Think Tank" group to ever be on the up and up. 

It was poetic justice. Captain Janeway convinced our attackers to join with us once she learned they were going to get paid for their attack on us. The Hazari leader Y'Sek said the Think Tank charged so much for their "services," some societies crumbled after paying for the aid they'd received.

When the captain met with the group on their space station (their subspace hideout, actually), Kurros claimed one of their recent good deeds was to provide a cure for the Vidiian Phage. I'd like to think that was true so the Vidiians aren't carving up aliens for replacement organs any longer. Every time I think about the Vidiians and the Phage, I remember that hell hole where the Vidiian mad scientist Dr. Sulan split B'Elanna into two people. Where we lost Pete Durst. And I'll never forget that helpful Talaxian we failed to rescue when Chakotay got B'Elanna and me out. I hadn't thought about him for months. Maybe I'm so mad at Kurros and his group because this reminds me of that failure all over again.

After what this Y'Sek told us, I'll only believe the Think Tank gave the Vidiians a cure if they were the ones who'd created the Phage in the first place.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52655.1 

I think I finally have B'Elanna calmed down. It was touch and go for a while. B'Elanna almost broke another nose. This time, it was going to belong to the captain's "pet Borg," not Joe Carey. I was able to pull her away from Seven before the incident got worse, but it was a very near thing. 

I can't say I'm not pretty ticked off myself. Seven undertook her study of "human mating behaviors," with B'Elanna and me serving as her primary research subjects -- without bothering to ask us for our permission. I do sympathize with Seven's desire to expand her knowledge of human social interaction, but there's a limit to how much I'm going to allow her to intrude into my personal life in the process. B'Elanna has always had issues with "The Borg Babe," and this blow-up won't make her more cooperative. She's seldom willing to go along with Seven about much of anything. After this, I'll have trouble convincing B'Elanna to spend a social evening anywhere on Voyager if Seven's going to be part of the company. 

Of course B'Elanna and I know our relationship draws plenty of attention from the rest of the crew. Okay, maybe we get a little loud when we're enjoying ourselves in an up-close-and-personal sort of way, but we DO keep it behind closed doors. Our nearest neighbors have had the decency not to say anything to us about it. If they can handle it, why can't Seven? She seems constitutionally unable to stop butting her snooty nose into a lot of places where it's not wanted! And it's not wanted on Deck 9, Section 12, I can tell you that, Personal Log!

We were in the mess hall, having a nice, pleasant dinner, when B'Elanna noticed Seven at the side of the room, without any food or drink in front of her, staring at us and taking notes. I told B'Elanna to ignore her. I suggested Seven had finished taking her nutritional supplement and was simply working on some sort of work project. No dice. B'Elanna had also noticed Seven following us around for the past several days, PADD in hand, observing us a little too closely for comfort. I couldn't keep B'Elanna in her seat. She stomped over to Seven, grabbed the PADD, and discovered her "work project" was all about our personal relationship -- including details of the exact time last week that we "resumed intimate relations" after an argument. B'Elanna was livid, but I dragged her away in time before she did any damage to Seven. 

With the representatives of the Kadi colony due on board momentarily, the last thing we needed was for any sort of incident to occur to end their visit before it had a chance to begin. Neelix, in his role of Voyager's ambassador to the Delta Quadrant, was already having conniptions because he'd had to make all sorts of special preparations for our visitor. While the captain and Tuvok are visiting their colony, one of the Kadi monks will tour Voyager to make sure we measure up to their very exacting moral standards for trading partners. I have a hunch encountering a Borg with a smashed nose during the tour wouldn't reflect very well on our crew.

I'm going to have to talk things over with the Doc. He's taken on the role of her mentor and lead social skills trainer. Maybe he can help Seven see she's stepped over the line with this study of our "mating practices." I'll remind B'Elanna that Seven is really a babe in the wood when it comes to social behaviors. Tell her to give Seven a bit more slack. I would hate to see the slight amount of progress Seven and B'Elanna have made recently in their working relationship go down the Jeffries tubes because Seven is reverting to her self-centered, obnoxious Borgified self.

Maybe I'm being a little hard headed, too, about this. I . . . Hell, no I'm not! Seven HAS to learn respect for others. She's not on a Borg ship anymore. This isn't the same kind of impersonal "collective" she knew before she came on Voyager. Some things are private; and there are times she needs to keep her distance. If she's got questions about sexuality, she should do her research by reading a book or something! Maybe go on a date with Harry. He'd be willing, I'm sure! Leave B'Elanna and me out of it!

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52657.9

B'Elanna is still thirsting for vengeance against Seven for interfering in our lives. I tried to placate her with flowers tonight, but B'Elanna didn't want them because they'd "end up a footnote in Seven's so-called study of our sexual behaviors." She stated quite pointedly that she wanted to be alone tonight, so I decided to go to the holodecks to see if I could have some fun there.

Imagine my surprise when I saw my Paris-3 program was running on one of them. I don't mind if other crew members use it, of course. It's a public program; everyone is welcome. That's why I developed it when I was still persona non grata on Voyager. I must say I wasn't thrilled when I saw the pool table and Gaunt Gary had been deleted. I was in the mood to play some billiards. An alien guy was tending bar instead of Sandrine, and the gigolo was nowhere to be found (not that I minded losing him, ever since B'Elanna called both of us pigs).

It didn't take me long to figure out who'd changed the program. The Doc was sitting at the bar, patting himself on the back, while Seven's latest lesson in social interactions took place. She was interrogating a holodeck guy for a lesson in "small talk." I usually don't feel all that sorry for holodeck characters, but this guy looked like he wanted to run for the exit. Too bad he would have simply vanished before he reached the corridor if he'd tried it. 

I saw an opportunity to have the talk I'd planned on having with the Doc. I was going to suggest that his social training program needs to include some lessons on learning the difference between observing the human condition with respect as opposed to exhibiting brutally rude behavior while being a "buttinski." When I started to broach the subject, however, Doc immediately touted Seven's great progress in social skills. I pointed out to him that with a holodeck character as her subject, the "deck" was stacked in Seven's favor. I hinted Seven needed real world practice with a biological crew member to get a genuine read on her progress, or lack thereof. I scoffed at the idea she'd be successful going on an actual date. Getting a date might be easy, the way Seven looks. Having it end well was another matter entirely. The Doc was sure she'd do fine, so we set up a bet with the following parameters: Seven will bring a date to the reception for Tomin, the Kadi monk, which was to be held on Thursday night. She must arrive and leave with the same person, and still be on good terms with him/her at the end of the evening. There were to be no diplomatic incidents to mar the occasion. If she does all that successfully, I'll work double shifts in Sickbay for a month. If she doesn't and I win the bet, I get the entire month off from Sickbay.

He agreed. I can't wait for Thursday. This should be fun. I fully expect to have lots of leisure time to wine and dine B'Elanna next month!

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52666.8 

I have to admit, when I heard Seven had asked Lieutenant Chapman from engineering out on a date to get the "first date jitters" out of the way, I was very entertained. He's infamous for his nervousness around women. I was worried Seven would ask Harry out. She knows Harry pretty well by now. Lately, Harr hasn't shown signs of that massive crush he had on Seven when she first came on board. I could see him helping Seven through the parameters for the date I'd set with the Doc, if she was even halfway cooperative. He may still be struggling with the physical and emotional aftereffects of his love affair with Tal, the Varro woman, but if Seven had picked Harry, I think I might have been in real danger of losing the bet with the Doc.

When I was taking care of Chapman in Sickbay, after Seven tore his shoulder ligaments while they were attempting to dance, the unfortunate lieutenant told me all about their date. Both of them were nervous when they met to have dinner in Sandrine's. Chapman admitted he hadn't had a date in a long time, and this was Seven's first ever. Their entrée -- lobster -- probably was not the best choice for dinner. Chapman said Seven was a little alarmed because it had an "exoskeleton." When he'd ordered their meal, poor Chapman hadn't considered that, since Seven still has remnants of her Borg exoskeleton, she might feel a bit like a cannibal consuming shellfish for supper. (When she broke the thing apart, she splashed bits of shell and lobster innards all over Chapman. I had to clean him up when I worked on his shoulder. And then, of course, the dancing didn't go that well, either.)

B'Elanna is not exactly pleased to be down an engineer for a few shifts. I treated his injury, but he needs to rest for the next day or two for it to heal properly. B'Elanna says she'll have to work his shift instead of attending the Kadi reception with me tomorrow. Since Seven won't have a date, either, I guess I can handle going stag to the reception. It will be easier to rag the Doc about the failed bet if I don't have to prevent B'Elanna from breaking a Borg nose at the party.

Speaking of the reception, I understand poor Neelix has really had a hard time of it with this Tomin. Neelix told me Kadi monks are supposed to refrain from anything spicy, in food or their personal habits, but Tomin has been running Neelix ragged, according to the Voyager rumor mill. The reception sounds like it might be hugely entertaining. I have a feeling B'Elanna may be sorry she missed it.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52669.1

I was expecting to gloat. Instead, I feel so bad for the Doc. I'm mainly to blame because of opening my big fat mouth around Seven, but she was right, too. He should never have made that bet with me in the first place. 

Tomin was the life of the party, enjoying wine, women -- I don't know about song, but he sure did love my jokes. The Doc was upset I'd appropriated some of his "hologram humor," but as far as I could tell, the guy would've laughed at Naomi's knock-knock jokes. He was so lubricated, he could barely stand. Who knew, with the rules given to Neelix by the head Kadi guy, that we'd have to check our visitor for his ability to metabolize synthehol? He wasn't supposed to be drinking any! A glass of synthehol affects Tomin the way downing a pint of vodka would affect me (something I unfortunately have memory of doing a time or two). The only way to sober him up was for Seven to adapt some of her nanoprobes to gobble up synthehol from his system, and she wasn't in the best mood to be asked. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Seven did bring a date to the party. The Doc. When I saw the two of them arrive, I kicked myself for forgetting to exclude him from being her date when we set up the bet. It should have occurred to me, but it never did. They sashayed in, and it was "Pygmalion" all over again. Seven played the Eliza Doolittle part to perfection. She actually was acting like a reasonably normal human being and made a very diplomatic toast to friendship between the Federation and the Kadi. Since I know how well the Doc and Seven usually get along with each other, I resigned myself to my fate and told the Doc I'd pay up.

And that's when things went my way. Seven overheard us and was incensed at the Doc for making the bet. It wasn't nice of me to say anything in her hearing, but in my defense, her hearing is really sharp. And I wasn't thinking too clearly at the time, with visions of double shifts and not seeing B'Elanna's lovely form for over a month flitting through my mind. The Doc tried to explain to Seven that he wanted her company at the reception because he liked her, not because he had the bet with me, but Seven would have none of it. She stalked away in anger, sweeping by Tomin, who made the mistake of trying to pick her up as she was leaving the mess hall. Seven was VERY rude to him. Add one diplomatic incident to the list of not leaving with the person she arrived with, not being on good terms with her date by the end of the evening, etc. But I'd already conceded defeat!

After Seven left, Tomin collapsed from inebriation and had to be transported to Sickbay. Then we had to call Seven to Sickbay to help us with nanoprobe therapy. Awkward, on SO many levels. Tomin tried to tackle "Seven of Mine," and asked her to "assimilate me," while the Doc was trying to apologize to Seven at the same time he was treating Tomin.

Gotta admit, Tomin is very entertaining. At least I was right about that part of the evening. 

The Doc took me aside, upset about his disagreement with Seven, and asked me what he should do. Now, I'd had hints the Doc was developing an attachment to Seven before this, but I didn't realize how bad he had it until then. I probably should have guessed it from all those "social training" sessions he was having with her. I'm sure he identifies with her, since, like him, she is a technological marvel. But she was also a Borg, and there's the rub. Seven has a very long way to go, I'd say, before she's ready for anything more than friendship. Right now, even friendship is quite the challenge for her.

Since he'd asked me, I advised him to tell Seven how he really felt about her. When he expressed doubts about a hologram and a Borg having a relationship, I reminded him that stranger things had happened. He only had to look at B'Elanna and me.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Supplemental

I saw the Doc this afternoon. He was pretty down. He was going to take my advice about telling Seven how he felt, but she beat him to it. She'd enhanced his medical tricorder, as a "Thanks for the Memories" parting gift. She informed him she could see there was no one on Voyager for her to mate with, but if things changed in the future, she would ask him for his "guidance."

I told him I was sorry how things had turned out, and I am, too. She has no idea how brutal an ending that was for him. At least she wasn't rude. She was oblivious.

The Doc and I agreed to cancel the bet. Neither of us feels we really won.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52749.1

B'Elanna had a short fuse kind of day again, although I can't blame her temperament as the cause this time. Having to help the Malons with their garbage could provoke a saint, let alone B'Elanna. The ironic thing is, Chakotay has arranged for her to receive meditation lessons from Tuvok to help her control her temper. I'm not sure they're helping.

When we received the distress call from the Malon garbage scow and rescued Fesek and Pelk, the only two of the crew who were still alive, B'Elanna was not exactly diplomatic towards them. She still remembers how she offered information on how to recycle the theta radiation produced on the Malon home world to one of their compatriots, who rejected it because he wouldn't make as much money as he would dumping it into an area of space far from his home planet. He didn't care he was killing the aliens who lived in the area. He paid for that decision with his life, as it turned out. I've documented that incident in more detail in a log entry several months ago.

And now the captain's asked B'Elanna to go on the team to the Malon freighter, along with Chakotay, Neelix, and the two Malon workers, to prevent the storage tanks from blowing up and contaminating a huge area of local space (and not so coincidentally, Voyager itself). I wish I could go with her, but the captain wants me here in case we need to do some fancy flying to protect Voyager. I hope it doesn't come to that. For one thing, I don't know if it's possible for me to fly Voyager away from the size of explosion that freighter would make, and if it does, it may mean I'll have lost B'Elanna forever. 

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52754.8

The threat from the disabled Malon freighter is over. The away team was able to vent the storage tanks well enough to hold it together until Voyager was able to grab it with a tractor beam and sling it into the corona of a nearby star. The corona absorbed enough energy from the explosion to prevent contaminating this area. 

We were able to get B'Elanna, Chakotay and Neelix back okay. They're a little the worse for wear from radiation poisoning, but the Doc says he can treat them. It's not a fatal dose. Controller Fesek is back on Voyager, too, but he isn't so lucky. The Doc says he can treat him, but he's taken too much radiation to survive much longer. Fesek accepted his diagnosis with relative dignity, far more than I expected from the way our previous contacts with the Malons have gone. His co-worker Pelk didn't make it back. He was killed by an entity the Malon call the vihaar, which they all thought were mythological. Turns out, the vihaar aren't myths at all. Some Malon core workers, before they are finally killed by theta radiation, develop a tolerance for it beyond the level the Malon had ever thought possible. It drives them crazy while it poisons them. They take revenge on their fellow workers by blowing up freighters and taking out their crew mates. The vihaar are actually these hallucinating workers.

Charming.

Although I'm still annoyed by the Malon in general and their irresponsible garbage dumping habit, I do feel sorry for Fesek. His small son wants to grow up to be just like his dad and work as a controller in the garbage dumping industry. Maybe he won't have to. B'Elanna offered Fesek the schematics for the toxic waste recycling system Emck rejected. Fesek isn't as dense as Controller Emck was and sees the possibilities. He hopes to live long enough to set up a company to provide this recycling service, using the system B'Elanna gave him. Fesek realizes this alternative method of dealing with theta radiation could provide a living for his family after he's gone. His little boy might not suffer the same fate as his father. I hope it works out for them. We're on the way to rendezvous with another Malon freighter tomorrow. Fesek wants to get back home as soon as possible to get started on this new company, not to mention spending the little time he has left with his family.

One other thing. Neelix told me he found B'Elanna in the mess hall tonight, when he was getting ready to shut it down. She was going to meditate. Maybe Tuvok's teaching will help B'Elanna with her anger issues after all. I hope so. 

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52859.1

A relatively odd thing happened tonight during the Ping Pong tournament doubles match. Very odd, actually. 

Harry and B'Elanna decided to form their own Ping Pong team. I was a little miffed B'Elanna didn't want me to play on her team, I admit it. At least, I was miffed until I had a little encounter with Seven of Nine in the corridor. Now, Field Medic Tom Paris is fully aware of Seven's Borg-enhanced reflexes, but until I saw her snatch my wayward ping pong ball out of the air, I never associated this knowledge with an activity that might win me a few replicator credits. 

Seven and I turned out to be a great team. We made the finals against Harry and B'Elanna, naturally. The match was close right to the end; the score was almost even. I hit the ball quickly on my serve, hoping to catch Harry and B'Elanna off guard. Here's where the odd thing happened. Just as my shot got over the net, it hung in the air momentarily before zooming past both of them. Everyone was shocked. Seven commented that a glitch in the gravity plate must have been the cause, but she never moved a Borg-enhanced muscle to investigate.

Now, a good pilot needs to be able to sense even the slightest variations in inertia or gravity, whether flying a shuttle or walking around on an Intrepid-class starship. I didn't feel a thing, certainly nothing which would translate into problems with our artificial gravity system; and I'm sure I would have, if it had happened. Since Seven was so quick to explain it away, and Captain Janeway later said it was nothing and not to bother to investigate the phenomenon, I immediately got suspicious. I smell a temporal distortion, maybe even a "timeline correction." 

The captain has said many times that temporal paradoxes give her a headache. Although she never reported having one this time to the Doc, it's not like Captain Janeway, or Seven, for that matter, to be so cavalier about any unexplained phenomenon that might affect the ship. Usually, both would be busting everyone's butt to get an explanation. That suggests to me they already KNOW what happened. 

I'm obviously out of the loop, so I'm going to pretend it never did happen, just like Captain Janeway ordered. I'm not looking to get any headaches right now, especially of the temporal paradox variety. Besides, Seven and I ended up winning the match. No use poking my nose into anything that might jeopardize the results. 

The payoffs I received on my bets were quite substantial, and I'm going to need those credits. I partnered up with Seven because B'Elanna had already decided to have Harry on her side of the net, but she wasn't pleased I was with Seven. If B'Elanna and Harry had won, she'd be gloating right now. Under the circumstances, she's peeved at me. I'll use some of my winnings to order a very nice dinner to placate her. I won't say a thing about the Ping Pong tournament -- assuming I can keep my big mouth shut. 

Come to think of it, I don't think I'll set up any bets on being able to do that for the entire evening.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52929.3

Yesterday, Harry led an away team, with the Doc tagging along. They found an artificial intelligence in a metallic case. The Doc could communicate with it, but it had lost its memory. It couldn't explain what it was doing on this lonely planetoid. Harry and the Doc decided to beam the thing aboard Voyager to check it out and help it if they could. They thought it was some sort of intelligent probe. The Doc does like to help his fellow artificial intelligences, whether they're photonic beings or computer-driven android/mechanical types, like this one. 

Shades of Dreadnought! What they'd taken for a probe turned out to be a weapon of mass destruction. I don't know why they couldn't detect the explosive materials inside the thing before taking it on board, but they didn't. What's worse, once the warhead realized what it really was, it took over the Doc's holomatrix and held Voyager hostage, threatening to detonate itself unless we helped it get to its target and fulfill its mission. And even worse? This warhead had buddies it was leading to the target, almost three dozen of them. After Harry and the Doc started fiddling with our explosive friend, the buddies zeroed in on this location and surrounded Voyager.

Harry and B'Elanna managed to recover the lost memory files and identify the warheads as relics of a war which had ended three years before. They were actually launched accidentally, after the war was over. When a message to cease and desist was sent out to them by the ones who had launched them, the message was corrupted and not understood by the bomb. Once the warhead (Dreadnought Jr.?) accepted he wasn't supposed to finish the attack he'd been programmed to lead, he asked us to beam him out amongst his buddies. He led them all far away from Voyager before detonating, exploding all his buddy-bombs along with him.

It was a close call. The Doc is appropriately chastened (not that that's likely to last for too long), but this incident shows we need to figure out a way to keep something like this from happening to him again. His program is too valuable for us to lose, let alone be co-opted by an entity with a hidden agenda. And if that happens, alone out here in the Delta Quadrant as we are, Voyager is vulnerable to being destroyed.

End Personal Log

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Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52974.4

We received a distress call yesterday, and, like the one we received a few months ago, the message had a Starfleet signature. This time our race to save the other ship wasn't futile. We arrived in time and discovered the ship really was in distress. Vicious aliens were attacking it. We were able to extend our shield and end the aliens' attack. 

We were glad to help save the other Starfleet ship. The Caretaker screwed them just like he did us five years ago. The Equinox is a much smaller scientific research vessel, with an assigned crew of about eighty. Within a week of their arrival, an alien race we managed not to confront in the Delta Quadrant attacked them. They lost half their crew. The alien attacks have killed a bunch more. There are barely a dozen of them left. They're lucky they haven't encountered the Borg yet. I don't know how they'd survive if they ever did, considering their relative lack of fire power and the bad condition of their ship. 

Captain Ransom doesn't want to leave his ship behind, even though it's a mess. I can't blame him. We've already got a full senior staff. I'm not sure what position he would fill. Having two ships traveling together usually makes a lot of sense, tactically. Even if we manage to put Equinox back together, though, I don't know if it can keep up with Voyager. It's a miracle they managed to get here, since their ship, at best, can do Warp 6. According to their skipper, they found a wormhole which helped them travel a huge distance in no time, even though it ended with the Equinox still in the Delta Quadrant. Too bad we couldn't have found that wormhole, too! Although, considering some of the alien races they encountered that we managed to miss, maybe it's just as well. Still, I don't see how they could give us any tactical advantage if we met up with the Borg again, or the Hirogen, for that matter.

I must admit I'm not thrilled with one of their crew. I would prefer he stayed on his own ship, thank you very much. The First Officer, Lieutenant Maxwell Burke, happens to be an old boyfriend of B'Elanna's from when she was at the Academy. From what I can see, he'd like to pick up where he left off. B'Elanna says I'm being ridiculous because they broke it off ten years ago. Maybe I am being a little ridiculous, but I don't like the way this guy looks at B'Elanna. I'm going to keep my eye on him, especially if a decision is made to abandon Equinox and take her crew aboard Voyager. 

B'Elanna says I'm just jealous of Max, and it's nothing to worry about. Maybe I am jealous. Or maybe I'm picking up something from him that reminds me of me, in the days when I first came on board Voyager. I was not a nice guy then. I had to earn her trust, and everyone else's. 

Whatever the reason, I don't trust this guy Max. I hope I'm wrong, but there's something about him. Shifty around the eyes. I think he's hiding something. Something bad.

End Personal Log

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	6. Year Six

 

**YEAR SIX**

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53001.5_

 

I knew I never liked that guy. He's despicable, and so is Captain Ransom and all the rest of the crew of _Equinox_. So nice, butter wouldn't melt in their mouths. Then they stabbed all of us on _Voyager_ in the back.

 

We helped them repair their ship, which they said was damaged by the Shrieking Aliens from Another Dimension. They had no idea, according to Ransom, why these aliens were picking on little ol' them. Couldn't have anything to do with the fact they were killing those aliens and boiling them up for fuel, could it? That "compound" supercharged their Warp 6 capable vessel like it was an Indy 500 race car, but faster. A LOT faster. B'Elanna's old boyfriend Max was one of the ringleaders. I wouldn't be surprised to find out he's the one who figured out what the aliens could do for them. Wormhole? What wormhole? Only worms, A.K.A. the crew of the Federation Starship _Equinox_. And now our crew is at the mercy of those aliens, because Ransom, Max, and company have stolen the souped-up shield generator from _Voyager_ Seven adapted to protect us. And they've taken Seven hostage, too.

 

The captain figured out a temporary fix to boost our shield capability using the deflector shield, but it won't work for long. The deflector will burn out eventually. We need our multiphasic shield generator back, and Captain Janeway is driven to punish Ransom and his crew for the theft. We may catch them because for some reason they haven't used their enhanced drive yet.

 

I'll have to finish this later, but one other thing before I go. We've lost more crew, thanks to Rudy Ransom (perfect name for a criminal). Three of our crew were killed when the aliens attacked us, and another dozen have serious injuries. I had groaning crew mates scattered all over the floor in Sickbay while I tried to treat them to the best of my ability, because the Doc went missing, too. We finally found his mobile emitter, so he's back in Sickbay now, doing what he can for the injured. The captain wants me back at the helm. I've gotta go now.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53009.1_

 

Crisis averted. We didn't get our multiphasic shield generator back. It blew up with _Equinox_. We'll have to build another one, but at least we have the schematics.

 

We're catching a break from the Shrieking Aliens, known by the Ankari as the "Spirits of Good Fortune." Obviously, the Ankari never had any problems with them. In fact, they knew how to understand the aliens. Chakotay's idea of contacting the Ankari turned out to be the right call. The Shriekers wanted to kill the ones who were killing them, thinking all humans were like the crew of the _Equinox_. When Janeway told the aliens we wanted to punish them too, the aliens were willing to back off. I'm sure they wanted to wait and see if she meant what she'd said.

 

Oh, yes, she did mean it; and what happened to _Equinox_ is hard for me to swallow. As mad as I was with Captain Rudy Ransom, Lieutenant Maxwell Burke, and the rest of the crew of the _Equinox_ , I find myself backing the decisions of my former Maquis leader Chakotay, not my Starfleet mentor, Captain Kathryn Janeway. I have more to say later about that.

 

We managed to get Seven back, and we got our Doc back, too. We didn't even know he was a hostage over there when I dictated my last log entry. The Doc we "found" in the mobile emitter was _Equinox's_ own, ethically challenged EMH, who acted the spy for Rudy and Max. He maintained communications with them and gave them our shield resonance frequencies to help their weapons cause greater damage to _Voyager_. And while our Doc was over on _Equinox_ , they removed HIS ethical subroutines, too. He was in the process of carving up Seven to gain access to the encryption code she's managed to slap on their warp drive until he was sent back to us.

 

Rudy and Max wanted to use their alien corpse-enhanced warp drive to get home faster. Our fate would be to die under Shrieker attacks. They didn't want any witnesses to follow them home and  blow the whistle on them in the Alpha Quandrant, unless it was one or more of their own crew. Actually, from what I know now, I think that was a possibility. (More on that later, too.)

 

Last night, after B'Elanna restored the Doc's ethical subroutines, he repaired the damage he'd done to Seven. Since we still have crew recovering in their quarters from Shrieker injuries sustained during their first attack, I was in and out of Sickbay. The three of us talked things over for a while, after the Doc was finished working on her, but before Seven left to regenerate in her Cargo Bay. The Doc was very upset his program had been altered so radically and so easily by Ransom. Seven was quite understanding and forgiving, but it's scary to think the Doc is STILL so vulnerable. After that artificial intelligence bomb hijacked the Doc's program a few weeks ago, I thought we were going to add something to his program to keep it from happening again. Apparently no one ever got around to doing it. Seven said she'd make it a priority to install better security protocols tomorrow, to prevent anyone from tampering with him in the future. This time, I'm sure it will happen. One thing I do admire about Seven. The Borg instilled in her a single-minded work ethic that surpasses even B'Elanna's. Or Janeway's, for that matter.

 

So we got Seven back. We added five from _Equinox_ to our crew, but we lost three of our own. I'm still very angry at the loss of Joanna Tyler, Sherim Khan, and Doran Joss, but the _Equinox_ survivors received stiff punishments from Captain Janeway. Noah Lessing and Marla Gilmore both were busted to crewmen. James Morrow, Brian Sofin, and Angelo Tessoni were always crewmen, but now they probably will never get any raise in grade at all. Ever. The captain told the " _Equinox_ Five" they must earn the trust of the crew of _Voyager._ Because of their crimes against the aliens and us, when they followed Ransom's orders to steal our multiphasic field generator, they have a tough road ahead. I don't envy them, but I can commiserate with them. I had to go through it myself when I came on board _Voyager ._ We'll see how they do. I've heard a bit more of their story. I'm feeling a little empathy for them.

 

Ayala told Harry, B'Elanna and me what he'd overheard while on guard duty in the brig, before Janeway sentenced them. All five expressed a lot of remorse for what happened on _Equinox._ Marla and Noah are especially distressed because they didn't tip Janeway off to what was happening on their ship when they first met us and had the chance to do something about it. Apparently both suggested to Ransom and Max it might be better to abandon _Equinox_ once we came along. They were willing to give up the quick way home and take their chances with us, to become principled Starfleet officer again instead of killers. Their suggestion fell on deaf ears.  Rudy and Max knew we'd eventually discover what they'd done to their propulsion system and wanted to get away from us before that could happen.

 

When the aliens-as-fuel thing first came up, the _Equinox_ crew were ordered to comply. A dozen balked at the order. Max threatened them, using Marla as his "example." If they'd refused to follow orders, Max was going to space them. The five (and the seven others who had perished by the time we encountered them) had no recourse to any other authority. No chance to go over Captain Ransom's head to Starfleet Command to complain about the unethical behavior. They really DIDN'T have any choice other than to go along with Ransom's orders or die immediately. After Max mutinied and took over command from Ransom, however, Marla pretended to go along with him but freed Ransom, who sent Seven, the Doc, and the _Equinox_ Five back to _Voyager_. He refused to come himself because he said his ship was about to explode. He wanted to move it far enough away from ours to avoid damaging us.

 

I still say Rudy Ransom was a miserable excuse for a captain. He found some backbone, but way too late. The cynic in me says that by "going down with the ship" and exploding away all the evidence, no one will ever be able to prove what they did to the Shriekers, because they "had no other choice." I can't even say he rose much in my regard because he finally went against Lieutenant Maxwell "Slimy Jerk" Burke. A little, maybe, but not much. He was totally out of his element here in the Delta Quadrant. He didn't have the _cojones_ our Captain Janeway has (figuratively speaking only, of course).

 

Unfortunately, that also brings me to the other thing that Ayala overheard. Our own Captain Janeway stepped over the line and dropped the shields around the cargo bay where she was holding Noah Lessing, threatening him with Death by Shrieking Alien if Noah didn't tell her what he knew. The guy probably is alive only because Chakotay stepped in and saved him from one of the aliens. I wouldn't have placed much credence in what Noah reported if I didn't know Janeway removed Chakotay from command and restricted him to quarters for a while during the crisis. This was after we captured Noah and Angelo Tessoni on that planet, so the timing and other facts fit together all too well. I think Noah Lessing is telling the truth. It explains the obvious tension between Janeway and Chakotay over the past couple of days.

 

And something is going on between Captain Janeway and Tuvok, too. During the staff meeting this morning, while we were reviewing the new crew assignments, Tuvok was as stone-faced as ever a Vulcan could be -- maybe even stonier-faced than usual. He did that steepling thing he does with his fingers when he's meditating, or whenever he's struggling mightily to control his emotions, like when we were marooned on Noss' gravity well planet. Tuvok was also doing a very decent imitation of Captain Janeway's glare -- at Janeway -- during the entire meeting. I don't think he's very happy with his protégée at the moment. I wonder what my father will make of all of this when we do get home.

 

I don't envy our command team right now.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53025.5_

Marla Gilmore, Noah Lessing, and Angelo Tessoni were sitting in the corner of the mess hall this morning. I was due in Sickbay at 1200, and they had just gotten off duty. All of the _Equinox_ Five are scheduled for a lot of night shifts, with extra hours often tacked on at odd hours of the day. This was apparently their "dinner" break because an equipment failure had kept them working through their scheduled meal time.

 

I know this because I decided to sit down with them and get to know them a bit more. It's a small ship, and we've got a very long trip home still to go. I was ashamed I hadn't done something like it before. They were pitifully glad to have someone from the "original crew," as they called me, to speak with them. Apparently the rest of the crew leaves them alone, for the most part.

 

We hit one of those lulls in a conversation, where no one seems to know what to say. After a moment's hesitation, Noah mentioned he thinks he's heard of me from someplace. I laughed, trying to keep out the bitterness I felt for a second. The memory of my first days on _Voyager_ , particularly the reactions I got from so many of the crew right after we arrived in the Delta Quadrant, came flooding back. I agreed he almost certainly had, because I was "that Tom Paris" who was kicked out of Starfleet after the Caldik Prime crash. The one who later was convicted of treason as one of the Maquis.

 

The silence was truly deafening for several seconds before Tessoni asked how I came to be on _Voyager_ , if I was sentenced to prison. As briefly as I could, I filled them in on the whole "observer status" thing, which resulted in my ending up here in the Delta Quadrant.

 

"It must have been tough. How did you stand it?" Marla asked me. Looking at those three faces staring at me, a little fearful but hopeful, too, I was really embarrassed I hadn't reached out to them before. I was a criminal. Still am, in a lot of people's eyes, I guess. Those who know I'm still alive, that is. Anyway, I started blabbing to an intensely involved audience. I also revealed I used to be a lieutenant, but I'd slipped up, got busted to ensign, and spent thirty days in the brig. 

 

"But you're still a bridge officer!" Tessoni exclaimed. I smiled and said that our captain was interested in having the right people in place to give us the best chance to get home. Like B'Elanna the ex-Maquis is the best of the engineers, so she's Chief Engineer now.

 

Marla remarked, "She sure is the best!" Then she sighed and added, "I wish I'd never figured out how to use the 'compound' made from those aliens. If only I'd said I couldn't do it. Maybe Max and his buddies would have managed it out on their own, but at least it wouldn't have been me doing it, and then trying hard not to think about what I was doing."

 

We must have been there for over an hour before Neelix came in to start setting up for lunch When he saw us in the corner, he spent a few minutes with us, introducing himself as _Voyager's_ Morale Officer. He shared some details of his life as a smuggler, after his family had died on Rynax, when he was adrift in more ways than one. Between us, we filled them in on a lot of what had happened over the past few years. Some things they'd known, of course, from the time they spent on _Voyager_ while we were working together to fix _Equinox_. They knew about the Maquis joining with Janeway's crew right after the Caretaker brought us out here, for example, and about Seven's coming on board during the short-lived alliance with the Borg against the Fluidians. (Species 8472, that is.) Other things, like the stories of Seska the secret Cardassian and Lon Suder the murderous hero were revelations.

 

Anyway, after we'd filled them in a little, we reminded them they could look up entries in the Official Logs which are open to the entire crew. "When you aren't too tired, that is," I added. Noah said it wasn't the "same kind of tired" on _Voyager_ as it was on _Equinox_. Both Marla and Tessoni nodded agreement, with Neelix and me nodding along with them.

 

Then, on impulse, I said essentially the same thing to them I'd said to Seven, right after she was separated from the Collective. If they had questions to help them in adjusting to life on _Voyager_ , they could ask me, and I'd do what I could to help them out.

 

Noah said I'd already helped, just by letting them know they weren't the only ones on this ship who've known hard times. It showed them Captain Janeway meant what she said about their working to earn back the crew's trust. None of them are under any illusion they'll be welcomed back home with open arms when they return to the Alpha Quadrant. None of us know what will happen to the Maquis, but the _Equinox_ Five figure they're facing prison time for sure once Starfleet Command knows everything that happened on _Equinox_. Noah said if they can regain the confidence they'd lost on _Equinox_ and find self-respect on _Voyager_ , they'll be able to face whatever comes in the future, knowing they helped the rest of us get home. "We just have to remember who we used to be, before things went so bad . . _._ "

 

He didn't have to finish that sentence. I understood what he was trying to say. Been there.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53051.2_

 

Ah, well. At least I didn't land in the clink this time.

 

Harry and I were on Shore Leave on this space station. Great place, actually. Lots of interstellar traffic, and a friendly reception from the locals, for once. All kinds of people wanted to visit the "ship from the other side of the galaxy" (even though we aren't quite that far away any more). _Voyager_ was flooded with visitors the captain allowed in, to "further friendly relations with the citizens of the Delta Quadrant." I think the captain has actually started to plan ahead, for after we get home! Gifts were exchanged, some not so voluntarily. Tuvok's log covers the unauthorized "liberation" of items from our ship and crew members, I understand, so I won't bother explaining that remark here, other than to say that this station, like every other one I've visited, has its share of light-fingered individuals.

 

At least Chakotay and the captain seem to be getting along again. They're almost friendly. Tuvok is his normal Vulcan self, and I haven't caught him glaring at the captain during staff meetings for the past few weeks. I think things have reached what passes for normal between a Vulcan officer and his captain who have served with each other for a very long time.

 

Now, the hard part. I'm not in the brig. Harry isn't either. However, we both were confined to quarters for an incident that occurred in the space station. Yes, the captain was right. We did look for a bar, and on a station like this, of course, we found one. Lots of friendlies there. Some very interesting concoctions, too. I'd had the foresight to check them out with my tricorder before we drank any of them to make sure they would be safe to drink. Too bad we did that thing you're never supposed to do, in any bar. We mixed drinks. A little. A little too much, more likely.

 

Anyway, a few Kinbori guys asked us if we wanted to play this game. It uses this really weird looking racquet, kind of the Hindu god of racquets. Lots of arms. It was very heavy, and we had a heck of a time trying to keep it from tipping over. Or maybe that wicked balancing act was affected by the state of our inebriation. Whatever. We went out to this court at the side of the bar. They had a net up, and they ran a few rules by us really quickly. I don't think Harry understood them any better than I did, but we figured, "Racquets. Tennis. How hard could it be?"

 

Except we apparently weren't supposed to hit the ball thing over the net. Or use the multi-paddled racquet. Or maybe we weren't supposed to fight the guys who attacked us when we did hit the ball thing over the net. Long story short, or at least shorter, we were arrested, along with five of our crew mates, thirteen Kinbori, and the Morphinian café owner who objected to Crewman Joseph landing on the sidewalk next to his café. Or maybe he objected to our desecration of a sacred ritual, because that's what those racquet things are really supposed to be for.

 

We're both confined to quarters until the captain decides to free us. As we were leaving her Ready Room, however, she asked us if we'd won the fight. I said, "Oh, yeah." And Harry (squeaky-clean except for when it comes to Varro women Harry Kim) said, "We kicked their . . . racquets." We had a good laugh over the captain's reaction while we walked to our quarters. I have a hunch our confinement will only last a day or two, unless the captain wants me to run her somewhere in the Delta Flyer. We aren't leaving this station for at least a week on _Voyager_ , I know that for a fact.

 

So, no morale-boosting visits from Harry this time. I think B'Elanna will be able to come by for a while this evening. The captain didn't say I was in solitary confinement. Nothing to do for now, though, except confide in you, Personal Log. And maybe sleep for a while. Those drinks may have been "safe," but some of them had a wicked kick. I'd like to avoid another lecture from the Doc about hangovers, thank you very much.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53054.1_

 

I was right. Captain Janeway freed Harry and me from confinement to quarters yesterday morning. We won't be allowed any more shore leave on this station, but I don't really mind. I'm not eager to discover any more sacred rituals disguised as sporting events which might result in a much longer sentence, or the death penalty, or something. And Harry isn't either.

 

The night of our confinement, B'Elanna may have been tired after her shift, but she was more than a little miffed at me for napping away most of the night. She forgave me eventually. Last night she even brought me a "snack" from one of the restaurants on the station promenade to reward me for avoiding a hangover.

 

After dinner, we had a very pleasant time. Make that, we had a _VERY_ good time. And I'm not saying anything more about it here right now. B'Elanna doesn't like me to detail our fun and games in you, my Personal Log. I don't know who she thinks will ever want to read the thing in the future! Besides, her own log has lots more interpersonal relationship stuff in it. (She has a habit of forgetting to turn her log recording off when we get frisky, and those mikes pick up _EVERYTHING_.)

 

Actually, not all of the fun and games were sexual in nature. B'Elanna told me about this ancient 2-D movie she'd discovered in the database, called "The Quiet Man." She was eager to watch it with me because the synopsis said it had an "epic donnybrook" in it, and she thought we'd both appreciate it. A little humor for me, some busted noses for her . . . (She's gotten over her sensitivity to breaking Joe's nose that time. Even _HE_ kids her about it now.)

 

At first I told her I'd seen that movie and wasn't in the mood to watch it again. "John Ford, Irish setting, intense drama. Not tonight, honey." But B'Elanna insisted I had the wrong film in mind, and she was right. I was thinking of "The Informer," which Ford had made many years before "The Quiet Man." Other than the Irish setting and Victor McLaglen, who had roles in both, the films could not have been more different. John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara, the Duke and the Queen of Technicolor herself, romping their way through "The Quiet Man" -- almost as soon as the movie started, I was hooked. By the time it ended, I was bound and determined to turn it into a holodeck program. I couldn't wait to see "Mary Kate O'Torres" in the O'Hara role.

 

B'Elanna had other ideas. Scenic Irish setting: fine. Irish humor, music, pub-crawling, romance, and rollicking donnybrook: fine. Sean Thornton Paris dragging Mary Kate O'Torres through "muddy fields full of targ manure," _NOT FINE_. (I was going to mention there were no targs in Ireland until humans met up with Klingons, centuries after this movie, but I held my tongue. No sense getting her overly sensitive about breaking another nose, particularly if it's mine.)

 

We talked it over, though, and she finally agreed it would be "interesting" to build a holodeck program set in Ireland. We could borrow some elements we liked from "The Quiet Man," like the old-fashioned village streets and the beautiful scenic vistas. A village priest and a bartender are stock characters we'd want to include, but if we aren't sticking to the script, we could add original ones, too. I got that tingly feeling a get when I know I've thought up the perfect program to construct. I told her, "My mother's maiden name was Kelley. It's in me blood, don'tcha know!"

 

After pointing out my Irish accent needed work, B'Elanna asked me if I thought the program would appeal to other crew members. I pointed out that Joe Carey and the Delaney sisters have Irish names. I'm pretty sure Culhane and Mulcahey are Irish names, too. Captain Janeway herself must have some Irish in her. A couple of months ago, some of us were discussing our ancestors. At the time, Seven was helping Captain Janeway research her umpteenth great grandmother, and she found a Shannon O'Donnell, who married a man named Janeway. And who knows how many  others are like me, with "hidden" Irish ancestors on the maternal side of their family? For all we know, B'Elanna's dad could have had a distant Irish ancestor. I'm pretty sure I remember a South American revolutionary general named O'Brien, or something like that.

 

B'Elanna admitted it sounded more promising than that "Captain Protein silliness." So I'll do it. Maybe it will take a couple of months before it would be ready for public consumption. Picking out characters and researching details to make them lifelike will take a fair amount of time, and I'm not going to rush it. If I turn this into a public program, like Sandrine's, the whole crew can share in the fun. I also made a promise to B'Elanna -- no gigolos this time.

 

Although I like the name of the town in "The Quiet Man," I think it would be better if I came up with something other than Innisfree for our village. Maybe some sort of Haven. I'll think about it. I'm sure I'll come up with something memorable.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53062.8_

 

Marika Wilkarah gave a short lecture tonight about her experiences as a Borg drone. Seven did not attend, not that I expected to see her there. Not only does she know as much about the subject as anyone living, she has personal history with Four of Nine that can only be painful for her to remember. It took enough for her _TO_ remember it.

 

Marika, a guy named P'Chan, and another named Lansor were three of the other Borgs in Seven's first Unimatrix. Their sphere crashed eight years ago; the other five in their Unimatrix were killed. Their neural links to the Borg Collective were broken by the crash, and Marika, P'Chan, and Lansor, who all had been assimilated as adults, wanted to remain free of the Collective. Seven, who had been assimilated as a child, had no idea what was happening to her as her link was severed. She panicked and "reassimilated them" herself. She didn't really know how to do it properly. She formed the other three into a subset within the Borg. Seven must have been moved to a different Unimatrix afterwards, since the others who came on board _Voyager_ with her all perished two years ago. These three somehow were severed from the Collective once again. This time, with no Seven to reconnect them, they successfully escaped from the Collective. They obtained surgery to remove most of their implants, but it was crudely done, according to Doc.

 

They continued to hear each other's thoughts, and they wanted it to stop. During their search for a way, they encountered a trader who told them about our Seven of Nine. Once they found her on this station, they asked her to help them escape each other.

 

The Doc examined them, but if the surgery turned out to be successful, in a matter of weeks they would die. They could live longer lives, but they would either have to remain in their triad, in the way they currently functioned, or they could return to the Collective and be assimilated again by drones who knew what they were doing. Since all three were comatose when the Doc discovered this conundrum, Seven had to make the choice for them.

 

Eight years ago, Seven made what she now believes was the wrong choice. This time, she made the opposite one, condemning Marika, P'Chan, and Lansor to separate thoughts, and death, within the next month or so. When the three awoke, despite their grim prognoses, all said Seven had made the right decision. Each chose to live what remains of their life in his or her own way. Marika was content to spend her last days here, as an individual serving on a Starfleet vessel.

 

Unfortunately, Marika is still bitter over Seven's past decision. I don't think she realizes Seven made that terrible mistake when she was only a child emotionally. Seven's final memories of her life before assimilation were of an attack by a frightening monster who dragged her out of her family's ruined ship, while her father screamed at her to run away. Running away from the Borg was something Seven would be unable to do for the next couple of decades; in fact, it's something she's still working on. She still is not over her own father's bad choices about his family, which condemned Seven to living as a drone for eighteen years. For all Seven knows, her mother is still a drone.

 

Much of this story I learned from the Doc. (There are some benefits to being his "second" in Sickbay. Doc has to share some things with me for me to be able to serve the crew effectively as field medic, or whenever he's not available.) The rest has come from Seven herself.

 

Marika's lectures contain little of her shared history with Seven. While listed as a member of _Voyager's_ crew, most of Marika's "duties" involve dictating her memoirs in the form of log entries, much like I do to you, Personal Log. Her lectures are being recorded as she recites them, to form the entries concerning Borg life. Marika told Neelix that her private entries consist primarily of recollections of her childhood on Bajor; a reconstruction of some of her personal log entries from her days as a Starfleet officer when she served with her husband on the _Excalibur_ ; and a first-person account of what happened to the _Excalibur_ at Wolf 359, where she was assimilated. She also shared with Neelix that while she's happy to spend her last days on _Voyager_ , she's looking forward to seeing her husband again when she "joins with the Prophets." She knows he was not assimilated at Wolf 359. She saw him die during the assault.

 

Marika hopes recounting her story to us will prepare us for future encounters with the Borg. Ironically, what she's revealed has solidified my own perceptions about the zombie life lived by Borg drones. I recorded those in an earlier entry, after we rescued Seven from the Borg Queen several months ago. It's a pity Marika is so bitter about the former Seven of Nine. Seven's the one person on this ship who can truly understand what her cohort feels now, because they shared that same terrible life experience.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53094.7  Barge of the Dead_

 

I almost lost B'Elanna again.

 

She was unconscious when we found her shuttle drifting in space. We tractored it into the shuttlebay and transported her immediately to Sickbay. The Doc worked on her with minimal assists from me. He thought I was too upset to be much help, but there was no way in Hell I was about to leave her. I wanted to be there when she woke up.

 

When she did return to consciousness, she started babbling about going back and dying again to save her mother from going to Grethor. While comatose, B'Elanna had these visions of meeting her mother on the Klingon Barge of the Dead, which carries dishonored Klingons to their equivalent of Hell: Grethor. B'Elanna is convinced that her refusal to follow Klingon traditions has condemned her mother. Apparently, the sins of the child are visited upon the parent.

 

The Doc and I tried to tell her it was all a dream. It isn't true; B'Elanna is an honorable person. She's proven over and over to all of us on _Voyager_ that she reveres honor, but B'Elanna interprets every little failing as dishonor. I just don't get it. She battles to save us any way she can, whether _Voyager_ is battling the crew of the _Equinox_ or a belligerent species like the Kazon or Hirogen.

 

She just doesn't see it. I remember that very momentous Day of Honor, and the program she abandoned. When I finally got her to open up about it a few weeks later, she admitted that when the Klingon hologram Moklor asked her to list her honorable deeds as a warrior over the past year, B'Elanna couldn't come up with any. This, right after we'd fought the Borg! She didn't think to tell him of her fight to have the Enarans recall their suppressed history of slaughtering the "Regressives" among them. Wasn't that done to right a wrong? B'Elanna doesn't seem to recognize anything that doesn't involve a face-to-face fight as an honorable deed. Maybe I don't understand Klingon culture and its code of honor as well as I thought I did. I need to do better, since I'm in love with someone who is part Klingon.

 

Anyway, to get back to current events, B'Elanna told us she had had visions of a Klingon warrior swinging a bat'leth and killing the entire crew of _Voyager_ , including herself. In the Klingon mythos it's "The Dream Before Dying," a symbolic death of the warrior's old life before entering the afterlife of Sto-Vo-Kor or the condemnation of Grethor. She's off doing research right now, reading sacred Klingon scrolls she's found in our database. I'm going to go join her.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53096.1_

 

B'Elanna's back. Again. She had the Doc "kill" her by recreating the conditions inside the shuttlecraft when life support went down, just before we saved her. She promised Captain Janeway that once she'd said she was willing to swap places with her mother and go to Grethor herself, we could resuscitate her. Now, this sounds like the least honorable thing B'Elanna has done in a long time. It's a cheat! We went through with the plan, but we had trouble bringing her back to consciousness. And when we did, who does she hug? Captain Janeway!

 

I admit I was a little put out at first, until she released her hold on the captain and threw herself in my arms to hug me, too. Once she'd told us about the visions she'd had this time when she'd "died," I understood why she hugged the captain instead of me. B'Elanna saw her mother Miral again on this Klingon barge. She said Kortar, the helmsman of this vessel, knew B'Elanna intended to cheat death to save her mother. He'd have none of it. B'Elanna had to show her willingness to enter Grethor herself, to really change places with her mother, before Miral would be free. And she did. B'Elanna walked over a bed of burning coals to enter the gates of Grethor, but she didn't actually go inside. Her willingness to do it was enough. Miral told her to "choose to live, B'Elanna," as a person who honors the traditions of her people. In the end that's what her mother has ever wanted for her "Lanna."

 

When B'Elanna came back, she hugged her "mother" on _Voyager._ For as long as we've been lost in the Delta Quadrant, Captain Janeway has nurtured our crew as well as commanded it (and as I know all too well, she's pretty good at the discipline part, too). If I'd had the same spiritual experience B'Elanna said she'd had, I think I'd have turned to my Mom/Captain Janeway before turning to my lover, too, as much as I love B'Elanna.

 

When I still hoped I could keep B'Elanna from trying this risky venture, I promised I'd study the scrolls with her, even learn Klingon, if she wouldn't try to go back to "see" her mother. Since I'm fortunate enough to get B'Elanna back, I'm going to fulfill that promise to her anyway. I'll study the scrolls with her. I'll learn Klingon. I'll do a proper job of it.

 

B'Elanna couldn't come up with any honorable deeds she'd done when she was asked, although she's certainly done them in her capacity of Chief Engineer. I think that's because the one thing B'Elanna hasn't done is to honor specific cultural traditions. For instance, she's never finished the Day of Honor program we constructed together. She needs to do it, to "live" in the Klingon way, and to accept herself as she is. She can do it. I hope I can do it along with her.

 

I'd like to think I've done some honorable deeds in the past year. Maybe it didn't end well, but I did try to save Monea from the shortsightedness of its leaders. I've done some good things over the past five years, like helping to take back _Voyager_ from the Kazon and saving B'Elanna from Dreadnought. Maybe caring more for what was good for B'Elanna in the caverns of the Sakari counts, too, because at an earlier time, I would have been only too glad to bed her without thinking of the consequences to her. Whether I've done enough to restore any semblance of personal honor, after my very dishonorable actions in the matter of Caldik Prime, I can't say. Tuvok once told me no one can ever live a completely blameless life. How many Klingons really follow that code of honor strictly enough to get into Sto-Vo-Kor if they're so anal about it? Especially if the actions of a son or daughter are enough to condemn a parent who tries to instill respect for the honor tradition in a child who either cannot grasp it or rejects it? I'd like to think there's hope for me to redeem myself in my own eyes, so I can formally join my life to my beautiful, feisty, more-honorable-than-she-thinks-she-is half-Klingon lover.

 

I realized long ago at the very beginning of our journey, when her body and psyche were split apart in a slave camp by a mad Vidiian scientist, that B'Elanna must integrate her two heritages, human and Klingon, before she can ever truly be happy. If studying the scrolls helps her deal with the anger which bubbles so easily to her surface, I'll do it willingly with her.

 

Before I left her in Sickbay, B'Elanna told me when she parted with Miral, she asked if she would ever see her again. The answer: "in Sto-Vo-Kor, or maybe when you get home." I asked B'Elanna if she thought her mother was dead. B'Elanna doesn't know. I hope she _is_ still alive when we get back. I'd like to meet Miral, but if I can't, I'll honor her memory for giving me her Lanna, even though she would never know it.

 

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53115.2_

 

In addition to opera singer, social director/therapist to our resident Borg Babe, photographer, and, occasionally, Chief Medical Officer, our EMH has acquired still another set of algorithms. He's also become an "Emergency Command Hologram." That's right, the Doc wants to be the captain of _Voyager_ now, too. If Captain Janeway, Commander Chakotay, and Lieutenant Commander Tuvok are all knocked out of commission, the Doc wants command of the ship, even if the other commissioned officers such as Harry or myself are available. Right. A holographic captain. What will the Doc dream up next?

 

Actually, he did have to take command (more or less) today, and it was all thanks to a daydream.

 

We were being shadowed by an alien ship with a very effective cloaking device. We don't know the name of this alien race, but I'll call them the "Overlookers," for reasons which will become obvious later, Personal Log. They seem to be a clone of the Caatati. These Overlookers also follow the "give us what we want from your ship or we'll blow you up" script. They might as well have flown a Jolly Roger on their ship (well, a painted one on the side, anyway, since flags don't exactly cut it in airless, windless space).

 

The Doc got to go in action because this guy from the alien ship, assigned to spy on us, managed to tap into the EMH program. This guy was no James Bond. What he didn't realize was that the Doc was daydreaming at the time (another innovative program of the Doc's that B'Elanna is not exactly thrilled with). At any rate, this alien, Phlox by name (same as the doctor on Archer's original _Enterprise)_ , told his superior officer, his "Overlooker," that Captain Janeway had been killed in an attack. The "Overlooker" reported to _HIS_ superiors, the "Hierarchy," who gave the OK for them to attack us if we wouldn't give them whatever they wanted (and here I always thought Starfleet Command's administrative structure was bureaucracy run mad).

 

Phlox later realized the Doc had been daydreaming and that the captain was alive, well, and definitely in command, but it was too late to stop  his "Overlooker" from going on the offensive. He contacted the Doc, who went to the captain to explain the danger. She put him "in command" and he fluttered and blustered and bluffed his way out. "Evasive action, Mr. Paris."  "Actuate the Photonic Cannon, Mr. Tuvok." Etc. Since the "ECH" had fantasized previously that we'd blown up a Borg vessel with this photonic weapon, Phlox's "Overlooker" consulted the Hierarchy, who (which?) decided it might be prudent to scurry off instead of continuing the confrontation with us. Our totally fictitious photonic cannon, in the hands of the Doc, more or less saved the day. I say "more or less" because Captain Janeway, our master puppeteer, was pulling the Doc's communication matrix strings the entire time from behind the scenes. Phlox was very appreciative of having his bacon saved. Apparently, giving the wrong information to his superiors would be a Very Bad Thing for his career. We were appreciative, too. That ship of their possessed some impressive weaponry, according to Tuvok and Harry.

 

The Doc received a "medal of commendation" on the bridge, and Seven gave him a congratulatory kiss -- a "strictly platonic gesture -- don't expect me to pose for you." I was completely mystified by that last comment until B'Elanna filled me in.

 

When the Doc developed problems distinguishing daydreams with reality, Seven, B'Elanna and Harry analyzed the EMH program on the holodeck. When they projected his "thoughts," his current daydream displayed Seven "posing" for Leonardo da Vinci di EMH -- in the nude.

 

Seven was not pleased. Harry's eyes bugged out of his head so far, he's still having trouble tucking them back into their sockets. And B'Elanna said she saw "far more of Seven of Nine than I ever wanted to see." (I'll bet it wasn't more than _Harry_ ever wanted to see, although not in the setting Harry would have liked. The Ktarian Moonrise program would have been far more to his preference, I'm sure.)

 

Anyway, thanks to the Doc, we almost got blown up, and he got a medal for it.

 

Now, tell me, Personal Log, what's wrong with this picture?????

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53170.9_

 

At first, it seemed like a gift. We fell into an enormous tunnel of energy, a subspace corridor, and we were speeding along. Unfortunately, it was filled with so many pieces of micrometeoroids and other kinds of debris, it was tough to navigate _Voyager_ safely through it. We also had no idea how to get out of it, either. While we flew along, a race identifying themselves as the Turei hailed us and claimed we were violating their "underspace." Our captain explained we didn't know how to get out and asked for their assistance. They assisted us, all right, but then they turned around and demanded we allow them to board _Voyager_. The captain refused. The Turei fired on us, and we sought shelter by landing on a planet with a radiogenic atmosphere. Upon closer examination, we saw it had once been populated. The ruins of a megalopolis remained, reduced to rubble by plasma-based weapons.

 

When faint lifesigns were detected beneath the planet's surface, the captain led an away team to explore them. Although the damage to the city above was inflicted almost nine hundred years ago, we discovered life pods set to reopen after only five years. While many of the pods had failed, killing their occupants, others contained living beings in stasis. Against the captain's orders, Seven reanimated one of the aliens, a scientist named Gedrin, who said he was one of a race called the Vaadwaur. Although the captain was _not_ happy with Seven's unilateral action, she willingly negotiated an agreement with Gedrin. In exchange for instructions on how to navigate in the "underspace" corridors, _Voyager's_ crew would awaken the surviving Vaadwaur and help reactivate their ships, so they could leave this planet and seek a new home.

 

One person on _Voyager_ was disquieted by the Vaadwaur. Neelix remembered ancient tales of a phantom army which appeared out of thin air to destroy colonies before disappearing. The name of their race is a word in an old Talaxian dialect which translates as "foolish." The titles of the old tales were ominous, too: "The Tale of the Deadly Stranger," "The Demon with the Golden Voice," "The Tale of the Boy Who Lost His Head," among others. Chakotay compared these tales to an ancient Greek myth, in which the teeth of a slain dragon is seeded onto a battlefield. Each of the teeth grows into a warrior who continues the fight.

 

Once all the other Vaadwaur who survived were awakened, Neelix's concerns appeared justified. The Vaadwaaur leaders were not willing to go along with Gedrin's plan, preferring to steal _Voyager_ from us instead. In the grand tradition of "the enemy of my enemy is my friend," and with the help of Gedrin, Captain Janeway made an alliance with the Turei. _Voyager_ was able to escape the Vaadwaur who had turned on us, although Gedrin didn't survive. (Since he was mourning his wife, who died in her pod, I'm not sure how much he really cared to go on.)

 

Sensor readings we made earlier today indicate fifty-three ships of the Vaadwaur escaped in the corridors the Turei. I'm afraid we may not have heard the last of them.

 

Our experience with the Vaadwaur and the corridors did have one bright side. In minutes, we traveled two hundred light years closer to home.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53237.6_

 

Two steps forward and one step back. I commit myself to studying sacred Klingon scrolls with B'Elanna to strengthen our relationship, and then I'm seduced by a Jezebel of a ship.

 

We found "Alice" in what amounts to a combination second-hand vehicle dealership and junk yard: "Abbidon's Repository of Lost Treasures." Abbidon, the trader, was more than willing to part with her. She was a shuttle with the classic lines of a racecar, but with a neurogenic interface which allows a pilot to navigate at the speed of thought. I had to have her. I worked on her so constantly, B'Elanna asked me if she should be jealous. In fact, Alice was jealous of B'Elanna.

 

She also wasn't a ship. Alice was an alien entity who trapped me inside and sent me off to an anomaly that, if I'd fallen into it, would have meant my certain death. Tuvok and B'Elanna managed to transport me out of the doomed shuttle just before it fell into the particle fountain. Was Alice a native of that fountain? Was she crazy? I know _I_ was crazy to get involved, but maybe when I urged the captain to acquire the shuttle, I didn't do it of my own volition. Abbidon admitted the shuttle was "haunted." It ensnared him, too, but then rejected him. The trader "wasn't compatible" with Alice. I guess I was. I'm sorry I ever got involved with her.

 

I'm swearing off siren ships. Only Klingon/human girlfriends for me from now on!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate_ 53301.9

 

We held the funeral for a very great man today. For three hundred years, John Mark Kelly had been stuck inside the same graviton ellipse that almost swallowed _Voyager_. When we found his remains, we were happy to place them in a photon torpedo tube and shoot him into space, giving him full honors from Starfleet. We owed it to him. His pioneering efforts and martyrdom to space exploration helped pave the way for Starfleet's very existence.

 

When we detected evidence of his vessel _Ares_ _IV_ inside the anomaly, the captain sent Chakotay, Seven, and me in the Delta Flyer to see if there was anything we could discover about what happened after his last message to NASA. We were shocked to find the space capsule, which had been swallowed up by the ellipse, was virtually intact. When we tried to drag the _Ares IV_ back to _Voyager,_ we encountered trouble ourselves. The Flyer was damaged and Chakotay was injured. I had to stay with the commander to treat him, but we sent Seven to Kelly's capsule to salvage its ion distributer to repair the Delta Flyer. While she worked, she listened to the recordings of Kelly's last moments and transmitted them to us. After hearing them, she downloaded the logs for posterity and retrieved his body to take back with us.

 

Everyone at NASA had assumed Kelly was killed instantly when he disappeared within the strange anomaly which engulfed him. In fact, he'd survived for many days before his oxygen and supplies ran out. Even though he knew he was doomed, he continued to record his observations. He saw alien vessels within the ellipse and confirmed we were not alone in the Universe, although he couldn't communicate this knowledge to anyone in his own time.

 

When we return to Earth, we will proudly share these recordings with his descendants as well as the scientific community. To the end, he exhibited courage and professionalism despite knowing he was going to die. I can only hope, if something like that should ever happen to me, I would be brave enough to continue to perform my duties the way Kelly did so many years ago.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53326.4_

 

Opening Day at Fair Haven! I think I sense a little of what Walt Disney must have felt when he opened Disneyland for the first time! As happy as I've been with so many of my other efforts, such as Sandrine's, the Adventures of Captain Proton, and my Tahiti vacation program, this Irish town feels like my best work. Actually, it's probably mostly theatrical Irish. During the time period the program is set, before Irish independence, I suspect there would be discussions of violent deeds and an undertone of discontent in at least some of the people. I didn't want to get into all that, so it really is more of an amusement park than an authentic study of Irish history (even though that's the line I used to sell it to Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay). 

 

It wasn't easy to schedule time for holoprogramming. We've had several crises during the past few months. It will be worth all the hours I spent working on it if everyone enjoys themselves. I asked B'Elanna to come by later to play darts or rings in the pub, to appeal to that competitive spirit of hers. I'd like to spend more time with her than we've had a chance to spend lately.

 

_End Personal Log_

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53332.2_

My mind is still reeling. I heard my father's voice tonight. It _wasn't_ a recording. It was in real time. Starfleet Command got through to us! Maybe this time, the communication equipment won't be destroyed by alien short-sightedness!

 

Seven, on duty in Astrometrics, detected a message coming through an artificial wormhole that had its origin in the Alpha Quadrant. When she confirmed it was on a Starfleet emergency channel, the captain responded -- and we got an answer! A Lieutenant Reginald Barclay was "on the line," so to speak. He'd discovered a way to contact us using a new type of communication system. After Barclay had finished, he called my father over to speak to the captain, too. My father had a message he wanted her to give me. He misses me. And he's proud of me. The captain told him I was sitting at the conn and could hear him.

 

I admit, my eyes went a little misty. My Dad and I have butted heads plenty of times over the years, but hearing his voice tonight was a gift. He sounded so different. Could losing me be as life-changing for him as being cast into the Delta Quadrant has been for me? I hope when we do get home, things will go better between us. I guess time will tell.

 

Before the micro wormhole collapsed, the captain sent off logs, crew reports, and navigational records. They sent back information about this hyperspace communication system they used to contact us. Harry, B'Elanna, and Seven are already pouring over what they sent us, to make any adjustments we need on this end to open communications whenever it's feasible. We're all happy we had a chance to _really_ communicate with Starfleet. It may only be occasionally, but they're hoping we'll have contact with home on a regular basis from now on.

 

After our shift on the bridge was over, the senior staff adjourned to the mess hall to toast our newest crew member. It may be an honorary position, but when we finally do meet Lieutenant Barclay face to face, we plan to adopt him into crew no matter _WHAT_ the rest of Starfleet thinks!

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53333.9_

I spoke with Noah and Marla this morning. They knew all about the call from Starfleet Command. It's all over the ship, of course. News always travels fast on _Voyager_. When I said "all" of us were happy about regular contact with the Alpha Quadrant, I wasn't thinking too clearly about what it might mean for them. They aren't nearly as enthused as the rest of us.

 

They're afraid word will get out about what happened on the _Equinox_. I wish I could have smoothed things over more. Although I tried to reassure them, it's clear they've a right to be concerned. As difficult as the reception the Maquis on board may face, or what I might face as the ex-con of _Voyager_ , the _Equinox_ folks fear it may be much, much worse for them when we get home. They know it; I know it; and they know I know it. I feel so bad for them, but there's nothing we can do but persevere and do our best as crew members of _Voyager_.

 

Hopefully, the hard times we've had surviving out here will count in our favor, when the reckoning finally does come.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53478.8_

 

"Weird is part of the job." Captain Janeway said that to Harry years ago, when his Harry came on board _Voyager_. (Long story I've already mentioned in these logs, so I'm not going over it again now.) We got caught up by gravity from a planet with a time differential that was amazingly off from the rest of the galaxy's. I think they used to use a mayfly's life to represent anyone with an exceptionally short life. In this case, everyone on the entire planet lived a life that, to us, spanned mere minutes, maybe even less.

 

Chakotay was thrilled to be able to observe the rise of cultures and civilizations. Archeology and Anthropology are the subjects he really loves, I guess because his own native culture is much different from the Federation mainstream. Unfortunately, and without our wanting to do it, our presence has shaped the lives of the people on this planet. When we got caught in the planet's gravity, we destabilized the geology of the planet. They were now subject to earthquakes, and pretty severe ones at that. There's a whole lot of shakin' has been going on, I can tell you that.

 

We sent the Doc down to the planet and lost him for a few minutes before we could beam him up again. To the Doc, he was down there for years. He says he had a "significant other" and a son left on the planet. Don't ask me how that could happen. Maybe they adopted. Anyway, the culture had progressed enough to know that the "star" that had suddenly appeared in the sky was actually a ship. They even made toys of us. The "Sky Ship" – _Voyager_ \-- was like "The Adventures of Captain Proton" were to people in the twentieth century.

 

We apparently stimulated scientific development until, one day, a guy appeared out of nowhere. He was a pilot from the planet. He and his mission commander had flown up to _Voyager_. Of course, since it happened so fast from our point of view, we never realized they'd come until their craft suddenly appeared in our shuttle bay. The mission commander didn't survive, but the pilot willingly went back to the planet (where everyone he knew had already perished) to tell the scientists down there our dilemma.

 

They solved it, too. They sent up two ships with tractor beams powerful enough to yank us out of orbit, where we could finally continue our own journey. We got a chance to see a projection of the pilot again, to say good-bye. With any luck, now that we're no longer locked into orbit, the earthquakes will stop on the planet. We all wish them well, especially the pilot. He was a nice guy. For some reason, we never found out his name, so I guess he will just have to be "Pilot" to us forever.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53496.4_

One thing I've missed on _Voyager_ was something Captain Stark on the _Exeter_ used to call "woolgathering night." What with having to defend ourselves from all sorts of aggressive, unfriendly Delta Quadrant species and becoming enmeshed with weird natural phenomenon like gravity wells and gravimetric gradients that skew time, we find ourselves rushing from crisis to crisis -- when we're not working double shifts to repair damage to the ship caused by the aforementioned aggressive species, natural phenomenon, etc. No course in the Delta Quadrant is so routine that we don't have to be constantly vigilant. Even special event "down time" is subject to disruption by circumstances beyond our control.

 

So tonight was kind of special. This evening the captain, Chakotay, Tuvok, Harry, B'Elanna, and I were all off duty at the same time. Nothing of such grave importance came up during those couple of hours after dinner for any of us to be called away. Seven came in for a nutritional supplement before doing whatever she does when she's off duty but not regenerating and decided to stick around, too. Neelix sat down with us after he finished cleaning up the kitchen. And we swapped stories for a while. It was wonderful. It's crazy, but we all admitted we're kind of nostalgic for our first days in this quadrant, when the Kazon and Vidiians were the primary threats and we stumbled around, trying to stay alive. We've long since left that area of space behind, and while we acknowledged the loss of some good people, like Pete Durst, Kurt Bendera, and Lyndsay Ballard, we can laugh at other things, like "there's coffee in that nebula," and cheese-infected bioneural gelpacks.

 

There's another side to "woolgathering night." Many times we touch upon something we really should consider but probably wouldn't, under the normal course of things. Even in the Alpha Quadrant, on the _Exeter_ , the crew could get bound up in day-to-day events. Stupid little issues and the occasional major crisis often seemed to follow on the heels of another major crisis. "Seeing the big picture can be damned hard sometimes," Captain Stark used to say. "The little things always distract us." That's one reason he scheduled an evening, every month or so, to give us a chance for "woolgathering."

 

"Starkers," as we used to call him when he wasn't around, had a gift. Somehow, when we started to reminisce, we ended up getting downright philosophical. I think that was his plan.

 

We did that tonight, when we started talking about our recent visit to the accelerated time planet. After a while the discussion veered off into time paradoxes, leading to this big discussion of temporal mechanics. On the _Exeter_ , probably half of us would have questioned whether time paradoxes really existed. Thanks to various events, such as our unexpected trip to 20th century Southern California, no one on _Voyager_ (except maybe Naomi, who was too young at the time to remember it) could possibly have any doubts.

 

I think I brought it up first. I told the story of the time in Neelix's holodeck Resort, when Kes said, "You must be B'Elanna," like she'd never met her before. B'Elanna added the part about running into her later that day, when Kes said she'd been with the Doc all day. I had checked with the Doc and the computer. Kes never did leave Sickbay or go to the resort that day. We never found out why that happened before Kes left us. I did ask her once, but she managed to give an answer that was a non-answer. I noticed Captain Janeway didn't chuckle or even smile along with the rest of us while B'Elanna and I related that story. She wanted to change the subject.

 

That evasion made me remember the time Kes rushed onto the bridge and insisted on seeing Captain Janeway. I asked her what Kes had to say to her that was so important. Kes suggested a change in our flightpath in order to avoid traveling through a certain section of space. I asked the captain if she had followed Kes' suggestion. The captain said she had. When I asked why, she said only, "I'm not at liberty to say."

 

I'm sure everyone was curious, but no one was brave enough to ask her any more about it. I noticed Harry "read me like a book" Kim had a pained look on his face, though. I decided to wait until the two of us were alone before asking him why he'd looked so solemn at that point.

 

That's when we turned to the subject of our excursion to the 20th century, and good old Captain Braxton and his Federation Temporal Police. We got home to the Alpha Quadrant, but Braxton wouldn't let us stay. Seven had arrived in the Mess Hall for a nutritional supplement and had some pungent observations about Borg temporal nodes and time travel, not to mention several questions for us, since she wasn't on _Voyager_ then. What happened? Why couldn't we stay on Earth then? We told her we knew we didn't fit into that century. Seven noted that Braxton had a time ship and brought us back to the right time period when he returned us to the Delta Quadrant. Why couldn't he have just brought as back to Earth in our proper time as well?

 

Another thing didn't fit. This "Temporal Prime Directive" should have forbidden the Doc from keeping the 29th century mobile emitter he now uses whenever he leaves Sickbay or the holodeck. The captain and Chakotay agree they have no idea why the EMH was allowed to retain possession of the device. We're all happy he did, since he's been able to save many of us in the past few years, but it doesn't really make sense. Finally, as far as we know, time excursions usually get wiped out of the memories of everyone affected when a time stream resets, but our memories weren't. It's strange we can even talk about it like this.

 

After deciding there must be some reason we can remember, even though it isn't yet apparent why, the party broke up.

 

B'Elanna had something she wanted to check down in Engineering, so I was able to speak with Harry privately on the way back to quarters. I asked him why he hadn't said much, and why he'd looked a little down at the mouth during the discussion. Harry admitted the subject hit a little bit too close to home. He said there was another temporal paradox that only Seven, the captain, and he himself knew about, and he's sure it indicates another messed-up time stream. He didn't want to tell me anything more about it. Of course, I pried it out of him.

 

During our failed attempt to use the quantum slipstream drive, Harry had sent a course correction that protected us from disaster. The slipstream corridor dissipated, however, and we didn't have enough benamite to try using the drive again. That I already knew. What I hadn't known was that the Harry Kim walking next to me hadn't sent that message. He later calculated that what he was going to send us would have made us veer out of the slipstream and crash onto a nearby planet. Seven received the correction we used, and attached to it was a short log entry from a much older looking Harry Kim. The time stamp indicated this message was recorded fifteen years in the _future._ It said, in essence, that this older Harry had done us all a favor. Only a time stream "reset" could explain our receiving the course correction we used and the message Harry received from "himself" afterwards.

 

That set me to thinking about several other times we survived a dangerous phenomenon which really should have destroyed us, and something seemed "off." How many other times had we been saved but, unlike the Captain Braxton incident or this time, when Harry got the message, none of us have evidence of what really happened? Why _were_ we brought back here to the Delta Quadrant by Captain Braxton? Are we meant to discover something like the slipstream drive which will get us home and transform space travel? Will we find a way to destroy the Borg? Might we discover some technology that eventually will result in the creation of the mobile emitter, or some other invention essential to the future? I suggested to Harry we might even be responsible for the creation of the Temporal Police itself, if only to control us from messing up time altogether! In Harry's view, James T. Kirk is probably responsible for the creation of a time police. Starfleet probably already has the Temporal Police on the drawing board! We had a good laugh. Kirk probably is responsible. He did enough messing around to earn it!

 

And at that, we agreed we both had massive headaches like the ones Captain Janeway says she always gets when she talks about time travel, and dropped the subject.

 

Now that I'm alone, remembering that strange incident with Kes in the resort, I'm thinking that if there was some sort of correction to time, it must have something to do with B'Elanna. Was my B'Elanna going to be lost? Was she saved after Kes convinced the captain to alter our course, and thus alter that time line? I can't think of any other explanation.

 

If that's the case, I'm very grateful to our Ocampa colleague. She was with us for far too short a time.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53502.2_

 

I've got the Fair Haven program up and running again, finally. It's a great program. I was really upset when it was damaged during an encounter with a really nasty space "hurricane." Since we only salvaged 10% of it after the storm, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to recreate it. Of course, we had to lose the sea coast because we're only running it on one holodeck now, but the captain said it's okay to continue the "open door" policy and run it 24 hours a day for the near future. The crew as a whole really enjoys visiting our ersatz Irish village.

 

One other thing. I kept the "revised" Michael Sullivan pub owner, rather than the original one I'd designed. The Michael I created was a married man. Someone changed his parameters. He's a bit taller now, more of a man of letters and aware of the outside world -- and he's single.

 

I understand. A certain person on this ship needs an outlet of a personal nature she's not able to get from anyone else on board _Voyager_. I wish she could have a flesh and blood squeeze, rather than a photonic honey, but this certain person I'm talking about is a stickler for protocol, too. Not mentioning any names here, Personal Log. I'm sure you know who I'm referring to here. For this reason alone I'm glad I designed the original Michael Sullivan, the template for the one who's in the program now. I must admit, I like this Michael Sullivan better myself. He's got that Irish gift of gab. I enjoy a little chat with him every now and then myself.

 

_End Personal Log_

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53508.2_

Borg cubes are always scary places. When this one found the four of us on the Delta Flyer, the old familiar refrain rang out: "We are the Borg. Your biological and technical distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile." Except this Borg ship wasn't swarming with mindless zombie drones shimmering into baleful existence. This cube was badly damaged and contained thousands of dead Borg bodies -- and a handful of immature "neonatal" drones. We learned later their maturation chambers malfunctioned, discharging them before they were ready to function as adult drones.

 

One was a baby Seven sent to Sickbay. The remaining five child/drones were a Norcadian girl, about the size of a nine year old human; twin boys of a species we haven't met yet on our travels; a Brunali boy; and the leader "First," another teenager from a species previously unknown to us. The Brunali was the oldest of the Borg kids, but First was so belligerent, I'm not surprised he was able to take over the group from the Brunali boy. First wanted their little group to assimilate us, but shades of Seven when she botched the job with Marika, P'Chan, and Lansor, they couldn't because they didn't know how. We found the butchered body of one failed assimilation when we woke up on the cube. Fortunately, it wasn't anyone we knew, because when we came to, Harry was missing from our Delta Flyer crew. Harry was still on the Delta Flyer, although we didn't know that at the time.

 

The drones contacted _Voyager_ and demanded Captain Janeway hand over our ship's deflector array, to enable them to contact the rest of the Collective. Their neural link to the Borg had been severed when their ship was damaged, and First wanted to send a message to the Borg to come get them. The captain sent over our resident Borg expert, Seven of Nine, formerly Tertiary Adjutant etc., etc., etc. to negotiate with them (a major surprise right there -- the Borg aren't big on negotiating). Seven was able to locate where the Borglets were holding Chakotay, Neelix, and me hostage. Although the captain came on board the cube for a while and tried to convince the children to come with her to _Voyager_ , First would not allow any of the Borg kids to leave. First threatened to kill his hostages if he didn't get our deflector array. We were going to be toast.

 

Seven got them to allow her to make repairs to the cube, which the immature drones were unable to do for themselves. While she was there, the maturation chamber of the sixth immature drone failed. Seven opened the chamber and transported a tiny infant female of unknown species to the Doc in Sickbay. The baby was in very bad shape when she got there.

 

While working on the cube's systems, Seven did a little poking around. First was suspicious, but since he hadn't a clue about how the cube functioned, he couldn't do much. She discovered the Collective _had_ received the initial distress call from the Borg kids. The immature drones were considered too damaged for the Borg to bother with, and they expected the Borglets to "terminate themselves" the way very damaged adult drones do. No Borg ship was coming to the rescue.

 

The kids couldn't decrypt the message, but when Seven told them what she'd found, First refused to believe her. The young girl dronelet found Harry, who was attempting to disengage their field generator, and First infected him with nanoprobes. This assimilation, like the nightmare one we discovered, was pretty half-assed. Harry had sprouted a few implants, but not at the speed an assimilation usually takes.

 

After he showed the captain what he was doing to Harry, First tried to tear away the deflector array from _Voyager_. That was going way too far. Captain Janeway lost what little patience she had with the kid. She ordered the tractor beam he was using on the deflector to be disrupted by a feedback pulse. The resulting explosion killed First. The surviving Borg kid's "Collective" cooperated with Seven after that. They're on _Voyager_ with us now. The Brunali teenager's name is Icheb. The Norcadian girl is Mezoti. The twin boys, species unknown, are called Azan and Rebi. The captain's placed the four of them in Seven's charge. I'm not sure what the captain's rationale for this is. Maybe the captain thinks they can grow up together? At least there are enough regeneration units for all of them in Cargo Bay 2. It's a good thing we never discarded the leftover units when the captain blew Seven's eight unimatrix cohorts out of the airlock. The kids will need them now. Seven has a unimatrix of sorts again now. I'd call it a family.

 

I visited Harry in Sickbay tonight. The Doc expects him to make a full recovery. The implants were all defective, which is why they didn't turn Harry into a drone. It was a simple matter for the Doc to remove them all, since none of them had become integral to Harry's body systems. The Doc also managed to save the infant's life, and she's still in Sickbay, too. We don't know what the captain will do with the little thing. She's not only still a little bit Borg, which means she may continue to need regeneration to some degree in order to survive, but she's a little baby. Who's going to want to take care of her? Seven will have her hands full with the four older ones.

 

After my visit with Harry was over, the Doc filled me in on his findings, since I'm his second in Sickbay. He found out why the adult drones died on the cube. A killer space virus infected them. The Borg kids were saved because they were protected by their maturation chambers. It's possible the chambers failed because of this virus, which works on cybernetic implants and equipment. Fortunately, Seven and the kids didn't pick it up while they were on the ship, and Harry didn't, either. Scary stuff.

 

I was scared myself while we were being held hostage. Seeing pieces of partially assimilated alien lying around was not comforting, and that kid First was a piece of work. Combining delusions of grandeur with just enough power to be dangerous is a very bad situation. I hope the remaining Borg kids can learn how to function like regular kids. It will certainly be good for Naomi to have other children around. Maybe she can teach them a thing or two about becoming an individual. It looks like we'll have the kids with us for a while. Maybe always.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53521.1_

The captain found someone to take care of "Littlest of Five," or "the Baby Borglet," as most of the crew called her. Marla Gilmore volunteered to foster the little girl until we either find her relatives or make another plan for her care. Marla's decided to name the little tyke Aimee.

 

The baby went "home" to Marla's quarters today. The Doc says the baby should be fine. Not many implants had formed yet, so unlike with Seven or the other four Borg kids, there weren't many for him to remove. She doesn't seem to need to regenerate, either. Sleeping seems to be working well enough for her. Aimee's primary problem was the respiratory issue Doc dealt with. Like any newborn, however, she'll need lots of attention for the next several years.

 

From what I can see, having Marla take care of little Aimee is going to help our ex- _Equinox_ crewmate feel better about herself, too. Marla has adjusted as well as can be expected to life on our ship, considering the way she came onto _Voyager_. Noah and Angelo have already told the captain they'd like to help Marla with babysitting, and I doubt Brian and Jim will want to be left out. Little Aimee will have a "mom" and up to four "godfathers." Caring for a newborn might keep all of them from dwelling too much about past misdeeds, or their murky futures.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53537.4_

Farewell, Fair Haven. At least, for a while.

 

The holographic townsfolk of our idyllic Irish burg are onto us. Somehow, they became aware we're not from "their Earth," and with the holodeck safeties off line, "Father Mulligan" (Doc), Harry and I were in real danger.

 

Our "Open Door" policy for Fair Haven is apparently to blame. Running the program nonstop caused their perceptual filters to malfunction and damaged subroutines in all of the characters. While they were supposed to be oblivious to anything which happened outside of the program's parameters, some of them, and after a while all of them, did become aware that something else was up and came to a very wrong conclusion about the visiting crew. The residents attributed little things like my prank of changing Maggie into a cow when Harry was about to kiss her to be witchcraft. We were "spirit folk," out to harm them. When the Doc, in his priestly guise, tried to stop them from hurting us, he was captured, too. When they took off his mobile emitter, his program was immediately downloaded into Fair Haven's, but that meant he was vulnerable to being destroyed if Captain Janeway chose to save us by deleting the entire program.

 

Fortunately, that didn't happen. For one thing, our crew has become attached to Fair Haven and didn't want it to disappear completely. And for another, those changes to Michael Sullivan made him a very savvy, not to mention rational guy. (I think I can refer to him that way. I think of him in much the same way as I do the Doc, even though Michael isn't quite as self-aware as our EMH is.) Michael took charge of the Doc's mobile emitter and went on his own little "away team mission" into _Voyager's_ corridors. He found his "Katie O'Clare" working in her everyday capacity as captain of the ship.

 

If Captain Janeway had told Michael the absolute truth about his existence, it might have been dicey. I don't really know how he would have taken it if he'd learned he was a photonic being we'd created and not a flesh and blood person. Thinking quickly, the captain told him we were from the future. We enjoyed having the chance to visit his fair town from time to time to relax. Then she took him on a tour of _Voyager_ , a vessel clearly far more advanced than any of his own time. Michael bought her explanation. He went back to the good townsfolk to reassure them we weren't "spirit folk" and were not dangerous after all. The Doc got his mobile emitter back, and they released us from custody. I have reprogramming work to do now, but I'll proceed carefully. I don't want to destroy something that gives our crew so much pleasure, if I can help it.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Personal Log Addendum:_

 

We shut down the program for several hours while B'Elanna and I completed the necessary repair work. The crew can continue to visit Fair Haven, but only intermittently from now on. Running any program 24 hours a day for an extended period appears to be dangerous. The captain did some research and discovered _Enterprise_ had a problem with a Moriarity character from a Sherlock Holmes-type of program several years ago. They dealt with it by creating a program within a program. We've taken a different tack.

 

B'Elanna was in favor of wiping the memories of all the characters back to the way I'd programmed them originally, but I convinced her we didn't have make that radical a fix. Maybe it seems crazy, Personal Log, but I couldn't go along with this. "Katie O'Clare" told Michael we weren't any danger to the people of his town. If we destroyed their memories of what had happened here, I think we would have made a liar of her.

 

I also didn't want to change Michael back to the person I originally created. The captain needs her friend to be the way he is now. He's an erudite man. One might say speaking with him is a bit like having a conversation with Yeats, Joyce, or Sean O'Casey. All of those real Irish authors may have contributed to his matrix when it was revised by that person -- and who am I kidding? Everyone knows it was Captain Janeway. Thanks to the way she handled his discovery of _Voyager_ , the captain preserved Michael's sense of self. She never told him he was a hologram.

 

We have a holographic doctor who's expanded his programming to sing opera well enough to become a sensation on a planet that was previously unaware of music. He takes photographs, interacts with the crew, plays the traditional physician's recreational sport of golf, and even paints a little (very badly, although he doesn't seem to think so). He's even saved the ship a couple of times. All of these accomplishments are far outside the parameters of his original EMH program matrix. To me, Michael is more like the Doc than he is the rest of Fair Haven's people. I didn't want to lose Michael either.

 

We've met our share of photonic creatures on our homeward journey, including Dejaren (the murderer) and the more upstanding photonic beings that Doctor Chaotica warred with in the Captain Proton program. If photonics become self-aware to any degree, don't they deserve to have a life, even an intermittent one? In a way, the captain wasn't lying to Michael when she said we were travelers from the future who came to his town for some R and R. Isn't that exactly what we _are_ doing when we leave the 24 th century behind to spend a couple of pleasant hours in our early 20th century version of an Irish village?

 

When the captain entered the holodeck before we took the program off-line to fix it, she was carrying a book. After B'Elanna and I had finished our repairs, I asked the captain about it. She said she'd given Michael a copy of Mark Twain's _A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court._ What a great idea! It suits the period of the program, since Twain first published it in 1889, and it slyly reinforces what the captain told him about us. He'd presented her with a book, too: Edmund Spenser's _The Faerie Queene._ Again, very appropriate! She had a copy of the book on her ready room desk when we spoke, after B'Elanna and I finished the repairs. After she'd left the program, the captain replicated a copy, with the inscription Michael had written to her on its flyleaf. She admitted she wanted a souvenir of her time with him. Then she hesitantly asked me, "Will Michael remember our exchange of volumes?" I assured her he would, because we shouldn't lose what was best about the program just because of a few glitches. She was relieved.

 

I was relieved, too. The captain deserves a good friend who is outside the chain of her command. Who cares if he's a photonic kind of guy? As I know from my relationship with my occasional adversary and good friend the Doc, photonic friends can be "besties," too.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53618.8_

It was a long two weeks away from B'Elanna, but at least we had a successful trip. Chakotay, Harry, Neelix and I managed to scan fifteen planets in fourteen days, and we came back a winner. The hold of the Delta Flyer was overflowing with the deuterium we found! B'Elanna was delighted with our haul. She showed me she missed me, too, because she gave me a present. While we were away, B'Elanna built me a genuine (imitation) mid-1950's television! Okay, maybe she went out of period when she gave me a remote control, too. That innovation came much later, but it's certainly a big convenience. B'Elanna did a great job programming the TV, too. She stuffed it with a bunch of ancient television programs: _The Untouchables. Superman. The Honeymooners._ Movies, too, like _Singing in the Rain, Bonnie and Clyde, All Quiet on the Western Front, The Searchers,_ and, of course, _The Quiet Man_.

 

We'll be settling down before the ol' tube right after dinner tonight. I don't know what I want to watch first. It's an embarrassment of riches! B'Elanna sure knows the way to my heart!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53622.2_

I don't know what's happening to us, except it isn't anything good.

 

I was watching an old war movie on the TV. I guess I must have fallen asleep. I dreamed of being in a battle myself. Not the kind I'm usually in on _Voyager_ , though, with me at the helm running evasive maneuvers. It was more like the old war movie I'd been watching, except I was a participant in a wartime atrocity. It seemed so real, I felt drained when I woke up.

 

At first, I didn't think much about it. It was a bad dream, nothing more. But then I found out Harry, Chakotay, and Neelix had been having visions very much like mine, and with the same leader, a guy named Saavdra, directing us. We all dreamed of the annihilation of eighty-two unarmed civilians. Women and children, too, not just men. Not soldiers in a fair fight. How can we all remember the same thing, if we didn't actually do it? Are these delusions? According to Doc, our engrams suggest they're really memories. I hate to think the four of us could do something like this and then forget about it, even for a little while. I'm a very unhappy guy right now. Harry, Chakotay, and Neelix are all having a rough time, too.

 

The captain has decided to retrace our away team's journey. She wants find out what really happened. If we did do what we remember doing, will we have to face charges in front of an alien court? Please, God, let it be hallucinations, not reality. I've got enough dead people on my conscience already. I don't need any more.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53625.8_

We've solved the mystery. We didn't kill anyone here on Tarakis, no matter what our fractured memories might be telling us.

 

When _Voyager_ entered one of the systems we'd scanned from the Delta Flyer, that's when it happened. As soon as the image of the second planet appeared on our view screen, the captain started having visions of the same massacre as the Delta Flyer's away team. Now, the captain hasn't left the ship for several weeks. There's no way she was involved with whatever we were remembering. The rest of the crew, most of whom had also not been off the ship in weeks or even months, also was experiencing these visions. Even Icheb went to Seven about the murders he "committed" here. There had to be another explanation.

 

When we transported down to the surface of Tarakis, we found evidence that a massacre _HAD_ occurred here, but a very long time in the past. The remains Tuvok found date from at least three hundred years ago. Upon further investigation, the captain and Chakotay discovered a large structure which was transmitting the visions to us. They may have been true memories from the men who had inflicted the killings, but they weren't ours. The thing caused anyone who entered this system to re-experience that terrible event, when soldiers went into a panic when they thought they were being attacked. They fired upon the innocent civilians they were supposed to be rescuing and killed every one of them. After the ensuing cover-up was exposed, this building was constructed as a "never forget" type of memorial, to prevent others from making the same kind of tragic mistake.

 

Unfortunately, over time, the power cells in the building had deteriorated. The message the memorial was meant to convey was no longer getting through in the way its builders intended. The captain decided to fix the memorial, so the victims of the attack could be memorialized as they were meant to be. Our crew recharged the power cells, and the transmitter should continue to be active for centuries to come. We also left communication buoys around this system, to warn other travelers of the true nature of any visions they received from the structure. The buoys include the message we found carved into the wall of the structure:

 

"Words alone cannot convey the suffering. Words alone cannot prevent what happened from happening again. Beyond words lies experience. Beyond experience lies truth. Make this truth your own."

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53668.2_

The Doc likes to think he's a miracle worker. Seven's nanoprobes brought Neelix back to life seventeen hours or so after he was killed, which freaked him out but eventually cured him. But neither of them ever did what the people called the Kobali achieved.

 

Lyndsay Ballard came back! She's alive! And she's not a Borg, or a zombie, or any other undead creature. Actually, she's very much alive, even if she doesn't look much like she did before she was killed by a Hirogen booby-trap while on a "routine" away mission with Harry.

 

She came back to _Voyager_ , but now she looks very alien. She has no hair, and her skin resembles Neelix's more than it does a human being's. Lyndsay told us when she woke up, she thought at first she'd just been comatose. The people who rescued her showed her the photon torpedo casing we'd used to bury her. The Kobali reproduce by salvaging the bodies of the dead of other races. Usually, the resurrected never remember the old life they'd lived from before they were chosen to live again. Lyndsay did remember, however, and she bided her time until she could steal a shuttle to return to _Voyager_. And now, here she is. At first the captain was skeptical that it was the real Lyndsay, but she related several facts about her last mission that only Harry had known before. He has no doubt. She's the real Lyndsay Ballard.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Personal Log Addendum_

 

The Doc did some genetic resequencing and cosmetic restoration work on Lyndsay, and now, even though her physiology is more Kobali than human, at least she looks like her old self. Harry's delighted to get her back. He's always had feelings of a tender nature for her, although Lyndsay never seemed to realize he had romance on his mind and not just friendship. Who knows? Maybe they'll finally hit it off. Harry Kim having a romance with an attainable woman? Now that would be a refreshing change!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate53679.9_

 

Today we lost Lyndsay Ballard for a second time. Not to death, this time. For a while, Lyndsay resumed her life on _Voyager,_ but then her Kobali "father" Q'ret came back for her. He brought some muscle the second time he demanded her return. I think we could have gotten away if we really wanted to, but by this time, we knew Lyndsay was having second thoughts. If she had really entered into a relationship with Harry, would her father have insisted she leave him? I don't know what would have happened then, but those Kobali genes were so very effective at resurrecting again, back into a Kobali. Lyndsay's body rejected the Doc's restoration work. She could no longer enjoy the foods she had loved when she was all human. After several days on _Voyager_ , she decided she now was a Kobali after all.

 

Harry, of course, was devastated. He told me he thought her coming back was a waste. Lyndsay, or perhaps I should call her by her new name, Jhet'leya, took the broader view. When she was killed by the Hirogen, she'd never had the chance to say good-bye to him. She died on the shuttle when he brought her home to _Voyager_. At least this time, by trying to relive life with us, Lyndsay was able to accept her old life was her past, not her future. She finally said good-bye to her good friend and could-have-been lover, Harry Kim.

 

I will try to help Harry get over her. I did once before, when she was first lost, but that time I felt guilty. I'd encouraged him to "get friendly" with Lyndsay, never realizing myself his true, deep feelings for her. I'd tried to set them up to help him stay out of hopeless love relationships. How could I know she would come back and be one of the most hopeless loves of his life?

 

One good thing may still come from this flying visit by the former Lyndsay Ballard. We sent Jhet'leya to her father Q'ret with the records of everyone who's lost their life on _Voyager_ over the past five years, along with information about the disposition of their remains. The earliest of the lost, like Kurt Bendera, for instance, may be too far gone for the Kobali to reanimate them. However, some, such as the three we lost when the _Equinox_ attacked us (Joanna Tyler, Sherim Khan, and Doran Joss), and maybe the ex-Borg Marika Wilkarah, might have a chance to be resurrected. Q'ret thanked us for the information and said it's worth a try. He'll look for the bodies to see what, if anything, can be done for them. In the long run, thanks to Lyndsay's quest to return to _Voyager_ , perhaps he'll also have more people to add to the Kobali numbers.

 

He was angry at us when he first arrived, looking for his Jhet'leya. By the time she left with him, he seemed to understand she really needed this closure about her past life, her _kyn'steya_. His daughter will be far more content with her life than she would have been if she retained any illusions about returning to _Voyager_. And if any of our crewmates can be resurrected by Q'ret's people, her return would not be a waste to them. I'm sure Harry will eventually see it that way. Right now, he's hurting too much to see it.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53698.2_

We held the First Annual _Voyager_ Science Fair today. B'Elanna said she was very impressed by several of the entries. Naomi made a model of her father's world, with animated weather patterns. Mezoti's entry was a Tairenian ant colony, built inside a cube. The drone ants glowed because the queen was nearby. B'Elanna laughed at the captain's reaction. "I thought we were trying to get the children away from the Borg!" Mezoti said she "likes bugs," so the captain had to accept it!

 

The twins, Azan and Rebi, wanted to clone Naomi (one Naomi to be a girlfriend for each of them? I don't know if Naomi is ready, but maybe the twins are). Seven convinced them to clone red-skin potatoes instead.

 

Icheb was the star, however. He managed to construct a high resolution gravimetric sensor array, which should enable us to detect neutrino fluxes better. In other words, he built us a wormhole detector. Seven told the command crew the engineering principles are sound. After Chakotay and B'Elanna were given a more detailed explanation of what he'd done, B'Elanna agreed with Seven's assessment. "Icheb is getting to be a real asset to us," B'Elanna remarked. Too bad we're not going to have him around for much longer. Harry told me he's forwarded messages between the captain and the Brunali homeworld. I was instructed to change course right after Harry told me this. Icheb's parents are alive and on the planet. And they want him back.

 

I haven't heard if Seven and Icheb know about this yet. It's going to be tough on both of them when they do know. I hope the transition goes smoothly.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53702.2_

We're in synchronous orbit over Brunal. The initial meeting with Icheb's parents didn't go well, I understand. He says he doesn't remember anything about his childhood, including his parents, and he wants to stay on _Voyager_. He loves working in Astrometrics. The Brunali are capable of space flight, but thanks to the Borg's destroying almost all of their spacecraft and their desire to limit their flights in their remaining ships to avoid attracting the Borg's attention, Icheb is likely to be planet bound if he does stay here.

 

Knowing the captain as I do, I don't think he's going to get much choice. She's determined to find the families of all the children and return them to their care, to allow them to grow up in their own cultures. Icheb's parents want him, so I think it's a foregone conclusion. He stays.

If anyone is as upset as Seven is about this turn of events, it's Marla Gilmore. She was sitting with little Aimee on her lap in the mess hall this morning. Her eyes were all red from crying. B'Elanna and I went over and had breakfast with her. Really, we went over to comfort her. Marla loves the little tyke so much. As far as Aimee can possibly understand, Marla _is_ her mother. To separate them now would be cruel, but if we find Aimee's relations, I'm sure the captain will turn the baby over to them. Marla knows it, too. She said she hopes we're heading away from Aimee's people, whoever they are -- we still haven't identified Aimee's race -- but I'm afraid we won't be that lucky. This area of space has been a happy hunting ground for the Borg for many years. There's a transwarp conduit entrance less than a light year away, and our scans of the surface show Brunal has been attacked often in the past few decades. Chances are way too good the baby's parents _are_ from this part of the Delta Quadrant.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53708.4_

Icheb made his choice. He's staying with his parents Yifay and Leucon. They showed him an alternate path for his scientific interests. Apparently the Brunali have very sophisticated genetic resequencing capabilities, which are necessary for them to create plant life that can live in the cruddy conditions the Borg have left to them on their planet. He's ready to resume the life he probably would have lived if he'd never been taken from his parents by the Borg.

 

Somehow, I can't see Icheb being happy living the life of a farmer, even one who shuffles the genes of the plants he cultivates. Seven considered his desire to keep up with his astronomical studies, however. She sent him down to the planet with a library full of PADDs on all sorts of subjects. She even included a high resolution telescope. It's no substitute for our astrometric scanners, obviously, but at least he'll still be able to see more of the stars than he can with his eyes alone from his front porch. I wish his family well.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53714.5_

I just read over my last few log entries. Boy, was I wrong about Yifay and Leucon, the Brunali parents of Icheb.

 

They knew a lot about genetic resequencing, that's for sure, and not just in plants. Enough to program the capacity to create a pathogen to destroy the Borg's cybernetic implants right into their son. Icheb wasn't taken by the Borg by accident. His parents sent him towards the transwarp conduit entrance in a little ship, doctored up to look like it could travel at Warp 9.8, to entice the Borg into taking him. Once they captured Icheb and assimilated him, the pathogen was released to kill all the adult Borg running around their vessel. So now we know the entire story about that Borg cube we encountered in the Delta Flyer, and why only the handful of "neonatal" drones were alive on that vessel. Icheb had no idea he was the cause of all those deaths. He had no choice in the matter, either. His parents undoubtedly drugged him and shut him up inside the space capsule of death. We know, because they did it a second time, after we brought him back to live with them again. All those promises about his future were complete and total lies.

 

We might never have known enough to go back if not for Mezoti. She couldn't "regenerate" (A.K.A. sleep, but with juice running through her remaining Borg appliances to refresh them, too). She woke up Seven because she missed Icheb. While the two were talking about him, Mezoti spilled to Seven that Icheb was taken from a ship several months ago, not four years ago from the surface of the planet, the way Leucon told it. Sure enough, when Seven studied the tactical data node entry about Icheb's assimilation and the dates of Borg attacks on Brunal over the past decade, Leucon's spiel didn't hold up. Mezoti's story did. We went back to the planet, and Icheb wasn't there. He was in a spacecraft, headed straight for the conduit opening. The parents were using him to attack the Borg again.

 

The parents' plan would have worked, too, if we hadn't intervened. A Borg vessel grabbed Icheb's craft, and _Voyager_ , too, but Seven suggested we use Harry's trick from several months ago. After transporting Icheb out, we transported an armed photon torpedo inside his spacecraft. Once the Borg's tractor beam pulled his craft into the cube, the torpedo exploded. The crippled Borg vessel released _Voyager_ from its tractor beam. We hightailed it away from the explosion just ahead of the shockwave and went to warp. The Borg ship was in no condition to pursue, so we were okay. We got away.

 

So those loving parents Yifay and Leucon raised their son to be a weapon, and when they miraculously got him back, they used him as a weapon _again_. What sort of parent does something like that even once? To do it twice is so mind-boggling, I don't even _want_ to think about it. My dad was strict, but I can't believe he could even _imagine_ doing that to his son.

 

Was pulling Icheb out of there a violation of the Prime Directive? I get that the Brunali are desperate and have few avenues when it comes to fighting the Borg, but I can't believe rescuing a child from a horrendous fate like this could be questioned by even the strictest admiral's definition of the Prime Directive. I hope I'm not wrong about this. For any admiral or politician to be so callous boggles the mind. His parents told the captain they wanted their son back because they loved him and wanted to raise him in Brunali ways. If this is the Brunali way, then as far as I'm concerned, the Borg can assimilate the rest of them.

 

I guess that's not fair. Most of the Brunali may care deeply about their kids and want to protect them. Sacrificing one of their own kind to deliver a biological agent to destroy the Borg might even be a feasible thing to do. A couple of years ago we met up with a people who had just done something like this. That time, a group of adults agreed to sacrifice themselves by allowing themselves to be assimilated. Since they were carrying a viral agent in their bodies, it infected the viniculum of the Borg cube and killed the drones on board. Since the Borg often go back to retrieve equipment from destroyed cubes, the people hoped the virus would spread to other Borg vessels.  I can understand and honor the people that did that to save their people. But a _KID??_ To drug a child and use him in this way, without telling him ahead of time to let him have any say in whether or not he'll do it, that is totally beyond my comprehension. The crazy thing is, Seven says Icheb might have agreed, if they'd bothered to ask him. I'm glad they didn't, and that things turned out the way they did.

 

You know, the ironic thing is, if the Brunali simply introduced that pathogen-creating genetic sequence into their entire population and made everyone a carrier, they wouldn't have to send an innocent child into the Borg's path. If the Borg ever came back and assimilated anyone at all from their planet, the pathogen would be released into the Hive by the Borg's own rapaciousness. That sort of passive introduction of the viral agent is something I could accept, I guess, even though some would still end up being sacrificed. But to send in your child . . . .

 

Sorry, Personal Log. I know I'm rambling on about this, but any child's life is too precious to waste so wantonly. Callously. There's that word again. I can totally understand Seven's bitterness towards her own parents for not taking better care of her, and this is just so much worse. It's very hard for me to believe, let alone accept.

 

After receiving Seven's permission, I spoke to Icheb last night. It's going to take him time to deal with all of this, and I want to help him any way I can. I told Icheb pretty much what I'd told Seven when she first came on board, and later, told the _Equinox_ refugees: if I could help him adjust to _Voyager_ and what's happened in any way, he should just ask me. He didn't say anything right away, but then he gave me that little smile of his and said he wouldn't mind some flying lessons. So I'm going to go to the captain and get her permission to start him on some simulations on the holodeck. Once he's proven he knows what he's doing (which I don't expect to take more than once or twice), I'll take him out in the Flyer. He should learn how to pilot a shuttle, no matter what he chooses to do in the future.

 

Maybe someday Icheb will want to study a Starfleet Academy curriculum. Before we found his parents, Icheb had discussed the possibility with Tuvok after learning our Vulcan tactical officer used to teach at the Academy. If he does, I'd be happy to give him flight training. Tom Paris, Academy instructor (Distant Learner status). It's got a nice ring to it, doesn't it, Personal Log?

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53736.9_

We had another one of "those" things happen today. We had an encounter with a former shipmate I've often wished had never left. I had a weird feeling I was glad I didn't see her face-to-face this time, though. Temporal paradoxes. Temporal displacement. It was definitely a Temporal something, and I have a hunch it was better whatever happened in the past didn't happen this time. This present?

 

(Oh, man, I do understand those headaches of the captain's now. No way to say it right, is there?)

 

Anyway, Kes came back. I think. I didn't see her in person, like I said, but I would have loved to have seen how she was doing. She looked older when she contacted us, of course. She's about seven years old now, and that's getting up there for an Ocampa. Maybe I need to go back to the beginning. The beginning I know about, that is.

 

I was at the helm when a small ship, a little smaller than the Delta Flyer, hailed us. I knew that voice. It was still as warm and soft as hot chocolate. It was Kes, much older than she was when we last saw her. She identified herself, and then asked the captain if she could come aboard. I expected the captain to reply immediately in the affirmative. And that's when it got weird.

 

Captain Janeway hesitated. I looked back and saw her exchange glances with Tuvok. He had that upraised eyebrow you see in Vulcans some times in one of "those looks." She turned back to the viewscreen and gave Kes permission to come aboard. As soon as the communication broke off, however, the captain ordered a warp core shutdown, increased shields to maximum, and ordered the evacuation of Engineering. When the shuttle crashed into us, _Voyager_ sustained damage, but nowhere as bad as it would have been if the captain hadn't ordered those precautions.

 

Tuvok and the captain got up from their stations on the bridge and didn't come back for over an hour. When they did come back, a shuttle with Kes aboard flew away. According to the captain, she's bound for Ocampa, many thousands of light years away from our current position. I found out later that Kes spoke to no one, other than (presumably) the captain and Tuvok. Neelix was upset because he didn't even know she had been here.

 

Once back in the command chair, Captain Janeway checked on the progress of the repairs to Deck 11. As soon as B'Elanna said the ship was repaired sufficiently for us to proceed, the captain ordered me to resume course towards the Alpha Quadrant.

 

How could the captain possibly have known Kes' shuttle would crash into Deck 11, damaging several sections, if it hadn't "happened before?" She had to have expected something like that for her to give out those orders. And why wouldn't Kes be in contact with Neelix or anyone else she'd been friendly with while she lived on _Voyager?_ One of those "temporal disruption/timeline resets" we were talking about months ago on "Woolgathering Night" is the only possible explanation. The captain couldn't risk any more contamination of the timeline.

 

And since my B'Elanna works on Deck 11 and was there when Kes first contacted us, I don't want to even think about what might have happened if the captain hadn't acted as she did.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53767.1_

The captain was going to be the "Good Shepherd" and rescue her lost lambs from languishing in mediocrity, not to mention becoming the subjects of Seven's wrath. It almost turned out to be "Janeway's Last Mission." And where would all of us be if we lost her?

 

Seven had completed an audit of the entire ship, its personnel, and its operations. Some departments did fairly well. Navigation did okay, for example. (I'm patting myself on the back, which doesn't show in you, Personal Log, unless I write it up. Which I'm doing right now.) Anyway, B'Elanna wasn't pleased when Seven accused her of not using her Engineering staff "efficiently." Seven cited Mortimer Harren, he of the five advanced degrees in Cosmology and the slouchy work habits, as one who should be handling more responsibility. B'Elanna countered that whenever she did give him more responsibility, he failed to complete the task she'd assigned him. Mortimer prefers to hang out on Deck 15, working on his theories about the origin of the universe and doing only the minimum (and sometimes even flubbing that). William Telfer, security officer of under-par excellence, never goes on an away mission because he always finds a medical excuse to beg off at the last minute. He's a hypochondriac, in other words. And Seven cannot be proud that in her own department, Tal Celes, a grade-3 sensor analyst, can't analyze anything on her own. Seven admits she has to check over Tal's work every single time she gives her an assignment.

 

To Captain Janeway, this was a challenge. She was going to take those misfits out on an away mission and whip them into shape in no time! Instead, after the Flyer failed to make scheduled check-ins per protocol, we found the shuttle floating near a gas giant without any propulsion or navigational ability, and with the crew unconscious.

 

It turns out the captain actually did do some good for them. Since they got back, Tal seems much more confident than she was, enough to request a transfer from Astrometrics to working in one of the science labs, which will probably suit her better. Higher math isn't her strong point, but she's good with hands-on science and experiments.

 

Billy Telfer visited the Doc while I was there and told him about the alien critter who got inside his body. The funny thing is, now that something bad really _has_ happened to him on an away mission, he says he's not so afraid of getting hurt. Survival seems to have been the analgesic he needed. I hope so, because the captain's already told me I have to include him on my next away mission. I think she wants to send our misfits out one at a time from now on. Probably would have been a good idea from the get-go, actually.

 

Harren is still a bit of an odd duck, but he did have a discussion with B'Elanna about his duties. He will continue to work on Deck 15 for a couple of shifts a week, but B'Elanna has made it clear to him that she wants him to work the rest of the time on other engineering projects. And she expects him to finish his projects from now on. We'll see. I just hope the captain doesn't want me to take him on any future away missions, too. After his obnoxious reaction to me when I tried to socialize with him in the mess hall, I'll need proof he's turned over a new leaf before I'll be happy to take him Out There. Theories are all wonderful, but in the Delta Quadrant, you need to be able to transfer those theories into practical applications or nothing good happens.

 

I kinda wish I'd had a chance to observe those dark matter critters, though. Anything that can knock Mortimer Harren on his theoretical keister is all right by me.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53771.2_

Finally, contact from Project Pathfinder! Today they opened up communications with us again. I'd like to say it was totally wonderful to hear from them, and it mostly was wonderful, but there is a glitch. Thanks to that contact, I'm now Chief Medical Officer on _Voyager_ for the next month. More shifts in Sickbay. Fewer shifts at the helm for over a month. I'm not happy, I can tell you that. The only bright spot is that I'm not going have to worry about the Doc breathing down my neck while I work on anyone. He's going to be gone for a month. Our EMH gets to go home again to the Alpha Quadrant while the rest of us still take the slow boat home.

 

Really, I'm not as put out as I'm making it sound. When we received the compressed data stream, we found out that the Doc's creator, Dr. Zimmerman, is dying. Our Doc has learned a lot of new things about medicine out here in the Delta Quadrant. He hopes he'll be able to help his creator beat whatever bug is bothering him. From the symptoms described in the message from Lieutenant Barclay, the Doc thinks the condition might be related in some way to the Phage. Since he was able to treat Dr. Denara Pel successfully, he thinks he might have more luck curing Dr. Zimmerman than the Alpha Quadrant doctors have had. It's worth a shot, anyway.

 

He wasn't too happy when B'Elanna had to remove his extra algorithms, including his opera singing capability and his -- ahem -- "improvements" to permit sexual relations. However, since he was willing to give them up for even a month, how can I be unwilling to take over in Sickbay for him for that amount of time? I can't be that small-minded. I gave him my promise to follow the Hippocratic Oath to my utmost ability, at the cost of my first-born son if I don't, etc. Seriously, I gave him my blessing. He left this afternoon.

 

Now I just hope the most serious thing that happens to any of the crew during the next month is a hangnail.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53814.7_

I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, especially with me in charge of Sickbay when it happened. We found out about Aimee's heritage. Marla is a wreck. I can't say anyone on board _Voyager_ is feeling good about this, but we have to do the right thing. We're headed towards the folks who know about her mother's family. I was at the helm earlier, plotting a course, but now I'm in Sickbay dealing with a seriously depressed mother.

 

It started with Icheb's Biology assignment. I was supposed to be the one giving lessons in Biology while the Doc was away. He'd forgotten to tell me about that particular duty when he briefed me before he left. I wonder what he would have said if I _had_ been the one to teach Biology to the children while he was gone.  ("You, Mr. Paris, giving biology lessons? I shudder to think exactly what _SORT_ of biology you would be teaching them when your primary area of expertise is Sex Education!")

 

I'd have done fine. I know lots about other areas of Biology, even if Sex Education would be kind of fun . . . . Anyway. I made a deal with Icheb. He was willing to provide lessons to Naomi and the other Borg kids in exchange for extra credit -- or I guess it would fall under Independent Study in Biology -- so he could continue to explore genetics on his own. In return, I would also give him lessons in flying evasive maneuvers. It was a great deal. Icheb spent more time on his part of the bargain, since he had four kids to teach, while I only had to work with Icheb on something I love to do anyway.

 

Last week he handed out a variety of homework assignments. The one he gave to Naomi and Rebi had to do with genetics, which isn't surprising, since that's the subject Icheb loves to work on whenever he isn't drooling over astronomical phenomenon. Mezoti and Azan were decrypting any data, especially biological information, they could retrieve from a partially corrupted tactical data node salvaged from the "Children's Collective" Borg cube. Icheb couldn't have known that both projects would prove to be so devastating to Marla Gilmore and Aimee.

 

Multispecies hybrids almost always need a little resequencing help, since it's extremely rare two differing humanoid species can reproduce without such assistance. Naomi noticed that one DNA sample had the sort of regularities consistent with such genetic engineering. If she'd been looking at her own sample, or B'Elanna's, it wouldn't have been remarkable. But this one belonged to little Aimee Gilmore.

 

And with that information, Mezoti and Azan reviewed the records of a couple who were assimilated by the Borg vessel shortly before Icheb's capture. The male and female were of differing species, and the female was pregnant. Neither parent survived assimilation, but the fetus was recovered and placed in a Borg maturation chamber. From the timing, and since there were no other babies that young in a maturation chamber on the cube, Aimee clearly was their child. The kids were all excited. They'd solved the mystery of Aimee's heritage! What that might mean to Marla completely escaped them.

 

The captain did what she said she'd do. She disseminated this information about the DNA sample, along with the image of Aimee, to all ships in the area. Almost immediately, we received word from a Felleri trading vessel. Their medic recognized the DNA information and thought he knew one of Aimee's races of origin. The baby's face is narrow for a Bardarean, he said, but otherwise, she looks a lot like them. So we're headed in their direction now. It's not far off course from the spot we have to be to rendezvous with the Doc when he's sent back to us via Pathfinder. Unfortunately, that means we'll have time to deliver little Aimee to at least one of her home worlds before picking up the Doc. I wish he'd be here before Marla has to give her up. I know my duty; and I'll be there in Sickbay when it happens; but I'm not looking forward to it.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53822.2_

It's party time! Aimee gets to stay! Marla has permission to adopt her little love! All's well that ends well! Now I'm glad I was still in charge of Sickbay when it happened!

 

The official logs contain the details, so I'll be brief. We had to make a couple of stops before we got to the station where we were supposed to make contact with the Bardareans. The station master turned out to be Aimee's grandmother. That's not as hard to believe as it seems, because the Bardareans are about as xenophobic as they come. Just about the only place they go where they can meet any outsider at all is on that station, and Aimee's father's people, the Shellisti, are even more xenophobic than the Bardareans. That's the only place _they_ go to make trades.

 

Lehthea, the grandmother, lived on the station for years with her daughter. They had far more contact with the outside galaxy than most of their people. Dehlea fell in love with Davon, a Shellisti trader. Love surpassed all they'd been taught about the fear of the "other." Last year they ran away because their relationship would never be sanctioned by either of their peoples.

 

Lehthea was despondent to learn her only child was dead, but she felt even worse about what might happen to her granddaughter if she did bring her home to the station, and later on, to Bardarea. She told us her people would call Aimee an abomination, and she implied lack of acceptance might not be the worst thing the child would face. She asked the captain if she could find a good home for her granddaughter, one where she would be accepted for who she was and not rejected by everyone around her because she wasn't purely Bardarean.

 

You can imagine, Personal Log, how this was literally music to Marla Gilmore's ears. She said all the right things, too. How Marla had always felt Aimee was "the same people" as Marla; that she loved and would always cherish Aimee as her very own child. After the captain explained our journey home would take Aimee far away from Bardarea, probably forever, Lehthea still agreed to allow Marla to adopt her granddaughter. When she asked what Aimee's name meant (beloved) and learned Marla was the one who'd given her that name, Lehthea said she was even more certain Marla was the right person to mother the baby.

 

Before she left, Lehthea gave us data chips with medical and cultural information on the Bardareans and what little was known about the Shellisti. It's great to have reference material to consult whenever little Aimee gets sick, not to mention having some idea of what normal development should be for her. We'll be able to see if Aimee's progressing the way she should as she grows. I'm sure the Doc will appreciate it when he gets back, too.

 

We had an impromptu party in the mess hall after Lehthea left. Everyone was happy Aimee was going to stay with Marla, but I think the happiest of all was Naomi. She felt terrible when she realized what her discovery about Aimee's DNA could mean. Since Aimee's only known living relative has given permission for Marla to adopt Aimee, it's actually better the truth has been discovered. Marla no longer has to worry she'll have to give up Aimee someday.

 

It was a great party. B'Elanna and I had our own party in my quarters afterwards, just the two of us. There is one person I feel sorry for, though, and that's Lehthea. She went back to her vigil on her station alone, having to deal with the knowledge she'll never see her daughter or her granddaughter ever again. Lehthea said she admired our ability to love someone who was not of the "same people." If her culture gave her the chance, I'm sure Lehthea would have loved little Aimee, too, despite her mixed heritage. But the Bardarean people as a whole aren't ready for that, according to Lehthea. And from what I saw of the other people on that station when we contacted them, I'd say she's right about that. How sad.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53830.2_

Thanks to Sam Wildman's covering for me in Sickbay for the past few days, I was able to get away with Neelix on a short away mission in the Delta Flyer. He was looking for mold, of all things. We were wandering through this cave system and met up with a couple of clerics, a Sister Dala and a Brother Mobar. They're trying to care for a group of orphans, but when we offered to contribute something towards their work, they said they'd prefer to make a trade. Apparently just accepting offerings is against the principles of their deities. Neelix traded for a new (well, really old but reconditioned) heating coil for his stove on _Voyager_.

 

Before we left, we gave them a good meal on the Flyer. Feeding them seemed the least we could do under the circumstances. They blessed us and wished us well on our journey. It felt good to help out the orphans. Neelix thinks we're still feeling the glow from having Aimee Gilmore's situation settled. Maybe he's right. I know it made me happy to do something nice for them.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53843.4_

 

We were at the rendezvous today to receive the datastream from the Pathfinder Project. There weren't any letters from home this time. The entire compressed datastream consisted of the Doc, back home on _Voyager_ , safe and sound, to my very great relief. After reporting to the captain, the Doc's next stop was Sickbay, where he insisted B'Elanna come to him _RIGHT AWAY_ to restore to his matrix all the special auxiliary programs he's accumulated over the years, such as opera singing, grand master chess, and of course, the ability to enjoy himself some nooky.

 

(I'm ashamed of myself for that last crack. But I'm leaving it in, Personal Log. Like, who else is ever going to know I can still be that crass????)

 

Anyway, his mission appears to have been successful. He was able to treat Dr. Zimmerman, who was well on the way to recovery by the time Doc left Jupiter Station on route to Earth for his return trip to _Voyager_. Dr. Zimmerman suffered from acute subcellular degradation, which is similar to the early stages of the Vidiian Phage. As the Doc suspected, he was able to utilize his experience treating Dr. Pel for the Phage in devising a treatment for his creator. Perhaps "father" is just as good a term for Dr. Zimmerman's relationship to our Doc. Our EMH's face was made in Dr. Zimmerman's image. That may be one reason Dr. Zimmerman is so sensitive about what happened to the other Mark-1 EMH holograms.

 

At first things didn't go well. Since Dr. Zimmerman had been seen by a plethora of Alpha Quadrant doctors, including Mark-2, Mark-3, and Mark-4 models of his own design, none of whom could help him, he didn't see why a mere Mark-1 (our EMH) could possibly do anything for him. Mark-1's are the "inferior program" and reportedly have been relegated to waste-transfer barge duty in the Alpha Quadrant.

 

An old friend of Lieutenant Reginald Barclay's, Deanna Troi, who is the counselor on _Enterprise_ , was called in to intervene. In fact, Lt. Barclay was still there, too. He was the one who asked my father to request the Doc come over the datastream to treat Dr. Zimmerman. (I think just about everyone on this ship is jealous the Doc was able to meet our hero, Lieutenant Reginald Barclay, or "Reg," as the Doc calls him, in the flesh. I know I am. The only exception is probably Captain Janeway, since she met him once at a conference, years ago. She said he's kind of weird, not that it matters much to us, after he risked everything to contact us using the MIDAS Array.) The Doc was kind of vague about how he finally was able to get through to Dr. Zimmerman so he could treat him. There's probably more of a story there, but I'll have to be patient and dig it out of the Doc a little bit at a time. I'll work on it.

 

The Doc did tell me about some of the folks he met while he was in the Alpha Quadrant. At Jupiter Station, Doc met his "older sister Haley," another hologram who serves as Dr. Zimmerman's assistant. And there's a holographic pet, too, an iguana named Leonard. At the Pathfinder Project, he met most of the staff, including "Reg's" boss, Commander Pete Harkins, and Harkins' boss. My father.

 

I groaned when the Doc told me that. I could just imagine what he'd told my father about me, if the Doc was in a curmudgeonly mood at the time they visited. The Doc assured me he "kept to the positive instead of being wholly truthful" about me. Wonderful. Then he relented and said my father was "pathetically eager" to find out everything about me, and about how I was really doing. When we first were contacted by Pathfinder, Captain Janeway sent logs, maps, records, and letters that were marked for delivery upon contact with the Alpha Quadrant. That included my letter to Dad when I was in solitary confinement because of my actions on Monea. Naturally, that incident was covered in the captain's logs, too. My father was worried, the Doc said, that I might be in trouble again.

 

The Doc told Dad nothing could be farther from the truth -- that despite my demotion, I was a well-respected and responsible senior officer on _Voyager_ , still in charge of the Navigation Department, and in the habit of rescuing people left and right. And an adequate Field Medic. He said Dad laughed at the Field Medic part. He was astonished when the Doc told him he wouldn't have agreed to come to the Alpha Quadrant to treat Dr. Zimmerman if he hadn't trusted me to do an excellent job as acting Chief Medical Officer while he was gone. That touched me, I admit. I thanked Doc for reassuring my father. The Doc then passed on a message from my Dad to me, pretty much the same one he'd given when we made that first contact with Pathfinder. He loves me and misses me, and so do my mother and my sisters. He's looking forward to getting another letter and wants me to keep on working hard so Captain Janeway will restore my rank.

 

I couldn't speak for a few moments. I don't usually get choked up by much, but that did it. The Doc then insisted I fill him in on "everything that happened" while he was away. I couldn't do _that_ in less than an entire shift, but I did tell him about how we found out about little Aimee's heritage, and that Marla had received the baby's grandmother's blessing to formally adopt Aimee. He was just as pleased as I thought he would be when I told him about the medical background the grandmother brought us. Although there were a few other illnesses and injuries to the crew I had to report, nothing was as big a deal as that was. It helps that there aren't any medical issues with anyone he needs to worry about right away, either. He said he'd review my medical reports and logs before asking me to clarify anything he might not understand. I don't think he'll be needing to ask me much -- but he probably will, just on general principle.

 

And I have to admit, it's really good to have him home.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53846.2_

I was feeling so good just a few days ago. Now I feel lousy. Neelix and I were had, and badly, by "Sister Dala" and "Brother Mobar." They're crooks, and they've used the information they stole from the Delta Flyer when we fed them to impersonate the captain and con gullible aliens out of a lot of valuable commodities. One of the conned confronted us with visual evidence of "Captain Janeway" and "Tuvok." This Orek can't have very good eyesight, because anyone can see the captain in his video record and the woman he was standing in front of _are not the same person._

 

We've been using the information Orek gave us to search for the real culprits, but so far, no luck. I spoke with Neelix today. He's as down about what happened as I am. How could we be so gullible? We were taken in by one of the oldest cons in the book. "Poor starving orphans," indeed! I really want to catch these imposters and teach them a lesson. Not a noble Starfleet-approved lesson, either. I'm up for a street fight, and I think Neelix would be happy to join in.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53853.5_

Sorry to have neglected you, Personal Log. I've been busy.

 

We caught the crooks. The captain -- our real Captain Janeway, that is -- had a great plan after we managed to capture Dala (the fake Janeway) and shut her away in the brig. Neelix brought Dala a nice dinner, out of the goodness of his heart. Although he was armed with a phaser when he went into her cell (a major no-no and not something Neelix would ever think of doing on his own), he turned his back to her so she could bang him on the head. He collapsed, and the security guard on duty somehow managed to let Dala get the drop on him, too. So she ran away and stole the Delta Flyer, fortunately not meeting any of the crew all the way to the shuttle bay. Miraculous. And when she flew out of _Voyager_ , somehow the crew couldn't catch up with the Flyer.

 

Get the picture?

 

When she met up with her cohorts, she insisted they go to their hideout to grab their ill-gotten goods and steal away to the next populated sector. Unfortunately for her crew of imposters, I was on board the Delta Flyer, hidden away in a bio-tube, with the Doc's mobile emitter in hand. Dala and her gang led us right to their stash, and "Dala" accompanied them down to load up. Of course, it wasn't really Dala. The Doc had another chance to disguise himself on an away mission. The real Dala (if that's even her real name) was locked away on the Flyer, guarded by little old me.

 

We rounded them up and sent them to _Voyager's_ brig while we recovered their loot. For the past few days we've been making a grand tour of the bilked, returning their goods to them and, hopefully, restoring the good name of the Federation, Starfleet, _Voyager_ , and last but not least, our Captain Janeway.

 

You know, Mobar actually was thrilled to meet the member of the crew he was imitating. The captain said Dala thought she made a better Captain Janeway than the real Janeway did. Not true of the ersatz Tuvok. He was definitely inferior to our true Vulcan crew mate. However, if Mobar is willing to go straight, he might actually be an asset to some crew. Just not ours.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53918.6_

I'm worried. B'Elanna and Harry went out on an away team mission in the Delta Flyer several days ago. We received a distress call from B'Elanna, and we know they had trouble with spacial eddies. What happened afterwards isn't clear. The message was too garbled to make out much, and nothing has shown up yet on sensors to let us know how to find them.  

 

I begged the captain to let me look for them, but she won't let me go until we have some idea of _where_ to look.

 

I  don't want to lose B'Elanna. Or Harry, either. But especially, I need to find my B'Elanna. Just point me in the right direction. That's all I ask.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53922.1_

We received another piece of information today. An alien transport vessel picked up more of the distress call. B'Elanna ordered Harry to eject in the escape pod, while she apparently tried to land on an L-class planet using thrusters, since the warp core was off line. Chakotay told me the transport couldn't get a fix on their position. At least we know to look for an L-class planet now. Maybe we'll find them.

 

If Harry is still in an escape pod, his oxygen is long gone. But I know B'Elanna can fix anything. She knows the Delta Flyer inside and out. I'm confident she'll get another message out once she is able to send one.

 

This not knowing really sucks.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53925.1_

We found them. They're okay. I'm so thankful. The Delta Flyer is in dire need of major repairs. She's a piece of junk right now. So is its escape pod. We had to retrieve both of them because the planet they'd crashed on was only in the Bronze Age of development. If we'd left them behind, it would have been a major Prime Directive violation.

 

Harry had trouble navigating his pod because of turbulence, so he turned it around and followed B'Elanna's ion trail in the Delta Flyer down to the planet where she'd crashed. His pod ended up about 200 kilometers away from where she was. Harry could only travel at night because he wanted to avoid meeting any of the aliens. He quickly saw how primitive their development was.

 

B'Elanna wasn't so lucky. One of the aliens found her in the Delta Flyer while she was still unconscious from the crash. He poked around and played enough of her log recordings to make up a play about her. She became the muse to this planet's version of Aristophanes. He thought she was one of the "Eternals," apparently the equivalent of the Greek gods. That was fortunate. He _expected_ her to do marvelous things. She was able to play along and avoid giving him any more information about advanced technology than he could already see. He attributed them to B'Elanna's "powers" as an "Eternal," so it worked out better than it might have.

 

When he begged her to help him write a second play, which his warlord had ordered him to write, she was stuck. He'd managed to scavenge up some dilithium for her to use on the Flyer -- this Kelis playwright person told B'Elanna his people called the substance "Winter's Tears," so they have some idea it's special stuff. Since he'd helped her obtain the dilithium, there wasn't much she could do _but_ help him with his play.

 

B'Elanna said it was actually pretty interesting. He called it "The Rescue of B'Elanna Torres." I would have liked to have seen it myself! Kelis had "Seven of Nine" kissing "Tom Paris." His "Chakotay" kissed "Janeway." There was even a Greek chorus. Kelis' purpose in writing the play was more than just for a payday (although that was part of it, of course).

 

Kelis said his "warlord" had demanded the play. That title if his wasn't a lie. Just like in our Bronze Age (and later), the leaders of this world constantly take offense with each other and start wars, causing grief for common folk like the actors' troupe, just as it always does on any warlike planet. His warlord was about to go to war with a neighboring one, and if that happened, soldiers would be swarming through the woods where the Delta Flyer had crashed. If it were found, B'Elanna and Harry, who'd reached B'Elanna by the time the play had to be given, would really have been in trouble in a lot of ways, and not just with the Prime Directive. Kelis told them the warlord who captured them would make them fight for him. Not a good situation.

 

B'Elanna contacted _Voyager_ with the help of the "Winter's Tear" Kelis had delivered to her. While the Flyer's subspace transmitter was beyond repair, Harry brought the escape pod's comm unit with him as he marched across country. It was unusable until Harry reached B'Elanna and that dilithium crystal. When she got through to us, she gave us very specific instructions concerning when and how to rescue her. Then she went to Kelis to give him an ending for his play. We transported her back to _Voyager_ , "ascending up into the heavens" in a beam of sparkling light. When she told me about it, I couldn't help but think of the time the Ferengi were fleecing the people of the planet they'd crashed into, and we rescued them, and Neelix, with our transporter beam. Those Ferengi were takers. B'Elanna may have taken a dilithim crystal from Kelis, but she gave him something really vital in return.

 

Maybe it's the holodeck programmer in me, but I understand Kelis the playwright. He's an entertainer, but he wants to reach out and be more, to send a message and maybe make his world a better and safer place. Kelis picked the right person to be his muse, even if he didn't have a lot of choice about who she was! She literally fell to the earth and figuratively into his arms.

 

I'm so glad to have my B'Elanna back. Harry, too. And I hope Kelis and his players have a long and successful run. Who knows? Maybe on this planet, two or three thousand years from now, students will study the classic works of Kelis the playwright, who wrote those wonderful _Voyager_ plays so many centuries ago. You know, the ones with B'Elanna Torres the Eternal as a pivotal character. The ones which stopped a war . . . .

 

_End Personal Log_

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 53999. 6_

I was 22 _SECONDS_ late for bridge duty, they said. I couldn't believe it. I said I'd make it up at the end of my shift. And then I saw the small box sitting on the helm chair.

 

I was late, and "out of uniform." A small, black pip was sitting inside that box, and the captain, now smiling, stepped up to me and pinned it on my collar. I have my rank back. Lt. j.g. Thomas Eugene Paris. My service, the captain told me, has been "exemplary" over the past year.

 

(I guess she's not holding Alice against me anymore.)

 

B'Elanna was on the bridge, too, which she usually isn't at the beginning of my shift. I guess that should have tipped me off something was up, but it didn't. She put her arms around me, gave me the traditional congratulatory kiss, and all was right with my world.

 

For several seconds. Then we received a distress call. When we arrived at the asteroid, the point of origin for the distress call, we discovered a ruined colony, no life signs, and Borg weapon signatures.

 

I may have my rank back, but it looks like everything else is back to normal, too.

 

_End Personal Log_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**


	7. Year Seven

**YEAR SEVEN**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54004.2_

Our "emergency" senior staff meeting was held in the mess hall, in the early morning hours of the day. Seven went to the captain, saying she'd had what the Doc first diagnosed as a dream. Except it wasn't. With all the changes in her life since she came aboard _Voyager,_ she hadn't recalled something which once had been very important to her. She explained it wasn't totally unexpected, since she never remembered what happened in Unimatrix Zero when she was an active drone. She only "went there" in her mind when she was regenerating.

 

All the drones who had the rare mutation allowing them to "visit" what was, in its way, a virtual reality location, never remembered the place when they were awake. Only one in a million drones, apparently have this mutation. While in Unimatrix Zero, they're able to be individuals for a short time again. Axum, a drone who had known her when she'd visited the place while she was still Borg, had managed to summon her. Since she no longer came once she'd been freed from the Collective, he reasoned he might be able to utilize the frequency the drones used to visit Unimatrix Zero while they regenerated to contact her. It worked. Her "dream" was actually a visit to this secret place. While there, the drones look like they did before assimilation, wear casual clothes, and enjoy a social life for a part of every day. They even call themselves by their real names. Everyone who knows Seven calls her Annika there. Apparently she visited Unimatrix Zero for the entire eighteen years of her life she was a drone. Since children who are in maturation chambers visit the place, Annika must have literally grown up there.

 

The drones need Seven/Annika now because their numbers have been shrinking. The Borg Queen recently discovered the existence of their refuge. She sees it as a threat to her rule. Drones have been dying. They want Seven to help save them, and she wants to do it.

 

It sounded damn dangerous to me, and I said as much at the meeting. The captain must have detected a chance to damage the Queen's control over her minions in some way. Tuvok offered to help Captain Janeway visit this place herself, through a Vulcan mind technique called "bridging of the minds." He would meld with Captain Janeway and Seven simultaneously while Seven was regenerating. He claimed he would be aware of what was happening and could pull them out of the meld and wake up Seven if necessary.

 

I chill ran through me as the captain and Seven agreed to accept Tuvok's offer. I'm not one to indulge myself in fantasies that I have any precognitive abilities. That was Kes' shtick. Maybe it's simply because we know the Borg are in this area, because of their destruction of the colony on the asteroid, that the situation makes me so wary. The colony's destruction is a fact, and it would make any sane person nervous.

 

When it comes to the Borg, I know the captain isn't always completely sane. With her, it's personal. Add in the possibility of bloodying the Borg Queen's nose, and I'm profoundly uneasy about this whole gambit. I hope I'm being silly, but I'm afraid I'm not.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54007.6_

That stroll through Unimatrix Zero with Seven apparently impressed the captain no end. Chakotay made the announcement this morning that we're going to try to stop the Borg Queen from wrecking the sanctuary only a relative handful of Borg drones can visit to remember who they once were. We need to move quickly, because while the captain was doing a virtual walkabout with Seven and talking to Axum (who in normal life is Five of Twelve -- secondary adjunct of Trimatrix Nine Four Two), Borg drones who were not normal visitors arrived and attacked them. (Later, Chakotay told Harry and me that the captain was swinging a bat'leth she'd gotten in there somehow, defending the Unimatrix Zero drones. Why am I not surprised?)

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_Personal Log Addendum_

 

We had a planning meeting for the invasion of the Borg cube. I'm even more upset now than I was when I first heard about this crazy idea.

 

The Doc and B'Elanna have modified the nanovirus Axum designed to hide the identity of the drones with the mutation that allows them to visit their hideout. If the Borg Queen can't find them, she can't destroy them. He'd given the formula to Seven to distribute in some way so it can spread throughout Borgdom. Captain Janeway had Doc tweak the formula. The Doc's version will nullify the cortical inhibitors in those drones with the mutation. They'll remember Unimatrix Zero after they've awakened. She wants the drones with the mutation to form a "resistance movement" within the Borg, which she believes will weaken the Hive.

 

We've located a Borg cube on sensors. Unfortunately, it's one of the big battleships of the Borg, a Class Four tactical vessel, heavily armed. The only place to introduce this nanovirus is in the cube's central plexus, which is protected by multi-regenerative security grids. Seven feels the captain would be detected long before she got into this central plexus. That's the only place the virus can be deployed, since once it's introduced, the nanovirus will invade the entire Collective through its communications network. That's how the Borg stay together as one entity. It's the source of the Queen's control over the Hive.

 

The captain still wants to give it a shot, but thanks to Chakotay, she won't be going alone. Tuvok and B'Elanna both insisted on being included. The captain didn't want them along, but her First Officer made it clear that having company when they invade Borg territory is the only way he'll continue to support her plan. So she said okay.

 

B'Elanna and I spent time readying the Delta Flyer for the mission. We had the chance to repair it since the crash on the Bronze Age world, but I don't have much hope we'll get it back after this away mission. I just hope to get B'Elanna back. I told her I was considering sabotaging the helm so the Flyer wouldn't even get out of the launch bay doors. She replied she would have to put me on report then, and "You might lose that new pip of yours." I responded, "It would be a small price to pay."

 

She smiled. I hope she realizes how sincerely I meant it. I'm not one to say those "I love you" words, but B'Elanna seems to recognize when I say it in other ways. I'm so worried. I want her back. I need her, more than I ever thought I'd ever need anyone. Sending her into such danger, when I'm stuck on _Voyager_ and unable to protect her, will be agonizing. But that's Starfleet. We have to go along with our orders, no matter how bad it makes us feel.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54010.3_

Just as I expected, the Delta Flyer was destroyed when it approached the cube closely enough for the away team to transport aboard the Borg vessel. _Voyager_ maintained a steady barrage of weapon's fire to distract the Hive from the Flyer's stealth approach, but as we predicted, it wasn't enough to protect the shuttle. She was a good little ship, and if we receive the great blessing of surviving this crazy mission, I hope we can build a new Flyer, even better that our prototype was. But that's in the future. I can only hope we'll all live so long.

 

Once we received confirmation the plan had worked through the Doc's monitoring of their synapses, we sped out of range to repair our ship. It's not in great shape right now. We've got lots to repair before we make our planned rescue attempt of the away team, and no B'Elanna to work any miracles. I hope we can manage to fix _Voyager_ in time.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Personal Log Addendum_

 

We expected to pick up the away team after they'd spent two hours on the cube, if the plan had gone as anticipated. At the two and a half hour mark, I went into the captain's ready room and, in my position as Acting First Officer, recommended to Acting Captain Chakotay that we pull the away team out now. He said no. I got a bit huffy, but Chakotay wouldn't relent.

 

Then he said, in a somewhat offhand manner, that a First Officer could get in" big trouble for talking to a captain like that." I told him I'd "learned from the best."

 

I couldn't ignore the feeling that conversations just like this have happened often in the past between Captain Janeway and Chakotay. I wonder if he realizes just how much he sounded like the captain at that moment?

 

When Tuvok's synaptic readings became problematic, Chakotay told me he presumed I would agree to getting in close enough to try to transport our people out. I certainly did. Harry couldn't get a lock on them, however. The shielding around the central plexus was too strong for us to get hold of them. Then the Doc notified Chakotay and Seven to come to Sickbay. There was "something they needed to see."

 

Seven told me later that a hologram of the captain, dressed in her normal uniform, appeared in Sickbay. She said the Borg Queen had offered a "compromise." Unimatrix Zero could no longer exist. Seven was aghast, but Chakotay understood the real message. The drones hiding out there had to leave, because if they didn't, they'd be discovered and killed when the Queen destroyed Unimatrix Zero. Seven went in to warn anyone left to escape while they could.

 

I was in the command chair on the bridge when a Borg sphere appeared. At first I thought the Borg Queen had called in reinforcements and we were goners for sure. Then we received a communication from the sphere, from the Borgified Klingon Commander Korak. He'd taken command of the sphere and would work with us to rescue our people. We finally had a real chance to rescue B'Elanna, the captain, and Tuvok.

 

Our joint attack began. The shields at one point on the cube began to weaken, and we used that break to transport our away team out of the cube, seconds before the cube itself blew up. We can't be sure, of course, but we don't believe _Voyager_ or Korak's sphere were responsible for the cube's destruction. We didn't have that much fire power. That tactical cube was heavily armed and had unbelievably dense shielding. I suspect the Borg Queen destroyed it herself, in an attempt to kill her adversary, our _Voyager_ Queen, Captain Janeway.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54014.2_

I spent some time with B'Elanna in the early hours of the morning, right before I went to the bridge to take a shift in the command chair. With Captain Janeway still in Sickbay recovering, for the time being I'm still Acting First Officer.

 

B'Elanna's recovering well from the surgery to remove the implants. A few had to be left in, because the assimilation nanoprobes were able to do their job so efficiently in the amount of time she was "a Borg," Doc is reluctant to take them out. I teased her, saying she was now "my Borg Babe as well as my feisty Klingon sweetheart." She gave me a tender glare and shot back, "Watch out or I'll punch your lights out, Helmboy." Her dark chocolate eyes were sparkling with amusement, so I realized she was joking even before she began to smile. I know she'll be okay, just from that exchange.

 

I told her that the Shuttlebay crew of Myers, Andres, and Joseph were already setting up shop, under Seven's, Harry's, and my supervision, to begin building the Delta Flyer II. I'm to help out "in my spare time." Like I'll have any until B'Elanna and the captain are back on duty! I want to be here with her, every waking moment I have when I'm not on duty. I didn’t get a chance to tell her that, because her eyelids got heavy just then and she drifted back to sleep.

 

I know. Sleep is the best thing for her now as she recovers. I sat with her for a few minutes before I had to report to the bridge and wondered how many more times I was going to come so close to losing her. I'd lost my "other love," as B'Elanna always puts it. The Delta Flyer had been reduced to fragments. Tuvok, the captain, and B'Elanna almost didn't make it onto the Borg cube, let alone off again. It was a very close thing.

 

Too close.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54014.9_

Although Tuvok is taking longer to recover than either B'Elanna or the captain, the Doc has pronounced all three out of danger. We found out B'Elanna created the spot in the shields that allowed us to transport them off the cube. She punched out a zombie/drone and fiddled with the shield controls to weaken them there. After Tuvok struck B'Elanna while he was under the Borg Queen's spell, knocking her out and capturing the captain, the team of drones following him made the mistake of leaving B'Elanna lying in the central plexus. When she woke up, she immediately did what she could to free the away team. If she hadn't messed with the shields just then, I think our away team wouldn't have been rescued before the cube blew up. My B'Elanna, in full Borg regalia, was a hero.

 

The Doc's neural suppressant worked fine for B'Elanna and Captain Janeway, but it wore off from Tuvok soon enough for the Queen to turn him into a zombie/drone for a while. If we ever need to use the stuff again (and I hope we never again get so close to a Borg vessel to need to), Tuvok may not be a good candidate for that away team. We need to test it on crew members of other races to evaluate those it works well for just as is, and who would need either a higher dose or shouldn't be treated with it at all. I'll suggest it to the Doc the next time I take a shift in Sickbay. That won't be until our senior staff is at full complement again. I'm still Acting First Officer at present, so I have no time for Sickbay shifts now. The Doc is not a happy camper about that, but hey. We're all here, aren't we? That's good enough for me right now.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54017.7_

Seven has been very subdued the past few days. I think she misses Axum. She hasn't said anything to me about him, but the Doc filled me in. He told me more than he meant to, though, because I see Doc is still carrying a torch for Seven. She sees him as her friend, and that's all. Apparently in the real world, Axum is on a Borg scout vessel guarding the border of Fluidic Space, in the far reaches of the Beta Quadrant. Seven had always hoped she could meet him in person. It's not very likely, now she knows how far away he is from her. Maybe things will work out for them some day. What threw me the most about Doc's explanation was his casual mention of the Borg occupying space in the outer reaches of the Beta Quadrant, as well as their infesting a good part of the Delta Quadrant. There are more of them around than I had ever imagined, and I'd already realized there must be billions of drones.

 

I'm back holding only one regular post, Chief Helmsman of _Voyager_. Captain Janeway is on the job again. I heard she teased Chakotay about turning into her after she read my "Acting First Officer's Official Logs." He's taking it in good humor. So I was right that differences in opinion between the two of them have been expressed in her ready room on other occasions!

 

I've noticed the Fair Haven program hasn't been running much lately. Everyone's too busy with repairs and chores like rebuilding the Flyer to spend much time there, I guess. The one time I spent an hour in the pub, I heard talk of "revolution" in the air. Apparently the Borg resistance movement and civil conflict within the Hive has even affected our photonic R & R crew mates.

 

Tuvok has been spending a lot of hours meditating. He's still not back on duty. I'm scheduled to take a few shifts in command over the next few nights to cover for him. Harry will take the others. Harry claims I'm bucking for promotion to full lieutenant. Poor Harry! If we don't get back home soon, the captain will really need to consider pushing him up to Lieutenant, junior grade, at the very least. Maybe the next time we're in contact with Pathfinder, the subject can be broached to the brass at Starfleet Command. I'll hint around about it the next time I talk to Chakotay during the change of shifts. He'll probably say that sitting in the command chair is going to my head; but really, our eager beaver ensign deserves a promotion if anyone does!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54045.9_

We enjoyed a ship wide activity tonight. Ship wide, because two performances of "The Haunting of Deck 12" were given, once during Alpha Shift, for those working Beta and Gamma shifts, and tonight during Beta Shift, for the rest of us. Everyone who wanted to was able to see it. I understand the Doc recorded the performances, too, so we can view the show again at any time.

 

The play was written by the Borg kids and Naomi, assisted by Neelix and me. It retold the incident from a few months ago, when we had to power down the ship to let our "passenger" on Deck 12 slip away into his new home. Our nebula critter had lived on Deck 12 in an environment specially adapted for him for several months, since before the Borg kids came to live on _Voyager_. Only the highest security staff had access, but there had been talk of the "ghost" on Deck 12 amongst the crew ever since he arrived. The truth is, we'd destabilized his home in a J-class nebula when we collected materials from it to use as a power source. We never knew he was there until after we'd completed the collection. _Voyager_ suffered power surges and other problems, tipping us off we had somehow sucked an entity inside the ship along with the radiogenic particles. We went back to where the nebula had been, but we found we'd inadvertently caused it to dissipate. It was only right to keep the critter safe until we found him a replacement home, hence his temporary digs on Deck 12.

 

Naomi had been around when all this happened, but Sam managed to keep the details away from her daughter. When we'd powered down before releasing the entity into his new home, Neelix was assigned the task of keeping all the kids calm while it took place. He gave them a fairly accurate account of our mission and the reason for it, but he told it as a kind of campfire tale to keep them from becoming too frightened. At first, when they asked him if it was true, he claimed it was "just a story." Later on, when the kids discovered it _was_ all true, they decided to work on this play as a sort of school project. And I think it turned out just great.

 

Neelix portrayed himself. He sat at the side of the designated stage, with a plasma lantern shining eerily on his face in the darkened mess hall. The audience stood in for the listening "kids" during the play. Naomi played the part of Captain Janeway to perfection. (She even has the right color hair!) Mezoti took on the role of Seven of Nine. Needless to say, she was "perfection," too. Azan and Rebi played Tuvok and Harry, respectively. Icheb took on the rest of the roles, including Chakotay, the Doc, and me. B'Elanna suggested Icheb use masks to let the audience know which role he was playing at any one time, since he could switch between them in seconds. She thought it worked well in Kelis' play, allowing one actor to play multiple roles without any confusion. It worked here, too. When Neelix had lines to perform, he spoke them from the side of the stage.

 

The cutest portrayal had to be Aimee Gilmore's. She was dressed in a mini-sized Engineering uniform to "play" B'Elanna. Her mother, dressed all in black like puppeteers do to keep attention away from themselves, carried her around and spoke the lines whenever B'Elanna had anything to say. Aimee was in a really good mood when I saw her. She smiled constantly, and with "Klingon ridges" drawn in make-up pencil on her forehead, she was a tiny B'Elanna clone. It was fun to see the kids play us. They did a great job. Everyone was charmed. I think even Tuvok looked less stony-faced than usual.

 

It _was_ an uplifting story. We certainly didn't mean to mess up that life form's home, but when we did, we owed it to him to help him survive until we could transfer him to a new one. And after our recent battle with the Borg cube, which we couldn't prevent the kids from knowing about, the play was a good way to allay any remaining fears they might have, from the battle or from our "ghost." It also gave a lift for everyone's morale to relive an adventure that's in the mold of the preferred type of Starfleet mission: to experience new worlds, meet new species, and to go places where no one has gone before. Transporting a gaseous entity to his new home site seems to qualify in all three phases!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54050.4_

 

We're finally getting close to getting the new Delta Flyer operational. We need to complete a few more "tweaks" to it, and we have to run some final tests of the various systems first, but then the Delta Flyer II should be ready for a trial flight in space. Sometime in the next few days we hope we can take her out for a spin.

 

I can barely wait!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54056.6_

 

Am I ever in trouble! I forgot all about the big holodeck weekend B'Elanna and I were planning. Gedi Prime has surpassed Risa as _THE_ vacation hotspot, and we have the holodeck program available to be able to take advantage. B'Elanna has been pulling all sorts of strings so we can have an uninterrupted weekend of fun. And then this race comes up. Like a complete airhead, our plans for a weekend alone completely slipped my mind in my eagerness for a little competition.

 

Harry and I were out in the new Delta Flyer, giving it a final shakedown cruise. A cute girl in a souped-up shuttle challenged us to a drag race. Her vessel had some technical problems, so we brought her and her ship to _Voyager_. She told us all about the Antarean Interstellar Rally Race. It's actually a joint effort, celebrating a peace accord in this region of space. I got pretty excited about the prospect of racing the Flyer in the rally, and the captain agreed it was just the thing to exhibit Starfleet principles of cooperation and fair play. She gave us permission to complete modifications to the Flyer so we could qualify for the run.

 

I was on Cloud Nine until the Doc brought me down, reminding me about my weekend with B'Elanna. I felt terrible. I was sure she was going to blow up because I forgot all about it. I was prepared to nobly step aside if I had to. I wanted to race, but Harry was capable of putting on a good show. Baytart would have been an adequate co-pilot. It would have killed me to do it, but for the sake of my relationship with B'Elanna, I'd have given it up.

 

I could hardly believe B'Elanna could be so understanding. No displays of temper at all. She said the holodeck would always be there for us, but this race wouldn't. I told her I don't deserve her, and really, I don't. She's everything I ever wanted. How amazing it is to be thrown into the Delta Quadrant with her, so we could meet and have a life together! She's wonderful. And she's willing to let me race! I'm the luckiest guy in the world. All the worlds!

 

_End Personal Log_

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54061.4_

 

The race is over. Don't tell the captain, because I'm sure she wouldn't agree. Even though we lost the race, I'm a big winner!

 

My co-pilot and I won the first leg of the race. My co-pilot B'Elanna Torres, that is. She convinced Harry to let her take his place as my second because that way we would still get our weekend together. We did "scrape shields" a few times. She wasn't quite as prepared about the course as I would have liked her to be, and she made a couple of decision . . . well, the less said, the better. All things considered, since we won that leg, we did okay.

 

That second leg, however. That one was a doozy, in more ways than one. We had several disagreements while we were running the race, and it turned into a referendum on the status of our relationship. B'Elanna somehow hadn't realized just how much I love her. I guess I do have to look in the mirror for the cause. I'm not one to say the actual words, "I love you," very often, but she _knows_ the reason for that. We've been over it. And she's usually very good at picking up on my alternate ways of telling her how much she means to me, like when she was getting ready to be Borgified and I told her I'd be happy to lose my rank again if it would keep her safe (or whatever it is I said. I can't remember precisely, because it still gets to me whenever I think how close I came to losing her forever).

 

Anyway, it's a good thing I shut down the engines when I did to clear the air with her, because one of the other pilots -- Irina, the cute one who told us about the race in the first place -- had rigged the fuel converter she had so kindly lent us to blow up when we hit the finish line. If not for Harry warning us, using that old-fashioned Morse Code that's part of the Captain Proton program, hundreds of people would have been killed. The multi-planet peace accord would have been blown to smithereens as well, which was Irina's ultimate goal. As it was, the veridian isotopes from the fuel converter she'd lent us for the Flyer got into the warp core. It was about to blow, and we had a lot of trouble trying to eject it. I flew the Flyer into a nearby J-class nebula, which would absorb the force of the blast to protect _Voyager_ and the folks at the finish line. Just in time, B'Elanna was able to eject the warp core, and we managed to get the Flyer out of the nebula on impulse drive one step ahead of the explosion.

 

Oh, yeah. Almost forgot to mention another momentous thing about the race (well, I didn't really forget, because it's the reason I'm making this log entry in the first place). I asked B'Elanna to marry me when the shuttle was about to blow up. I'm not sure why we can only make big leaps in our relationship when something blows up, or if a cave roof starts falling on our heads or something, but there you are. That's apparently what it takes. While we were flying back to _Voyager_ , I asked her again, because she'd been too busy to respond to me while we were in the middle of the crisis. She was surprised. She said she thought I only asked her because I thought we were goners. I quickly cured her of that supposition.

 

The captain decided we could spend a few more days here, participating in the after-race festivities. The leaders of the worlds of the accord are very appreciative that we protected them and served as a neutral base for the race. The captain is peeved we didn't win the race, of course, since she's competitive to the Nth degree! However, even the grim ex-fighter pilot Assan came up to me after we got back to our ship and complimented us. He won, so he could afford to be magnanimous, of course, but he said that by our actions protecting the spectators and the other racing crews, we showed there are more ways of winning than receiving a trophy for coming across a finish line first.

 

Since we're going to be here a few more days, we'll have time for our "weekend away" after all. It's going to be a honeymoon instead of just a weekend of relaxation. We decided not to wait on the marriage thing. I'm sitting here in my quarters now. The wedding ceremony will take place roughly an hour from now. Except for Irina, who's in custody and in transit to her home world to answer for her crimes, the other racing teams will be present at the wedding, along with the race officials. Our mess hall is decorated with artificial flowers created by our kids. B'Elanna and I decided to wear dress uniforms. We don't need any fancy wedding gear, but we did replicate outfits for the wedding party members who aren't officially in Starfleet and don't have dress uniforms. Naomi and Mezoti are our "flower girl/bridesmaids" and Azan and Rebi are our ring bearers. Harry is best man. Sue Nicoletti is maid of honor. Chakotay is "giving the bride away." The captain, of course, is officiating.

 

I can't say I'm not nervous, but I'm mainly exhilarated. Losing the race meant nothing. I've won the biggest prize of all, the love of my life, my B'Elanna, and now we get to make it official.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54070.9_

 

The captain's wedding gift was moving us to slightly larger quarters. We're no longer on Deck Nine, Section Twelve. Several of our former neighbors have expressed their happiness (more like relief) that we've gone up to Deck Five. The Doc made a snide remark about being closer to Sickbay if I need any repairs from lovemaking, Klingon-style. I just smiled. I'll get back at him somehow, but I'm not going to telegraph it to him before I do.

 

Married life is great. Chakotay said _HIS_ gift will be to keep our desire to be together in mind when he makes up duty rosters, so we can be off duty at the same time as often as possible. We may not be the only couple who decides to tie the knot, if that becomes generally known throughout the ship. I know Tabor and Jor are really, really close.

 

Anyway, it's bedtime. I'd better cut this off before I record something more intimate than I usually include in you, Personal Log. Nighty-night! Have a good one! I know I will.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54088.2_

 

Mail call! I didn't get any letters from home this time, but the captain said her official communications included a wish for everyone's well-being on _Voyager_ from my father, and especially for his son. I wrote back a very brief message, all we had room for with all the official communiques the captain sent and the letters others had already filed for delivery "as soon as possible." I announced my wedding to B'Elanna to my parents and asked them to forward word to B'Elanna's family. Hopefully, when the next communication arrives, I'll hear from my mother. It's great to get word, even indirectly, from my father, but it would be nice to get a letter from my Mom, too.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54102.6_

 

Strange days. Very strange days. The Maquis staged a mutiny, six years after they came on board _Voyager_ , even though everyone has been getting along great for years. The really weird thing was  how it came about. Our stoic Vulcan tactical officer, Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, instigated the uprising. Even B'Elanna joined in. Chakotay. Ayala. Tabor. Jor. Yosa. I think there were seven or eight others who joined the mutiny, too, but none of them were in their right minds when they did it. Literally.

 

When we received letters from home a couple of weeks ago, Tuvok received one from his son. Buried within that letter was a hidden message he received without ever realizing it, from a mad vedek named Teero Anaydis. Chakotay later filled us in. This vedek was so Out There, even the Maquis threw him out for his fanaticism. He insisted mind control was the way to recruit intelligence agents. To this vedek, the Maquis uprising was a "Holy War." While Tuvok was a member of Chakotay's crew on the _Val Jean_ , this vedek got hold of our Vulcan friend and instilled a secret mind control message within his brain. In the process, he realized who Tuvok really was. Why he didn't blow the whistle on Tuvok the spy then, I guess we may never know. However, when Tuvok heard the subliminal message, which was a code to awaken his mind control orders from Teero, he started mind-melding with crew members on _Voyager,_ infecting them with the "holy war" message as well. He had no idea he was the one attacking the Maquis members of the crew. Like the Borg in Unimatrix Zero, when awake Tuvok had no memory of it.

 

We didn't know any of this on Stardate 54090 when the first crew members were attacked and put into some sort of comatose state. I recorded something about it in my official logs, when I was working with the Doc, but I never included a reference in you, Personal Log. I was spending so much extra time in Sickbay then. What made this all the more ominous was that only Maquis crew members were being put into this state. When B'Elanna became unconscious I was really upset. The former Maquis who were still awake all pointed their fingers at the Starfleet crew, saying someone must have it in for them. Chell's hypothesis was that through Pathfinder, orders had been given to the captain by Starfleet to take out all of the Maquis. Ridiculous, of course, but when paranoia reigns supreme, that sort of conspiracy theory seems all too possible.

 

And of course, in one way, Chell was right. It _was_ a Starfleet officer who was doing this to them, since it was Tuvok. He was almost totally out of his head by the time he realized he was both investigator and perpetrator. In the grip of the mind control imposed by this Teero, Tuvok recited the code words for the Maquis to take over _Voyager_. The Starfleet crew as a whole was locked away, along with Seven and the kids. Chakotay decided to drop us all off at a nearby M-class planet, to become "the first Federation colonizers in the Delta Quadrant."

 

He didn't, because Tuvok's disciplined powers of the mind finally brought him back to awareness of reality. He attacked Chakotay again with another mind meld, but this time his purpose was to bring Chakotay back to himself, too. Eventually my blushing bride and the other mutineers received another mind meld treatment to snap the control Teero's code words had on them.

 

There's a lot about this which simply makes no sense. The Maquis movement has been dead for three years, at least. What good would it do to have a Maquis ship out here in the Delta Quadrant, 30,000 light years or so away from Earth? Chakotay was trying to run _Voyager_ on a crew of about twelve, as far as I can tell, because one positive thing about this incident is that other than the dozen crew who received that mind meld from Tuvok, _NONE_ of the remaining 23 Maquis joined the mutiny. All of them, Chell included, stayed loyal to Janeway and were locked up with the rest of us. When we landed on the Briori world five years ago, the captain worried that so many of us would decide to stay, they'd be unable to operate the ship. At the time, Chakotay and Captain Janeway figured about a hundred crew members were needed in order for _Voyager_ to resume its journey home. Even if all the Maquis _had_ joined the mutiny, along with the _Equinox_ Five (who aren't that eager to get home), systems would start to fail for lack of staff to maintain them properly. And when you consider all the crazy species we've encountered out here who are only too glad to eat you for lunch, how long could they possibly last without the rest of us?

 

It's almost as if this Vedek Teero wanted to punish our Maquis for surviving when so many had died. Or maybe he was crazy enough to want to destroy them because he was mad at the movement for throwing him out of the Maquis. Ours were the only ones he could get to because he'd done his mind-control prep on Tuvok. There's no doubt losing _Voyager_ at this point, since our survival is common knowledge in the Alpha Quadrant, would have been detrimental to Starfleet's reputation. Perhaps that was enough motive for him to act now.

 

I probably could have managed to survive on the planet they'd picked for the "colony," but I'd have been miserable without B'Elanna. When she did snap out of the trance, she was very apologetic. You don't see a Klingon grovel for forgiveness too often, but I saw it then. I didn't take advantage. Well, we did have some glorious make-up sex, but that's all I plan to say about that here. The important thing is, we're back. B'Elanna and me. The senior staff and all our crew mates. We celebrated with a big double feature in the old Palace Theatre in Chicago, circa 1932. "The Attack of the Lobster People," and "Revenge of the Creature" (because B'Elanna and I never got to see it when I first brought her into the movie holodeck program. That's when we found Tabor, the first of our crew who became comatose.

 

Oh, and I made sure she didn't get rid of that leather outfit of hers she went back to wearing as a Maquis. Talk about hot. Yowza!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54129.4_

Today was a sad day for a lot of us, especially Seven.

 

It was a good day for Azan and Rebi. Last week we discovered they belonged to a race called the Wysanti. Once we possessed that information, the captain discovered we were not far from their home world. She contacted the leaders, who confirmed one of their colonies was attacked by the Borg three years ago. There were only a few survivors. Most of those that did were off-planet at the time of the attack. Miraculously, two of those survivors turned out to be the maternal grandparents of Azan and Rebi. They were overjoyed we'd rescued their grandchildren.

 

After our experience with Icheb's parents, the captain was much more careful before committing to give the kids up. It _was_ a remarkable coincidence. This time, everything checked out. Seven's analysis of the data node from the wrecked cube confirmed the twins had been stuffed into maturation chambers after they were captured from a settlement in a system about twenty light years from the Wysanti's. The Borg stole all the technology from the original settlement, along with the people in that immediate area. Of the three thousand or so people actually in residence at the time of the attack, less than a hundred were later found hiding in a system of caves, miles away from the main encampment.

 

The grandparents and their only daughter's family had been among the first settlers. When everything seemed stable at the colony, the leaders dispatched the grandparents to the home planet to recruit a new group of immigrants. Mazani and Arebi were not there when the Borg struck. After discovering the extent of the disaster, the Wysanti were devastated. They abandoned their plans for the system and returned all the survivors to their home planet.

 

Once the Doc confirmed the DNA match to Azan and Rebi, the grandparents begged the captain to return the children to them. It really is a miracle we were able to find the twin's relatives, and I was happy for the twins and the grandparents. I was less happy when I learned they wanted to adopt Mezoti, too. I understand the captain's reasoning for allowing them to take her. After we notified the Norcadians we had rescued Mezoti from the Borg, their attitude was, "Great. When we find out who she belongs to, we'll let you know." The captain had to reach out several times to find out how the search was going. One would think that even if they couldn't find Mezoti's relatives, they'd be willing to bring her back home to live among her own people. After the fifth time our contact claimed they'd made no progress finding anyone for her, the captain decided we would keep her until _they_ contacted _us_ again. And of course, Mezoti was still with us when Azan and Rebi's grandparents asked her to stay with them.

 

I'm very sad about losing Mezoti (even if she did shock me on their Borg cube). She seems to be the sharpest of all the Borg kids, other than Icheb. When you consider she was the youngest, other than little Aimee Gilmore, that's even more impressive. Seven and Icheb are both very upset Mezoti said she'd prefer to stay with Azan and Rebi's family rather than stay with them, but I guess it makes sense. Mezoti loves bugs, and there aren't that many on _Voyager_ for her to study (other than the occasional computer glitch, but that's not the kind of bug Mezoti enjoys). She'll have lots more opportunities observing them if she's living on a planet. Seven told me Mazani, the grandmother, got all misty-eyed at one point when speaking with Seven about why she wants to adopt Mezoti. With her intelligence and inquisitiveness, Mezoti reminds Mazani of her lost daughter, Azan and Rebi's mom. To have a family group to raise, after losing their only child to the Borg, is a blessing. It's hard to counter that kind of declaration.

 

I can see Captain Janeway's position, too. While the Borg do infest this area of space, _Voyager_ isn't exactly the safest place to raise a kid, either. Aimee has been adopted by Marla, so she's really her daughter now, just as much as Naomi is Sam's. The less said about Icheb's parents, the better. Besides, he's grown up enough to make his own choices, and he's made his clear. Although the grandparents said they were willing to adopt Icheb, and Mezoti begged him to stay with them, too, Icheb says he already has a family here on _Voyager_.

 

So today the three kids made the rounds to say good-bye. Mezoti thanked B'Elanna and me for letting her be a bridesmaid, along with Naomi, at our wedding. "The wedding was fun," she said. Since Mezoti had to learn what fun was when she first came on board, I was very happy to hear her say that. There's definitely hope for her to live a normal life! I hope the Wysanti populace will be able to look beyond her remaining Borg appliances and see the great kid she is.

 

Azan and Rebi thanked me for the time I took them out in the Flyer and let each of them have a turn at the navigational controls. They're not very talkative boys, but they took to flying like naturals. I mentioned this to their grandfather Arebi. He said he'd make sure they had the opportunity to work on those skills, since he himself is a pilot. Arebi admitted he's still reeling from this turn of events. He'd lost all hope of finding his daughter's family before _Voyager_ contacted the Wysanti and told them Azan and Rebi were alive and well. The twins were still toddlers when they were taken by the Borg. After more than two years in maturation chambers, they now look and act like preteenagers. He said it will take some getting used to, seeing them so tall and mature-looking when they were barely out of babyhood the last time he'd seen them. Arebi is especially happy he can help his grandchildren grow up and learn about their mother. "My daughter will live on through them," he told me. I didn't get any bad vibes at all from either of the grandparents, and, more importantly, Seven said she didn't get any, either (unlike the time she left Icheb with his parents).

 

I know I'm going to miss Mezoti, but I wish them all the best.

 

_End Personal Log_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_Personal Log Addendum_

I was called in to Sickbay right after dictating the previous entry. Seven is in trouble. Her cortical node is failing. If we can't find a way to fix it, she'll die. After losing his Borg "siblings" today, Icheb would take her loss very hard. I've gotta go help the Doc now.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54136.7_

The captain, Tuvok and I traveled to a Borg debris field we'd passed by several days ago in the area of the Yontassa Expanse. We were looking for a cortical node to recover from one of the dead drone corpses to replace Seven's failing one. The captain and Tuvok found one that seems operational, but some thugs tried to muscle us out of the way. They claimed the debris field was theirs. Hey, I didn't see any "No trespassing" signs! There was a short altercation before I was able to transport them back to the Delta Flyer and we sped away. We're headed back to _Voyager_ now, at the Delta Flyer's maximum speed.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54143.3_

The replacement node from the dead drone won't work. We've tried twelve simulations of the surgery on the holodeck, and every single one came out the same way. We lost Seven. She claims only a cortical node from a living drone will work. Apparently the part shuts down very quickly after the death of a drone. Disconnection itself is tough on drones, as we learned when we learned about the confusion and panic Seven experienced after most of her unimatrix died in a crash eight years ago. When Seven was disconnected from the Hive three years ago, in the middle of the battle with the Fluidians (Species 8472), the Doc intervened surgically to allow her to separate from the Hive. Seven thinks the reason she's had trouble with this node a couple of times, and why it's begun to fail now, has to do with the stresses from those other disconnections. For us to remove a cortical node from a live drone would mean killing it. Zombie drone or not, the Doc won't hear of killing one to get a spare part. I wouldn't agree to do it, either.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54151.9_

Icheb forced the issue. His cortical is functioning well. Since he's younger and was never fully assimilated, Icheb figured out he could survive without one as long as the Doc completed some genetic resequencing along with surgery to remove the part. When Seven refused to go along with his offer, Icheb used the regeneration unit to disconnect his node himself and would not let us turn it back on. He said if Seven can refuse to take the part, he can refuse to use it, too. Rather than lose both of them, we did the surgery. Seven will be fine. She's awake, and the cortical node is functioning exactly the way it should. Icheb will need at least another week to fully recover, but it's clear he was right about not needing a cortical node to survive. His genetic resequencing plan has worked well. We don't think Icheb will need to regenerate from now on. With his cortical node gone, it's possible he _can't_ regenerate.

 

I see what Seven meant when she said Icheb might have volunteered to deliver the pathogen to the Borg if his parents had bothered to ask him to do it. He's a great kid. Pretty selfless. But if he had, we would have lost Seven as well as Icheb. Both are unique individuals. Maybe saying they're "more unique" than the average individual says it better. Everyone is unique, but once someone is taken by the Collective, that uniqueness manifests itself in very unusual ways once that person is freed from Borg control.

 

He'll be a real asset to Starfleet. Before Seven's condition deteriorated badly, she asked the captain to write a letter of recommendation for Icheb to take the Academy entrance exam. Tuvok, who once was an instructor at Starfleet Academy, could tutor him. The captain was happy to write one for Icheb. He's already shown he fits into Starfleet, since he's willing to sacrifice his life for another's if need be. I don't think he'll have any trouble at all with the maxim: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one."

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54153.4_

Seven's malfunctioning cortical node has been taken to Engineering. When a cortical node goes on the fritz in a living drone who's still part of the Collective, a medical drone will replace the part instead of repairing the defective one. Seven says they can't be repaired or replicated. B'Elanna and Harry aren't willing to take that as a given. They reason that replacements must be created outside of a Borg's body in some way, and not simply through the assimilation process, or there wouldn't be a spare for the medical drone to insert. If something happens to the one that's now in Seven's head, we wouldn't have one from Icheb to provide another replacement. Mezoti and the twins are many light years behind us now.

 

Baby Aimee's node had not yet sufficiently formed to function when she came to us. The Doc was able to remove it without harming the little girl. Doc doesn't throw away any spare Borg parts, and B'Elanna and Harry have decided to work with Aimee's, as well as the malfunctioning one extracted from Seven, to see if a functional spare can be created. If they manage to get one working well enough to keep Seven alive in the future, should the one she now has go kaput, it would be a relief to all of us.

 

I wasn't surprised Harry would be willing to spend his spare time looking into that. He's always been fond of Seven. When I expressed my amazement to B'Elanna that she'd be agree to participate in this project, she told me about a talk she'd had with Seven comparing Sto-Vo-Cor with the Borg's version of an afterlife. Seven was saddened that everything she'd experienced since her disconnection from the Hive would be lost when she died. B'Elanna expressed the opinion that Seven was "memorable" and wouldn't be forgotten by the rest of her " _Voyager_ Collective" if she did die.

 

This conversation was in Engineering, when Seven was hiding out from the Doc while she was "ill." The  Doc discovered her there and wanted Seven to vegetate in Sickbay. B'Elanna stuck up for Seven, telling Doc she'd keep an eye on her to keep her from overdoing it. Seven expressed her gratitude, which pleased B'Elanna. One thing that's put B'Elanna off from the "Borg Babe" in the past has been how rude Seven can be. This near-death experience may make her less abrasive. I certainly hope that's true, because I've seen a change in Seven lately myself.

 

B'Elanna admits she's been able to work much better with Seven over the past few months. That exchange about their beliefs made an even greater impact. She agreed with me that Seven's made a lot of progress. "She's not much for girl talk, though," B'Elanna mused. I knew better than to point out B'Elanna isn't big on it, either. When this incident in Engineering occurred, the Doc had commented to me when he came into Sickbay, "Difficult patients flock together." I was a little puzzled about what he said at the time. Now I understand what he was talking about!

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54209.9_

I was getting _very_ concerned. We were supposed to receive another datastream the other day, and after not receiving any last month, the thought we might go another thirty plus days without word from the Alpha Quadrant seemed ominous. When I met up with him, Harry told me we did receive this datastream as scheduled, but they'd worked all night without getting anything out of it. He was heading to Astrometrics to help Seven unravel the message as we spoke. Later on, we heard they were successful.

 

The reason they'd had so much trouble became clear when Harry realized Starfleet had sent us a holographic Lieutenant Reginald Barclay! He told us to call him Reg. He was sent to unveil Starfleet's plan to get us home by using a geodesic fold in space, a kind of gateway. He brought technology designed to allow us to accomplish this. Sounds good on paper, but we'd already considered using that sort of anomaly to get us home and concluded it was too dangerous to attempt. Reg assured us all the problems have been solved. We have to beef up our shielding and create a more advanced anti-radiation vaccine first, however. They'll work together to protect us. He says.

 

Harry was enthusing about tasting his Mom's apple pie next week. I hated to be a wet blanket, but I had to remind him how our "shortcuts" tended to blow up in our faces. There was Arturis and his slipstream drive _Dauntless_ con, which almost got us assimilated by the Borg. Then there was the giant pitcher plant in space that convinced us we were going to get home via a wormhole, when what it really wanted to do was digest us (and almost did). When we first got to the Delta Quadrant, we discovered a wormhole which allowed us to speak with a Romulan scientist. After we discovered there was a time rift in that wormhole, we had to warn him not say anything until after _Voyager_ was actually lost in the Delta Quadrant. Unfortunately, the Romulan died four years before the Caretaker snatched us away. If Telek ever did said anything to anyone about us, they probably thought he was nuts. Despite my attempts to splash cold water on his expectations, Harry refused to be swayed.

 

I've got to admit, the Reg hologram is fun. He does great impressions of the crew, and he really seems to know what he's doing. Still, I'm not completely sold on the whole deal. My assignment is to plot our course through this huge red giant. The fold is going to be formed inside it, forming our gateway. And there's the rub. There's a _LOT_ of radiation inside that star. It worries me, no matter what Reg says about shielding upgrades and enhanced medication. Just when my life is going great with B'Elanna, I don't want to lose everything by a simple miscalculation. I'd prefer to be sure it's going to work the way he says it will before we try anything like that.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54211.6_

Poor Harry. We saw him in the mess hall today, getting ready to dig into Neelix's version of Mom's Apple Pie. He was down in the dumps about our failure to get home.

 

It _had_ to be a hoax of some kind. The Reg hologram grabbed Seven and jumped into an escape pod to try to get to the collapsing geodesic fold gateway before it closed up completely. If he'd been on the up and up, when the opening started closing, he wouldn't have stolen Seven. Harry got a transporter lock on both of them in time to save Seven as well as the Doc's mobile emitter, since Reg was using it at the time.

 

Seven said Reg attacked her when she tried to warn the captain she'd detected several kinds of lethal radiation in the star we hadn't accounted for in our vaccine or shielding upgrades. We couldn't get a clear story out of the Reg hologram about why he did it, either. There was some sort of security lock on his program. B'Elanna and Seven couldn't remove it during their diagnostic, so we deactivated him. I hope we'll find out what really happened in next month's datastream. The truth is, we may never know what this was all about.

 

B'Elanna and I tried to cheer Harry up. I told him we'd been in touch with an Iconian scientist who said he knew of a transdimensional gateway which would take us anywhere in the galaxy. At first Harry said he wasn't _that_ gullible, but when B'Elanna said it was true, hope returned. Poor Harry! He really _is_ that gullible. Maybe we were mean to play that joke on him, but that boy has to learn to be more discriminating in what he'll believe!

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54238.9_

Since the Doc was away with Seven and Harry on a scientific survey, I got the call about Tuvok's illness. He's seldom sick. When I told him to come to Sickbay, he asked me to come to his quarters instead. When I got there, Tuvok had the classic symptoms of a viral infection: fever, headache, respiratory distress, tremors. When I suggested an anti-flu medication, however, Tuvok insisted he didn't have an infection. He had a "neurochemical imbalance." This wasn't the first time I'd heard that phrase. I remember it vividly from the time Vorik attacked B'Elanna and tried to make her his mate. I also knew, from my musings when we were stuck in the gravity well eating spiders with Noss, that Tuvok's _pon farr_ was due.

 

Tuvok told me the Doc had made up a medicine they hoped would get him through the _pon farr,_ as long as he maintained a rigorous schedule of meditation. I promised I'd get it for him and put him on medical leave for the duration. Tuvok asked me not to let anyone know what was wrong with him. "All I see on my tricorder is a bad case of Tarkalean Flu," I said as I left.

 

I hope the treatment works. I do have a back-up plan, based on what the Doc tried once before. It didn't work too well for Vorik, but I hope Tuvok might respond better.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54242.7_

 

I guess I should add that this is the _Acting Chief Medical Officer's Personal Log_ , too. I've been spending as much time distributing meds and bandages as I have at the helm since the Doc went on that away mission with Harry and Seven.

 

It's clear the plan for Tuvok hasn't worked. He told me the mating instinct in Vulcans actually gets stronger as they age, and now I believe it. Tuvok is almost a hundred years old. (I told him I was glad there was some payoff for all that Vulcan discipline, but he didn't even raise an eyebrow at the crack.) He hasn't been able to meditate his way out of his state of arousal.

 

I suggested my back-up plan: hologram therapy. It didn't work for Vorik, but since Tuvok has been through _pon farr_ many times with his wife, I thought it had a better chance of success for him. We could use photos of T'Pel to create her holocharacter, to give him a focus for his meditation as well as provide him some physical relief. It's not the perfect solution, obviously, but Tuvok was desperate enough to give it a try.

 

I did what I consider a tasteful job of dressing the holoprogram with romantic lighting from flickering candles. I created as accurate a representation of his wife I could, considering our time constraints. Tuvok entered the program, and I hoped he'd be back to his normal self in no time.

 

As luck would have it, we were confronted by a ship of aliens identifying themselves as the Lokirrim within minutes of the program's start. They accused us of harboring "photonic insurgents." The captain agreed to shut down our holodecks to placate them. Poor Tuvok! "If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all . . . etc." You should recognize the song, Personal Log. I played it often enough during my first year on _Voyager_.

 

The Lokirrim captain wanted to board _Voyager_ to "inspect" us. The captain was at her growling best when she refused to let him, but she graciously offered to allow the Lokirrim to accompany our ship out of their territory. Wisely, he agreed. His ship's weapons are no match for ours. We've been cooperating with them per our agreement, but now we're getting worried about the away team. They haven't checked in with us per protocol, and we have no idea where they are.

 

Tuvok, stoic that he is, managed to drag himself into his uniform and is on the bridge now, searching for the Delta Flyer's ion trail. So far, no luck. The captain wants him to leave his station and go back to his quarters to "rest." After so many years working with him, she knows his pattern well. The last time he had the "Tarkalean Flu" was seven years ago. So far, Tuvok remains at his post. If we can dodge the Lokirrim ship, which is no match for _Voyager_ , maybe we can get Tuvok back into the program with his wife and help him return to normal. So far, the captain is sticking with her agreement with Captain Lokirrim (or whatever his name is). So no holodeck activity for Tuvok until we can leave the Lokirrim behind us.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 52447.1_

All is back to normal, more or less. We got a message from Seven/Doc (I'll explain later, Personal Log) and ditched Captain Lokirrim's ship to go to the rescue of our away team. They're back, along with the Delta Flyer. And although we did break our promise to be good little Starfleeters and remain in Captain Lokirrim's company to the borders of Lokirrim space, we might not have made that terrible impression upon them, when all is said and done. 

 

It turned out another Lokirrim patrol vessel had captured our away team, accusing them of the crime of "harboring photonic insurgents" (the Doc). When they inspected the Delta Flyer, a bit of space rock the team had collected for the synthesis of medicines was confiscated. The Lokirrim then added a charge of "creating biogenic weapons" to the tally. The Lokirrim intended to decompile the program of any photonic they found, but the Doc and Seven found an ingenious hiding place for him. She downloaded Doc's program into her cybernetic implants to conceal his presence. The only evidence of his existence was his mobile emitter, which Seven claimed was her portable regeneration unit. Seven and Harry were thrown into the Lokirrim ship's brig, although when Seven/Doc told them she/he could provide medical care, Seven/Doc had a lot more freedom on the ship. Eventually, they were able to contact us to let the captain know where they were. The captain smoked the Lokirrim ship that was shepherding us as well as the one holding our away team. We recovered them all, including the Delta Flyer.

 

During the confrontation with _Voyager_ , the Lokirrim Captain Ranek (I did find out his name) was badly injured. Doc refused to leave until he'd treated him and saved his life. Jaryn, the Lokirrim woman who was their acting medic (a lot of that going around, I see), finally understood Doc wasn't like the photonics who were fighting the Lokirrim. Doc was more than friendly with her, I found out later. More than friendly with Ranek, too, as it turned out. There was a _lot_ more to this story than the official log version. Harry filled me in.  

 

When Seven downloaded the Doc into her implants, his personality overwhelmed hers. Seven was prancing around and speaking with Doc's mannerisms. His first chance to experience life in a living body was a real trip for him, and he took advantage of it in every way he could. The taste of food was a revelation. He managed to down an entire New York cheesecake, several Ktarian chocolates, and seven or eight glasses of wine in one evening. Now, the Doc knows Seven's metabolism can't handle synthehol well. Did that stop him? No-o-o. He was so lost in the glory of exploring sensations he'd never experienced before that he abused her body unmercifully. Not sexually, fortunately, or I think _Seven_ might have decompiled his program when she was able to be herself. He did flirt, however. The Doc was very attracted to Jaryn, who's a lovely woman from Harry's account as well as Doc's. He flirted with Ranek, too, but that was the way he obtained the codes which allowed Seven to contact _Voyager_ and work with us when we were trying to save our away team.

 

It all worked out in the end. While the Lokirrim on Ranek's ship may not have changed their opinion of their own photonics' insurgency (which does seem to be a very dangerous situation, from what the Doc and Seven has heard about it), they acknowledged Doc was an honorable being and a fine physician because, despite everything that happened, his adherence to the Hippocratic Oath came before his own safety. They made sure he left them before another Lokirrim ship could arrive and prevent his escape.

 

I must admit this was one time I would have loved to have been in two places at once. The farce going down on Ranek's ship is probably worthy of a holodeck program in itself, although the main participants will undoubtedly put the kibosh on any attempt of mine to recreate it. I'm glad I was on _Voyager_ though. Tuvok needed me.

 

After we escaped from Lokirrim space, Tuvok was able to return to the holodeck to finish his program with the facsimile of his T'Pel. By that time he was at the end of his tether, and he really needed the help. I saw him this morning in the corridor. He looked like our Tuvok again, imperturbable to those uninitiated in Vulcan ways. (I am well aware of what to look for by now, and I know Vulcan relief when I see it.) I asked him how he was feeling. He replied he was doing well. He rather severely pointed out I'd made T'Pel's ears a little too long, and that a hologram was "no substitute" for his wife.

 

I could have gotten snarky here. I get way more pleasure at teasing Tuvok than I probably should, now that I'm a mature married man myself. I'm very glad Tuvok survived so he has the chance to experience his next _pon farr_ the way it's supposed to be, with his wife T'Pel in his arms, not a photonic imitation. So I took the high road and answered, "Of course." And I meant it.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54266.7_

The datastream came through this month without a hitch. No duplicitous holograms attached, no subliminal messages or bogus instructions allegedly from Starfleet. We know, because Harry and Seven went over the entire transmission with a fine tooth comb, and when we sent our replies, Starfleet quickly sent back confirmation that reassured us this transmission to us was legit!

 

Despite the problems with the previous transmissions, Starfleet had less techie stuff to send us. There was more room for personal messages, to the captain as well as to the rest of us.

 

Most important to me, I heard from Mom. Finally! She sent me a short letter, text only, because she'd attached a picture drawn by a child named Tommy. Reading between the lines of Mom's letter, and because of that picture, I received a secondary message that pleased B'Elanna as well as me. Mom spoke of her work with the orphaned kids of the Maquis. Unspoken was that she was working with surviving Maquis, too. The picture told the tale. Little Tommy is the son of an old friend of mine from the Academy. Mom knew her well when we were there together. This friend is doing very well, a vedek now, and she's "like another daughter" to Mom. There's only one old friend who fits. Ro Laren. She's alive, and she must be doing great, especially if she's the mother of a little boy she named after me! At least, I'd like to think he's my namesake.

 

Mom's letter was held back because of the "Reg" hologram fiasco. She didn't know anything about our marriage at the time she sent it off. We quickly got together a few of the Doc's images from our wedding, which the captain agreed to send to her in the return data stream. I hope Mom and my sisters will forgive us for getting married when they couldn't attend the wedding.

 

I also received a letter from my dad, but it wasn't exactly a new one. The captain let Starfleet know that some of the first messages they'd sent us through the Hirogen network never arrived, and that mine was one of them. Dad sent me what he'd sent then, with a new postscript added, wishing B'Elanna and me happiness in our marriage and congratulating me for getting my rank back. B'Elanna was extremely curious about that letter. It was the one that started coming through but got lost when the Hirogen destroyed their system before we'd received it all.

 

My dad encouraged me to follow Captain Janeway's orders meticulously, because she would have a big say in how Starfleet viewed me once we came home. Her recommendation could influence the brass' decision. He didn't exactly say I would be able to receive a pardon for my previous misdeeds and stay in Starfleet if I kept my nose clean, but it was certainly implied. He also informed me that my Great Grandmother Christina Paris died shortly after I was lost with _Voyager_. He said she insisted, to the end, that I wasn't dead and would reappear someday, "covered in glory."

 

B'Elanna seemed very surprised by that news. I remembered she had been unable to download my letter from home, even though Harry's came through in its entirety after mine incurred problems. I became suspicious and asked B'Elanna if more of that letter came through than she'd admitted to me. She sighed and said she got bits of the "be a good boy for Janeway" part, and that my "mother" had died. The "great-grand" part of great grandmother never came through. B'Elanna didn't want to give me the fragments she'd managed to recover because she thought I'd be upset learning, in what she thought was a very cold way, that my mom had died. I hugged B'Elanna and said it was okay. Now we knew the truth. Mom's okay. "Granny" Paris was almost 115 when she died. I wasn't surprised Dad wasn't overwhelmingly sad when he reported the news. She'd led a good life. My only regret is "Granny" Paris didn't live to find out she was right about my survival, and that "her Tommy" had managed to go a long way towards redeeming himself since he got lost in the Delta Quadrant.

 

B'Elanna didn't expect any letters, but the one she received was filled with news, even though it was short. Her cousin Elizabeth Torres wrote to tell her the entire Torres family was delighted to hear she was safe on _Voyager_. They'd been told B'Elanna was "Missing, Presumed Dead" after the loss of the _Val Jean_. There was a bit of chatty news about Elizabeth's brothers. She asked B'Elanna to write back and promised to write again soon if B'Elanna did.

 

The bombshell concerned B'Elanna's mother Miral. Elizabeth extended her condolences to B'Elanna on her mother's loss, in the way people do when they presume the death is already well known. Elizabeth must have thought Starfleet informed B'Elanna about the shuttle craft accident which had taken Miral's life. It occurred right around the time of B'Elanna's near death experience last year. This news wasn't totally unexpected, since B'Elanna saw her mother on the Barge of the Dead, but it was awful to have Miral's death confirmed like this. After the way B'Elanna's vision ended, with Miral's comment they might meet again when B'Elanna returned home, we'd both hoped she was still alive. I held B'Elanna for a long while after that. B'Elanna doesn't cry often, but when she does, it doesn't end quickly.

 

So our mail call brought us good news as well as bad. Someone we were afraid was lost turned out to be thriving. A person we hoped was okay was dead. While I held B'Elanna in my arms, I renewed my determination to do everything in my power to make Miral feel I'd regained my honor, which was always so important to her. If she's in Sto-Vo-Kor, maybe she'll know.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Personal Log Addendum_

 

One other bit of news arrived in the latest data stream. We found out the real story of "Reg" and our aborted trip home to the Alpha Quadrant. Chakotay informed the senior staff about it.

 

Lieutenant Barclay sent us a hologram of himself in the data stream which never showed up. My dad and the rest of the staff at Pathfinder assumed the file was too big to get through, so they deleted a bunch of extraneous elements and sent it a second time last month. As far as they knew at Pathfinder, the hologram got stuck again.

 

In reality, a group of Ferengi had managed to intercept the first hologram and tweak its program to their own nefarious ends. They wanted Seven's Borg nanoprobes to sell to a multitude of buyers at an amazing profit. They had no qualms about killing everyone on _Voyager_ to get their hands on them. This new and ethically challenged Reg hologram, the one we received, was assigned to set up their plan on our end.

 

The geodesic fold plan would have worked and brought our ship to where they were waiting. A ghost ship _Voyager_. The Ferengi knew every living thing would be dead from radiation when it arrived. The Reg hologram was supposed to delete the Doc's program once the ship got into the fold so he couldn't interfere with their plans. After the Ferengi got hold of Seven's corpse (and probably Icheb's and Aimee's, although they might not have realized the kids had nanoprobes running around in their bodies, too), they were going to shove _Voyager_ and the remains of everyone else into a star to destroy the evidence.

 

The real Reg Barclay was mortified his "loose lips" to ex-girlfriend Leosa gave the Ferengi the information they needed to set up their plot. Fortunately, when she was being interrogated by my father, Barclay, and Deanna Troi, she said enough about the profit she'd been promised from the sale of Borg nanoprobes that they were able to figure out our danger in time.

 

The Ferengi received a message from "Reg" that Captain Janeway knew about the plot and possessed technology which would allow _Voyager_ to get through the fold with its crew intact. She'd vowed vengeance on the plotters who were willing to endanger her people and wanted to blow them into subatomic particles with weapons obtained from the Borg, the Hirogen, etc.

 

Now Ferengi are successful businessmen, I'll give them that, but a lot of them aren't the sharpest knives in the block. Courage isn't high on their list of desired attributes, either. This bunch bought what "their hologram" told them, and collapsed the geodosic fold. Of course, it was the real Lieutenant Barclay impersonating his stolen hologram, and they didn't get away, either. The _Carolina_ had been dispatched by Starfleet to capture them, and they did.

 

When I heard this story, the name Leosa rang a bell, especially when I heard that one of the Ferengi was called Nunk. In my disreputable days scraping around the fringes of the galaxy, before I met up with Ro and joined the Maquis, I'd been introduced to a Ferengi casino operator named Nunk and his "dabo girl" Leosa. She was a pretty little thing, with an icicle for a heart, who would sleep with anyone for a price. Nunk was her pimp. I'm not going to say how I know this, but Leosa was a good actress, capable of playing any role. I'm sure she could have fooled Barclay into thinking she cared for him. I'm relatively sure they're the same two I encountered in those bad old days.

 

It wouldn't be a good idea to tell B'Elanna about this. I may share it with the captain, but I'll have to think about it some more before I decide whether it's worth spilling to anyone else. This month's return data stream is already away, and the window of communication has closed up. With the Ferengi and Leosa in custody, I hope it's not going to be that important.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54275.9_

B'Elanna has been saying we needed to complete a major maintenance overhaul for the past several weeks. As soon as we received the last datastream, the captain succumbed to her blandishments and had me set _Voyager_ down the surface of an uninhabited planet. It's true we can complete work down here on tasks which are hard to do when we're flying along in space. But that was the last bit of fun I've had for the past week. It's been one drudge assignment after another. I didn't even draw the away team flight looking for dilithium in the Delta Flyer. Harry got the call, with Neelix and Seven as his crew. Much as I hate to be separated from my wife, I'd have been much happier on that mission than scrubbing plasma manifolds with a toothbrush.

 

One plus: Icheb was assigned to Engineering. He's shown promise filling the role of Mr. Fixit. B'Elanna told me tonight they're now ahead of schedule. Maybe he can help us get off this rock sooner. I won't really be happy until we can fly away from here, with me at the helm.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54277.7_

Harry's come and gone. While he was looking for dilithium, he answered a distress call from a Kraylor medical transport vessel that was under attack. Harry helped fight off the aggressors. With Seven's help, they completed repairs on the ship and brought the survivors to _Voyager_. This Dr. Loken asked the captain for help getting back to their own planet, since the only one of their own crew with any flight experience is Terek, and he's not much more than a cadet. This is Terek's first time in space.

 

When I heard the captain agreed to allow him to fly the Kraylor medical transport home, I begged Harry to take me with him. Harry said no. For once, he wants to be "Captain Proton and not Buster Kincaid." I do understand. Maybe it _is_ time for him to step up and be in charge for once. Seven will accompany him. Since she has no formal rank, Harry will be "captain" for this trip.

 

Now, if one of the other shuttles comes back and needs to go out again, I wonder if I can convince the captain to let me take over that assignment? I'm getting desperate!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54278.3_

  1. I'm feeling a little better about being planetside this morning. B'Elanna realized how unhappy I've been down here and tried to make it up to me with a nice dinner, a movie on the TV, and a tumble in the sack. And just about everywhere else in our quarters. It was very, very nice. Before I get back to scrubbing manifolds today, I'll have to fix a few pieces of furniture and stop by Sickbay to get myself a new dermal regenerator, but it was worth it. We had lots of fun.



 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54280.9_

I met up with Icheb in the corridor this morning. He seemed a bit down, so I told him he needed to have some fun. B'Elanna told me she was going to take him rock climbing on the holodeck one day soon for a little R & R. I kidded him, wondering if I should be worried about him spending so much time with my wife. He suddenly got so spooked, I figured I'd better change the subject. I told him car racing was more fun and challenged him to a car race on the holodeck. I noticed he became even more nervous, but he agreed.

 

Tonight I was surprised to hear he's decided not to go rock climbing with B'Elanna after all. She said he told her they had to "break it off" because B'Elanna's "interest in him was inappropriate." He'd apparently misinterpreted her praise for his good work in Engineering as B'Elanna flirting with him. At first she admitted she was upset. After all, she's a lot older than he is, and she's a married woman! Then she took pity on him and let him down easy. She agreed that as hard as it was, he was right. They'd have to "end it." That means no car race for me, either, I suppose.

 

She laughed, but she was sad, too. "He was doing so well, Tom. I hate losing his help! I guess we'll have to do without it." I suggested she assign some of his diagnostics to me. Anything, to get me off scrubbing duty for the duration! I don't know how many more plasma manifolds there are to be cleaned. If any are left, maybe the captain can ask Icheb to take over _that_ task.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54284.5_

 

Harry's back from his "humanitarian mission," in command of the " _Nightingale_ ," which is what he'd dubbed the spacecraft he was bringing to the Kraylor home world. He thought naming it after Florence Nightingale was appropriate for a medical transport. Except there weren't any medicines on board the ship. Their real cargo was the cloak which was hiding the vessel from the Annari. Harry knew the Annari were in conflict with the Kraylor. It was an Annari ship he had to fight off when he first met Dr. Loken and his staff. The Annari were going to trade dilithium and new deuterium injectors for zoelitic ore with us, but when they realized Harry was flying the Kraylor ship, they ordered us off the planet. All trade talk was over because _Voyager_ had "taken sides" in the conflict. And, in a way, we had. We're lucky we'd finished the repairs best completed on a planet before we were ordered away.

 

Assuming Dr. Loken was telling the truth, this really was something of a humanitarian mission. He said the cloak was necessary because the blockade by Annari ships around the Kraylor world prevented the delivery of food and medicines to the planet. This is a textbook case of "shades of gray." Who knows who is telling the truth about the fight? Both may have been fudging the truth. Or maybe both are telling us the truth, just leaving the parts out that make them look bad.

 

Harry admitted that command of the _Nightingale_ wasn't all he'd hoped it would be. He said he isn't ready to be a captain quite yet. Seven had been quite critical of his command style, which I didn't think was all that surprising. Seven can be openly critical of Captain Janeway's command style sometimes! He admitted Seven had been right about some things, though. He'd been afraid to delegate responsibility to young Terek at first, doing too much himself, and he was tried to overcontrol everything. It took a mutiny by Dr. Loken for Harry to realize what he'd been doing wrong. He felt a bit better about things by the end of the mission, once he'd allowed himself to trust Terek to follow orders. The mission, over all, was successful.

 

Harry's got a way to go before he's ready for command, but knowing that fact is undoubtedly one of the steps a young officer must accept before he's really on the way to getting there. I'm proud of my "Buster." He _is_ on his way.

 

_End Personal Log_

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54327.4_

 

We responded to a distress call today at a station built by the Hirogen. It turned out to be a "training facility" for young hunters. I was part of the away team that beamed in. The setting was lush, but it was holographic. When we turned off the holoemitters, the floor of the station was littered with the bodies of 43 dead Hirogen hunters. We only found one living Hirogen, and he was a holoemitter technician, not a hunter.

 

Another Hirogen ship also answered the call. We realized the holograms who'd populated the station to serve as cannon fodder for the trainees had escaped in a hunter's ship which had been equipped with holoemitters. We followed them, but the holograms were enhanced models, capable of learning. Think the Doc, crossed with Michael Sullivan, crossed with a freedom fighter/terrorist (take your pick of terminology, Personal Log). The holograms managed to blow up a Hirogen ship, and we had to transport the survivors onto _Voyager_ to save them.

 

I had to treat the wounded Hirogen, because the fugitive holograms stole the Doc's program. I guess they wanted to "free" their fellow photonic.

 

The hunters are the top of the Hirogen food chain. This techie Hirogen doesn't strike me as one who would be very successful as a hunter. For one thing, he's a little guy. He's not at all like the ones we've met previously. Seven did have a decent experience with one Hirogen a few months ago, when she and Tuvok had been kidnapped by a Norcadi promoter to become a Tsunkatse combatant. We were shocked when we were in the audience and saw her in one of her fights. A Hirogen hunter who'd been captured to fight years ago helped both of them survive. When we rescued our crew, we freed him as well. All he wanted to do was search for his son, who was with him when the promoter captured the hunter.

 

I'd like to think that shows they're not all like the humongous hunter who was tracking the dying Fluidian, or the stupid ones who wrecked their own communications array in their zeal to go after us. This Donik seems to be a decent sort. He wants to help us and rectify what he sees as his big mistake. He followed his superior's orders to enhance the holograms to such an extent they're now wreaking havoc on the Hirogen. From the wreckage of that training facility, the superiors may be as stupid as the ones who wrecked their communications network.

 

_End Personal Log_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_Personal Log Addendum_

We've got to go after these creeps. The photonics stole my wife! I need to get B'Elanna back from them before they attack her the way Dejaren did!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54337.6_

 

B'Elanna's back. With the help of Donik, we followed the two Hirogen ships who were in pursuit of the renegade photonics' ship, without being detected. When the Hirogen hunters caught up with them, the photonics managed to kill all but five of the hunters. After the matrix of Iden, the leader of the photonics, was destroyed, we were able to convince the remaining Hirogen to leave holoemitter-equipped ship behind. Captain Janeway suggested it would be bad for their reputations if it were known their prey had escaped. If everyone agreed to say the fugitives' ship was destroyed, no one would ever know about their failure. Depleted as they were, the surviving hunters decided to go along with the captain's suggestion.

 

B'Elanna told us one of the holograms helped her when she was Iden's captive. This Kejal, a holographic representation of a Cardassian female, promised to keep the remaining holograms safe. She's currently holding them in the fugitive ship's database.  Iden's plan was to settle them on a Demon class planet, which is unsuitable for settlement by other species, including the Hirogen. Iden was a very smart photonic. Too bad he was also a megalomaniac. Doc found that out too late, after he'd helped him kidnap B'Elanna. She's okay. We were able to rescue her. I guess I already said that, Personal Log. I'm a little muddled. It's been a tough week.

 

Donik, the Hirogen techie, volunteered to stay on the ship with Kejal to reprogram the surviving photonic matrices and prevent them from being too dangerous again. Donik wants to undo the damage he feels he did to them by following the orders of the Hirogen Alpha who wanted a "serious challenge," which turned out to be a lot more of a challenge than he'd anticipated. I hope he's successful. We have to trust he'll do the right thing. Kejal told B'Elanna that if they're successful and the surviving photonics do move to a Demon planet, they'll make sure Donik is left somewhere safe to be "found." If they decide on another hiding place where Donik can survive, he may stay with them permanently. He seemed to get along very well with Kejal.

 

The Doc is pretty down. He told the captain to take away his mobile emitter to punish him for his treachery. The captain wouldn't accept it from him. She told him it was a case of "unintended consequences," and she's guilty of it, too. If she hadn't given the Hirogen the holographic technology in the first place, this couldn't have happened. Of course, she traded it to them in return for our freedom when several Hirogen ships were locked in a stalemate with us. I don't know where we would have been if the captain hadn't made that deal back then.

 

Sometimes unpalatable circumstances arise no matter what you do. You just have to make the best choices you can and live with the consequences, no matter what they are. I think the captain needs to learn that lesson herself.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54358.9_

 

We had another temporal incident. No wonder the Federation Temporal Police are keeping such a close eye on us.

 

Harry told me he was on the bridge when the captain asked Chakotay why he'd ordered B'Elanna to burn out the deflector array. Chakotay said he couldn't tell her because of the Temporal Prime Directive. Apparently something happened, but the time stream has been repaired in some way that only our First Officer is privy to.

 

Since we're going along okay now, I should simply forget I ever heard anything about what Chakotay said. I would, if I hadn't been tabbed to be on the work crew to fix the deflector with Harry, Seven, and B'Elanna's engineering crew. Everyone speculated constantly on what must have happened while we worked on the repairs.

 

Talk about _déjà vu_ all over again!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54444.7_

 

I'm trying to keep my cool, but it's difficult. I can't believe it, but it's true.

 

B'Elanna collapsed in Engineering today. That's very unusual in itself. Icheb was there, and he told Seven he detected a "parasite" inside Lieutenant Torres.

 

I think Icheb needs my expertise in the Sex Education line, because that "parasite" is my soon-to-be offspring. B'Elanna is pregnant!

 

It's pretty amazing, actually. Usually, Klingons and humans need assistance in the conception department. However, after B'Elanna's pregnancy was confirmed, the Doc did a little "further investigation" and discovered that her parents must have been unsure which species she might wish to mate with someday. Taking the organ redundancy pattern Klingons have developed during their evolution as a guide, her parents made sure B'Elanna's ovaries contained eggs which allow conception with a human or a Klingon without any special help. (A Vulcan or a Talaxian would have needed help, of course.)

 

The Doc said she's about seven or eight weeks pregnant. I remember that wonderful night B'Elanna and I spent when we were stuck on that planet doing all sorts of maintenance chores on _Voyager's_ systems. That might have been "Baby Making Night."

 

I'm ecstatic. We'll have great news to send home through this month's datastream. I'm certain the captain will make sure messages to my family and B'Elanna's cousin aren't held up. My parents are going to be so happy to finally get to be grandparents! It's unfortunate they'll miss most of our baby's childhood, unless we find a wormhole or something that will get us home sooner.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54449.6_

 

B'Elanna is calmer now. I hope she finally realizes how much she means to me. How much our marriage means to me. And, especially, how wonderful it is that my daughter is going to look exactly the way she should look, like a Klingon and human hybrid, a beautiful little baby with her mother's Klingon forehead and my eyes.

 

The Doc found our baby had a spinal curvature, a common defect in Klingons, which would need to be fixed at some point. B'Elanna's mother Miral and B'Elanna both had to have corrective surgery when they were little. With the Doc's program stuffed with advanced techniques developed since B'Elanna was a child, he was able to make the correction in utero, using genetic resequencing. In the course of his talk with us, he let slip our baby was going to be a girl. Since we knew that, we asked him to show us a holographic projection of (approximately) how she'll look once she's born, based upon her DNA pattern.

 

When I first saw her face, I'm sure I burbled incoherently. She was perfect. B'Elanna got all quiet, which I usually recognize is a bad sign; but I was so excited, I didn't notice it at the time.

 

For a couple of days, B'Elanna seemed pensive. I chalked it up to prenatal jitters. After all, we _are_ traveling in the Delta Quadrant, and life here isn't exactly safe. When she did talk to me about what was bothering her, I was appalled. She wanted to do more genetic changes, to "prevent potential health problems." She didn't fool me. I knew this was really about not wanting our child to look Klingon. I ended up sleeping on Harry's couch the other night.

 

Then the Doc called us in for another conference. He said the clash between human and Klingon metabolism could cause more problems than he'd originally thought when B'Elanna first spoke to him about it. Now he agreed with her. Huge sections of our baby's DNA needed to be replaced.

 

I vividly recall when Dr. Sulan split B'Elanna's genome apart and reconstituted two of her, one all Klingon and one all human. After Klingon B'Elanna was killed during _Voyager's_ rescue of us from the Vidiians, Doc had to reintegrate her DNA into the surviving human half of B'Elanna. She needed those genes to be able to digest food properly. While it was possible my genes might have supplied what was missing for our baby, I wanted a second opinion. After all, we are privileged to have on _Voyager_ a young man who has already proven to be quite a whiz in genetics. I took the Doc's evaluation to Icheb. He spotted a computational error in Doc's findings. Seven got suspicious and ran a diagnostic on the Doctor's program. Sure enough, she found it had been tampered with. There's only one person on board our ship who has the expertise and, more importantly, the expressed desire to make changes in Baby Paris' genome.

 

I confronted B'Elanna in Sickbay, just as she was about to undergo the procedure. I was able to convince the Doc to hold off until I'd had a chance to speak with her. Alone.

 

I've known of the inner conflict B'Elanna has suffered over her dual heritage ever since we were prisoners of the Vidiians' and Dr. Sulan. She'd told me then how her father had abandoned his family when B'Elanna was just a child. What she hadn't told me before is that she blames herself for his leaving them. There was a disastrous family camping trip B'Elanna took with her father, her uncle, and her cousins (including Elizabeth, the cousin she's been corresponding with). During that trip, B'Elanna overheard her father telling his brother he was finding it difficult living with "two Klingons." B'Elanna got angry and told him if he couldn't stand living with her and her mother, he should "just leave." And he did, only days later.

 

I felt so bad for her. I wished she'd told me about this before she became pregnant. If she had, I would have immediately understood what was bothering her when she suggested we make more genetic changes than the medical one indicated by the Doc's first evaluation. B'Elanna is afraid I'll leave her, too.

 

I took her in my arms and told her I'm not her father. I will never abandon my family the way her father left B'Elanna and her mother. I wouldn't mind having an entire basketball team of quarter-Klingon kids running around _Voyager_ , and that I'd want every one of them to look just like her. I reminded her she calls me "Mr. Klingon" when she thinks I'm getting too enthusiastic and bossy about the "Klingon stuff." I was the one who hounded her into getting involved in Klingon martial arts programs. I'm studying the language and reading Klingon scrolls with her. If there's any other way to make her happy with her Klingon lineage, she only has to ask me, and I'll do whatever I can to make it happen.

 

I mean, honestly, I was always such a handful for my parents, I don't see how our kids could be that much harder to handle than I was. I crashed the family flitter into Lake Tahoe (it's probably still there). I was a snarky human teenager who did his best to mess up his life, even after hitting adulthood. At least B'Elanna and I know how that Klingon side can manifest itself. We'll be better prepared to deal with it when it happens.

 

And then I told B'Elanna I love her more than I will _ever_ find the right words to say, and I always will. Completely. Passionately. Forever.

 

I hope I've finally convinced her I mean it. I do mean it.

 

But . . . Mr. John "Deadbeat Dad" Torres better watch out when we get back to the Alpha Quadrant. I plan on beating him to a pulp if I ever meet him. He'll be sorry he was ever born. _My_ "Klingon Side" will be showing.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54452.9_

 

This morning, B'Elanna apologized to the Doc for tampering with his program. He accepted it as graciously as he is capable, from what B'Elanna told me. Then, as we'd agreed before she met with the Doc, B'Elanna asked him to be the baby's godfather. He accepted "with pleasure." He'll be a good one, I think. A little on the pompous side, but he'll be devoted to her, I'm sure.

 

Now we have to choose a name for our baby. We won't be asking him to help us with that, of course. He still hasn't chosen a name for himself yet. It's been over six years since he was activated, and he's _still_ "The EMH" or "Doc." As in, "What's up, Doc?"

 

I do love Bugs Bunny, but really. This is getting ridiculous!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54508.1_

 

When we encountered the old-fashioned Klingon ship way out in the Delta Quadrant, I must admit I was surprised. The people on board had been traveling in this direction for about a hundred years, or their ancestors had. Several generations had lived and died on this ship already. The group was of a sect which had interpreted certain sacred scrolls. A _kuvah'magh,_ or "savior of our people," would appear one day and lead this group to their own home, where they could practice the beliefs of their ancestors as "uncorrupted Klingons" without interference.

 

While I thought the subject intriguing and didn't mind looking into these sacred texts, I was less happy when the Klingons decided my unborn daughter was their _kuvah'magh_ . They destroyed their own ship to force us to bring them on board _Voyager_. Two hundred and two Klingons added to our one hundred and fifty _Voyager_ residents make for a rather crowded ship, since the ship was designed to house no more than two hundred crew at a time. While some, like the leader Kohlar, were relatively friendly once they accepted the Federation and the Klingon Empire were the "two warring houses that had made peace" predicted in their scrolls, others rejected the idea that a three-quarters human child could be their _kuvah-magh_.

 

It's ironic. B'Elanna is always trying to stay on an even emotional keel, and here's a situation in which she has to prove her super-Klingonness to other Klingons.

 

On a humorous note, Harry has found another attainable woman. Of course, he doesn't want her. Ch'Rega is a very forward young woman. Poor Harry. She scares him to death. Neelix seems like he might be up for the challenge. He's gone through quite a dry spell since Kes left the ship and might be ready for some Klingon-style romance. Now he just has to get Ch'Rega to notice him.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54521.6_

 

I was trying to help out. The sacred scroll containing the prophecy about the _kuvah-magh_ established certain criteria for the mother of the savior. B'Elanna and I prepared a presentation to the Klingon High Council showing how she met those criteria. For example, the defeat of the Borg counted as the "glorious defeat against ten thousand warriors." There were a lot more drones than that on the Borg cube she boarded during the Unimatrix Zero incident, and our clashes with the Hirogen, among others, should have counted in her favor, too. However, one of the council members, T'Greth, refused to accept what she had to say and challenged me to a duel to the death. I'm pretty good with a bat'leth at this point, but fighting a death duel right before my daughter was due to be born wasn't something I was looking forward to doing.

 

The captain refused to sanction a battle to the death, however. We were allowed to use blunted bath'leths, which could do a fair amount of damage as is. I was holding my own during the fight, but T'Greth collapsed before I mounted any serious attacks on him.

 

He's got a genetic disorder. All of the Klingons have it. The _nehret_ is a medical condition which creates a sudden collapse of the warrior's abilities, similar to the human disorder Alzheimer's Disease. For someone who is eager to die an honorable death in battle, to succumb to such an illness is a fate worse than the death that comes so soon afterwards.

 

And now my wife and daughter have contracted this disease, which unlike Alzheimer's, "has no cure" according to T'Greth. I feel helpless. We're heading towards a planet that might become the home they've been looking for, but if it costs me my family, I don't know how I'll keep going.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54529.8_

 

We're in orbit over our Klingons' new home planet. They're not asking their _kuvah-magh_ and her parents to remain with them, since they don't need a savior any more. They've already been saved by my as-yet-unborn daughter.

 

When T'Greth was released from Sickbay, he and his cronies tried to take over the ship. They did manage to get the transporter under their control and sent most of the crew down to the planet's surface. They couldn't get control of the bridge, however, and all our people have been brought back up. The Klingon families are in the process of being transported down to their new home.

 

They won't have to fear the _nehret_ anymore, either. Doc, along with Icheb, his able young assistant in all matters genetic, studied the condition more closely. And they found a cure. The first one cured, who then cured all the others, was my unborn child.

 

Her hybrid DNA was the answer. If the scrolls were interpreted properly, and my daughter is the _kuvah-magh,_ she's their savior because of me. The baby's stem cells were used to cure every one of the Klingons of the genetic defect causing the _nehret_. B'Elanna had developed the condition on exposure, too. Icheb said the recessive genes she inherited from me, once they'd been altered to become dominant, were the ones critical to the Doc's cure. T'Greth was as abashed as any Klingon can be when he learned my little "mongrel" baby truly was his savior.

 

Kohlar presented the _kuvah-magh_ with a bat'leth handed down to him by his great grandfather, one of the warriors who first embarked on this long and strange journey. B'Elanna saw my eyes glisten when I saw it. She knows me well and forbade me from taking it onto the holodeck for my Klingon martial arts programs. I can't say I'm really sorry. It looks great mounted on the wall over the console in our quarters. A replicated blade will be good enough for me when I'm doing my exercises, but I wouldn't have minded using it at least once.

 

Neelix was able to wrest the attentions of Ch'Rega away from Harry and towards him. He said he did it as a favor to Harry. From the look of complete and utter satisfaction I saw on Neelix's face after he said good-bye to her, I'd say Neelix was the one who received the benefit. Ch'Rega said she'd miss Neelix, too. It was nice for Neelix to get some lub-lub-lub for a change. He deserves it. We're getting farther and farther away from Talax every minute. He's talking about opening up a Talaxian restaurant if we get to Earth soon, but who knows when that will be? While I'm sure he's happy here on _Voyager_ , I know he misses his own people, too. (If only we'd managed to save that helpful Talaxian from the Vidiians when B'Elanna and I escaped, he'd have had company. That still gets me whenever I think of it.)

 

Now we just have to come up with a name of some sort for the baby, even if it's not the one we finally settle on for our daughter after she's born. Even "squirt" would be preferable as a stand-in! My mom's name Alicia is pretty. We could always call her after the captain. I'm sure she'd be very pleased if our baby was her namesake. And now that we know B'Elanna's mom really has passed into Sto-Vo-Kor, Miral would be fitting, too. I'm not fond of dubbing my kid "Kuvahmagh," if you know what I mean, Personal Log. I know it's a sacred name and all that, but she's bound to be special no matter what we call her. To Kohlar and his Klingons, she already is.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54628.5_

 

Long time, no dictate, Personal Log. I know, I know. You thought I'd forgotten all about you. In fact, I did forget about you, but don't take it, well, personally. I didn't know about you because I didn't know anything at all about _Voyager_. I didn't remember my wife, or that she was having our child. We didn't even realize we belonged on a starship. All of us thought we knew who we were because we remembered our own names. Unfortunately, our names were among the few facts we _could_ remember about ourselves. All but a few of our memories had been tampered with. We all thought we'd come to the planet because we'd wanted to live where there were really good jobs.

 

From the Doc's official logs of the incident, we know _Voyager_ hit a subspace mine on Stardate 54580, which flooded the ship with poisonous tetryon gas. After activating the Emergency Command Hologram, the captain ordered everyone else to evacuate the ship in escape pods. Scavengers -- most likely the same pirates who planted the mine -- tried to claim _Voyager._ The ECH managed to slip away from the attackers and hide the ship in a nebula.

 

Three of our crew weren't on the ship at the time of the attack. Chakotay, Harry, and Neelix had taken the Flyer to trade for supplies. When they came back, they found a disabled _Voyager_ inside the nebula instead of at the rendezvous point which had been established before the trio left on their mission. The returned away team made what repairs they could to get the ship operational and then went hunting. They discovered us living on Quarra. When Chakotay contacted the authorities there, however, they insisted we were on Quarra of our own volition.

 

Neelix discovered this region of space suffers from a severe labor shortage. We later learned some people on this planet have dealt with it by allying themselves with pirates and kidnapping people from passing ships. It was a sweet deal for the pirates. They got to "salvage" the spaceships. I don't know if the ringleaders on Quarra paid them anything more for the attacks. The technological booty the pirates absconded with more than made up for any trouble they may have had capturing the ships. That is, until they met up with _Voyager_.

 

Most of our crew was hired to work in the power plant. That makes perfect sense, since the majority of our crew is in operations and has the know-how to operate energy systems of all types. I could have done okay at the power planet, if I'd wanted to. I guess when I forgot what Captain Janeway has done for me over the past six years, that old Paris dislike of authoritarian rules and regulations reared up in me again. I lasted a day. Well, honesty compels me to admit it was more like half a day before I was fired for insubordination.

 

That was good for me. I landed a job at a restaurant/bar which caters to the plant workers. Umali was a nice woman. She really did need help, but I couldn't claim any true bartending experience, since I couldn't remember programming Sandrine's or Michael's Pub in Fair Haven. I turned on the charm, and she gave me a chance. Maybe that programming background was enough for me to know what to do. My tips were pretty good, if I do say so myself. Umali's only real complaint about me was that I spent a little too much time flirting with pretty girls who came in, sometimes by offering "free drinks on the management." Umali wasn't into that kind of marketing move, although she didn't really lose anything by it. I don't think she did, anyway.

 

When I saw this one lovely woman come into the bar, I was immediately drawn to her. She didn't respond to my flirting, and I quickly discovered why. She was pregnant, and she wasn't married. Some scummy guy had knocked her up and left her to raise a kid on her own. I hated the guy immediately.

 

I didn't remember who she was. How could I know the scummy guy who knocked B'Elanna up was me?

 

When she insisted she wanted to be alone, I assured her I wasn't going to come on to her. I offered her friendship. I was aware of another couple who were having a baby, and I said I could set them up for a meeting to compare notes. And there was this blonde woman recently hired at the plant who also had a baby. Adopted, I thought, or else she also had been left by a guy who was of a different species. She'd brought her child in the first time she was in Umali's place, and I could see the differences between them. I told B'Elanna Marla could probably help her find good daycare, since I knew her little girl stayed in a nearby program while Marla worked her shifts. That broke the ice. The next few times we met, B'Elanna was quite cordial. I hoped something more could develop with us, given time.

 

Other people came into the bar that I should have known, but didn't. Kathryn Janeway came in on the arms of a guy named Jaffen. They hit it off really quickly. Next thing I know, they're celebrating her moving in with him. They looked very happy. I wished them well.

 

A beautiful but icy efficiency monitor from the plant named Annika Hansen and a rather silly guy who laughed too much at everybody's joke turned out to be, in retrospect, Seven of Nine and Tuvok. John Mulcahey and Tal Celes dropped by a few times. A Joe Carey had one drink, and one drink only, every day as soon as his shift had ended. I didn't recognize any of them, and none of them had any idea who I was.

 

On the day Kathryn and Jaffen decided to move in together, an odd alien named Neelix came to the bar with another guy, Amal Kotay. B'Elanna decided to leave, just before my own shift was over. I offered to walk her to the station, but she wanted to go alone. Neelix and Kotay walked out right after her. The next thing I know, the security forces were knocking on the bar's door, asking me about B'Elanna. She'd been abducted. Amal Kotay and Neelix were suspects in her disappearance. I couldn't tell them anything, but I was really upset with myself. I knew I should have gone with her when she left.

 

There was an official investigation, but there was no trace of Neelix or B'Elanna. Annika, the efficiency monitor, came in to speak with Investigator Yerid. She told him about Tuvok, the laughing guy. He'd avoided taking his anti- ambient radiation shots. When she confronted him about it, he grabbed her and put his fingers to her temple. She had no idea what he was trying to do, although she doesn't think he wanted to hurt her. Since then, she's had several visions, almost "overlays" from another worksite. She said she doesn't recall ever working in a plant with glowing green lights, but the visions feel like memories to her, not hallucinations. After the plant's security men dragged Tuvok off to the hospital, Annika saw he'd recently accessed the employee files of many of the workers at the plant, including hers. Annika was disturbed when she noticed all the workers -- over a hundred -- had been hired on the same day.

 

Amal Kotay -- who now said his name was Chakotay --  claimed all of us, other than Jaffen, were part of the crew of the starship _Voyager_ , who had been kidnapped. All of them passed through the mental ward of the hospital and were subsequently hired by the supervisor of the power plant. When Chakotay was taken in for questioning by Investigator Yerid, he was removed from Yerid's custody by a Dr. Ravoc, on the orders of his superior Dr. Kadan, for treatment of mental illness. After meeting privately with Yerid, Annika went to the hospital herself, claiming she had disturbing thoughts. While there, she was able to access restricted files and saw enough to believe there could be some truth in what Chakotay had to say. Annika, Kathryn,  Jaffen, and Yerid came to me. I hid them from other investigators until they could leave and try to prove or disprove Chakotay's story.

 

Kathryn and Jaffen went to the plant's subspace transponder to contact _Voyager_. The person who answered the call was B'Elanna, dressed in a uniform. She called Kathryn "captain." At the same time, Annika and Yerid went to the hospital to help Chakotay and Tuvok. They found Dr. Ravoc was also being treated for Dysphoria Syndrome now. This "rare" disease had been diagnosed hundreds of times recently by Dr. Kadan. Jaffen helped Kathryn shut down the power grid. Annika and Yerid freed Chakotay and Tuvok from their "treatment" mind control units.

 

We all came back to _Voyager_. None of us wanted to stay on that planet once we knew the truth, even though recovering our true memories has taken some time. I got back several days ago, Personal Log. I only feel capable of speaking with you today. I'm still fuzzy about some of the details. I may not have all of the Annika and Kathryn stuff exactly right. I do know Neelix helped B'Elanna recover her memories by showing her pictures of us together, and B'Elanna found another way to help herself. She accessed you, Personal Log. I'd have been upset about that except she told me she was touched to see through my logs just how much I loved her. Even when I didn't know what we were to one another, I was still protective of her. That means a lot.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Personal Log Addendum_

 

My memories are almost all back this morning. The Doc said I may need another session or two with him, but B'Elanna suggested I use the pictures and Personal Log treatment that worked so well for her. I've been reviewing you all night, when I wasn't watching cartoons on the TV B'Elanna made me. That Bugs Bunny really cracks me up.

 

The Quarren authorities have taken Dr. Kadan, the power plant supervisor, and several other officials in custody for abducting people and washing away most of their memories through mind control to get them to work at the plant. It was quite a lucrative business, I understand. The pirates have been arrested, too. They were the actual kidnappers who delivered the crews to the hospital for Dr. Kadan to "treat and cure" of Dysphoria Syndrome. The Quarren Ambassador came on board ship to personally apologize to the captain. They've found thousands of workers who have been abducted in this way over the past few years. A few have decided to stay, but the ones who want to go home (and most do) are being repatriated.

 

Kathryn, I mean, Captain Janeway, spoke with Jaffen to offer him a post on _Voyager_ if he wants to come with us to Earth. The catch, of course, is that since she's the captain, their personal relationship will have to end if he does come with us. I'm not surprised Jaffen would turn her down under those conditions. If he couldn't have her, he's probably better off on Quarra, especially now that he's accepting an offer to become the new plant supervisor. Labor shortage or no, I can't see Jaffen stooping to snatch unsuspecting travelers off passing starships. He didn't come to Quarra because his home planet was "polluted and violent," which was how Dr. Kadan characterized Earth in his brainwashing. Jaffen really did come to Quarra on his own because Quarra offered better opportunities for him than he could find on his home planet.

 

So, for a while, our captain managed to have a real person as her honey and didn't have to resort to Michael the holographic Irish tavern keeper. After Jaffen left, she told Chakotay she didn't regret his saving her "for one second."

 

I wish I could believe that.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54689.8_

 

The baby shower was a great success. B'Elanna said she was surprised. I have to think she suspected _something_ when I picked her up in Engineering and accompanied her to the mess hall for "lunch." Usually I just meet her there. She was undoubtedly humoring us. It was fun, anyway.

 

We received lots of nice gifts. The Doc's recording of twenty-nine lullabies might turn out to be useful. Who knows? He does have a very nice voice. I want to check out the Klingon ones he recorded. They might be fun. Maybe B'Elanna will be willing to let our little one listen to the Doc every now and then. Personally, my playlist is comprised almost exclusively of classical music interludes taken from the collected works of Bugs Bunny and friends.

 

Icheb was at the shower and seemed to enjoy himself. He's been studying classic English literature for his Starfleet Academy literature course. While most of the lines he's been quoting have come from Shakespearean plays, I loved it when he started reciting some from Winnie the Pooh. Considering Icheb's feeble excuse for a childhood, courtesy of a pair of Really Bad Parents, exposure to Pooh Bear, Piglet, and Paddington Bear can't be a bad thing. I also wonder if his interest in Kid Lit is a carryover from our Quarra experience. Perhaps because he was underage for working at the power plant, his technical ability was ignored and he was assigned with Naomi to work at the same daycare center Aimee attended. Obviously, they didn't have any Winnie the Pooh books there, but there must have been some written for Quarren children that piqued his interest once he got back on board _Voyager_.  

 

I was sorry Seven didn't make it to the shower. She did come by Engineering later on to give B'Elanna a gift after the shower was over: a pair of booties to keep the baby's feet warm to minus forty degrees Celsius. I have to admit they might come in handy, as long as somebody gives us a baby bunting that can do just as good a job protecting the rest of her from freezing temps. Still, it's the thought that counts.

 

Seven's been acting strangely ever since we came back from Quarra. She hasn't been seen much in her cargo bay. A couple of times I went to the holodeck to work on a program, and I couldn't get in because she was occupying it. I hear she was there for hours sometimes. I can't really complain. She has holodeck rations coming out the wazoo because she hardly ever used them before, unless she was running a simulation for a work-related problem. Those holodeck sims don't cost any holodeck ration time.

 

R & R is something she needs, frankly, to really get to that "totally human" stage the captain wants her to get to. Whatever that is. Attending the baby shower would have been a better activity for her, if you ask me. But I'm not an expert in women, or so my wife tells me. It's fun to work on becoming one though, isn't it, Personal Log?

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54714.9_

 

Sorry about the time lag. It's been crazy around here. Q time again.

 

Yes, those wild and crazy guys from the continuum were back. Q and his zany son "Q-Ball," as Icheb dubbed him. Q-Ball got back at him by calling Icheb "Itchy" or "Drone Boy." (I tried to get Icheb to call him "Scratchy" whenever Q Jr. called him "Itchy," but he didn't get the joke.)

 

For over a week we had Q Jr. aboard, raising mayhem, giving the captain and Chakotay gray hair, and generally bugging all of us until we were _HOPING_ his old man would turn him into an Oprelian amoeba, the way he promised he would. It was all a ploy to get Q Jr. to act properly and stop giving the Q Continuum a bad name. As if it doesn't have one already.

 

I must admit, I enjoyed taking the pair of them out for a flying lesson on the Delta Flyer, even though that turned out to be the setup for Icheb's close call with eternity. Really, since everything worked out okay in the end, maybe it wasn't a bad experience for Icheb. Yes, Q Jr. almost had him killed, but I really do think Q Jr.'s father would have stepped in to save Icheb if he had to, especially since the "Chokuzan ship Commander" was Q himself. Fortunately, Q Jr. did apologize and learned a modicum of compassion for others. (That's more than his father has!) For a while, when his father took away his Q powers and "Aunt Kathy" worked on his sense of empathy, he was acting reasonably well. With parents like Q Jr. has, the only way he could learn any of that was here on _Voyager_. With any luck at all, this experience will turn out to be a good thing for him. Q "paid us back" by nudging us a little closer to home. He wouldn't take us all the way. It would be "setting a bad example" for Junior. Right.

 

As for Icheb, he's gone from quoting "Winnie the Pooh" to learning how to be a teenager to swiping the family Delta Flyer, all in a few short weeks. Time really does fly.

 

At least the Delta Flyer didn't end up at the bottom of Lake Tahoe, not that I would have minded that. It would have meant Q _had_ sent us all the way home. Probably. With Q, who knows?

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54732.9_

 

We received another Pathfinder Project transmission today, and this is the best one yet.

 

With the help of a suggestion made by Seven and Harry to utilize a phased tachyon beam with a triaxilating signal, bounced off a quantum singularity, our crew will be able to see and hear our loved ones in the Alpha Quadrant for eleven minutes each day instead of just receiving a text or video once a month through the datastream. That's still going to be operational, too, but we'll be able to interact in real time now. Today, my dad and Lieutenant Barclay (the real one) appeared on screen and chatted with the captain, Harry, and Seven. Reg treated them to a live view of North America from McKinley Station. The captain was all misty-eyed when she told us about it in our staff meeting afterwards.

 

Neelix distributed an isolinear chip to every crew member, identifying the date of their first three minutes of "air time" to spend with their folks. Wouldn't you know, I received a very low number, but I happen to know from the last datastream that Mom won't be on Earth this week. I haven't heard her voice in more years than I care to remember, although I've heard Dad's a few times now, thanks to Pathfinder. Harry was dying to speak with his folks because it's his mom's birthday next week, so I traded with him. I'll let my folks know I received chip number 130 in next week's datastream, so Mom can arrange to be home to speak to me, if she can.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54735.2_

 

Yes, I'm really up this late, even though I have to be on duty in the morning. I'm still struggling with the Doc's "Photons Be Free" program, which I experienced yesterday afternoon.

 

He was being very cagey about who he planned to speak with over "Operation Watson," our "trans-intergalactic com link," as the captain puts it. It turns out he's contacted a holodeck program publisher, Broht and Forrester, via the datastream. They're going to distribute his masterpiece. When I heard that, I asked Doc if I could check out his program, and he magnanimously gave me access.

 

The Doc expects this work to make him famous. As far as I'm concerned, it will make the rest of us _infamous_. "Lieutenant Marseilles," indeed.

 

The player takes on the role of an emergency medical hologram on the good ship "Vortex," which has been hurled by an unknown entity thousands of light years across the galaxy. In the course of the program, the scaggy crew of the "Vortex" kills injured crewmen, sends the poor innocent EMH on unnecessary jaunts to a bigoted "Torrey" in Engineering while carrying a "mobile emitter" the size of a mountaineer's back pack, and threatens the same innocent EMH with decompiling his program. At the end of this magum opus, that's exactly what happens to him.

 

At first, B'Elanna accused me of being jealous of the Doc. After all, he's got a publishing contract for a program he created, and I don't. Frankly, it never occurred to me to submit a program like Fair Haven or Captain Proton to a publisher. A program that size would take up a big chunk of the datastream our entire crew must share. Maybe I _am_ a bit envious. But still, I'd hate to think people at home will think we're like this on _Voyager._ With those thinly disguised names, that's what everyone will think. You only have to watch the drivel shown on some of those parasitic newsvids to know some people will always take things the wrong way if you let them. It may be almost seven years since I've seen any of them, but I can't believe they've improved that much.

 

We don't deserve to be thought of like this. I'm appalled the Doc might think I'm like his "Lieutenant Marseilles." I thought he was my friend.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54736.1_

 

B'Elanna and Harry have both "enjoyed" the "Photons Be Free" experience. B'Elanna doesn't think I'm jealous any more. She was spitting nails when she got off the holodeck. Harry was upset. "I'm a hypochondriac!" Harry exclaimed as he walked through the corridors. I didn't see the captain's reaction in person, but Ayala told me she marched into her ready room with tight lips and vengeance in her eyes. And Ayala is the last one of our crew you'd expect to wax poetic.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54741.9_

 

When the captain called our EMH in to talk to him about the program, he insisted it was a work of fiction, intended to draw attention to the plight of his fellow EMH Mark-1's in the Alpha Quadrant who are suffering discrimination, condemned to performing menial tasks instead of the medical treatments for which they were programmed. He refuses to change a thing. B'Elanna told me a vision of Dejaren flashed through her memory when he spoke about "menial tasks." Maybe he has a point, but there's a better way to make it, in my honest opinion, than trashing the reputations of those who have been letting him develop until he's become a real member of the crew. We've encouraged him to expand his horizons.

 

So I did a little reprogramming. I didn't damage the Doc's extravaganza, although I admit I was tempted. I copied his program and saved it under a new code so he had access to the original. My program was the sad tale of a medical assistant on the Starship "Voyeur," forced to work under an overbearing chief medical officer with an obnoxious bedside manner.

 

When Doc went into his program, he was appalled at the way I had "destroyed it." I told him how to get to the backup, which was very much unspoiled. Even though I was upset he'd think of me as immature and self-indulgent, I told him he could do what he wanted with it. I'd made my point. Now it was up to him to decide what to do.

 

He was supposed to send the final version to his publisher today, but after talking with Neelix, the Doc contacted his publisher to tell him it would have to wait for the next datastream while he put "final touches" upon the characters. Broht thought they were fine as they were, but he agreed to hold back the draft Doc previously sent him (the one we're all upset about). It will not be published until Broht receives the revised version.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54744.6_

 

B'Elanna was supposed to be using her "air time" visiting with her cousin Elizabeth, but her cousin said she'd speak with her another time. Her Uncle John Torres wanted to speak with his daughter. B'Elanna was upset about the change, but I urged her to speak with him. "Let him do the talking." After all, he owes her twenty years of conversations. I assured her I'd be at her side throughout what promised to be a very long three minutes.

 

I was expecting to have to hold back my own "Klingon side" while he was speaking, but when he came on screen, I have to admit the first thing I thought of was how sad he looked. The guy on screen sounded pretty pathetic, but he was honest about knowing he couldn't make up for all that missed time in one conversation. He certainly seemed sincere. He was sure he'd lost B'Elanna forever when Starfleet reported she was lost on the _Val Jean_. He wants a second chance with her, now that he knows she's alive and carrying his grandchild.

 

When B'Elanna told him we were thinking about naming the baby Miral after B'Elanna's mother, he said she would have liked that. Maybe his ex-wife's death has made him confront his own short-comings. I'd like to think so. I doubt I'll be smashing his face in when I see him after all. From the way he looked, I think he may have been punishing himself for years.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54749.1_

 

This is unbelievable. Broht and Forrester, Publishers, distributed the unrevised version of "Photons Be Free" despite the promise to the Doc to hold it back. Broht claims he had every right to put it out whenever he chose because "holograms have no rights" and therefore he can do whatever he wants with the program. Right after my father notified Captain Janeway about this a couple of days ago, the senior staff had a brainstorming session to try to come up with a way of stopping it, but it may be a lost cause. According to Reg, the program exploded on the scene. Because of its immediate popularity, it has been experienced by thousands of people already. My dad was surprised Captain Janeway would allow her EMH to present her crew "in such an unflattering light."

 

_NOW_ the Doc is appalled at what he's wrought, but it's a little too late for that. We finally decided the best thing to do was to request an arbitration hearing over Broht's claim that since Doc is a hologram, he has no creative control over his program, even though the Doc has a signed contract naming him as the author.

 

The first hearing was held today over Operation Watson. The arbiter expects the testimony phase to take three days, since they'll only have eleven minutes, max, for each day's session. He anticipates a recess for a couple of days while he comes to a decision. In the meantime, the crew scheduled for their "air time" will have to wait until the testimony phase is finished.

 

We have nine very unhappy crew members who were scheduled for these slots. Joe Carey is one of them. His visit with his wife and two sons was set for today's first slot. My father let the captain know he's had Mrs. Carey and her sons put up in a luxury hotel at Starfleet expense until the hearing is over, since the family had already arrived at the Starfleet Communications Center for the visit before they were told they were going to have to wait. Joe is still livid. I can't blame him. It's been such a long time since he's seen them. He's only had a couple of images his wife sent him over one of the datastreams to tide him over. To have their visit snatched away, even if the delay is only for a couple of days, is almost more than he can stand. B'Elanna told me if she'd known this was going to happen, she'd have swapped chips with Joe so he would have spoken already with his family. I told her it was best not to mention that to him now. It might make him feel worse instead of better. She came to the same conclusion after we talked it over.

 

Dad was at the hearing table while I was in the background as part of Doc's "legal team." I didn't speak with him. It didn't seem fair, since my turn for "air time" isn't for a few weeks. He did tip his head in my direction when I was introduced to the arbiter, however, and I tipped mine back. I have to admit, it was great to see him, even if the circumstances could have been better.

 

I hope this all works out the way it should. If androids can be declared sentient beings with rights, surely our Doc can, too.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate  54755.5_

 

The arbiter's decision about Doc's status was presented today. It wasn't total victory. He said he wasn't prepared to declare Doc a "person" under the law off this one hearing, although he admitted the issue of holographic rights will crop up again. It isn't going to go away soon. However, he was willing to concede the Doc should be considered an "artist" under the law, which means he has the right to control his own creative work. The arbiter ordered all copies of "Photons Be Free" to be withdrawn from circulation immediately. Broht was angry, and his company has no plans to distribute a revised version. Doc will have to find another publisher, assuming he ever finishes his revision. He's been a bit distracted lately, for obvious reasons.

 

He apologized to Joe and the other members of the crew who had to wait for their family time because his hearing monopolized the com link. They've all forgiven him. It helps that the arbiter took three days before he announced his decision on Doc's case, and all of them had the chance to speak with their families in the interim. Seven had the chance to use her chip by speaking with her father's sister, Irene Hansen. Seven's aunt was delighted to hear from her niece. Seven hadn't remembered she'd ever been on Earth, but apparently she visited her aunt when she was six years old. Aunt Irene had to dangle strawberries in front of her to coax little Annika out of her room after she'd locked herself inside. Even then, Seven must have been a handful. I guess we can't blame the Borg for all of her pigheadness!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54765.5_

 

Marla came to me today while I was on duty in Sickbay, very upset. She'd just had her Operation Watson meeting with her sister and nephew. At first everything went well. Her nephew has "grown like a weed," and her sister gushed over little Aimee. They can't wait for them to come home (of course).

 

Marla said she murmured a meek "Me, too," sort of response, since she has reason not to be in a hurry to get home. Then the bombshell: her nephew asked Marla why she wasn't an ensign anymore, since that was her rank when she was on the _Equinox_. Marla quickly came up with an explanation. When the _Equinox_ survivors came on _Voyager,_ all of the officer's slots were already filled because of the integration of the Maquis and Starfleet crews after the Caretaker drew us all into the Delta Quadrant. She and Noah had agreed to "step back" until there was an opportunity for advancement. She wasn't sure her sister would buy it, but her nephew seemed to accept this.

 

Just before they had to sign off, her sister mentioned a lot of recent publicity about Captain Ransom and Max Burke. They might receive commendations for heroism for their actions in the Delta Quadrant -- sacrificing themselves to save Marla and the other four who'd come to _Voyager_. She asked Marla if she'd heard if she might be getting a medal for her service on _Equinox_ , too. Marla only had time to say "no" before her time was up.

 

By the time she finished telling me this, Marla was frantic. She asked me what I thought she should do if anyone else asks her about this. I didn't hesitate. I contacted the captain and asked her if she could come down to Sickbay immediately to speak with us.

 

The captain said she'd never heard about commendations for _anyone_ dragged into the Delta Quadrant by the Caretaker. She said she'd let Marla know if she did hear anything, and she'd make a point of asking my dad about it when she made her report tomorrow morning, during that first two minute window of contact through Operation Watson. She also said she'd get back to Marla and the rest of the _Equinox_ Five about what they could say if anyone else asked about their rank. The captain said Marla's answer was evidence of "quick and logical thinking." By the time she took Aimee back to their quarters, Marla had calmed down considerably.

 

After the Gilmore family left, the captain sat down in Doc's office and shared a little more with me. Questions _have_ arisen about the Federation presence in the Delta Quadrant because of the Caretaker. My father requested a study of the passive sensor records made during our earliest hours in the Delta Quadrant, as other ships also went missing around that time. He didn't tell her why. Seven and the Delaney sisters reviewed the evidence and discovered the hulk of the Federation ship _Phoenix_ in the debris field. It was whole but dead. There was no evidence of lifesigns, and none of its escape pods appeared to be missing. The only way anyone could have survived was if a ship native to the Delta Quadrant had taken on some of the _Phoenix's_ crew.

 

After Seven's report, Captain Janeway called in Neelix to find out if he'd heard of a ship which might have saved anyone from the _Phoenix_. He was fairly certain no one had. When we'd first met up with Neelix, he'd been hanging around that debris field for several months. He was sure he would have heard of any such rescue. When the attitude of the Kazon we met in that area is considered, it does seem unlikely. Everyone on the _Phoenix_ has been officially declared "Missing, Presumed Deceased." Of course, the crews of _Voyager_ and _Equinox_ were listed that way before we made contact with the Alpha Quadrant.

 

Captain Janeway then asked Seven and the Delaneys to go over all the records from the first three months we were here. The second search of the available evidence from that time failed to reveal any trace of the ships listed as missing. Unless some others escaped the way we did, and even now are stumbling their way home, none is ever likely to turn up.

 

The captain admitted she should have ordered a study of those records before this request of my father's. I countered that we had a lot on our plates at the time. The _Val Jean's_ crew was still coping with the loss of their ship and adjusting to life on a Starfleet ship. The original _Voyager_ staff had to deal with the deaths of many of their crew mates, including their first officer Commander Cavit, the Chief Engineer, and all of the ship's regular medical staff. Our entire crew had to work double shifts for many days to make repairs to _Voyager_ with the parts we had on hand, since we were so far away from any Starfleet resources. When our supply shortage, as well as the enmity of the Kazon and the Vidiians are considered, it's unlikely we could have mounted much of a search for other ships at that time in any case.

 

I asked the captain what she planned to do about Marla and the others. They've all worked so hard to "earn our trust" on _Voyager_ , just as she'd told them they must when they came on board. She said she'd discuss her options with Chakotay and Tuvok before asking my father about what she would be permitted to do for them. I get the feeling she doesn't want too much attention paid to them now, especially if anyone wants to present medals to Rudy Ransom and Maxwell Burke! My stomach turns whenever I think of either of them. They made the _Equinox_ survivors' lives and ours completely miserable, not to mention the hellish crimes they committed against the "Spirits of Good Fortune." For anyone to commend them for heroism is a horrible idea.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54768.9_

 

At 1200 hours today, after the captain spent her assigned "air time" discussing the situation with my father instead of chatting with her own mother, as she'd originally hoped, she restored both Marla Gilmore and Noah Lessing to the rank of ensign in a ceremony held on _Voyager's_ bridge. Angelo Tessoni, James Morrow, and Brian Sofin all were raised back up to the grades in rank they last held as crewmen on _Equinox_. The traditional "congratulatory kisses" were bestowed by Noah and Marla on each other, before Marla received an extra kiss from her daughter Aimee (the Doc held the little cutie during the ceremony).

 

Captain Janeway opened our ship's channel to broadcast the restorations "live" to our crew, followed by a short address. First, the captain declared those who had just been restored to their former ranks had performed admirably since coming on board our ship, and they deserved to be congratulated for doing so under arduous circumstances. In addition, she asked us all to refrain from making any reference at all to what had happened on _Equinox_ , even if asked by our family members. The entire incident has been reported to Starfleet Command. The captain was assured these records had been sealed and classified Top Secret as soon as they were received. Only those with the highest security clearances at Starfleet Command have been given any access to this information, so it is inappropriate for our crew to discuss the subject with anyone outside of the crew living on this ship right now. The proper answer to any queries would be: "I'm not at liberty to discuss the matter right now." With any luck, no one will ask us about it.

 

If anyone should want our opinion about commendations for Ransom and Burke of _Equinox_ , we may say that if any are distributed to them, the entire crews of all the ships lost in the Delta Quadrant should receive the same awards. I'm pretty sure the message got through to everyone except Aimee and Naomi. And I've got a hunch Naomi understands what this is all about, too.

At the senior staff meeting held after the ceremony, Captain Janeway relayed what my father told her concerning rumors which have been circulating for the past several months in the Alpha Quadrant. The talk about plans to honor _Equinox's_ senior staff for heroism were traced back to the Ransom and Burke families. Several admirals who are known to be anti-Maquis have also made public statements in praise of Ransom and Burke lately. Dad conjectures they may have an ulterior motive. Since all this chatter began around the time Starfleet Command learned of Vedek Teero's mind control orders to Tuvok, which resulted in the temporary takeover of _Voyager_ , the motive may be to discredit our Maquis crew. The captain asked us to say nothing about this to our crew as a whole for now.

 

The captain has already informed the _Equinox_ Five of what Dad told her. They're upset, but they were pleased Dad agreed that Captain Janeway had the option to restore their ranks. Like those the Maquis hold, as well as mine, they're technically provisional "brevet" appointments, but nothing will be said about it at Starfleet Command until we arrive home. The entire situation is "too delicate," not to mention potentially explosive, if the truth should get out.

 

It's really disheartening to think the reputations of our Maquis crew members may suffer, when they were unable to defend themselves from Tuvok using mind-melding techniques to carry out Teero's mind control orders. At the same time, people who (probably) are not in the know about the murders of the aliens on _Equinox_ are publicly praising Ransom and Burke, without any consideration of the feelings of the survivors who are well aware of what they did, and painfully acknowledge their own roles in what happened.

 

None of this is fair. Unfortunately, it's simply more proof that life _isn't_ fair.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54775.8_

 

Joe Carey's journey home has ended. Thank God he had the chance to speak with his wife and boys first. Everyone is devastated.

 

And it's a textbook study of unintended consequences, not to mention good intentions gone awry.

 

On 54766, Starfleet Command gave _Voyager_ its first assignment in almost seven years. In 2067, only three years after Zefram Cochrane flew the first warp flight and met up with Vulcans, Earth sent out _Friendship One_. In the spirit of the late 20 th century's _Voyager 1_ and _Voyager 2_ , they wanted to contact other species and pave the way for peaceful manned expeditions in the future. The probe, which had a propulsion system powered by an antimatter reactor, contained messages in many Earth languages offering friendship and peace to any people who encountered it. Judging by its last known trajectory, _Voyager_ could be traveling near to its current position. Our task was to find and retrieve _Friendship One_ , if at all possible.  

 

After five days of searching, sensors indicated the probe had landed not far from our present course. The planet appeared to be uninhabited, although there were indications it had been occupied at one time. We were unable to detect any life signs. The planet's weather conditions were consistent with a nuclear winter.

 

The captain sent me down to the surface on the Delta Flyer as pilot, with Chakotay, Neelix, Harry and Joe Carey comprising the rest of the away team to try to locate the probe. B'Elanna wanted to go, but because of her advanced stage of pregnancy and the extreme levels of radiation we'd detected, the captain overruled her. Joe replaced her as the engineer on our team.

 

After we touched down, we found missile silos which still contained active warheads. The team split up. Chakotay and Harry went back to the Delta Flyer. Neelix, Joe and I found a cavern with a piece of the probe inside. The people of the planet must have been studying the probe, but at first, we didn't know what had happened to them.

 

Before we could set up the transport enhancers to beam the probe through the planet's radioactive atmosphere, we had company. They weren't exactly happy to see us and attacked. We were captured and taken further into the caverns. Joe was knocked out, and when he woke up, he was woozy from a concussion.

 

At about the same time, as we learned later on, Chakotay and Harry discovered one of the planet's inhabitants inside the Delta Flyer. When antimatter weapons began to explode around the shuttle, Chakotay took it back up to _Voyager_ , with the inhabitant a hostage. There was no way to let him remain on the surface with any safety in the area of the bombardment.

 

Once up on _Voyager_ , the "hostage" turned out to be a scientist suffering greatly from radiation sickness. The Doc and Seven treated him with nanoprobes. When the captain spoke with him, this Otrin blamed us for the devastation of his planet. Until _Friendship One_ landed on their doorstep, his people had never conceived of antimatter. While they were experimenting with it, they lost containment. The resulting explosion caused the nuclear winter. The radiation left behind was killing his people. The captain was more than willing to try to help, but the leader who held us was much harder to deal with than Otrin.

 

Verin claimed we _meant_ to ruin his world. The fact we wore protective suits when we arrived proved to him that our true purpose was to invade his planet. Nothing we said could convince him otherwise. He demanded _Voyager_ relocate all of his people to another planet, but none were close enough to make Verin's demand possible. It would have taken years to ferry everyone to the nearest M-class planet, and we had no assurance that it wasn't already populated. To show we wanted to act in good faith, the captain offered an exchange of food and medicines for one of Verin's hostages. He agreed. Then he shot Joe just before the transporter beam made the exchange. _Voyager_ got Joe back, but he was dead.

 

While Neelix and I were still captive, one of the women went into labor. She'd already had other pregnancies which ended in stillbirth, and this one seemingly did, too. I was able to revive her baby, but I knew the only way his life could truly be saved was on _Voyager,_ where the Doc could treat him. Because of what Verin had done to Joe, the new mom was reluctant to part with him. After Tuvok and the Doc came to our rescue, however, she agreed to let us bring her baby back to our ship for the treatment he needed.

 

Once we were back on board, Neelix and I asked the captain to help the people, despite what they'd done. Verin was murderously hostile, but the others seemed less so after he killed Joe. The way he'd twisted the terms of the exchange was not popular with the others. Doc treated the baby, while Otrin's idea of a way to counteract the radioactivity proved to be feasible. Despite another attempt by Verin to sabotage _Voyager's_ help to his people, the catalytic agent Otrin believed could restore his planet's atmosphere was delivered, and it worked. The atmosphere began to clear almost immediately. The sun came out for the first time in years. While we couldn't bring everything back to the way it was before their accident, at least the people now would have a chance to rebuild their world and their populace.

 

When I returned the little baby to his mother, she was delighted at his obvious healthy condition. Before we left that planet, we treated all of the people living in the caverns and left enough medicine to treat the 5,500 or so other people who lived elsewhere on the planet.

 

Once I got back to the ship, I rushed to Sickbay, hopeful Seven had been able to treat Joe as successfully with her nanoprobes as she did Neelix a few years ago. After all, Neelix had been dead for seventeen hours, and Joe had been shot only a couple hours before. Seven reluctantly admitted that she tried, but she couldn't bring Joe back. She didn't know if it was due to the effect of the planet's radiation on his brain, if his neural passages were damaged after his concussion, or some other factor existed she couldn't identify. Seven's nanoprobes did not resurrect Joe.

 

We held his funeral today during the Operation Watson window, allowing his family to participate in a limited way. B'Elanna was distraught, but what could we have done differently? An engineer was needed for our away team, and because of the radioactivity, we couldn't risk B'Elanna's going down. From what I saw of Verin, I doubt he'd have spared B'Elanna's life, even though two would have died if he'd killed her.

 

Verin was vermin, in my opinion, even if I could understand his bitterness to a degree. I hope the baby I delivered will have a better life now that the radiation danger has been dealt with successfully. It certainly will be better off than it would have been if _Voyager_ hadn't come calling. If only _Friendship_ _One_ had landed someplace where no one lived! Its message of peace was well-meant, but in the end, its effect on the people of this planet was disastrous.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54824.9_

 

That was fun. Not. When I was piloting the Delta Flyer on Ledos, the local Port Control hauled me in for committing a violation. They're making me take a piloting safety course! I just met my instructor Mr. Kleg, who looks like he's about a hundred years old. I hoped he would let me go right to the test. I know how to pilot a vessel safely. What I need to know are the Ledosian rules so I don't break any of them. Kleg insists he will take "all the time needed" to teach me the proper way to pilot. He's already cited many "design flaws" in the Delta Flyer which may prevent him from giving me a passing grade on the test.

 

The captain says I have to go along with Kleg, no matter what. It's Starfleet policy. We must adhere to the local laws of the planets we visit.

 

Everyone else gets shore leave. I get to go to school. Oh, joy.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54827.8_

 

We're worried. While we were staying here on Ledos, Chakotay and Seven were supposed to be attending a conference on warp field dynamics in another city. They never arrived. After a search, we found part of their shuttle resting on an energy barrier surrounding one of the planet's subcontinents. Apparently a primitive people live there, and an alien group erected this barrier centuries ago to protect them.

 

I politely asked Kleg if he would permit me to look for them. He refused my request. When I asked him with as much grace as I could muster if I could please take the test now, so I'd be free to help my crewmates, he said "no" to that, too. I'd like to say I was completely cooperative after that, but I'm not sure I did anything to further diplomatic relations between the Ledosians and the Federation for the rest of that day's training.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54830.2_

 

I was never so glad to leave a planet as I was this one. We found Chakotay and Seven in the Ventu -- Preserve -- I guess you'd call it. Despite the primitive conditions, Seven came up with a way to neuturalize the protective barrier using the ruined shuttle's deflector and other debris. This allowed _Voyager_ to transport Chakotay to Sickbay for care of the injuries he sustained in the shuttle crash. Apparently he didn't need much. The splinting of his broken leg and the poultices applied by the Ventu healer were already doing a pretty good job. Chakotay was well on the way to recovery by the time the Doc checked him over on _Voyager_.

 

As Seven was about to leave the Ventu, after treating a young girl for another injury, a group of Ledosian scientists suddenly appeared in the middle of the preserve. They were thrilled the barrier was down because they'd now be able to provide the Ventu with the "benefits" of their civilization. Education. Technology. Second-class citizen status.

 

When Captain Janeway tried to beam up the contraption Seven cobbled together, one of the Ledosian vessels opened fire on _Voyager_ and knocked out the transporter system. Captain Janeway contacted me in the Delta Flyer. I was on the training course with Kleg. He denied me clearance to follow my captain's orders. Care to guess whose orders I followed?

 

I rushed to the planet, beamed up the Ledosian expedition, and vaporized the deflector, as the Prime Directive requires us to do. Leaving advanced equipment with non-warp capable societies is a major no-no. The barrier went back in place. The Ledosians were not happy, but they got their people back. If I'd vaporized the deflector first, the expedition would still be in the preserve, with no way to get home. Perhaps they would have adapted to the Ventu way of life eventually. I wonder if the ethnographers would be happy to undertake a long-term longitudinal study in that village? _Very_ long term study. Somehow, I doubt it.

 

I failed Kleg's course. Ledos is in our rear-view mirror, and I don't plan to ever come back to take the course over. The captain won't make me, either. Following the "laws of the planet" Starfleet Protocol was a non-starter, once the Ledosians fired on _Voyager._ Then it was "Action Kate" time. We do what we have to do, then we "get out of Dodge."

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54862.2_

 

We were in the middle of a great First Contact Day party, celebrating the 315th anniversary of First Contact. Neelix, with Naomi's help, had prepared cheese pierogi, one of Zefram Cochrane's favorite foods. I've had them at home in San Francisco, and the ones Neelix and Naomi made were just as delicious. Cochrane's favorite tunes were playing on the jukebox, loud 20th century rock music. I was in heaven.

 

We took a break from noshing and dancing to the music when it was time for Neelix to make a special request. Reluctantly, "Mr. Vulcan," as Neelix calls Tuvok with great fondness, repeated the first words said to a member of the human race by a representative of another, "Live long and Prosper." Neelix tried, but he couldn't convince Tuvok to dance, too.

 

That's when Chakotay notified us about a very interesting reading, especially in this area of space. Sensors had detected Talaxian life signs only a few light years away.

 

Tuvok, Neelix and I took the Delta Flyer out to follow up. The life signs were coming out of an asteroid belt. When we flew inside the belt to get closer to the readings, the Flyer was buffeted by thermolytic explosions. We were forced to crash-land on the asteroid where Talaxian life signs had been identified. We'd found them. They were living in a huge cavern they'd carved out beneath the surface of the asteroid. Almost all of the ships they'd used to travel to this asteroid had been disassembled to provide the tools and machinery needed for building their refuge.

 

Tuvok and I were released by the Talaxians first. We were permitted to go to the Delta Flyer to begin repairs. A few hours later, Neelix joined us. He was a bit sad. I think he'd expected a warmer welcome from his own people, especially since they were all so far from Talax. They'd basically kept him a prisoner almost the entire time he'd been there.

 

Just as we were finishing our repairs to the Flyer, we discovered a young Talaxian boy, Brax, inside the shuttle. He's the son of Dexa, the woman who cared for Neelix while he was in custody. He'd spoken with Neelix a few times and wanted to see what _Voyager_ was like. When Neelix brought Brax back to his mom, he discovered Dexa and the Talaxian's leader Oxilon in a confrontation with Commander Nocona, the leader of the miners who hold the contract to extract minerals from this asteroid belt. The explosive charges which damaged the Flyer had been set by the miners as part of their operation.

 

Nocona gave the Talaxians three days to evacuate. The miners claim this particular asteroid contains a large proportion of the minerals they're permitted to remove from the field, and they mean to get them. Since the Talaxians no longer have enough ships to transport their population of approximately five hundred people away from this asteroid, they're in a bind. They don't have any place else to go, either. It's taken them many years to get this far. They've tried to settle on other planets, but they haven't been welcome anywhere. Settling here seemed ideal. Who would think anyone would bother them in the middle of an asteroid field?

 

Neelix has suggested Oxilon, Dexa, and Brax come with us back to _Voyager_. Perhaps Captain Janeway can negotiate a settlement with the miners to permit the Talaxians to stay in their homes. Young Brax is delighted his wish to see _Voyager_ is coming true.

 

I'm getting a romantic vibe between Neelix and Dexa. Brax's dad was killed a few years ago, when the Talaxians had tried to settle on a planet's surface. I wonder if Dexa would be willing to accompany us to Earth? It would be great for Neelix to have company. Brax already seems to look up to Neelix as a surrogate dad.

 

Or maybe I'm getting as mushy and romantic as B'Elanna claims I have since I found out I was going to become a dad myself. If so, _mea culpa_.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54860.4_

 

Neelix was one of the best things to happen to that Talaxian colony for a long time. Maybe ever. In my opinion, the council leader should have abdicated in favor of Dexa long ago. She was the strongest of the group I met. With Neelix's help, the colonists were able to set up a shield grid to protect the asteroid from incursions by Commander Nocona's mining operations. The miners aren't happy, but they're realists, too. Like the Ferengi, they can figure profit and loss very well. They may have counted on the minerals they expected to obtain from the Talaxian's asteroid as profit, but the effort it will now take to get at them is more than they're willing to expend. They told the Talaxians they're not going to bother.

 

Maybe they won't have to. Neelix said he plans to negotiate a trade, if they're willing. He's discovered that much of the debris left over from carving out the Talaxians' homes contains minerals the miners are after. To the Talaxians, it's a garbage disposal problem. To Neelix, it's an opportunity to repair relations with Nocona's mining company by offering them minerals they don't have to blast and break up to extract. The miners may not be able to get as much of those minerals as they'd hoped, but what they do obtain will be through much less effort and cost to them. It sounds like a good deal to me.

 

Yes, Personal Log. I said Neelix will negotiate with the miners. He'll be able to do that because he's staying with Dexa and Brax. My heart is heavy, having to say good-bye to him, especially since we lost Joe Carey only a few weeks ago. It's different this time. Neelix will be alive and, I believe, happy with his own people. I think he has a future with a very pretty Talaxian woman whose son already adores Neelix. B'Elanna is right. I guess I am getting mushy and romantic thanks to my impending fatherhood, but if anyone deserves to be happy, it's Neelix. He came away from the part of the galaxy that had always been his home to take his chances with a bunch of wanderers from the other side of the galaxy. Every light year we travel towards our home is another light year farther away from his. He's become a jack-of-all-trades and a terrific morale officer to a crew that can be contentious and hard to figure out sometimes. He's braved dangers he never expected to have to face in his life, and, as it turned out, without Kes, the helpmate he expected to have with him on his journey.

 

Neelix and I have come such a very long way since he dumped a dish of hair pasta over my head because he thought I wanted to cut in on his relationship with Kes. He was there in the caverns of Sakari when B'Elanna and I first admitted we had feelings for one another. He's been a great supporter of B'Elanna and me, especially when we've clashed over "Klingon stuff." Next to my wife and my friend Harry, the person I've been closest to on _Voyager_ has been Neelix. I'm going to miss him, but I want the best for him. I know his best chance to find happiness is for him to stay here, with Dexa and Brax and his Talaxian people. They need a strong leader. Neelix has learned lessons from all of us, but from Captain Janeway in particular. He's ready to take charge. And the captain has arranged for him to act as the Federation Ambassador to the Delta Quadrant, too. I know he'll do great in both jobs.

 

I'm finding it very hard to end this log entry, Personal Log. I guess I don't really want to say good-bye. Actually, we'll be able to stay in contact with this little world, and Neelix, for a very long time. Thanks to the techniques pioneered by the Pathfinder Project and Neelix's status as our ambassador, we expect to be able to stay in touch with him all the way home to the Alpha Quadrant. I hope we can.

 

I wasn't the only one who found it difficult to say good-bye. Neelix didn't have an easy time of it, either. He was torn by his decision, but he realized it was in his own best interest, as well as the colony's. He'll have the chance to build a new family. When Neelix was finally ready to leave, he found out how much he meant to the rest of our crew, as well.

 

All but a skeleton crew, who were at their duty stations and couldn't be there, lined the corridor Neelix walked through as he headed towards the shuttle bay for the last time. His trading ship _Baxial_ , which has spent most of the past seven years inside _Voyager,_ will fly through space again, keeping the Talaxian colony in touch with those outside to help it thrive.

 

When he reached the shuttle bay doors, one last crew member stood waiting for him. This officer gave Neelix a Vulcan salute and uttered, "Live long and prosper." And then "Mr. Vulcan" did a little soft shoe shuffle, a dance for Neelix he hadn't wanted to do for him on First Contact Day.

 

B'Elanna and I both got teary-eyed. We weren't the only ones. Live long and prosper, my friend! I hope we'll get the chance to keep in touch, but whatever happens, I know I'll never forget you. None of us will.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54912.5_

We ran into a couple of the Overlooker people again. This time, they weren't connected to the Hierarchy; they were thieves who'd gone rogue. They'd captured the captain and Doc while they were off _Voyager_ on an away mission. The thieves coveted _Voyager's_ warp core, and they were willing to do almost anything to get it.

 

Because the captain was their hostage and they were threatening her life, Doc was forced to use his mobile emitter and ECH persona to impersonate her, as well as Chakotay, Harry, and B'Elanna. He ejected the warp core and stole the Delta Flyer to tow it to the aliens' vessel.

 

While Doc was following the orders of Zet, the boss of the Overlooker criminals, Captain Janeway was helping out Nar, the less aggressive of the two, who enjoyed fixing components he intended to sell in the future. Zet made fun of Nar's "hobby" of fixing "worthless" components and stopped their collaboration.

 

After the Doc got back to them with the warp core, Zet decided Doc's next job would be to spy on the Hierarchy. Zet loaded additional matrices into the Doc's program so he'd look like a very high ranking Hierarch. He didn't seem to care if what he did destroyed Doc's program.

 

What Zet did not know was that while he was on _Voyager_ , Doc managed to leave us a subtle message to help us search for him. Although Zet was tapped into the part of Doc's program through which Doc perceives the world while he was "on the job," he didn't recognize exactly what Doc was doing when he sat down to listen to music while on _Voyager_. After he'd absconded with the warp core, we noticed Doc had set up the com network on _Voyager_ to play "The Blue Danube" all over the ship, but with a twist. Seven realized the slight harmonic deviation in the musical lines was a clue to the warp signature of the ship on which the captain and the Doc were imprisoned. _Voyager_ was without a warp core and the Doc had swiped the Delta Flyer, but we still had other shuttles which _were_ warp capable. Tuvok and I followed the warp signature, and with Nar's help, freed the captain and Doc.

 

Our EMH was in bad shape by this point. We rushed him back to _Voyager_ , but he thought it was all over. On his "deathbed," he confessed many transgressions to us. Saddest of all, he finally found the courage to declare to Seven his love for her. It was quite touching. It would have been even more so if Harry, B'Elanna, and Seven had been unable to save his program. Unfortunately for Doc, they _did_ save it. Now he has to face all of us who are aware of all those deep, dark secrets he'd been hiding from us.

 

I think we may have finally paid him back for that original "Photons Be Free" creation of his.

 

One other thing. While Zet is in the Hierarchy's clutches, I hear Nar somehow escaped from them. His collection of components was useful after all. He hit Zet on the head with one. That's how Captain Janeway and the Doc got free. I hope he gets a good price for those components. The captain says he wasn't a bad sort. He just fell in with a Very Bad Companion.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54955.2_

 

I couldn't sleep again, Personal Log. B'Elanna woke me up twice with what she thought were labor pains. Both times, they went away. She mumbled "Braxton-Hicks contractions" and turned over to try to sleep some more.

 

This late in the pregnancy, she's so uncomfortable. Little Miral kicks her unmercifully whenever she tries to rest. When Miral stops kicking, B'Elanna's uterus decides to get itself ready for labor by squeezing B'Elanna silly. It's been almost thirty weeks already, the typical length of a Klingon pregnancy, but Miral is three-quarters human. Human pregnancies usually last between thirty-six and thirty-eight weeks. B'Elanna is unhappy about the prospect of waiting another six weeks or more before Miral finally decides to make her appearance. Whenever B'Elanna sees the Doc, he counsels "patience."

 

Of course. B'Elanna's strong point! What wonderful advice, Doc!

 

The captain offered to put B'Elanna on modified duty. She thought it would give her more time to rest. B'Elanna, of course, wants nothing to do with cutting her hours. She claims she'd spend the extra hours she's off-duty obsessing over what is going on in Engineering. B'Elanna _has_ gone along with the Doc's advice to stay away from any obvious radiation situations. Marla has been really good at stepping in whenever there could be a problem and offering to perform whatever task is involved for B'Elanna. Vorik's stepped up his game, too. Even Mortimer Harren has been more reliable lately, especially since we lost Joe Carey. Without a solid backup like Joe around, B'Elanna needs everyone in her entire department to pull his or her weight. They seem to be doing it, I'm glad to say.

 

That doesn't mean I don't wish for this pregnancy to end soon so we can get to the next stage of our family's life. I want to hold my little girl in my arms and murmur baby talk to her, not just pat B'Elanna's belly while trying to speak through layers of skin and muscle to my baby. I can't be _too_ silly around B'Elanna. Once Miral is finally here, I can goo-goo-goo to her to my heart's content, well out of B'Elanna's earshot.

 

And it will be good to know both my girls are well and out of danger.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54959.3_

 

B'Elanna was sure it wasn't Braxton-Hicks contractions this time. When we got to Sickbay, the Doc checked her over. He diagnosed false labor, but he had her stay there with him for another hour to make sure. He was right. The contractions stopped. B'Elanna was apologetic to both of us. The Doc assured her that false labor is very common with Klingons and he wouldn't be surprised if it happens a few more times before Miral makes her appearance. Wonderful.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54967.4_

 

B'Elanna had false labor last night. Again. This is the fourth time. Neither one of us are getting much sleep. My only comfort is that one of these times, it won't be false labor.

 

It's really getting to B'Elanna. She isn't apologizing any more. Her Klingon temper is getting shorter and shorter with every false alarm. She's getting really tired of being pregnant, and she's more than ready to get it over with. The Doc says we have to let nature take its course, but having B'Elanna in the state she's in is not helpful. Exhaustion from a strenuous work schedule, coupled with a lack of sleep, is taking a toll.

 

Soon. Please, Miral. Soon.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54968.5_

 

Seven was playing Kadis-Kot with Neelix yesterday over our long range com system in Astrometrics when one of her sensors set off an alarm. Icheb's wormhole detector device had sensed high neutrino emissions. Neelix closed off their transmission so she could check her instrumentation. Seven contacted the captain once she realized that the center of a nearby nebula seemed to contain many wormholes. Perhaps hundreds. With that many, it's hard to believe at least one wouldn't lead to the Alpha Quadrant. If we could identify one, we could be home a lot sooner than we ever expected. Maybe Miral could be born on Earth instead of on _Voyager!_

 

Today we reached the nebula and cautiously entered it. We hadn't gotten far when a Borg cube swept by so close to us, I couldn't stop myself from reflexively ducking my head as I steered the ship at a sharp angle downward. It only missed us by a few meters. It didn't change course, so we presume it didn't notice us. The captain ordered a one-eighty to get us out of there. Harry begged her to try again, but the captain was adamant. Those wormholes were too dangerous for us to investigate any further. I agreed with the captain. We were lucky to get away without being noticed by the Borg. We resumed our previous course towards the Alpha Quadrant, away from the wormhole-filled nebula.

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_Personal Log Addendum_

Harry cozied up to me this evening as I was heading home to B'Elanna. He suggested we indulge ourselves in "one more adventure" before I got bogged down in fatherhood. I wasn't in the mood for a chapter of Captain Proton. I was going to suggest he ask the Delaney sisters if they wanted to play Twin Mistresses of Evil to his own Captain Proton. He's already made it clear he wants to graduate from Buster Kincaid status. The PADD he pushed into my hand before I had a chance to utter another word had nothing to do with holodeck fantasies. If only! It was a "plan" to fly the Delta Flyer on a reconnaissance mission into the hub. I told him in no uncertain terms I wasn't interested in playing that game. It would be easier to simply hand the Flyer over to the Borg, and I said so. He was more confident in my piloting skills than I was. He practically begged me to go to the captain with him and ask for her approval. I made it clear I didn't want her approval for the crazy scheme he'd dreamed up.

 

 

"Where's your spirit of adventure?" he called after me. "Don't you want to get home?"

 

I shot back "I'm already home."

 

He still didn't get it. "Captain Proton would never walk away like this."

 

"Captain Proton doesn't have a wife at home and a baby on the way," I replied.

 

At that, Harry finally gave up.

 

_End Personal Log_

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54972.6_

 

When it rains, it pours. That's the old saying, right?

 

Yesterday (figuratively speaking), dangerous wormholes. Today, a temporal rift, belching out a Federation vessel with Klingon weapons fire pushing it along. While it had a Federation signature, this ship is more advanced than any I've ever seen before, even from the images Starfleet Command has sent us through the datastream. I expected to hear Captain Braxton's dulcet tones coming through the speakers as an image flickered on our viewscreen. The voice was a lot different than his. It was a woman's voice, one I knew well, although it was even smokier and huskier than it is now. A glance up to the viewscreen confirmed it. Captain Janeways' double was on that ship.

 

The voice commanded us to seal the rift with an anti-tachyon pulse. When our Captain Janeway hesitated a second, she followed it with, "I outrank you! Close the rift!" That did it. The captain complied with the admiral's order, then demanded to know what was going on. This other Kathryn Janeway said she'd come to bring us home.

 

A little while later, this person who claims to be from the future and our captain, but now an admiral, was transported aboard _Voyager_. From the visual on the view screen, not to mention That Voice, I can't say I disbelieve her.

 

Yup. We're in the middle of another temporal paradox again. Headache time. I hope this one works out for us, because I'm ready to bash anyone who mentions Captain Braxton to me again.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54976.6_

Sorry, Personal Log. I've been busy. We all have. Yes, this Admiral Janeway has checked out to be the real deal. Our Captain Janeway, just twenty-six years or so older.

 

She brought us all sorts of technological upgrades from the future to use on our ship now. Seven said the "stealth mode" (a cloak of some kind, perhaps?) was incompatible with our systems, but the weapons and shielding could be installed immediately. The transphasic torpedoes are really amazing. Considering our past ability to survive encounters with the Borg with our current armory, I'd have to say we've an even better chance with these babies as part of our arsenal. The coolest upgrade though, I've got to say, is the advanced shielding. When it's activated, I imagine _Voyager_ looks something like a giant, space-going armadillo. From our tests, it adds an extremely tough skin to our regular, non-ablative shielding. We're better protected against Borg weaponry than ever before.

 

Harry is dancing around, singing, "Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home," and saying he can already taste his mom's apple pie. Okay. Since there has been no sign of Captain Braxton and his time ship telling us we're not allowed to proceed or he'll blow us up, I'm willing to be a little optimistic. A little. We've been through this enough times before for me to say, "I'll believe it when I see it."

 

I checked on B'Elanna in Engineering. She was going full speed ahead, on full impulse (or the Klingon-human equivalent), keeping her staff on high alert and energy output at maximum. Just normal B'Elanna behavior. She's always in her element in Engineering. Things must be going well, because she didn't jump down my throat because I'd come down to see how she was. She even said I was "pretty sweet for a Flyboy." She's so impressed with the shielding, B'Elanna's starting to share Harry's enthusiasm about getting home. She's a little sad, though. We'd been so sure we would be raising our daughter on _Voyager_ , but now it's possible we'll actually be home before she's born. B'Elanna asked me where we would live if we did get home before she was born. When I suggested we could move in with my parents temporarily, she glared at me and I backed off. Then she accused me of wanting to take the first piloting job I could find so she'd be stuck home changing diapers (although she was smiling when she said it).

 

"Not a chance," I replied. And I mean it. No matter what happens, we're a team. I'm not going to leave my family home while I'm gallivanting around the galaxy on a starship, like Dad did. We're a package deal, B'Elanna, Miral (when she finally shows up!) and me. I've got a hunch Dad would do things differently now, too, if he could.

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_Personal Log Addendum_

B'Elanna had another false labor episode last night. She got angry, of course. Her great mood in Engineering is history tonight. Her back has been hurting her almost all the time. I gave her a massage before bedtime, but her contractions woke her up just as she was dropping off to sleep.

 

We've been waiting for Miral for so long, and now we're in the middle of another critical stage of our journey. Every time a big change in my relationship with B'Elanna occurs, we seem to be at death's door. It would be so nice if, for once, the Big Change took place in a very boring, safe, routine way. Got a hunch it won't be that easy. We never seem to catch a break, to we?

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54978.6_

 

We've arrived at the nebula, and I took _Voyager_ in. Suddenly, the gas clouds cleared and we discovered an unbelievable -- I don't know what. A protostar? A construct? A giant Kal-toh puzzle? It could have been anything. Captain Janeway and Seven apparently have some idea of what it is, however. From the way the captain was staring at Admiral Janeway, I guess she's sure she knows what it is, too. The captain ordered me to back away. Admiral Janeway ordered me to go forward, into a specific aperture, and reminded me in no uncertain terms she outranked Captain Janeway. I took a deep breath. I followed my captain's order and pulled out so we could decide what to do next.

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_Personal Log Addendum_

 

It's a transwarp hub, and, apparently it's the secret of the Borg's success. According to Seven, there are only six of these hubs in the entire galaxy, but a cube can traverse the distance between hubs in _MINUTES_. No wonder they can gang up on a planet in no time. It makes a normal transwarp conduit the slow lane. They're located in all four quadrants. The Borg are everywhere. Maybe it's a miracle they haven't concentrated on the Alpha Quadrant already. That may change.

 

Admiral Janeway wants us to get home. She accused the captain of caring more for strangers than our crew, citing the decision to save the Ocampa rather than use the Caretaker Array to get home seven years ago. Our captain says the situations are not comparable (and I have to agree). She wants to wreck the hub to deal a crippling blow to the Borg, but she won't do it if any of us have any objections. It's got to be by consensus, or we won't go on. How can we do this, though? That's the catch. Admiral Janeway claims there's no way to destroy the hub.

 

At the senior staff meeting, Captain Janeway asked for our opinion. _Voyager_ is my home now, so everyone probably knew my opinion before I said anything. The surprise was Harry "There's no place like home" Kim. He said that if it takes us longer, it takes us longer. Destroying the Borg hub and saving millions, maybe even billions of lives, is more important. Then he said one of the wisest things I've ever heard him say: "Maybe it's  not the destination, it's the journey that's really important." I was proud of him. I raised my coffee cup in the air and we all toasted "To the Journey" while Admiral Janeway looked on.

 

I think she's forgotten what we're like. How close we are. It _has_ been a long time since she saw all of us in action. I almost felt sorry for her. She doesn't look like she's used to losing an argument, even if the person she's lost that argument to is herself -- the self she was twenty-six years ago.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54979.4_

Admiral Janeway took her little ship and left. I don't know where she's gone, but according to Harry, who studied her ship when he helped Seven evaluate the systems to see what we could use with our current systems, he says the device she used to travel here from the future burnt out on that trip. She hasn't gone back to the future, I know that.

 

I'm not privy to the entire plan, but I know my part in it. I'm going to drive through a conduit that ends in the Alpha Quadrant like the hounds of hell are after us. That's as good a description of the Borg I'm going to be able to come up with today. And then we're going to ruin the Borg's freeway. If we win this battle, we'll get home faster than any of us ever dreamed (well, except for Harry, maybe). If we fail, we fail spectacularly. It will be assimilation time for all of us, and a maturation chamber for Miral.

 

We're not going to fail.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54980.9_

 

Wouldn't you know it. Just when we were getting ready to get under way, B'Elanna went into labor. For real. I was torn, because I really have to be at the conn for this plan to succeed. B'Elanna agreed. The Doc will be with her. Her "Flyboy" needs to be at the helm, "where you belong." I gave her a kiss, and one last rub of her belly with Miral inside it, and rushed off.

 

What a wild ride. Cubes and spheres were exploding all around us, even when we hadn't attacked them. At one point, Tuvok said the Admiral's plan "worked." I'd love to know what that plan was. In the center of the hub, Tuvok deployed the transphasic torpedoes, which was his part of the plan. Despite the cascade of destruction all around us, one sphere was still whole. We were too far from the exit to escape, although we were traveling at maximum speed through the conduit. When I reported we couldn't escape the sphere, the captain told me to adjust my heading.

 

The sphere's tractor beam iris swirled open.

 

As the sphere engulfed us, a precisely timed countdown began. At just the right moment, the captain gave another order. Tuvok pushed a couple of buttons on the console in front of him and deployed one last transphasic torpedo, right into the almost-closed iris of the Borg ship.

 

Sphere went "Boom."

 

We blew out of the vessel as it disintegrated all around us, into open space, with the familiar stars of the Alpha Quadrant shining all around us and a welcoming committee from Starfleet spread before us. We were only one light year from Earth. It couldn't have gone more perfectly.

 

Harry announced that we were being hailed, and the captain gave the familiar order: "On screen." The shocked faces of my Dad and Reg Barclay appeared. Captain Janeway apologized, "Sorry to surprise you. Next time we'll call ahead."

 

Then the captain murmured something else. I couldn't quite catch it, but I think it was, "Thanks for your help, Admiral Janeway."

 

Seven years we've been on the road home. Our journey was supposed to take seventy. Everyone on the bridge was exulting. I took a deep breath, but before I could exhale all of it, I heard her. "Sickbay to Bridge." Over the com, the Doc said there was someone who wanted to meet me. From the gorgeous sound of a baby wailing in the background, I knew exactly who it was. Captain Janeway dismissed me from helm. I could finally meet my little girl.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54984.9_

 

The stars are familiar. So are the transmissions from the newsvids, excitedly announcing our return. Dad insisted on a slow approach to Spacedock so that all our systems could be checked out. The first debriefings are taking place on board _Voyager_ instead of at Starfleet Command. He said they're planning to set up a little welcome home celebration for us in San Francisco, and since we really hadn't "called home" first, it took a couple of days to put in place.

 

We had the go ahead for a Golden Gate Bridge Flyby. I pulled it off with panache, if I do say so myself. B'Elanna was at the engineering station on the bridge, holding Miral. My daughter might not be able to remember she was there, but our visual logs will show her that she was.

 

Home. We're really home.

 

I have no more words . . .

 

_(choking sound, almost like sobbing)_

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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	8. Year Eight

**Chief Helmsman of _Voyager's_ Personal Log (Year Eight)**

**_Excerpts from the Personal Logs of Thomas Paris, after_ ** **Voyager's _return from the Delta Quadrant_**

**by jamelia**

**Afterword by Admiral Miral Paris-Riker (ret.)**

 

Originally, this volume was to contain only excerpts from my father's logs during his years in the Delta Quadrant. That is the period covered in the scurrilous and false publication which purported to be his logs but definitely were _not_ written by him. I thought this would be sufficient to undo the damage that publication had done to my father's reputation. The logs which my family now are sharing portray the true relationship between my mother B'Elanna Torres and Thomas Eugene Paris, my primary goal in publishing the excerpts included here. Dad was also a keen judge of character, as anyone indulging in one of his many holonovels must already know, and his impressions of his crew mates are the bonus for anyone perusing this volume.

 

From the first, however, my husband was convinced I should also include material from logs created after _Voyager's_ return from her historic journey. As my husband so succinctly put it, "It sucks your readers won't know what really happened after _Voyager_ arrived back home."

 

While I was reluctant to edit the voluminous material from the _Voyager_ years, I was truly dismayed at the prospect of going any further, with the wealth of material available from succeeding entries. Much of the information they contain is now available under the Federation Freedom of Information Act. It seemed unnecessary to publish Dad's "take" on those events, too.

 

That is, I felt that way until I had the document of the Delta Quadrant years in shape, and I realized my husband was absolutely correct. I find he usually is in matters such as this. The story will be incomplete if I do not include Dad's impressions of how his ship mates were received by Starfleet when we returned home. The former Maquis, the _Equinox_ Five, and a certain disgraced ex-con who had filled the position of Chief Helmsman of _Voyager_ so ably for Captain Kathryn Janeway for seven years were all in far more precarious positions than the original crew assigned to Captain Janeway's _Voyager_. Some readers of this volume may not know what happened to Seven of Nine, Icheb, or little Aimee, the "Littlest Borglet." Therefore, I've decided to add an Appendix to this publication: "Year Eight, and Beyond."

 

Forgive me for being reluctant to rewrite my introduction. After sweating over it for weeks to get it to say exactly what I wished, I had no desire to change it. I'm sure Dad would have completed a rewrite if this were one of his holonovels. I'm not him, although I think I've absorbed a bit of his style when writing or dictating my own personal logs. I can only hope to have a tenth of his sense of humor and his humanity.

                                                                                                  -----------  M.P.R.

 

**Year Eight and Beyond: After the Delta Quadrant**

 

 

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54985.3_

So much has happened. We're home, really home. Earth. I'm the father of a beautiful baby girl. Everything has changed, yet the essentials are very much the same.

 

I love my wonderful, thrilling, talented, and feisty B'Elanna. My lovely new Miral has me wrapped around her finger already, even though I've barely had the chance to hold her yet. I'm so glad B'Elanna was finally able to trust in my love enough not to meddle with Miral's genome and let her be what she's bound to be. If anyone should know it's better to accept a child the way she is instead of being an outgrowth of parental expectations, it should be the two of us. I think B'Elanna was relieved Miral doesn't have very obvious cranial ridges. I've read the literature, though, and they'll become more prominent with time. No one will be happier than me when it happens. I know she's going to be just as beautiful as her mother. The only thing about Miral's birth I regret is that I was too busy piloting _Voyager_ home, only one step ahead of the Borg, to be there when she arrived.

 

It's another temporal paradox thing. According to this entity, whom I must accept really was my Captain Kathryn Janeway, but twenty-six years older and an admiral, she had to go back in time and change history to prevent many more crew deaths on _Voyager_ before our ship reached Earth. She sacrificed her own life to attack the Borg Queen. Yet now we're here, and that other Kathryn Janeway's timeline has been erased. Will my Captain Janeway have to go back now, even though history has already been totally changed?

 

I don't want to think about it. It's way too complicated for me to figure out. We had enough of those paradoxes to deal with while we were in the Delta Quadrant, probably a lot more than I even know about because of erased timelines and such. I'm going to forget about all of it now. There will be time enough for me to consider the fates of the Maquis, the _Equinox_ Five, the Doc, Icheb and Aimee Gilmore in the future. And especially my own future, now that I'm no longer out of the reach of the intricacies of Federation law.

 

I'm going to hold my wife and my daughter and be grateful that the Borg didn't get us, and maybe won't get anyone else again for a long time. Maybe never. Only time will tell.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54986.5_

 

Captain Janeway came by our quarters today. She was so busy being debriefed by admirals than who want to know everything about our trip home, she couldn't come earlier. How can we possibly explain Admiral Janeway's role? That Temporal Prime Directive stands in our way, to be completely honest, yet we have to be honest with the bigshots. I haven't been debriefed yet, and I hope they forget all about me. They won't, of course.

 

There's no way for us to hide the advanced technology Admiral Janeway brought us, either. It's all over the ship. Starfleet engineers have already started going over everything. I was called down to Engineering this morning, to stand in for B'Elanna (who's technically on maternity leave) to answer questions from Commander Geordi LaForge. He's been dragged in from the _Enterprise_ to examine what we've done to our ship. I told him, with complete sincerity, that he might learn more from Seven and Harry, because so much of the technology is Borg-based, and they were the ones who installed the bulk of it four years ago.

 

That isn't really a lie. Since Seven arrived on board, we've used lot of Borg technology to upgrade _Voyager's_ systems. I know LaForge's reputation, and it seems fully justified from the impression he made on me when we spoke in Engineering. I'm sure he already knows there's more to it than _that_. It will be up to him to figure out the non-Borg, futuristic additions, but Seven and Harry really are the best ones to talk about it all, other than B'Elanna. But I wouldn't be surprised if LaForge shows up at our door and asks to see the baby -- and to talk a little shop. As long as B'Elanna can continue to get the rest she needs, I'd be okay with that.

 

Anyway, to get back to the captain's visit, I asked her if she would be willing to tell us what she meant when she thanked Admiral Janeway in absentia. (Harry heard her say it, too.)

 

She said she'd tell us, but if it comes up in any debriefings, B'Elanna and I should simply say we only have hearsay information which might not be accurate. We should defer to our captain for the explanation. We said we were perfectly willing to go along with that condition.

 

"Remember Icheb's pathogen?" she began. Of course, how could we forget? Apparently the captain asked the Doc and Icheb to build on Icheb's parents' work, but to develop another delivery system so Icheb would never need to be placed in jeopardy again. It was a last resort weapon to be used against the Borg, and only if we knew we wouldn't have any way of saving the drones to turn them back into individuals, as we had Seven, Marika Wilkarah, Lansor, P'Chan, Icheb, and the rest of the Borg kids.

 

They developed a powerful neurolytic pathogen that could be delivered into a person's body via hypospray. The pathogen would not harm the carrier unless they were Borg, but if the carrier was ever assimilated, the infection would quickly spread through their cortical nodes to the ship's central nexus system. Every drone on the affected vessel would have "chaos brought to order." And they would die.

 

The captain administered the pathogen to the admiral just before she left on _Voyager_. While her shuttle's "stealth" system was incompatible with _Voyager's_ systems, so we could not use it, Tuvok confirmed Admiral Janeway engaged it once she was out of visual range. The admiral slipped into the nebula and the transwarp hub shortly before we did. The admiral's destination was Unimatrix Zero-One, the Borg Queen's home base. Her part of the plan was to tease the Queen to distract her from what we were doing and deliver the pathogen within Unimatrix Zero-One. She never expected to survive the encounter, but with any luck, she'd be assimilated by the Queen herself. No one knew what would happen if the Queen received the pathogen directly. B'Elanna immediately understood the implications. "This infection would be far more powerful than the one we used to protect the Unimatrix Zero drones. Now I understand why all those cubes and spheres were blowing up around us. It wasn't only the transwarp hub system that was collapsing. The Queen's control over every Borg was being destroyed by the pathogen's infection."

 

The captain said we couldn't be sure of that. "Lots of unknowns for now," Captain Janeway cautioned us. But Seven has confirmed the transwarp hub system as a whole is history. Sensor readings from all the quadrants, including the part of the Delta Quadrant Starfleet has been able to explore, confirm that the system has been obliterated. Any surviving Borg ships may still have transwarp capability, but they won't be able to travel anywhere in the galaxy in minutes any more, unless they find a way to rebuild the hub network. "The safest thing to do is to say nothing, until we're sure the Borg threat is a thing of the past."

 

The captain brought a gift for Miral. She'd heard about the booties from Seven, so she gave us an infant-sized environmental suit. It's better than a baby bunting. Even Miral's little face will be covered, and she'll have a supply of oxygen. Just in case. And it's good in temperatures to minus forty degrees Celsius. We'll still use Seven's booties if we ever do have to use it. Klingons feel the cold, especially in their toes! Or so B'Elanna tells me all the time when I put my "freezing feet" against hers in bed.

 

Forgive me for saying I hope Miral is never in a position to wear that cute little environmental suit, now that we're back home in the Alpha Quadrant.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54988.6_

Dad came to see us today. We're still on _Voyager_. No one has been hauled off to prison yet. It's all been about family reunions.

 

Dad went on and on about how beautiful his new granddaughter is. He didn't say anything about signing her up for the class of 2400 at Starfleet Academy, but I glimpsed all the signs from his facial expressions alone. I hope he'll be more easygoing with her and with any other grandchildren coming his way than he was towards his kids, like most grandparents are.

 

It was great to see Moira and Kathleen and finally meet their husbands, since we never had a chance to do a face-to-face over the datastream. Moira said she was mad I'd made Mom and Dad grandparents before she and Don did. She was joking -- I think. She was smiling when she said it. She's due to deliver next month. Her baby will be a boy, so she'll win the "first grandson" title. It's nice that Miral will have a cousin almost the same age as she is. He'd better be a quick developer, though, if Miral takes after B'Elanna and most Klingon-human hybrids. Maybe it won't be Ktarian-human fast like Naomi's growth rate, but the differential should become obvious very quickly. Kathleen and Sven haven't announced any plans to have a kid themselves yet. I like Sven. He's got the same sort of cool Scandinavian temperament Seven has. It could have something to do with his line of work. He's an astrophysicist and a civilian. Don's a civilian, too. I can't blame my sisters for not wanting to go down the Starfleet path after what our own childhoods were like.

 

They told me they were sorry I couldn't see Mom. She's off-Earth, visiting Bajor, where she spends most of her time in charitable work. Moira and Kathleen took me aside and let me know I was right about her "adopted grandchild's" parentage. It was such a relief to hear. They've kept the secret from everyone, including their husbands and Dad. They don't know if Mom has told him anything about it, and they won't mention it to him until they're sure she has. I'm happy to record in my log that both of my sisters have raised funds to support the Desdichado Foundation, Mom's organization. They said they originally did it in my "memory." I asked them if they're sorry I came back. They both laughed. Moira punched me on the arm for even saying such a thing out loud. Ah, sisters! They're ecstatic _Voyager_ came back, carrying their little brother and new niece home safely.

 

Dad told us everyone at Starfleet Command is all a-twitter over our very dramatic return. _Voyager_ received a grand review escort from the fleet to Spacedock, of course, but that's only the first of many parades he anticipates. There's already one planned for next week in San Francisco. It will be so great to get down to the city again, although it's doubtful I'll get to see much of it. I'll do my best to sneak a few views while we're marched along Market Street.

 

He hemmed and hawed a bit before telling me that, other than any "official crew functions," I'm going to have to remain on board _Voyager_ for a while. "I have to have my next Out-Mate Board review before they'll let me off, right?" I snapped at him, I'm sorry to say. He looked so deflated when I reacted that way. That's exactly what has to happen. I apologized. He said he understood.

 

The _Equinox_ Five and all the Maquis will also have to stay on board until decisions are made by Starfleet Command about our how they're going to handle us. Since B'Elanna and I are both affected, it doesn't mean much to us other than we won't have an opportunity to do any sightseeing between events. Our family will face whatever happens as a unit. I hope the Federation doesn't drag its feet on settling things, even if it involves court martials for all of us. The sooner we know what they plan to do with us, good, bad, or indifferent, the better.

 

Icheb and Seven will not be required to stay on board after tomorrow. They've already received clearance to visit Earth. Seven's Aunt Irene Hansen invited them to visit her for a few days. I gather they're expecting to stay with her until the big parade. When Icheb returns to Frisco, he'll start classes at Starfleet Academy as a second-year cadet. Academy staff interviewed him this afternoon to establish which courses he can begin taking immediately, since the current term has already begun. Professor Reagan, my old Stellar Cartography instructor, passed me in the corridor after the interviews were over and told me "that young man is a credit to the entire crew of _Voyager_." I gather Icheb impressed everyone with his maturity as well as his academic achievements under Tuvok's tutelage. Impressing Reagan wasn't a surprise, given the time Icheb spent working with Seven in Astrometrics!

 

Dad told me the brass at Starfleet Command has been discussing wardship of Icheb, since he's a minor without any parents. Icheb isn't an orphan, but some sort of court order will be necessary to clarify his status. Icheb can be declared an emancipated minor who has the capacity to live independently. Alternatively, someone can be appointed to act as his guardian until he reaches adulthood, or he can be legally adopted. I asked Dad if he and Mom would consider adopting him. Icheb and I have always gotten along well, and I've always wanted to have a little brother.

 

That's when Dad dropped the bombshell, the Big Secret B'Elanna always said he must be keeping, since he and Mom never spoke to us over the datastream together. They've been separated for more than five years.

 

He admitted Mom was upset at the way he acted after my tardy confession about the true events at Caldik Prime. She was devastated when I was sentenced to Auckland for treason as a Maquis. Dad convinced her not to visit me "for a while" after my incarceration. And of course, "for a while" seemingly turned into forever when I was lost with _Voyager_ in the Delta Quadrant. She got her own place and forged her own identity as "Alicia Kelley." He knows about her work with orphans on Bajor and in the Demilitarized Zone. He said I should ask her about it when I speak with her, which I know means, "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

  

So, they aren't in a position at this time to adopt Icheb, even if they should want to. After my family left, I suggested we might consider it to B'Elanna. She didn't get angry or point out that our futures are under a cloud. Our own child may have to spend time living with relatives if we're sent to prison. She just said, "I'd be happy to make a home for him, but don't you think Seven and Icheb should have their say about his future before anyone else gets involved?"

 

And of course, she's right. Icheb may relate to me in a little brother/big brother way, but Seven has acted _in loco parentis_ to him ever since he arrived on _Voyager._  In all honesty, she still does. I'm certain her relationship with Icheb will always be strong. If she wants to make it official, she's got "first dibs." They share a unique history. Only a handful of people in the galaxy have been assimilated by the Borg and afterwards lived as individuals to tell about it.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54990.9_

I finally got through to Mom on Bajor. She's delighted we're home safe. She'll board a transport for Earth tomorrow and expects to be back within the week. She told me she has a "surprise" for me when she arrives. Thanks to that drawing she sent me in one of the datastreams, I have a hunch I know what that surprise might be. I hope it will be safe for that person to come too, if I'm right and Mom isn't traveling alone.

I asked her why no one ever told me of her separation from Dad. She wanted to, but Dad begged her not to say anything until I was home and they could tell me in person. I asked her if they broke up over me. She said, "indirectly." I couldn't help it; I got upset. She tried to comfort me, but it's pretty difficult to do that over a com line. When I calmed down she asked me, "Didn't your father explain it to you when he saw you _in person_ , the way he agreed he would if I wasn't home when you got back?" I told her what he'd told me. She huffed in that way she does when she's seriously annoyed, especially when she's mad at Dad. "So he didn't tell you about the political angle?"

 

Now, I've heard lots of reasons for people to split up. I guess there must be couples whose differing political views cause arguments which lead to divorce; but I'm willing to bet they have other problems, too, and the differing political agendas are only a reflection of those other issues. In my parents' case, their main problem really _does_ seem to be a matter of their taking different sides on a political issue. Mom was upset my father went along with the suppression of the Maquis to placate the Cardassians. She always called the Maquis freedom fighters when Dad referred to them as terrorists (I actually remember them doing that from when I was home on leave from the _Exeter_ , before Caldik Prime).

 

Dad told me the truth when he said Mom was upset because he told her not to visit me in New Zealand, and how bitter she was about not seeing me before I was lost. However, their estrangement was due to a lot more than that. Dad was vocal in his support of the campaign against the Maquis in the Demilitarized Zone. "Your father was tortured by the Cardassians. How _COULD_ he take their part against Federation citizens who had been betrayed by their own government, all to hold off a war they knew was inevitable?! So I became Alicia Kelley again, and founded the Desdichado Foundation." Right after that she told me her com time was running out and suggested I look up her organization after we'd said our farewells.

 

B'Elanna and Miral were with me to meet her over the com line while I was talking to Mom. As soon as her call ended, B'Elanna and I looked up the Desdichado Foundation. There were thousands of references to "Alicia Kelley" and her charity. Every one we read was glowing with praise (except for a couple of Cardassian publications, but that's to be expected). The foundation fed, clothed, and housed refugees displaced from their homes during the Dominion War and afterwards, with an emphasis on saving the children. They located surviving relatives to take care of kids who had been orphaned or whose parents had been imprisoned. When none could be found to take in a child, the foundation obtained a foster home or, preferably, an adoptive one for that child. Mom has already received major awards for humanitarianism from eight planets in the region, including two from Bajor. One is the highest medal for civilians from the Bajoran civil government. The other, from the Vedek Assembly, was presented to Mom by their religious leader, the Kai.

 

Not one of the articles we found mentioned Mom was the estranged wife of a Starfleet admiral.

 

I called Dad afterwards. I laid into him for not letting me know what was really going on with my parents. I had a right to know. He admitted Mom's work is an "open secret" at Starfleet Command, but no one has made a fuss. I asked Dad if he was going to divorce Mom. "No! I certainly don't want that, and your mother doesn't want it either." I asked him what it would take to get them back together.

 

The look on his face, I mean, he looked a hundred years old when I asked him that. He only said, "We're working that out now." It was an evasion I had to accept. They may be my parents, but it's their marriage. I have no right to butt in with my opinion any more than they have a right to barge into my marriage with B'Elanna. Besides, I've got enough to deal with right now. Dad will be dragged into it, too, before it's over. I'm pretty certain of that.

 

I was going to let it go, but B'Elanna insisted I call one of my sisters and find out if they know anything more. I couldn't reach Kathleen, but Moira is on leave from work, awaiting her son's birth. She filled me in. Mom said she'll come back to him, but only if Dad comes out in support of full pardons for the Maquis and expresses his disappointment that the Federation abandoned the peaceful planets of the Demilitarized Zone to the Cardassians. Publicly. I groaned. My mother has my father stuck in that proverbial space between a rock and a hard place. For an admiral to do what she wants him to do would be career suicide -- even if she's the one in the right about the issue. Unless other admirals start admitting a mistake was made (or even that it _might_ have been made), Dad can't do it.

 

Or maybe he can, now that he doesn't have to worry about Starfleet bean counters balking at funding the Pathfinder Project any more. The extension of communications more than 35,000 light years into the Delta Quadrant through Pathfinder is a tremendous achievement. Everyone involved with the program is bound to receive glory and a promotion, especially the prime movers who were pivotal to its success:  Lieutenant Reginald Barclay, Lieutenant Commander Peter Harkins, and Admiral Owen Paris. _Voyager's_ contacts with Pathfinder enabled us to report tactical information and many of our discoveries to Starfleet Command even before our return; and Pathfinder provided us with the help to get us home. Maybe Dad's career _could_ survive him admitting he was wrong about the Maquis. From what Moira told me, I gather he actually does agree with Mom's position at this point. He just has to gather his courage to speak out openly.   

 

I don't envy Dad right now. Moira made it clear she agrees with Mom, and Kathleen has been on his back about it, too.

 

B'Elanna was ecstatic. "Your mother, a Maquis! Tom, I know I'm going to love her. I can't wait to meet her in person."

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 54998.7_

 

Mom's back from Bajor. She came alone. Her first stop after she arrived was to visit my sister Moira and meet her new baby grandson, Jason. He was a couple of weeks early, but both of them are doing great. Her second was to transport up to us on _Voyager_. B'Elanna and Mom took to each other immediately. When she wasn't gushing over her beautiful granddaughter Miral, Mom was praising her brilliant and talented daughter-in-law B'Elanna. Oh, and she's pleased to get her prodigal son back, too. "It's wonderful to have you home safe! I can't tell you how worried I've been, even after I knew you were alive on _Voyager_. I was so afraid something bad could still happen!" She didn't say anything about running into the Borg. She didn't have to.

 

She'd hoped to have company on the trip back, but the only one who she could safely bring with her was little Tommy. Contrary to Bajoran tradition, his mother took her husband's name and is now known as Rikaar Larys. Only those who know her well are aware her true name is Ro Laren. She's a well-respected vedek on Bajor. I was wrong to think Tommy was named for me. He was named after her husband Rikaar Tomas, a cook and lay brother at Laren's monastery. Mom showed me his image. He's a big guy, dark-haired, with a twinkle in his eye that seemed familiar. I thought he was Bajoran, of course, when I saw that wrinkled nose of his.

 

Then Mom filled us in on his history. A few years before we were lost in the Delta Quadrant, the _Enterprise_ went to Nervala IV to retrieve data which had been left behind when a research station there was abandoned. Commander William T. Riker, _Enterprise's_ First Officer and husband of Lieutenant Commander Deanna Troi (our Doc's buddy from his jaunt to treat Dr. Zimmerman on Jupiter Station) was a junior officer on the _Potemkin_ when that ship responded to the original distress call. He was on the away team which rescued the scientists, but because of problems with the _Potemkin's_ transporter, he barely managed to get back on board. When the _Enterprise_ team beamed down to get the records left behind, they discovered _another_ William T. Riker. He'd been living alone in that abandoned station for eight years. The transporter split Riker's signal and bounced a duplicate of him back onto the station. Since the station's com system was inoperable, this other Riker couldn't communicate with his ship, and the crew of the _Potemkin_ didn't know they'd left anyone behind. Because of our experiences with Dr. Sulan and with Tuvix, B'Elanna and I had no trouble believing something like this could happen.

 

As there already was a William T. Riker in Starfleet, the duplicate decided to refer to himself by his middle name. The two were "reclassified" as identical twins. Lieutenant W. Thomas Riker tried to resume his Starfleet career, but things didn't go well for him. Eventually, he became disenchanted with the Federation's position towards the Maquis and defected. He stole a Starfleet vessel, was captured, and was sentenced to life in prison in a Cardassian facility. His life sentence would not have been a long one under those circumstances. He would have "expired" within a few years, without any questions asked by the Cardassian bureaucracy.

 

However, when the Klingon Empire declared war on Cardassia, an attack was launched on the prison where Thomas Riker was being held. Ro happened to be there on the day of the assault,  one of the vedeks sent by the head of her monastery to bring spiritual comfort to Bajoran prisoners there (Ro had not known it would also be an attempt to free Maquis prisoners when she accepted the assignment). In the middle of the battle, Ro helped to free Riker.

 

After returning to the sanctuary of the monastery, they fell in love and married. Tommy is their son. Even though he's named after his dad, Ro also was memorializing me when they chose the name. Rikaar's Bajoran nose is a bit of plastic surgery designed to disguise his real identity. He would be as subject to arrest as Ro, if anyone finds out who and where they are. The Cardassians would love to make sure that life sentence was carried out, but they'd have to get their hands on him first. Mom hopes that with _Voyager's_ triumphant return, a pardon may be granted so they, and others like them, will be allowed to travel freely around the quadrant.

 

At our request, Commander Chakotay came to our quarters while Mom was there. She informed B'Elanna and the commander that Sveta's information wasn't completely accurate when she sent her letter to Chakotay through the Hirogen network. The Maquis movement _was_ dead at that point, but more of the Maquis had slipped into hiding than Sveta knew about. Mom has met many of them. Unfortunately, the people Sveta said had been killed in her letter apparently _are_ dead. Mom never ran into any of them on her travels. That was hard for all of us to hear.

 

After Mom had oohed and aahed over her granddaughter long enough to be able to tear herself away and return home to San Francisco, I thought about what she'd told us. I remembered a conversation Ro and I once had when I was in the Maquis for those few short weeks. We both knew we were involved in a dangerous cause. We understood we might not be together forever. After B'Elanna and I fell in love, I hoped Ro might find someone someday, too. My hopes for her happiness rose when we received that drawing from "Tommy," and Mom wrote to tell me "the vedek" was doing well. I was happy for her. Now I'm happy for the guy she found, too. It sounds like he's had almost as hard a life as Ro did. Her Prophets must have been looking out for her after all. When I look at my own wife and daughter, I guess maybe they looked out for all of us.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55007.4_

I've finally had my "Out-Mate Review," only six and a half years late. As promised, Captain Janeway testified on my behalf at the hearing.

 

I was surprised how long the hearing took. It seems half the crew wanted to speak up for me, and all of their names had to be stated for the record so their depositions could be entered as official exhibits. They didn't have to read every deposition aloud, fortunately, but I'll get a copy of them when I receive documentation of the reviewers' decision. In the end, the only ones permitted to speak at the hearing were Captain Janeway, Tuvok, and Harry. As the senior members of the surviving original crew of _Voyager,_ and the non-Maquis officers I'd had the most contact with, their testimony was all that was required. I must admit, it was great for my ego to hear the splendid things they said about me. They managed to gloss over my more questionable acts. Maybe it's due to the afterglow of our return, but most of the officials' questions concerned our wild trip through the Borg transwarp corridors while my wife was in Sickbay giving birth to our daughter. The Borg are still seen as a grave danger to the Federation, so I guess that makes sense.

 

I don't have to go back to New Zealand. My sentence has been commuted to "time served." I should think so! I'd received a very long sentence originally, but it had already been reduced as "excessive in length" shortly after _Voyager_ disappeared. That might have been a favor to my father as much as anything, but it helps me out now. So, while my future in Starfleet it still very much in doubt, at least I don't have to worry about going back to prison.

 

But: I'm still an ex-con with a Dishonorable Discharge from Starfleet to my discredit. It doesn't look good for me to continue as a Starfleet officer, even if B'Elanna and the other Maquis have their ranks confirmed and their charges connected with participation in the movement are dropped or pardoned. Maybe it will all work out. At least I'm eligible to apply for work somewhere, and I'm allowed to visit my family planetside. Since B'Elanna can't do that yet, my family will just have to visit us here. I'm not about to leave Miral and B'Elanna alone up here on _Voyager_ while I play around on Earth.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55019.6_

The other shoe has dropped on the _Equinox_ Five. It's not good, but they know it could have been far worse.

 

The Board of Inquiry on the " _Equinox_ Affair" finished up last night. The findings were announced this morning to those who are privy to the decision. Besides the _Equinox_ Five themselves, that includes our entire crew -- and virtually no one else. Marla and Noah came to our quarters today to say their goodbyes once they learned their fates. They've packed up their belongings and are leaving _Voyager_ today. As in, right now.

 

None of the Five will be court martialed for the murder of the aliens which were used as fuel on the _Equinox_. The Board of Inquiry determined they acted under "legitimate orders from their superior officers." I think that's a real stretch, although I know the Five didn't have much choice in the matter, given Max's strong-arm tactics. "Lack of evidence" was cited as another reason for the decision. The only way they could be tried would be for Captain Janeway and our crew to testify, since the _Equinox_ was reduced to atoms in the Delta Quadrant. No one from our crew has volunteered to testify, and the board has decided not to subpoena us to force us to do so.

 

All of us know the real reason for this leniency is the deification of Rudy Ransom and the other "lost martyrs" of the _Equinox_ , a hoax perpetrated by the families of Ransom and Maxwell Burke, in collusion with some of the admirals in the upper echelon of Starfleet. Because the "incident" is classified, the Board of Inquiry was limited in how severe a sentence they could impose upon the _Equinox_ Five and still maintain that secrecy. Someone was bound to inquire why these five had been disciplined so severely. What they needed was a deal attractive enough to convince the _Equinox_ Five to accept it, but also get them out of the service. Quietly.

 

The board's decision has implications for other _Voyager_ crew members, however. The admirals who are the most worried about the bad press Starfleet would get if the truth about the _Equinox_ becomes known are also the ones who bear the most antagonism towards the Maquis. The loss of the _Equinox_ was announced after Captain Janeway sent her logs to Starfleet Command, when Pathfinder first succeeded making contact with us. These admirals were quick to publicize the fact that everyone on _Equinox_ was a "loyal Starfleet officer," unlike the crew of _Voyager_.  A quarter of our crew had been identified as former Maquis in that same communication. The devil is in the details, as they say, and those details were immediately classified top secret. I don't know if this group didn't have sufficient clearance to learn the true story at the time (hard to believe) or if they decided public opinion would best be served through Rudy's widow's and Max's mother's campaign to have the crew of _Equinox_ decorated for heroism. No decorations have been handed out as of yet, but apparently they're still being discussed.

 

This puts Starfleet in a bind. If they throw the book at the _Equinox_ Five, the terrible truth is sure to come out. They certainly don't want that. So, in return for "voluntary" resignations from Starfleet, the _Equinox_ Five will retain the benefits they've earned and will not face further punishment for their crimes. The loss of rank and ratings Captain Janeway imposed on Marla and Noah for their acts of sabotage when they stole our multiphasic shield generator was deemed sufficient discipline for those acts.

 

To protect the reputations of everyone who served on _Equinox_ , the guilty and the innocent alike,  the board's hearing records are to be kept sealed during the _Equinox_ Five's lifetimes. All records of the _Equinox's_ time in the Delta Quadrant are highly classified. None of the _Equinox_ Five can tell anyone the real story, either, nor can they let anyone know why they resigned from Starfleet. Their official line must be that their time in the Delta Quadrant satisfied any desire they had for a career in Starfleet. By keeping mum, they will also pass security clearances for civilian work in many fields which otherwise would be closed to them, even if they received suspended sentences. And the rest of us can never say anything, either. Until Starfleet decides to declassify the incident, we have to keep our mouths shut or endanger the Five to charges in the future. There's no Statute of Limitations for murder, as the captain reminded us when she shared the decision with us today.

 

This is no problem for Marla. The way is now clear for her to adopt Aimee. For her baby's sake, Marla had already decided to resign from Starfleet. Her sister has offered them a place to stay for as long as they need one. Eventually, Marla would like to get a job and a place of her own in the Frisco area, to be near her sister's family. Brian Sofin, Angelo Tessoni, and Jim Morrow will be able to serve as crewmen on merchant vessels if they decide they still want careers in space. At present they're not sure what they want to do, other than to be able to plan their lives without prison terms and criminal convictions clouding their futures.

 

Noah is the one who has been affected the most. He was always dedicated to his Starfleet career, but he realizes he never had any realistic chance of staying in, no matter what the decision of the Board of Inquiry might have been. He's glad the hearing records were sealed and labeled "Top Secret." He also has no idea what he's going to do with the rest of his life, but he says he'll manage somehow. I feel so bad for Noah. I was furious with him at first for what he did, but I'm sure he would have done the right thing from the very beginning if he'd been given the chance by Rudy and Max. The reputations of the others who didn't want to participate in the killings and who subsequently died have also been preserved by this decision. That also goes for the members of the crew who died during the first week _Equinox_ was in the Delta Quadrant. Even though they couldn't possibly have had anything to do with the atrocities against the "Spirits of Good Fortune," it's unlikely the general public would be able to make that distinction.

 

All I can say is, there better _NOT_ be any jail time for the Maquis after this decision. And no medals for "heroism" for the unethical Rudy Ransom and Max Burke and their co-conspirators, either. They're all safely dead and with unsullied reputations, thanks to their families' preemptive strike to obtain favorable public opinion. It's not right, but it's better than telling the truth and punishing the ones who, as even Ransom admitted to Captain Janeway, were worth saving.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55023.6_

Okay. I do understand that with the Maquis situation not yet settled, the captain and Commander Chakotay are not in a position to enter into a relationship any more than they could in the Delta Quadrant (not that such niceties every precluded Kirk and many other captains from enjoying the privileges of rank when a pretty young officer or crewman caught their eye). Our captain is of the Strict Adherence to Protocol School, like Captain Picard of the _Enterprise_ (even though I've heard he dallied with one of his officers for a while). Technically, Chakotay is still under her command, so the hands off policy on her part makes sense.

 

But Chakotay and Seven of Nine? Please, tell me that's a joke.

 

Sue Nicoletti visited us in our quarters yesterday. She told us the real reason Seven has been staying on board _Voyager_ after she came back from her visit to her Aunt Irene _._ It's because Chakotay is quartered here (confined, really, but I appreciate Sue's not rubbing our noses in it).

 

I honestly didn't want to believe it, but I checked with Harry and several of the former Maquis. They all say it's true. Just before Admiral Janeway showed up to start us on the final leg of our journey home, Seven had her cortical node modified by the Doc so she would be able to experience an emotional attachment with someone. That someone is Chakotay.

 

Seven is a beautiful woman, and she has been showing more emotional reactions lately, but she's still Borg in so many ways. I haven't seen her much, it's true. I've been too wrapped up with my family, especially my exquisite new daughter, to pay much attention to what Seven has been up to. But Chakotay? The man who seemed made of wood half the time? The guy who wanted to space Seven out of the airlock on multiple occasions after she came on board _Voyager_? I don't see it. Frankly, Seven and Harry go better together, and she's never been willing to give Harry the time of day. Seven and _DOC_ go better together, for that matter! He's carried a torch for her for years.

 

I do have to wonder if the way Captain Janeway got together with that Norvalen guy Jaffen on Quarra still bothers Chakotay. It shouldn't. Jaffen zeroed in on "Kathryn" as soon as she started working at the power plant. If Chakotay had been on _Voyager_ when we were attacked by the renegade Quarren, he and the captain may have been the ones to get together. I was immediately attracted to B'Elanna when I saw her in Umali's bar, even though I had no idea of our true connection to each other. But Chakotay wasn't on Quarra until much later, and Jaffen was.

 

I know a lot of people credit me with the perceptiveness of an amoeba when it comes to romantic relationships. One of the few betting pools I wasn't involved in was the one that involved me: "Who will be Paris' next sexual conquest?" The crew was wise enough to conceal that one from me for over five years. I was really pissed when I heard about it, particularly since B'Elanna and I had been together for over two years by that time and the crew was still running it.

 

If they only knew how seldom I bedded anyone until after I'd fallen in love with B'Elanna!

 

One person did know, and even though some complained he had "inside information" because he was my close friend, Harry realized very early on I wasn't the guy I was pretending to be. He picked up on my attraction to B'Elanna even before Vorik's attempt to claim his boss as his mate. Eventually, after B'Elanna and I were married, the pool had to pay off Harry.

 

This doesn't mean I don't have opinions about the relationships which cropped up amongst the crew. For instance, I knew Tabor and Jor would make it legal someday (which they finally did, last weekend). I knew most of the other love affairs on _Voyager_ were destined to end badly long before they did. I've got that same vibe from Seven and Chakotay. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think it's going to last forever, any more than Harry's latest love affair will.

 

I really hope Harry didn't mean it when he told me he's getting back together with his ex-fiancée Libby, A.K.A. the widow of Danny Byrd. I met her at the big "welcome home" dinner at Starfleet Command -- the one all of us were allowed to attend, even the _Equinox_ folks. There was something about Libby that put me off. She almost never let go of Harry's arm. She had her nose up in the air around anyone under the rank of admiral. She was even cool to the captain!

 

It doesn't help to know her late husband is the same Daniel Byrd who was raised on Kessik IV and made B'Elanna's life miserable when she was a kid. I suppose that could be affecting my opinion of Libby. Still, I'd hate to see Harry fall into a relationship with her again. He was over her years ago. She doesn't seem to be his type any more. Harry deserves better.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55055.6_

 

We had another "public event" today that allowed us off the ship. We traveled to the Starfleet Communication Center (Sol Sector) to participate in a function at the auditorium. We were all guests of honor at the wedding of the Federation Ambassador to the Delta Quadrant, Neelix of Talax, and his bride Dexa. It took lots of planning on Reg Barclay's part to set it up, since the ceremony had to take place within the eleven minute Operation Watson communications window we'd used during the last part of our journey. Neelix and Dexa said they didn't mind having a quick ceremony. A second wedding is usually a quieter one on Talax, and Dexa was a widow. Her first husband, you may recall, Personal Log, was killed a few years before we encountered the Talaxian colony inside the asteroid field.

 

She really is a lovely lady. Her son Brax "gave his mother away" to his "new Dad, Neelix." It was a very happy occasion, especially since Neelix was sent his official credentials as Federation Ambassador in the datastream just before the ceremony began. Several news agencies were present in the auditorium with us. The wedding has already been widely publicized in the Federation, which pleases Neelix no end. After the ceremony, a reception in the bride and groom's honor was held at the Center. Reg Barclay had it filmed to send to Neelix tomorrow, during the next communication window.

 

Some other information shared between the Talaxian colony and Starfleet hasn't been publicized yet, and may not be for a very long time, or ever, for that matter. I think Starfleet Command is afraid it will turn out to be inaccurate.

 

Neelix has always been great at gathering information. He's managed to set up communications with space traders who have been traveling near the Talaxian asteroid. Even the miners who gave them so much trouble have become much friendlier, thanks to the agreement Neelix forged. The Talaxians will trade them ore they've dug out of their asteroid whenever they open up new tunnels for housing. They need to get rid of it, and apparently there's a lot. Since extracting the ore from the asteroids was the reason the miners were blowing them up, having the Talaxians do the work for them is beneficial for everyone. In the course of those negotiations, the mining group provided some of the data that Neelix shared with us.

 

Neelix has been unable to confirm that anyone has seen an intact Borg cube or sphere within the surrounding three sectors. Many Borg ship debris fields have been found, but only a handful of Borg drones have been discovered. Those that have shown up have been wandering around in small scout vessels or shuttles. None have been aggressive or tried to assimilate anyone, in fact, they've declared themselves to be individuals. Neelix believes all the drones who have been found alive so far have the Unimatrix Zero mutation. Neelix knows of several who have gone to medical institutions to request surgery to remove as many implants from their bodies as possible.

 

Some of us chewed over this information at the end of the wedding reception. Seven pointed out that if Admiral Janeway successfully introduced the neurolytic pathogen, as we've conjectured, Neelix's information is the likely outcome. Most of the drones who were tied to the Queen would disintegrate physically as they separated from the Queen's mental control, since that's what the pathogen was designed to do. The ones with the Unimatrix Zero mutation might not fall apart, as they'd already been disconnected from the Collective. It's possible only the drones with the mutation are left alive. It's difficult to know how many there might be. There could be a few million or so, widely scattered throughout the four quadrants. When she confronted Captain Janeway in the Unimatrix Zero incident, the Borg Queen estimated the number of drones with the mutation was one in a million. Even if there really were trillions of them under her control at that time, this could mean the end of the Borg as a threat to the galaxy.

 

Dad told us none of this information will become public knowledge until deep space expeditions can set out and confirm not only that it's true, but that any surviving drones haven't linked up through another Borg Queen. It will take years to do this, even with Pathfinder as a template for setting up very long range communications in all directions within the Milky Way. He told us, playing Devil's Advocate, that it's possible some Borg ships had enough time to adapt and survive by cutting ties to the Queen, if they were far enough away from the central complex. He also mentioned there was evidence the Borg Queen has been replaced in the past, and no one knows how that process works. Will surviving Borg choose to form a new Collective in some way, with or without a Queen? Then he said, "Just being cut off from the Queen's control may _not_ have been fatal for all the drones or vessels." (Seven wanted to interrupt him here, but the captain stared at her and she sputtered a second before holding her tongue.) Dad finished his oratory with, "We have to be sure the threat is over before going public with this."

 

There's also no way of knowing what happened to the drones with the Unimatrix Zero mutation who were part of the resistance. If their vessels were destroyed, they may have been, too. "But Commander Korok had already broken his sphere free of the Queen's control," B'Elanna reminded us. It's possible his vessel survived. We won't know what happened to them for a long while, either.

 

If the beings from Fluidic Space contact us, we might be able to get more information and even confirmation of the death of the Borg Collective from them. It's a hopeful development, but it's not definitive as of yet. I agree with Starfleet Command's "no comment" policy. It really _is_ too soon to trumpet any triumph over the Borg yet.

 

I've had one thought about this I can't shake, but I'm not saying anything about it to anyone but you, Personal Log. After we had our excursion to 20th century Southern California, the Federation Temporal Police never told us why they'd sent us back to where we were in the Delta Quadrant before all of it began. They could have simply brought us back to our own century, but in orbit over Earth. Captain Braxton also never explained why he let us all keep our memories of those events, or why they let the Doc keep his 29th century mobile emitter. None of these things are consistent with what we've been told about time travel restrictions. Could the ultimate destruction of the Borg be the reason we had to go back to our original location in the Delta Quadrant?

 

_End Personal Log_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_Personal Log Addendum_

Neelix and Dexa sent us a lovely video, thanking us for sending them the audio/visual record of the party we held in their honor after their wedding the other day. Neelix said he loved the idea that they could share their "big day" with us, despite the distances involved. The couple looked extremely happy. I'm very glad for Neelix, even though I miss him terribly. I've had time to get used to the idea, and I'm grateful he's found his own people again. At least he's settled in a place we can still reach through our communication methods and can keep in touch. He's much happier there than he would have been in the Alpha Quadrant, even if he did manage to open up a Talaxian restaurant to earn his way. He's got a family again. I know how important that's always been to Neelix. I hope they can continue to be happy always.

 

  _End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55078.6_

 

The "other shoe" has finally dropped on the Maquis, and this time, it's very good news!

 

The President of the Federation, no less, announced the decision. In view of the exemplary actions of the Maquis on _Voyager_ , a general amnesty was announced for our crew. Even better, amnesty has been extended to anyone accused of activities against the Federation during the "unfortunate events which took place in the Demilitarized Zone before and during the Cardassian and Dominion Wars." Anyone convicted of charges in connection with the conflicts with Cardassia has been pardoned -- even if the charges include desertion and/or treason. Sveta and the handful of Maquis who were still in prison have been freed. Their rights and privileges as citizens of the Federation have been restored. After a lot of pressure, the Cardassian government also agreed to drop any pending charges and will free any remaining prisoners they may have in their custody, "in the spirit of interstellar unity." This assurance of their cooperation was the last piece necessary before _all_ the Maquis could be pardoned.

 

The president did not publicly announce another pardon. I was told about it afterwards, by Captain Janeway. Tuvok questioned why no evidence was ever presented during the investigation into the accident at Caldik Prime about my emotional state after the accident, since I'd suffered serious injuries in the crash. Tuvok suggested my initial report's inaccuracies may have been influenced by those injuries. He pointed out that since human beings are subject to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when injured the way I was, my being cashiered after I later confessed I had not told the truth in my written report may have been a more severe penalty than was warranted under the circumstances. I didn't admit my own pilot error caused that accident until much later, that's true, but it's also true I didn't file the false report for over a week because of my injuries. I was subject to headaches and severe pain for weeks after the accident. Honestly, I still don't remember all the details even now. I should have reported what I did know right away of course. It never occurred to me that PTSD might have been a factor. I guess it's possible it was.

 

At any rate, after the testimony from my Out-Mate Review was reviewed by the president, along with additional documentation from Tuvok and Captain Janeway, a pardon for my actions after Caldik Prime was issued. I will be allowed to reenlist in Starfleet if I choose.

 

The clouds hanging over all the Maquis, including B'Elanna, and those over my head, all are cleared away. If I wish to continue as an officer under her command, Captain Janeway will welcome me back to her staff. B'Elanna and I have both been granted the rank of full lieutenant -- for now. I have a hunch B'Elanna will outrank me very shortly. A Chief Engineer on a ship the size of _Voyager_ almost always holds the rank of Lieutenant Commander, at the very least.

 

This is great news for us, but even better news for those very near and dear to my mother's heart. Vedek Rikaar Larys and her husband have also received official pardons as a result of this decision. With any luck, we'll be able to visit with them very soon. I'm looking forward to seeing if Rikaar Thomas is as stiff a guy as his "brother" Captain William Riker turned out to be when we met at the welcome home dinner a few weeks ago. Reg Barclay says they're both great guys, but Reg's social acumen has always been a bit suspect. Still, our "adopted" crew mate Reg has earned the right to be taken seriously by everyone on _Voyager_ , so I'll accept  his assessment until proven otherwise.

 

I'm also relieved to say that one of the Starfleet admirals present at the President's declaration, who afterwards confirmed publicly that he'd had "grave doubts" about the Federation's position towards the Maquis for several years and was "thrilled to put this sad chapter behind us," was my Dad. Captain Janeway told us Dad "brought tears to everyone's eyes" when he testified in favor of the general amnesty and pardons. I hope this means my mom's conditions for coming back home to him have been satisfied. It's about time.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55102.5_

At the most recent, star-studded, "Welcome Home, _Voyager_ " reception held last night, a lovely couple were very much in evidence. Dad had Mom on his arm the entire night. I saw many admirals and politicians approach them (even Admiral Necheyev!) to congratulate Mom for all the good she's done with her charity. Everyone at Starfleet Command has known who she was and about her work for years, but none of them felt the need to make an issue of her to Dad. She was providing humanitarian aid. Now that her true identity has been publicly acknowledged, her good works are reflecting some of that glory back onto Starfleet.

 

My parents are finally back together. Really back. What a relief!

 

Before we left the dinner, Mom told me that "the vedek and her family" are due to arrive late next week. Apparently their presence is necessary, as they'll be the guests of honor at the Desdichado Foundation Awards Dinner in two weeks. It will be great to finally see them in person, but I have to confess I'm getting tired of big formal functions, especially those of the official "Welcome Back" variety. I hope that will be _IT_ for a while. We've seen enough of Libby fawning over admirals during the past couple of months, not to mention Seven standing at Chakotay's side with a somewhat frozen smile on her face. She really has been trying very hard to be cooperative, but it's clear she'd rather be in Astrometrics, measuring gravimetric shears and stellar anomalies, than be stared at by a bunch of jealous politico's wives.

 

I'm ready to get on with my life. B'Elanna is itching to get back to work, too. For the past several weeks, Harry and Seven have been working on the project to make the Delta Flyer "prototype" the standard shuttle for deep space missions. B'Elanna and I have been invited to join the team, now that our status with Starfleet has been confirmed. Once our formal orders come through and we've got the child care situation for Miral set up to our satisfaction, we'll be ready to start.

 

I only wish Ensign Myers and her "You Blitz 'em, We Fix 'em" shuttle building team could be part of it! All three have been on extended leaves with their families. I think Myers might decide to retire. Although she's been promoted to Lieutenant j.g., she's put in more than the minimum years in service and would like to stay home with her family. She's been separated from them long enough. Tim Andres was also promoted to Lieutenant j.g. He's been recruited by the captains of several Starfleet vessels and is trying to choose which one to go with. Jim Joseph is considering whether or not to accept an offer to attend Starfleet Academy. He's still in his mid-twenties, so he wouldn't be out of place as an Academy cadet. I wish them all well.

Don't worry, Personal Log. This new job won't interfere with our relationship. Since _Voyager_ is getting a grand make-over, thanks to all the band-aid fixes and damage it sustained over the past seven years, her crew, if they're remaining in Starfleet, are being given alternate assignments while the refit takes place unless they really want to move on. Most of our Starfleet regulars want to stay with _Voyager_. I'm still, _officially_ , Chief Helmsman of _Voyager._ There's one really great thing. I don't have provisional or brevet status anymore. I'm the assigned Chief Helmsman of _Voyager_. Very cool, right?

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55120.2_

The Rikaar family arrived from Bajor yesterday morning. Personal Log, I'm not sure I can express in words just how wonderful it was to see my old friend again. When B'Elanna saw Laren for the first time in many years, she actually ran to her and they hugged, to the very great amusement of Laren's big bear of a husband. Or _lycitha_ , as she calls him. (That's a Bajoran animal that's a lot like a bear.) He _is_ very much like his twin, but he's different, too. There's nothing of "command" about him, and he laughs a lot more than Will does. I noticed this because Deanna and Will showed up at my parents' house, too, shortly after Laren and Thomas arrived.

 

There was tension at first. Thomas had impersonated his brother when he stole the _Defiant_ to attack Cardassian installations, which caused a lot of trouble for Will Riker. The Cardassians hounded Starfleet about it, insisting Commander Riker had to be the thief. This went on until one of their Guls confronted Commander Riker on the _Enterprise_ while Thomas was known to be in solitary confinement at the Lazon II Prison. The last time Ro Laren saw Will Riker, she was holding the business end of a phaser on him and defecting to the Maquis.

 

Eventually, everyone began to warm to each other. I don't think it was accidental that Deanna was working to keep everyone's interaction cordial, since she had a relationship with William T. Riker before they split into two people. She's married to Will now, but she was friendly with Ro Laren on the _Enterprise_. As far as Deanna is concerned, they're all family now. But the one to pull everything together was little Tommy, when he came into the house. He'd been outside in my parents' yard playing when Deanna and Will first arrived.

 

When he was introduced to his Uncle Will, Tommy looked back and forth between his uncle and father before asking Will, "Why does your nose look so funny?" His mom said, "His nose looks a lot like your Grammy's, doesn't it?" Tommy shrugged his little shoulders. Then he climbed into his uncle's lap and started asking him what it was like to live on a starship. I think everyone drew a sigh of relief when Will started conversing with his nephew in a very soft, amused voice.

 

Reg Barclay was there, too. We all congratulated him on his promotion to Lieutenant Commander, a reward for his work on the Pathfinder Project. Captain Janeway has already told Reg he's to be considered part of _Voyager's_ crew whenever there's an official function, and he'd better attend! While we were all chatting, Deanna told B'Elanna and me about the change she's seen in Reg since _Voyager's_ arrival home. He may never be completely at ease in social situations, but she says he's so much better now than he used to be. He's been justly praised for his work, and it's made a difference in his self-confidence level.

 

Deanna was very taken with our Miral, too. She's always been a beautiful baby, but now Miral's personality is emerging, too. Little Tommy fascinated her, and he spent several minutes making faces and getting her to laugh out loud. B'Elanna thinks Deanna has "baby fever." Maybe she does. Reg told us how long she had to wait before her on-again, off-again relationship with Will Riker was reignited, which led to their finally getting married.

 

Will and Deanna promised to visit Thomas and Laren at their monastery in Bajor the next time they're in the vicinity. With any luck, we'll all have the opportunity to visit from time to time, since my mother considers Laren her adoptive daughter and has been "adopted" as little Tommy's "Grammy." As far as we're concerned, we're _all_ family now. With our _Voyager_ family starting to drift apart, I'm glad the Paris family is coming together again.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55122.3_

Tonight we left Miral with Marla and Aimee while we attended the Desdichado Foundation Dinner. It was a very nice affair, different from most of the events we've been attending. It wasn't a " _Voyager_ Return" event, but one which served as a fund raiser for my mom's charity. Captain Janeway was present, without a formal escort, but since Commander Chakotay also attended by himself, they sat together on the dais. As far as I could see, they were as friendly towards each other as they'd ever been on _Voyager_. Lots of little touches on his arm on the captain's part. A helpful elbow offered by Commander Chakotay whenever the captain took to her feet. I had no desire to ask him where Seven was tonight, but B'Elanna wasn't shy. Chakotay told her Seven couldn't come because she and Harry were working late on the Delta Flyer shuttle project. Hmmm. I'll have to ask Harry what's up with that. At least we didn't have to put up with his fawning fiancée Libby tonight.

 

The speeches were almost as stultifying as they always are. Just because a function is connected to humanitarian efforts doesn't mean the speeches will be edifying. There were two exceptions. I don't know if my mother has always had a flair for public speaking or if it's a new development, but I really loved how she addressed the gathering and introduced the guests of honor. She didn't dwell on their histories with the Maquis, other than to acknowledge that both had been part of the movement before they began their work with the Desdichado Foundation. My mother introduced Vedek Rikaar as being an "old family friend" who had been involved with the organization from its very beginnings on Bajor. Her husband was introduced as a pilot who had flown many missions, rescuing families, especially children, from perilous living situations and delivering food, clothing, and medicines to refugees throughout the region.

 

Rikaar Thomas acknowledged the crowd's applause but said little, deferring the "speechifying" to his wife. I understood why when Laren began to speak. She's a forceful orator who knows the most effective speeches are ones which are short and succinct. Hers was both. One thing she spoke of which I hadn't known previously was her work as a counselor at her monastery, specializing in helping people who had been sexually abused. I know how qualified she is for that sort of work. I'm pleased she's able to use her difficult past to help others now.

 

This was the first time Moira and Don have attended a social event since the birth of little Donald Owen Jamison. Kathleen was also at our table with her husband Sven Larsson. I started kidding about the "population explosion" in the family, and Kathleen began to blush. She's three months along. Looks like the Paris family will be replicating lots of diapers for the next few years! It was great to see how well B'Elanna gets along with my sisters and their husbands. I'm sure the fact we no longer need to worry about going to prison is part of it, but ever since Miral was born, B'Elanna's moods have mellowed out substantially. Moira said one word, "Lactation," when I mentioned it at our table. B'Elanna laughed, but she admitted that something has certainly helped her keep her Klingon side under control lately. Moira's explanation is as good as any.

 

All and all, it was a wonderful evening. Lots of money was raised for a very good cause. My parents both looked fabulous and, more importantly, happy together. The Paris siblings and our spouses had lots of time to chat and feel very good about where we are in our lives right now. The only thing to worry about now is that things may be going _TOO_ well. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know how long this "going great period" will last, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as it does.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55127.8_

B'Elanna and I started work at the "Delta Flyer Class Shuttle Project" today. It was great to get together with Harry and Seven again. The basic design will be the same as the first Flyer we built in the Delta Quadrant, over three years ago now. Then, we had to make do with the materials at hand. It was a great little ship. We lost it a couple of years later, when B'Elanna, Tuvok, and the captain invaded a Borg cube to help the drones who visited Unimatrix Zero escape the clutches of the Borg Queen.

 

Our second "prototype" Flyer is still serviceable, but Starfleet Command wants to enshrine it in a museum! I don't know if they'll want to fossilize good old _Voyager_ , too. I wouldn't be surprised. However, when the brass toured the Flyer, they were overwhelmed with how much stronger and more versatile it is than conventional Starfleet shuttles, even though it isn't appreciably bigger. Our project is to design a fleet of Flyers to become the new standard shuttle for the entire fleet, not just for deep space missions, which was the original plan. Our _Voyager_ crew will be on record as the original design team. Vorik has signed on with us, too. Lieutenant Myers will be with us for the next year, too, since her family is stationed on Earth. She decided to put in one more year before her retirement, so at least one of our "You Blitz 'Em, We Fix 'Em" team is working with us. I'm really glad she's here.

 

One team member I truly do miss. Joe Carey would have been so tickled that our work on the Delta Flyer has made such an impression on the brass. I miss him so much. I still can't mention him to B'Elanna without both of us getting very emotional.

 

Harry and Seven initially were established as the team's co-leaders, but they've both stepped back. They insisted B'Elanna and me should be the leaders of the project from now on. When Admiral Har'vien visited to check on our progress, Harry told him the only reason they'd been put in charge was because we weren't available while our status with Starfleet was still up in the air. The admiral agreed with that assessment and appointed us to head the team, but he's awarded special commendations to both of them for the work they've completed so far. Annika Hansen (as she is listed officially on the team roster) is a civilian employee of Starfleet for this project. She has no interest in having official Starfleet status. She said she'd rather leave that to her adopted son Icheb. Everyone on the team gets along great, but when it comes to Harry and Seven/Annika, something's not right. There's nothing specific I can put my finger on to explain it. It's not their working relationship, I know that. If anything, the two of them are working together better than they ever have before.

 

It might be I'm sensing their personal lives aren't quite as rosy as both claim. My dislike of Libby Byrd could be affecting my judgement when it comes to Harry's situation. He's living with Libby, and he seems grumpier in the morning and in the evening, when he has to go home to her, than he does any other time of the day. I freely admit I still can't comprehend the relationship Seven has with Chakotay. They're both very attractive people, of course, but their emotional and psychological make-ups are just so different. It isn't a case of opposites attracting. When we were on _Voyager_ trying to get home, all of us were working towards the same outcome. Now we're here, and without any more striving for a common goal, our relationships have to reflect our true natures. Both were born on Federation colony worlds, but that's about the only thing they share as far as I can see. I don't understand how that one fact could make them happy together.

 

I vividly recall Chakotay telling his story of the Scorpion to the captain, when he came out against the plan to ally ourselves with the Borg against Species 8472 (the Fluidians). I don't see Seven as a scorpion any more, I admit, but their true natures don't seem at all in sync. Everyone says they're "deliriously happy together." Maybe it's just me.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55176.7_

The Delta Flyer project is going great. Seven seems more relaxed for the past week or so. I don't think it's a coincidence that Chakotay was invited to spend time on the _Enterprise_ with Captain Picard and Commander Riker. I wonder if Picard is considering him to replace Will as exec? There's a hot rumor that Will has been offered command of his own ship (for about the fifth time, I've heard, but this time I understand he's seriously thinking of accepting it). I'd love to see Chakotay fill a position like that. It would mean a lot to any of the former Maquis to know he's in the exalted position of First Officer on Starfleet's flagship. However, Chakotay has also been offered a position teaching at the Academy next term. I can see him there, too.

 

I'd rather see him on the _Enterprise_. Seven seems happier when he's not around.

 

Speaking of hot rumors, everyone's waiting for the official announcement of Captain Janeway's promotion to admiral. Dad says it's hers if she wants it. I'm not sure I want her to take it. Hasn't she proven how amazing a captain she is? I hope she pulls a Picard and decides she wants to stay a captain. I don't ever want her to become an admiral, after what Admiral Janeway did for us. That's an altered time line. I don't want there to be any chance of my Captain Janeway sacrificing herself to the Borg to save us in this one.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55230.5_

Captain Janeway has accepted a position teaching at the Academy. The talk of promotion to admiral has died down. Will and Deanna are transferring to the _Titan_ , but there's no word of who will be replacing him as Picard's exec. Chakotay has gone to visit his sister on the planet where she's currently living. Dorvan, their home planet, needs terraforming before becoming habitable again. She's nearby and has been working with the terraformers, I understand. No word on what he's going to be doing once he leaves his sister's.

 

Seven continues to be relaxed and focused on the job. She's been visiting us at our apartment every few weeks for dinner. She gets along even better with B'Elanna than she did towards the end of our "tour of duty" on _Voyager_. That's how they're referring to it now. I think some of the admirals and captains must be getting jealous of the public's fascination with _Voyager's_ journey and want to downplay it any way they can. From where I'm standing, I wish them a lot of luck with that. We're still recognized wherever we go, and frankly, I'm getting bored with it. That's why our dinners with Seven, and usually the Doc, too, tend to be quiet ones at home instead of nights out at any of the trendy spots. It's just so much easier for us that way. And we get to spend more time with our little love Miral, too. The Doc dotes on his goddaughter, and I enjoy seeing him with her. If only she hadn't become one of his pet projects! Every time he comes, he has to complete a new "developmental evaluation chart" of her. He's thrilled she's so "advanced for her age." She's a quarter Klingon! Of course she's advanced for her age!

 

Personal Log, I don't think I've ever mentioned our apartment to you before. When Mom and Dad got back together, they returned to the family home where I'd grown up. They'd leased it out while they were separated. B'Elanna and I moved into the two bedroom place my mom owns. It's a great place for our family because it's not so big that it takes a lot of time for us to maintain it. We can spend most of our time hanging out with each other when we're home. It would make a great _pied a terre_ if we take a position off planet at some point in the future.

 

When our shuttle project gets to the final testing stage, we'll probably end up at Utopia Planitia for a while. After that, who knows? Maybe I'll get a test pilot or instructor position while B'Elanna moves on to another engineering position. As long as we're together as a family, I'm willing to go wherever she goes. She's the star. I may be back in Starfleet, but I have no illusions about satisfying my dad's ambition for me to become another in the long line of distinguished Paris family admirals. I'm not cut out for it. Mom knows. I hope Dad will settle for an admiral named Torres in the family. Or maybe Miral Paris will turn out to be next in line. I'm a pilot who would rather become a famous holodeck novelist after my reflexes start to fail rather than get bumped up to the bureaucracy. I'd rather get lost in the Delta Quadrant again.

 

I was talking apartments before I got off track, Personal Log. Sorry about that. Dad rented his to Marla Gilmore. It's on the ground floor, which is easier for Marla to manage with little Aimee. Marla's obtained a good civilian job as a consultant at a local engineering firm. Her office is just down the street from the Starfleet Communications Center, where Reg Barclay works. It's not far from our project's building, either. We all get together for lunch sometimes. She's very content and keeps us up to date on what Noah, Brian, Angelo, and Jim are doing. Noah found a job as an analyst at a science lab in Vancouver which has contracts with Starfleet. The other three have signed on with merchant ships, so they're back in space, just not in Starfleet. I'd love to see Harry and Marla get together, but he's still living with his former, and now current, fiancée Libby. Since he's been living with her, he's not the same happy Harry Kim I knew from our "tour of duty" on _Voyager_. Something is bothering him, but whenever I ask him about it, he says nothing's wrong.

 

_(deep sigh)_

 

What is it about him? Libby might be an "attainable" woman, but she isn't good for him. Maybe his mom's insatiable desire for a grandchild is keeping him from seeing Libby for what she really is: a social climber in love with Harry's celebrity as one of the "legendary crew of the starship _Voyager_." He says they're engaged, but I never hear a word about wedding plans. Harry's drifting, and he doesn't even seem to notice. Or care. I don't know what to do with that boy.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55306.9_

I asked B'Elanna if I have to salute her when we get to work now. She bit me on the cheek and threatened to punch me if I even tried it.

 

As expected, B'Elanna was just named Lieutenant Commander B'Elanna Torres. I taught Miral to salute her. Fortunately, B'Elanna loves to see her daughter do pretty much anything cute and salutes back to her very smartly. I love to see my women happy!

 

We're moving into a new phase of the project. I'm not sure whether we'll be ready for the field testing phase in the next month, which was the original plan. B'Elanna can't understand why we could build the original Delta Flyer in a matter of days when we needed it coming out of the Void (the first Void polluted by the Malon, not the weird anomaly where _Voyager_ almost got stuck forever), but now it's taking us months to finish up when we have all the resources we need at our fingertips. I told her it's that "mother of necessity" thing. Plus we didn't have several dozen admirals breathing down our necks, demanding we write them progress reports every time we turn around. On _Voyager_ , we dictated our official logs and made regular reports to Chakotay and the captain on our progress at staff meetings. Then we just kept on working until we were done.

 

Oh, well. Maybe someday we'll look back at this project and get all nostalgic because our vision of putting together her engineering skills with my flying experience was fulfilled in the Alpha Quadrant, not only when we were Lost in Space. This can't compare to what we did with far less in the Delta Quadrant, but if the Flyer becomes the standard shuttle for Starfleet, it will really boost our egos. I hope that will be enough to compensate us for all the work we've put into it!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55323.9_

 

I went to see a Very Important Person at Starfleet Academy today. I visited Boothby.

 

His doppelganger on the Starfleet facsimile station in the Delta Quadrant, the Species 8472/Fluidian Boothby who thought Starfleet wanted to invade Fluidic Space, had been mentioned to him, but not in any detail. He was very interested in what I had to say about him. I had to admit I never got the chance to meet the guy, but I'd heard a lot about him from the captain and Chakotay. He didn't know, for instance, that the Fluidian Boothby turned out to be the actual leader of the group. He asked if we knew what ever happened to them after they returned to consult with their "superiors" in Fluidic Space. I had to tell him we have no idea. For all we know, they went through with their plans to spy on us, and some of them are here at Starfleet right now. I gave him a squinty-eyed look, and he laughed. "No, I’m the same Boothby who always used to nag you to listen to your betters when you were busier flying at the prettiest girls instead of paying attention to your studies. You always had the potential to be great, Paris. I guess you didn't inherit the ambition gene from your old man." And that made me laugh!

 

We got back to the Fluidians. I told him about the one the Hirogen hunter pursued through our ship. He was dying, but he could have hurt us if he'd wanted to, and he didn't. As long as they learn we don't have any plans to invade their home space, I don't care if they _do_ spy on us. We would never have attacked them at all if not for the Borg Queen's duplicity during our so-called alliance, when the Borg sent us to attack Fluidic Space. The Borg left out a critical detail. The Borg were the ones who'd invaded Fluidic Space first. The Fluidians were only defending themselves. "You sound like you admire them, Paris," he said. "I haven't heard anyone refer to them with that 'Fluidian' term you use." I told him I was sure they'd be offended to be known by a Borg designation, since they were avowed enemies of the Borg. I wouldn't mind meeting some of them, either. Chakotay, Tuvok, and Captain Janeway had all the fun on that station with the recreation of Starfleet Headquarters.

 

Boothby asked me about our crew, and I filled him in on what I knew. He extended condolences to me about Ro Laren. He thinks she's dead. I didn't bother to correct that impression. She may have received an official pardon, but it was written up in her new name. It's probably safer for her if it's not generally known Vedek Rikaar Larys is actually Ro Laren. I still can't trust the Cardassians after what they did to so many people and planets during the Dominion War.

 

He's getting up there, but Boothby still loves to work in the gardens. I told him to keep his eye out for Icheb. Boothby's already spoken with him. "A fine young man. He'll be one of the good ones," he replied. What little he knew about the Fluidian Boothby, Icheb told him. Since that happened before Icheb came to _Voyager_ , Boothby was glad I could fill in more of the details.

 

Boothby was very happy to hear about my marriage to B'Elanna. "I was sorry when she pulled out of the Academy. She had a lot of potential. I'm glad things are working out for her." He looked at me then and said, "I'll bet you're good for each other." I laughingly agreed.

 

He asked me about the captain. I told him what I knew, which at this point isn't much. He said if I see her, I should tell her to visit him. I think he's got some advice for her. I'll make a point of contacting her about it. If there's one person whose advice always seems to be perfect, it's Boothby. Maybe I should send Seven and Harry to him, too. They both need to hear from a person they can respect. They're obviously not listening to me.

 

_End Personal Log_

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55479.9_

We're getting there on the Delta Flyer project. The main reason we're not ready for production yet has to do with the change made in the propulsion systems. The brainiacs at Utopia Planitia have been improving on some of the exotic drive technologies we brought back from the Delta Quadrant. The space-folding one from Steth's ship seems to be very workable for vessels as small as the Delta Flyer. Incorporating that drive meant changes were also necessary in the structural integrity and inertial damper systems. We're very excited about this, as it will make the Flyer series really fast. Standard impulse, thrusters, and warp drives are all included, too. Sorry to geek out, Personal Log, but it really is a cool little ship. And what do you know, my retro pilot's controls are actually better at controlling the folding space drive than the LCars touch system. It has to do with the feel of the navigational system. I felt pretty cocky when Admiral Har'vien okayed those controls.

 

There's nothing new to report on our co-worker relationship fronts, as far as I can tell. Seven is still living with Chakotay, but she never talks about her home life. When I ask, all she'll say is that both of them are doing "well." I never even get a "very well." Harry still hasn't set a wedding date with Libby, although that's good news from my point of view. I'd rather they split up to give both the chance to be happy. They're "mok'tah," as B'Elanna told me. "Bad match."

My little Miral is blooming, but she's exhausting, too. She's getting into everything! We have to watch her constantly. We brought her to the lab today because we were bringing her to Doc at lunchtime for her checkup (since he hasn't been at our apartment for a couple of weeks -- and that's another story). One of us had to keep Miral within arm's length the entire time. She was chattering away incoherently and wanted to examine every single piece of equipment she could reach. She wasn't destructive, but our lab hasn't exactly been baby proofed. She's barely five months old, but she _is_ part Klingon. Miral can already pull herself to a stand, and she moves really fast when she crawls. So, even though she's not actually walking yet, my baby can get into anything if she spots it from the floor. After her appointment with Doc, we brought her over to my mother's to stay for the rest of the day. From now on, she'll be with Mom before _AND_ after any lunchtime appointments.

 

About the Doc. He's dating, which isn't a surprise. Charlene and his family program are part of his past now. He says he's been dating organics exclusively lately. (I accused him of being prejudiced against photonic women. He was not amused.)

 

His latest is a statuesque blonde who's a ringer for Seven of Nine. He met her at the opera. Of course. She sings in the chorus. Her voice _is_ very pretty (they sang a duet for us), but I'm sure her overall look is the main attraction for Doc. I didn't speak with Miranda long enough to find out if her personality is like Seven's, too. For Doc's sake, I hope not.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55662.7_

Mike Ayala visited us today. He'd been searching for his wife and sons ever since we got back from the Delta Quadrant. Over a month ago, I mentioned it to Mom, and she asked me for names, birthdates, etc. A day later, she contacted me to let Ayala know where his family has been living. After Mike disappeared and things were going downhill fast for the Maquis, Maria changed her name to the nondescript Mary Smith, and her sons became Michael and John Smith. When Mom met them a while later, she helped them move to a small station on the outskirts of the Valdian Expanse, in the Beta Quadrant. Maria had heard of _Voyager's_ return, of course, but not the details. She never realized Mike was aboard. The last she knew, her husband was reported lost on the _Val Jean._ She missed that was the name of the Maquis ship we'd met up with in the Delta Quadrant. I know Mike had been upset when he never heard from her through the datastream. Now he knows why he never heard from her. She didn't know he was alive.

 

Fortunately, she hadn't completely made over her life. She was raising her sons by herself. When Mom contacted her via subspace, she broke down completely and kept on saying, over and over, "I can't believe he's alive." Mike spoke to her over a subspace connection the same day, but even though Mom immediately booked the family onto a vessel headed to Earth, it's taken all this time for them to get here from such a remote location.

 

Mike said he's grateful to me for my tiny bit of help in reuniting him with his family. I told him the thanks go to my mother, who was the one who actually did the research. His boys think it's cool their father was on _Voyager_. They'd followed our story more closely than their mom, but they were so little when their mom changed everyone's name, even they never made the connection their father's was on the published list of survivors.

 

I'm happy for Mike. He switched over from Tuvok's Security unit to mine just before _Voyager's_ dramatic return to the Alpha Quadrant. Now he may switch back to Security so he can find a billet where he can be stationed with his family. He says he's done with deep space cruises. I can relate. We've heard so many tragic stories about lost Maquis family members since we got back home, it's terrific to hear about one that's been reunited and whole, even if it took a while to get everyone back together.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55680.9_

John Torres, B'Elanna's Dad, just left after his latest visit. Miral was especially charming tonight, batting her long lashes and flirting with him. He says she looks just like B'Elanna did when she was a baby. He had more presents for her, of course. Showering his granddaughter with gifts won't make up for all the ones he failed to give his daughter for so many years, but he does seem to be making a real effort to work on their relationship. Until tonight, he didn't touch on why he left the way he did, or why he never tried to get in contact for all of those years.

 

But after we finally managed to get Miral to sleep, we sat around the kitchen table for another hour or so, talking. Just talking. A serious one, at last. I think this may prove to be a real breakthrough. If this doesn't do it, nothing will.

 

It started in such a simple way. John was sharing some stories about B'Elanna's precociousness, and how cute she was when she was trying to imitate her mother's Klingon words and phrases -- _petaQ_ was one of the first Klingon words B'Elanna could pronounce perfectly (why am I not surprised?) -- but she could switch to Spanish or English with ease. At one point, he called B'Elanna "Querida."

 

And she burst into tears.

 

Now that _was_ a surprise. B'Elanna only cries occasionally, and it's always over something so big, like the time she learned her mother really was dead because of a casual offering of condolences in a letter, that it was immediately understandable why she would break down. Her dad's calling her by an old pet name didn't seem like that big a deal to me, although I immediately put my arms around her to comfort her. Her sobbing didn't let up, however, until I turned her over to her dad. That's when I saw he was crying, too. "I'm so sorry, Querida. Maybe I haven't earned the right to call you that anymore, but I want to. You _are_ my dear one, you know that? Just like your mother was, until I couldn't live up to my promise to be her warrior. I wasn't strong enough. My mother was right. I wasn't strong enough for your mother, but I'll never regret marrying her, because you, Querida, are the result. I was a coward, running away like that. I should have stood up to her and stayed, no matter what. I should have kept in touch with you, no matter what. Forgive me, B'Elanna! My Belle Anna."

 

Words of wisdom from a failed husband. Wisdom, and a warning. I'm not going to ever run away from my family, the way John did, but it could get tough sometimes. Fortunately, I like to scrape shields with B'Elanna every now and then. I _AM_ a warrior in my own way. I was bred and trained to be one. I'm getting to love my Klingon studies more and more every day. I'll never become a true Klingon warrior, of course. Don't have the genome for it, for one thing. But I'll hold my own against anyone who wants to challenge me. I was doing it long before meeting B'Elanna encouraged me to explore the culture so I could understand her better.

 

I decided John Torres either never thought of doing that, or failed when he tried. I didn't want to ask him which it might be right in front of my wife. I thought I'd do that another time, instead of putting him on the spot. As the conversation went on, I think he answered my question without my asking it.

 

When both of them had calmed down, wiping their eyes and even chuckling a little bit about how they both "lost it" for a few minutes, I came up with a question I thought he could answer, I hoped, without everyone dissolving into tears again. "John, couples break up all the time. My own parents' marriage was broken for a while, and they're still working on mending it. But why didn't you keep in touch with B'Elanna? It would have meant so much to her."

 

He looked up at the ceiling and shook his head before answering. "I know your mother wouldn't've _really_ cut my heart out with a rusty bat'leth if I contacted you, B'Elanna, but when it all broke down so suddenly, all I wanted to do was go away somewhere and lick my wounds for a while. I gave notice at my job and jumped onto a starship for Earth the next day. I knew the letter I left for you wouldn't be enough, but since I left all my credits behind for you and your mother, once on board the ship, I really couldn't afford the subspace communication charges. I told myself I was going to call you when I got to Earth from my mother's house. I hated to stick her with the charges, though, so I decided to wait until I'd gotten another job, so I sent another letter. And then, of course, I never heard from you after that. I figured you were so mad at me for leaving, which you deserved to be, and . . ."

 

"You wrote me letters." B'Elanna's voice was the merest whisper.

 

He'd written her a dozen letters in the first year after he left. B'Elanna never saw any of them.

 

Then B'Elanna told him she hadn't been mad at him, she was _devastated_ because he left right after she told him to leave.

 

"What are you talking about?"

 

"On the camping trip. Remember? When I ran away, and then you tried to talk to me, I told you to just leave if you couldn't live with two Klingons."

 

"The camping trip? Oh, God. That had nothing to do with my leaving! That only made me more determined to try to understand Klingon culture, but your mother had had enough by then. I'd failed her as a warrior. My honor was too compromised for her to ever recover her own. She went on and on about it. You know how she was, B'Elanna. Your mother was wonderful, and exciting, and a complete hardass if either of us didn't live up to her expectations. I don't want to speak ill of her to you, dearest, but your grandmother L'Naan warned her against marrying me, just as your grandmother Torres warned me I wasn't going to be strong enough for Miral. I'll never forget L'Naan saying to us we were 'Mok'tah.' Bad match. I'm afraid both of your grandmothers were right. But everyone loved you, B'Elanna. I wish my mom was still here to give you a big hug, but since she isn't, may I?"

 

Of course, they did, and then B'Elanna turned to me and gave me one. Actually, she held on to me for quite a long while.

 

We spoke a little while longer about what happened. He tried to contact B'Elanna through subspace several months later, but that was after she and her mother had moved away from Kessik. Miral had put B'Elanna in the monastery to "learn Klingon ways," and once he heard that, he thought it would be better to wait until B'Elanna left it before trying to reach her. He admitted he just drifted along, intending to touch bases with her, but somehow he never did. He blames himself totally for this, because he never even wrote her after he learned she was in Starfleet Academy. Then he heard she'd dropped out, and he never knew where she was until her name appeared on the listing of "Missing, Presumed Deceased" members of the Maquis ship _Val Jean_. B'Elanna's cousin Elizabeth was the one who told him B'Elanna was alive on _Voyager_ , months after she'd been advised of it by Starfleet. That's when he said he knew he was going to grovel to let him be a part of her life, if he ever had a chance to speak with her again.

 

After John left, B'Elanna had some more pain to get off her chest. "I guess there was another reason for Mother to be bound for Grethor besides my 'lack of honor' and misdeeds. How honorable was it for her to hold back the letters written to me by my own father?"

 

I asked her if she wanted to take back everything she did on the Barge of the Dead to get her mother into Sto-Vo-Kor. Of course she didn't. She admitted her own honor _had_ needed some brushing up, since she was going to try to cheat her mother into Sto-Vo-Kor. I told her I hoped my own lack of honor wasn't going to be a problem for B'Elanna and our daughter. She shook her head and laughed. "I don't think you have to worry about that, Flyboy. You've done plenty to atone for your own stupid mistakes. Just keep up the good work."

 

None of this is word for word, Personal Log. I know that. But it's close, and I wanted to make sure to remember what we said here tonight. Her dad doesn't have to worry about me punching him in the nose, the way I wanted to when first I heard about the way he left. Obviously, B'Elanna never had the story straight. It would have been easier on her if her father _had_ pushed his way into her life, no matter what his ex-wife had told him. He wasn't strong enough, and he's paid a heavy price. I can see that now.

 

There's a lesson for B'Elanna and me in what he said tonight, too. It's never easy to rebuild a relationship. It's better not to let it fall apart in the first place.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55762.1_

 

Captain Janeway and Captain Chakotay visited our Delta Flyer project today to see how we were doing. Everyone congratulated him on accepting his promotion to Captain. He had to go on several vision quests before finally deciding it was the right path for him to take. He's mulling over several offers, but most of them are on starships. He could be sent anywhere, and Seven once told us he never wanted to live so far away he couldn't transport to where she was. B'Elanna thought it was romantic. I thought it was way too mushy, even for me. Anyway, I guess they're happy. Whenever I see them together and Captain Janeway is around, he still seems closer to his former captain than his current lover. Again, maybe I just want to see what I want to see.

 

We showed both of them around before taking a nice long lunchbreak. We were talking business with superior officers, so it was okay. That's what I told everyone afterwards. With all of their experience with the Flyer, both of them were appropriate consultants. They were most interested in the extra propulsion system, and how we managed to squeeze in the instrumentation needed for it to work in the limited space we had after all the other systems were installed. Testing the folding space drive will be tricky, I know, since Steth had trouble with it. (Or maybe it was just the criminal inhabiting Steth's body at the time who had trouble with it. I'm not sure to this day what the problem really was.)

 

Anyway, after Steth's name came up, we began to reminisce about our "tour of duty" in the Delta Quadrant. It's hard not to laugh at that term, but as our time on _Voyager_ fades away in the rear view mirror, maybe we'll all accept that that's what it really was. Harry was the one who said it first. "You know, sometimes I'm sorry I'm not back there. It's so boring now." Amid all the laughter, he went on, "It's true. We would have had this shuttle operational months ago if we were still alone in the Delta Quadrant, without any admirals to hassle us! Every now and then I would actually like to have a red alert blast me out of bed. Some excitement in my life!" I was tempted to respond, but then I thought better of it. Harry didn't realize he'd let us all know more about what his life was like now than we really wanted to know.

 

Instead, I listened to everyone else chiming in. We all agreed it was sometimes difficult to reconcile our current lives with our life on _Voyager_ , never knowing what was coming next or when the weirdness quotient was greater than we ever anticipated. In those days we lived through one crisis after another, but even in the Delta Quadrant, I reminded everyone, we had time to have parties in the mess hall, or spend time on the holodeck in fun programs like Captain Proton. I complimented Captain Janeway about her "Queen Arachnia" performance, and she agreed "that was so much fun." Harry and I loved to bedevil poor Tuvok by tweaking his programs. Harry mentioned Tuvok's promotional dinner, when we admitted we'd programmed his security console and replicator to say "Live long and prosper" every time he activated either device. Harry received a vintage "Janeway glare," but everyone was laughing so hard, even our captain, that no one was offended. Honestly, I don't think Tuvok was even offended most of the time. He put on the act of being miffed (totally inappropriate for a Vulcan, by the way) as part of the joke. He knew we could have a serious morale problem if we didn't keep up the spirits of all the non-Vulcan crew members -- and maybe the few Vulcan ones on board, as well.

 

Seven asked Captain Janeway (can't just say "the captain" any more, if Chakotay is around) how Tuvok is doing. "Very well. His treatment is in its final phase. Since his daughter Asil is the one who is most compatible with him, she's working with him on his cure, under the direction of a master who is an expert in the process. He expects to be cleared for duty again in about a month." (We've never been told exactly what he has. It sounds a lot like Bendii Syndrome, but that disease usually is diagnosed in Vulcans who are twice as old as Tuvok. Perhaps some of what happened to him in the Delta Quadrant, such as becoming and unbecoming Tuvix, or when he was assimilated by the Borg, caused a very early onset of the condition. It might be another related disorder, too. I doubt he'll ever let us know what it is.)

 

B'Elanna asked if he was going to come back to _Voyager_. Captain Janeway had to admit she doesn't know yet. No one knows if _Voyager_ will ever fly again, although technically all of us are still listed as her crew. "A museum! What a waste of a fine ship!" Captain Janeway grumbled. "In Admiral Janeway's timeline, that's what _Voyager_ became. A museum, sitting on the grounds of the Presidio. With a view of Alcatraz -- on a clear day." And she harrumphed again, like it was a future she couldn't bear to contemplate.

 

B'Elanna and I looked at each other. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Harry and Seven sharing the same exchange. Captain Chakotay stared down at his hands, his brow wrinkled in concentration. I realized that this is the first time Captain Janeway had shared any personal conversations she'd had with her counterpart, in my hearing, at least. In fact, I thought it was the first time I'd heard her talk about her at all since she visited our quarters to meet Miral for the first time. When my father was talking about the Borg's status after Neelix's wedding, I can't remember if Captain Janeway said anything at all.

 

I don't think anyone knew what to say after that for several moments. Then my mouth took over from my brain, as it still sometimes does. I brought up "Woolgathering Night," when we were talking about temporal anomalies and how we still don't know why Captain Braxton let us keep the Doc's mobile emitter and didn't wipe away our memories of the incident. As soon as I said this, I looked around and saw Captain Janeway glance at Seven, and then Seven glanced at Harry, and Chakotay was sitting there with that dimple of his showing in a grin, and I remembered all of them probably knew about more temporal anomalies than I did. I shut up, not sure of what I should say next.

 

B'Elanna gave me that "What the heck are you talking about, Flyboy?" look. Other than the trip to the late 20th century and our confusing incident with Kes in Neelix's resort, B'Elanna probably has had the least number of experiences with temporal excursions -- that any of us know about, that is. Who knows what other things were hidden from us by a changed time line?

 

Finally, Captain Chakotay said we probably haven't heard from Captain Braxton because getting home with Admiral Janeway's help was part of the Temporal Police's grand plan. Somehow I doubt it, but at that moment, I didn't feel like saying anything more. Maybe we'll never know. One thing I do know: I'm enjoying this time line I'm in right now. We've all found out there are worse things than boredom.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55873.3_

We received a birth announcement today via Operation Watson. Neelix and Dexa proudly shared a new family portrait. Dexa was holding their new daughter Alixia while big brother Brax looked on. He had the biggest grin on his face. In an attached text message, Neelix revealed that the first family portrait which they'd taken a week ago, right after Alixia was born, showed a different expression on Brax's face. His smile was so forced, Neelix said, that with one look, you could read his mind. "Is this new person going to ruin my life?"

 

Now that he's had an opportunity to get to know his little sister, and he sees his mom and Neelix still love him the way they always have, he's started to relax and "enjoy the journey." I know Neelix will always miss the family he lost on Rinax, but now he's got a lovely new one to care for. We wish them all the very best.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55981.2_

My daughter is going to be spoiled rotten. It's true. Between all of our _Voyager_ crew mates, who consider Miral their unofficial little niece; three grandparents, who positively dote on her; and the entire population of Starfleet Command, Miral is going to expect a big celebration and fireworks to mark her birthday for her entire life. And maybe she'll get them, too, since Miral happened to be born on the day when _Voyager_ burst out of an exploding Borg sphere and returned in glory to the Alpha Quadrant. How can mere parents beat that by having a clown _AND_ a pony at her birthday party? Never going to happen!

 

This year is the first anniversary of our return, as well as our little missy's first birthday. We had the kid party that afternoon at my parents' house. It was really big, with Tommy and his parents visiting from Bajor, my sister Moira with Jason and Kathleen with newborn Astrid, Aimee Gilmore, Icheb, first year cadet Naomi Wildman, and a bunch of our crewmates' kids. There were more of them than we originally thought. When we were in the Delta Quadrant, our crew often held back speaking about their kids because it hurt so much to be so far away. Joe Carey's two sons stopped by for a while with their mother and brought a present for Miral, too. Ann hadn't attended any of the "welcome home" events over the past year, but she said this was different. Joe had spoken about Miral's impending arrival during their one and only Operation Watson contact. She never felt up to coming by before, but she wanted to mark Miral's birthday. "Joe would have wanted us to be here."

 

This evening was the big anniversary dinner. Very few of our crew missed it, and those that did, like Jenny Delaney on Deep Space Nine, were too far away to make it back for one night. A very healthy-looking Tuvok and his regal wife T'Pel were there. He made a point of introducing her to me and whispered, "Notice her ears, Mr. Paris." I swallowed a snorting laugh. She turned to me with eyes that were extremely bright for a Vulcan matron, and I knew she was quite aware of what her husband said to me. She took my hand gently in hers (and for touch telepaths like T'Pel, that's a very big deal). She said, "It is the essence that counts, Lieutenant Paris. I know you did your best to capture that, although we had never met in person." Then she squeezed my fingers. I basked in her approval, more than I ever have when receiving praise for my regular holodeck programs. That one _was_ special, because it helped save Tuvok.

 

There were speeches, dry and dull, naturally. A few sparkled, but not enough to make me stay quiet when I was sitting between B'Elanna and Harry. We swapped sarcastic remarks more than once, drawing a glare from our captain on several occasions. We let everyone think it was the wine and synthehol talking. Right.

 

Actually there was an excellent wine on the dais. Captain Picard was one of the attendees, and he made sure a supply of one of the select vintages from the Picard Winery was supplied to anyone who could appreciate the "good stuff." I don't care how good replicated wine is. The real thing will beat it every time, and I told Captain Picard so. Harry accused me of angling for Picard's staff, and I just smiled. Unless my family could come with me, it's an honor I know I can decline any day of the week. But the wine was _REALLY_ good.

 

After the speeches were over and the party was winding down, a group of us drew chairs around the big round table where my parents, Libby, and T'Pel were seated. We chatted for quite a while, keeping company with one another in a way we seldom have the chance to do, since our ship is still up in Utopia Planitia and we're all planetside. The refit is done, according to Captain Janeway. There's still no word on whether we'll be going out on any more missions in _Voyager_ , or if the museum idea will be put into operation. Dad said the chances were 50/50. If we do go on another "mission," it will probably be in convoy with _Enterprise_ on diplomatic missions for a year or two before _Voyager_ is landed on the Presidio permanently, as a museum. While it helped explain Captain Picard's presence, and hanging out with the _Enterprise_ people would be nice, I'd prefer a real mission or two before the mothballs are pulled out.

 

Captain Janeway confirmed she's been offered a promotion to admiral. Again. I asked Picard why he's never accepted any of the promotions offered to him. He replied he's still happy in the captain's chair. He said, in essence, that he prefers to act rather than pass judgment on the acts of a captain when he hadn't actually been there to observe the myriad of minute details which influence a captain's decisions.

 

My dad made it clear he'd be pleased if his protégée became an admiral, but it was her decision. "An admiral wields a lot of power, but so does the captain of a starship. What kind of power do you wish to exercise, Kathryn? You're as eminently qualified to be an admiral as Jean-Luc is, even though he keeps turning us down! We're enjoying your presence at Starfleet Academy. The cadets are all very appreciative that you're sharing your experiences and expertise with them. But do you want more? What do you wish to do with your life?"

 

Captain Janeway mused for a few minutes before saying, with that twisted smile we remember so well from our days in the Delta Quadrant, "What do I wish for? Well, as a captain, I can always look forward to advancement to admiral. As an admiral, all I can look forward to is retirement!"

 

Everyone laughed. Almost everyone. Harry's seemed a bit hollow, and I admit mine wasn't as hearty as I tried to make it. We all remembered the Admiral Janeway we met. I don't think I'm alone in hoping my Captain Janeway never accepts that promotion, even though the first Admiral Janeway's time line has been changed so radically, who knows what path the life of another Admiral Kathryn Janeway might take?

 

As the party was breaking up, Harry suggested some of us get together for a dinner at Sisko's in New Orleans in a couple of weeks to mark the anniversary in our own way. He said he'd be happy to make the reservations. B'Elanna and I accepted provisionally. My mother's birthday is around that time, and we couldn't attend her party last year because we were sequestered on _Voyager_. Chakotay and Seven agreed to join Harry and Libby that night, too. None of the others could make it and politely declined.

 

Since there aren't going to be any admirals present for Libby to suck up to, I thought I might be able to make it through the meal. I'd like to say I'll be looking forward to it. For Harry's sake, I'll put on my Paris game face and do my best to enjoy myself.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55996.8_

We decided to come home early. Libby was even more insufferable than I expected, and I'd expected her to be obnoxious. She clearly didn't want to hang out with underlings like us -- and we hadn't even finished the appetizers yet. Seven was a little late. When she arrived, she was alone and told us Captain Chakotay couldn't make it this evening.

 

B'Elanna shot me a "get us out of here" look, and I was happy to oblige. I'd already paved the way by explaining that Miral was fussy with teething, and I wanted her to get a good night's sleep so she wouldn't be too difficult at Mom's birthday party tomorrow. It wasn't a lie, Personal Log, but we could probably have lasted out the main course if Libby had been more agreeable. We ordered a couple of Jambalaya dinners "to go" and left a rather unhappy threesome behind.

 

I'm feeling a little guilty now. Libby despises Seven, and Harry will try to placate both of them. An impossible task! I'll follow up tomorrow to find out what happened. Commiserate with Harry, if necessary. I've got plenty of practice doing that!

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 55999.7_

I do hate being right sometimes. Harry's evening was a total disaster. There's only one real bright spot, or maybe there's two.

 

Harry broke up with Libby. And Chakotay and Seven have broken up, too. Chakotay has moved out of the home they'd shared. I'll have to call Icheb in for a little chat. He'll know some of the details, even though he's been living at the Academy. From passing comments Seven has made during down time we've had on the project, I know she confides in her son. Maybe I'll ask B'Elanna if she knows anything, too. She's been friends with Chakotay for years, and she'd been getting on well with Seven even before we started on the Flyer project.

 

After B'Elanna and I left Sisko's with our dinners, Libby went into a snit and flounced home. She expected Harry to meekly follow her. Instead, Harry _FINALLY_ showed that backbone everyone knows he has that he'd avoided showing to Libby. He and Seven had a pleasant meal after the Libby fireworks were over. Harry said they "cleared the air" about misunderstandings which have interfered with their "friendship" for several years. I'm not sure what he means by this. I'm still not positive Seven is the woman for him, but she's a major upgrade over Libby. If Harry's relationship with the widow Byrd really is over, at least he and Seven can find out if anything could ever develop between them, or if they really are to be "just good friends" for the rest of their lives. As long as Libby's in the picture, that can never happen.

 

After Seven went home, Harry brought the dinner Libby had ordered but never consumed back to their apartment, intending to bury the hatchet. Libby only wanted to bury it into Harry's back. Harry told me this morning he suddenly realized he'd been living a lie for the past year, trying to recapture a past life he should have left behind long ago. When it comes to Libby, the destination wasn't the one he expected it to be. It was a mistake for him to ever take up with her again; they aren't a good fit anymore. And on and on.

 

And I finally said, "Alleluia! My Harry is back!" and patted him on the back. B'Elanna gave him a great big kiss. (Vorik and Lieutenant Myers shrugged their shoulders and went back to work. We weren't ready to explain it all to them at that moment.)

 

Harry's moved in with his parents temporarily, to his mom's chagrin. His father told him, "I wondered how long it would take before you saw through her." Obviously, he was not a Libby fan any more than I was.

 

Seven called out sick this morning. Seven. Called. Out. Sick. First time ever. I checked.

 

Maybe that's a great sign, too. She told us once about the "fail safe" Borg implant Doc removed, which held her back from experiencing any strong emotions. She did it so she could fully explore her relationship with Chakotay. Now she's experiencing the opposite side of love and ecstasy: loss and heartache. It will make a better human being out of her. A more complete human, as Captain Janeway has always wanted for her.

 

I wonder if this will change the relationship between our captains, too? Harry indicated Seven's breakup with Chakotay was due, in great part, to Seven's perception that he's more attached to Captain Janeway than he is to Seven. That's an interesting observation, something I've thought for a long time. They're both captains now. They're both teaching at the Academy as co-workers, so there's no chain of command issues to get in their way.

 

Even if it doesn't turn out to be for "always" like B'Elanna and me, I'd love to see the two of them explore a real relationship with each other. They've always seemed so right for one another, but something (usually Starfleet protocols) has gotten in their way. We'll see.

 

Or maybe we won't. Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay have always been very careful about how they show their "do they or don't they" relationship. I don't see them changing that just to satisfy my "prurient interest," as B'Elanna says.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 56024.7_

 

We've been enjoying our lunch hours more lately. At first, when Chakotay came with Captain Janeway, Seven was clearly discomfited. That seems over now. She's as cordial to Captain Janeway as ever. How could she not be? Our captain has always treated her like a daughter, and that hasn't changed, even if the relationship between the two captain seems to be closer than ever. They're both maintaining their own apartments, but we always see them together. Maybe they switch between them when they want to change uniforms or something?

 

Harry calls Seven Annika all the time now. I can't quite get used to it. Maybe someday. Her human side really is showing more now. Maybe it's true you have to have some sad times to appreciate the good things you have. For Seven, those bad times were always Borg-related. Now, she's had the experience of getting over her "First Love," as she said to B'Elanna the other day. I wonder if she classifies what she felt for Axum in Unimatrix Zero as love, too? Her "fail safe" chip was still intact then. Maybe she doesn't have a way to compare the two.

 

She's experiencing one love, though. She speaks often of Icheb with great pride. He's doing very well at the Academy. Now that she's not trying to be the lover Chakotay wanted her to be, she'll have more time to spend with Icheb when he's free to visit her. Icheb's been loosening up, too. He called me and asked if he could come along on some Delta Flyer test flights, if he's around when we do them. I think he wants a few more lessons in evasive maneuvers. The kind of evasive maneuvers he may need to learn are how to handle attention from his fellow cadets. I understand several of the female variety have been swooning over him. They all love his "face jewelry." So much for worrying about people showing prejudice against an ex-Borg!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 56034.7_

 

We're packing up our apartment for our transfers to Utopia Planitia. I'm probably going to have to retitle you, although I really don't want to. I think in my mind I'm always going to be Thomas Eugene Paris, Chief Helmsman of _Voyager_. It won't matter what my actual rank will be, or my duties, or where I'm actually posted. _Voyager_ will always be my home.

 

I'm glad a lot of people survived who would have died if our journey had taken as long as Admiral Janeway's did in her timeline. (Captain Janeway won't tell us how many there were in that other timeline, or who. It's possible the admiral didn't recite the entire list, only the names of the people who'd pack the biggest punch.) And of course, destroying the transwarp hub may have been our greatest accomplishment. Still, I wouldn't have minded if B'Elanna and I had spent a couple of years more on _Voyager_ , raising our daughter. The crew had taken such a proprietary interest in Miral. They deserved to see more of her, just as they did our other from-birth _Voyager_ babies, Aimee Gilmore (from a maturation chamber birth) and Naomi Wildman (born in an alternate universe).

 

Come to think of it, maybe Miral is the only true from-birth _Voyager_ baby.

 

It's scary to think that Naomi has passed the Starfleet Academy exam already and has started classes this term. She's seven years old! Not your run-of-the-mill seven-year-old, of course, but she's passed all her exams. She demanded her parents Sam and Gres allow her to attend immediately, so they finally agreed she could enroll this term. In a way, it's unthinkable, and yet everyone on board _Voyager_ expected this of Naomi when we saw her shooting up a few centimeters every few months.

 

I think she's bucking to be a captain by age twenty.

 

So, do you think you'd like me to have your headings read "Lieutenant Thomas E. Paris, Personal Log, Stardate XXXXX.X?"

 

Didn't think so. I'm going to hold off for a while yet.

 

I'll hold onto the title of Chief Helmsman of _Voyager_ until Starfleet gives it to someone else. Right now, that doesn't appear too likely. Our ship's refit was completed six weeks ago, but no move has been made to move her out of Utopia Planitia to Spacedock to receive any crew. She may be ready to sail off into new adventures, but it seems more likely she's destined to remain forever near Earth. Or on it. Those plans to park _Voyager_ on the Presidio are apparently still in play, and maybe more likely every day she's not accepting her current or new crew members on board. Clearly, Starfleet is reluctant to let go of our historic journey, or of our ship.

 

So, until our formal and permanent transfers come through, I'm not changing your name, Personal Log.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 56036.6_

 

B'Elanna and I were contacted by Captain Janeway this morning. My speculation that _Voyager_ will never journey through space again now seems a bit premature. All of our crew who remain in Sector 001 and have not yet received permanent orders to another posting are being called back to active service on _Voyager_ immediately. We're to get our butts up to Spacedock ASAP. Spouses and children are not welcome unless, like B'Elanna and me, we're both assigned to _Voyager_. It's a good thing we'd finished packing what we were going to take to Utopia Planitia.

 

I called my mother and asked her if she could keep our precious Miral with her while we were "on a sudden new assignment." That's when I saw my mom's eyes were red. Dad's going with us on whatever venture it is we're heading out for. In fact, he's chosen to ride with us on _Voyager_. For the first time, I'll be serving on the same ship as my old man. I guess I'm really going to need to bring my "A" game for this mission.

 

After we dropped off Miral and kissed Mom goodbye -- make that _au revoir_ \-- we transported up to Spacedock with Dad, Harry, and Seven. The place is a total zoo. Obviously, something big is happening, because every ship in the sector is being amassed into a task force. Some will meet us at the rendezvous point later this week. Harry and I estimate there will be at least forty ships in the task force, of various classes and complements. Since _Voyager_ needs between a hundred twenty to a hundred fifty crew for optimal function, some slots are being filled by officers who had their shore leave on Earth cancelled by whatever is happening. We're also getting a company of fifteen cadets, led by third year cadet Icheb. That's a plus, since Icheb knows _Voyager_ so well, or at least did. I don't know what the refit has done to it. We won't know until we get there.

 

Harry and I will be piloting prototypes of the new Delta Flyer series to Utopia Planitia tonight. That's where _Voyager_ is still berthed. We were expecting to start our final tests on the new Flyer this week. It looks we'll be doing more than testing protocols, so we'd better have done our job well. These little ships will be needed immediately, if not sooner!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 56038.1_

 

When we arrived on _Voyager_ , we were momentarily shocked to see a couple of familiar faces we never thought could be there: Marla Gilmore and Noah Lessing. Both officially resigned their commissions, retaining their "benefits," per their agreement with the Board of Inquiry. Apparently, their benefits include the right to be called up as reservists if needed. Actually, Dad told me in confidence he'd told them they had the right to decline the "honor" if they wished, under the circumstances. Their recall is a sign Starfleet's efforts to keep the _Equinox_ "incident" totally secret has been successful. Starfleet Personnel had no reason to believe they wouldn't be welcomed back. After what we'd told him about how they'd acted as members of our crew during those last two years of our journey, Dad wasn't surprised when both said they'd serve.

 

Aimee is with Marla's sister. Marla is concerned, of course, but she's resigned to whatever happens. "The adoption is official, and my sister is her guardian if anything happens to me. I'm ready for my destiny, whatever it may be. It's already been so much better than I expected, you know?" I did know. She'll be in Engineering with B'Elanna. Noah will be in Astrometrics with Seven and Icheb. Most of their staff will be cadets, although some of the youngsters will serve in other capacities throughout the ship. The Sciences, other than the Stellar Cartography and Astrometrics units, will be thinly staffed. It doesn't look like we expect to do much in the way of exploration on this trip.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Personal Log Addendum_

 

Captain Janeway held a senior staff meeting as soon as all the officers she expected from the Sol system had arrived on board. She introduced Captain Chakotay as "acting first officer," because of his abundant experience in the position. We all smiled, but we knew better than to chortle. Most of our staff is the same as the one we had on our journey. Harry's at Ops, B'Elanna is Chief Engineer, I'm Chief Helmsman, the Doc is Chief Medical Officer, Seven is the head of Astrometrics and Stellar Cartography, and Ayala is acting Security Chief until we meet up with Tuvok at the rendezvous point. Since it's between Earth and Vulcan, Tuvok is traveling on a ship stationed near his home planet. The captain emphasized that Tuvok stated he was very happy to be back, and that his leave time is now "over." That's code to all of us in the know that the treatment for his medical condition was successful. Captain Janeway then introduced my father and asked him to brief the crew on our mission.

 

"I'm sure you're all curious about what is going on here. I'd like to say it's another 'Welcome home _Voyager'_ celebration, but it is not. Sensor readings have revealed a lot of activity in the area of our rendezvous point. Space is thinning there, and a rift of some sort is forming. We're not at liberty to speculate at this time exactly what kind of rift it is, other than to confirm it has nothing to do with temporal matters. The opening appears to be between two areas of space in our own time continuum.

 

" _Voyager_ will be positioned next to Captain Picard's flagship, _Enterprise_. There is a reason for this. _Voyager_ has experienced phenomenon while in the Delta Quadrant that no other ship in the fleet ever has. Starfleet Command wants that experience where it will do the most good, in the thick of the action. Admiral Hayes is on _Enterprise_. I'm here, of course. Other admirals from Starfleet Command are in place on other ships in this group.

 

"But make no mistake, every person who ever served on _Voyager_ during their journey from the Delta Quadrant may be able to provide more insight into what is happening than anyone in the admiralty. Make sure every _Voyager_ veteran on your respective staffs is aware of this. None of us should be afraid to speak up if we perceive something which may be pertinent to our mission. Keep the lines of communications open. Earth, the Federation, even the entire galaxy, may depend upon the actions we take in the next few weeks. Thank you all for your attention."

 

I've heard a lot of Dad's speeches over the years. Most of them were directed at me, trying to motivate me into being the "best that I could be." This time, I was glad to be on the receiving end of one of his professional speeches. When he was being my dad, I usually though he was annoying and petty. Today I understood how he got to be an admiral.

 

I know you're wondering how I managed to quote Dad so extensively. I copied his speech from the official logs. I wanted to remember it.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 56040.5_

 

We've been sweating out drills almost constantly for the past two days. The first one was the worst, because we weren't used to the changes which had been made to _Voyager_ during the refit. There weren't as many as there could have been, and we noticed almost all of the "Borg" improvements are still in place. B'Elanna said she checked out the armaments. While that wonderful ablative shielding has been removed (probably for further study before becoming a permanent part of Starfleet's standard equipment), she said the ship is equipped with transphasic torpedoes. I guess the armament research guys work more quickly than the shield brainiacs. Frankly, I was glad to hear we had some available. They make things go "boom" really good. I hope we won't need them, but . . .

 

We all hoped Admiral Janeway's sacrifice had ended the Borg threat during our lifetimes, at least. From these orders, and judging by the armaments on our ship, I have to think it did not.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 56045.1_

 

We've reached the rendezvous point. Tuvok's aboard and is back at Tactical. Ayala wavered a bit when I asked him whether he wanted to stay with Tuvok or come onto my Navigation team. He's decided to stay at Tactical and Security, to continue as Tuvok's second in command. Under the circumstances, that's probably a good idea. We have enough people in unfamiliar positions. It's good to have someone steady, like Ayala, backing up Tuvok. His condition may be cured, but it won't hurt to have an experienced backup serving under him.

 

We're continuing to perform tactical drills on a regular basis, but not with quite the intensity we did during our first few attempts. In just a few days, everyone has become much more familiar with the ship, whether they're _Voyager_ veterans getting used to the subtle changes of the refit or one of the cadets getting real life training on a ship for the first time. Our reaction times have steadily improved. Even Seven, the former "efficiency monitor," says she's impressed.

 

It has been fun to meet our shipmates. Marla and Noah weren't the only surprises. Sam Wildman is here, but this time, her husband Gres is on board with her. Naomi is not. As a brand new cadet, as much as she begged to be allowed to come, her parents and her superiors at the Academy told her she was not ready. Sam said she could see Naomi wanted to argue, but then she realized this was a test of her maturity. She may have passed her entrance exams, but Naomi still must show she's ready for the Academy experience, given her age. Wisely, Naomi showed her true mettle and acquiesced to her parents' and superiors' orders.

 

B'Elanna's biggest shock was finding Mortimer Harren working at one of the terminals in Engineering. He had taken a short vacation from the Institute of Cosmology on Orion One to visit some of his friends on Earth. Wouldn't you know, Mortimer's timing is as bad as ever. He told B'Elanna he's resigned to his fate. He'll still work on his Big Bang Cosmology theories, but he assured her it will only be during off duty hours until he's free to get back to his institute.

 

And there's one person I cannot wait to tell you about, Personal Log. Guess which "adopted" _Voyager_ crew member will now be able to claim he's actually been assigned to _Voyager_ , if only temporarily, and (one would hope) only in the Alpha Quadrant. Yes, that's right. Lieutenant Commander Reginald Barclay has finally achieved his ambition to serve on _Voyager_ as an organic, rather than a photonic, person.

 

Some faces around here are glum. Some are resigned to their fate, like good old Mortimer. And then there's Reg Barclay, the happiest guy in Starfleet. He's finally gotten to the place he's wanted to be for the past four years. Bravo, Reg!

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 56047.7_

Our formation currently consists of thirty seven ships. Ten more are expected to arrive within the next two days. Whatever is going to happen here might actually be over by then. We'll see. We're all in a state of readiness. Watchful waiting, I believe one of my professors called it. Right now I don't remember her name. Laren would probably have remembered. I remember I didn't like that professor too much. She reminded me of my father.

 

Although no one has officially said what it is we're doing here, Seven told us all we need to know. The spatial anomaly forming is a familiar one to all who were on _Voyager_ in the Delta Quadrant, especially Seven. All indications are that the rift is opening between Fluidic space and ours. We're waiting for representatives of Species 8472 to arrive. We know what happened to the Borg when they fought against them. We can only hope things will go better for us. Since Chakotay's visit to their training facility, I'd always hoped we'd end up as friends.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Personal Log Addendum_

 

The rift has opened. I counted ten bioships entering our space. They immediately spread out into a line, but it doesn't seem to be an aggressive formation. Once in place, the ships made no effort to attack us, or even move away from their positions once they'd taken them. It seems they're doing exactly the same thing we are. Waiting for something. Or someone.

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 56048.3_

 

Another large bioship has appeared, followed by two smaller vessels which definitely are _NOT_ bioships. They're spherical and covered with a multitude of mechanical attachments.

 

At first I thought the Borg spheres were either chasing or being chased by the large bioship. Then I realized all three were traveling in formation, eventually assuming the central position within the line of other bioships.

 

We were hailed, and Harry put them on screen. Familiar faces appeared. Boothby. Valerie Archer. Admiral Bulloch. These aren't the original people from the Alpha Quadrant, of course. The real Admiral Bulloch is on the _Australia_ right now. These are Fluidians, in humanoid dress. A few seconds later, the screen split into three sections. The Species 8472 images were in the center. On one side, I saw another face I recognized. Commander Korok, one of the leaders of the Borg resistance movement, was on the left. A lot of his implants have been removed, but with the scars and eyepatch over what had once been his mechanical eye, he actually looked a lot more Klingon than most Klingons I've ever met. He looked pretty good, and I couldn't keep the grin from my face. He grinned back at me. "Paris! It's good to see you again, and under better circumstances, I trust."

 

Since this was news to everyone on our bridge, I heard several gasps behind me, including one I was sure from my father's throat. Then I heard not only a gasp, but a murmured name. "Axum!"

 

The face on the right bobbed his head and said, "Annika, it is also good to see you once again." The voice had the husky vibrato of a subvocal processor. I'd heard of Axum, of course, the drone Seven had met with in Unimatrix Zero while she was in the Collective. I'd never seen him before. I didn't recognize his species, but if he's from the far reaches of the Beta Quadrant, that's to be expected. He appeared older than I'd imagined he would be from Seven's description of him. He also bore many scars on his face. Both of his eyes were organic, as far as I could tell, but he still had several metallic implants on his cheek and forehead. From my point of view, they were exotic pieces of face jewelry. Of course, I was used to seeing Seven's and Icheb's remaining implants. I'm not sure everyone else can see them in quite the favorable light that I do. That mention of "better circumstances" made me hope they weren't here to pick a fight with us after all. I could barely wait to find out what was going to happen.

 

During the next several minutes, Boothby proved to be in the central position of our discussions as well as on our view screen. The representatives of Species 8472 and the Borg Resistance Movement want to hold meetings with the Federation. They have important intelligence they wish to share with us.

 

But their primary purpose for calling on us is to meet with a select group of admirals and captains to discuss terms. Peace terms. They've come to make peace, not war.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

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_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 56049.8_

 

Boothby requested our first meeting to be held on _Voyager_ , since he'd been in our conference room before. This session was to set up the parameters for future meetings. "We've seen enough of you Dry Space people to know that can be complicated enough," Boothby remarked. He said they have created space with an atmosphere and furnishings suitable for "you humanoids" on their bioship. After the first two meetings, the talks will alternate between _Enterprise's_ conference room and the bioship. Clearly, someone from Fluidic Space has been studying diplomatic procedures in "Dry Space."

 

Extra chairs were provided for the first meeting on _Voyager_ , but there wasn't space for me at the table. I was fine with that. Dad requested I attend as his attaché, so I stood behind him. Seven, at Captain Janeway's request, was present and standing behind her. Admiral Hayes, the "real" Admiral Bulloch, my father, Captain Picard, Captain Chakotay, and several other representatives from the major ships of the line were crowded around the table. The Fluidians sent Boothby, Archer, and Bulloch. It was surreal to see two Admiral Bullochs eyeing each other suspiciously from either side of the table. I hadn't noticed how well the Fluidian version matched up with the original when the Fluidians came aboard _Voyager_ in the Delta Quadrant. I'd forgotten how officious Bulloch could be. Korok and Axum each had ex-Borg attachés sitting with them, too. I knew I'd have to keep my sense of humor in check or I'd get thrown out of the meeting. I resolved to control myself. This was one diplomatic negotiation I was determined to see.

 

After everyone was introduced, the initial item on the agenda was to determine what to call our visitors from Fluidic Space as a group. "Don't much like that Borg designation Species 8472. Being a number is demeaning," Boothby said. "Since we're all one people in our realm, we never needed a name to identify ourselves before learning about Dry Space."

 

Axum admitted, "We know they don't like it. Most of the time we've been able to say 'you' and 'us' when we speak. That may be difficult now with so many people of different species together. Would the rest of you like to use the Borg designations? We could let you know what they are if you do."

 

Just about everyone shook their heads at this. Even Axum didn't seem to think it was a good idea. There was a lull in the conversation. I filled it by raising my hand. Admiral Hayes acknowledged me, and I said, "When I've referred to the people of Fluidic Space in my personal logs, I've used the term 'Fluidians'. You might find it easier to say than 'People from Fluidic Space' all the time."

 

Boothby shot me the same look I'd seen many times on the grounds of the Academy when I said something clever to the real Boothby. "So, young Paris, isn't it? You're not just a pretty face, are you? Got a head on those shoulders, too. I approve. Does everyone else agree?" Everyone did, so I have one claim to fame. I gave the Fluidians their designation in Foundation Standard. Dad was smiling broadly, so I think I did good.

 

The next few minutes were rather boring, as the group decided on the times and locations of the next week's meetings. Once that was all agreed upon, there was a noticeable change in the atmosphere. We had arrived at the real reason we were together.

 

The Fluidian Admiral Bulloch spoke up. "We've been studying your people for several of your Federation years now, ever since we met up with this ship in the middle of our conflict with the Borg. You'd call it spying. We call it getting to know our neighbors, because they might be coming to invade us at any time. I was certain you people were preparing an invasion. When we met up with Commander . . . now Captain Chakotay, I see, and with Captain Janeway at one of our training stations, they told us you had no such intentions. They explained they'd invaded us because a person on their ship told them our intention was to eradicate all life in your Dry Space. Nonsense! We were defending ourselves from the Borg invasion of our realm. The Borg failed to mention that when they allied with Captain Janeway. After he'd had a chance to speak with you, Boothby here thought I was wrong to be so suspicious of you. I'm still suspicious. I thought your people were lying to us. However, in our observations since then, we've seen war preparations, but we were never mentioned as a target. Our agents told us you've never mentioned us at all until recently. I admit I might be wrong. Prove to me that I am."

 

Admiral Hayes ceded the floor to Captain Picard. "Sir, you are correct in stating that many of our people have been preparing for war. We must prepare for our defense. Some of _our_ 'neighbors' can be contentious, but none of us here, and the vast majority of people in the entire galaxy, have any wish to invade your realm. In fact, until the return of _Voyager_ last year, we never even knew Fluidic Space existed. In this quadrant we have been trying to recover from a conflict which cost many lives on both sides. Innocents were caught in the middle of battle and died along with the combatants. We assure you, the last thing we wish to do is to become involved in any wars at all, with anyone. The aim of our United Federation of Planets and our allies is to resolve all disagreements before they turn into armed conflicts. We welcome this chance to meet with you and, it is to be devoutly hoped, add the peoples of Fluidic Space, or the Fluidians, as Mr. Paris has suggested we call you, to become allies or even members of our Federation."

 

Murmurs, mostly positive ones from what I could tell, came from all around the table. Korok squinted his one eye at Picard and finally said in a voice that would be _sotto voce_ for a Klingon, but was at full volume for just about anyone else, "I recognize you, I believe. You are Locutus?"

 

Picard sighed. "I _was_ Locutus, briefly. I was assimilated to become a 'spokesman' for the Borg Queen. Fortunately, my assimilation had not taken complete hold before the crew of the _Enterprise_ succeeded in disconnecting me from the Collective. By that time, however, many thousands of our people and the bulk of our fleet had been destroyed at a place called Wolf 359. Thousands of individuals were assimilated by the Borg at that location as well. Perhaps you were one of those, Korok?"

 

After Korok nodded to indicate he was, Picard continued, "Our people are still wary of the Borg. They have caused great harm to many. I am extremely concerned for the future of individuals throughout the galaxy, since the former Borg Seven of Nine, now called Annika Hansen, has revealed the breadth of their penetration into the Milky Way galaxy. We know the transwarp hub system was severely damaged by _Voyager_ in the course of that ship's return to the Alpha Quadrant. Are you able to confirm the extent of the damage? What is the state of the Borg at the present time, to your knowledge?"

 

Axum responded, "We have what I believe you would consider good news on that score, Captain Picard. The transwarp hub has been completely destroyed everywhere. Since Fluidic Space touches approximately 90% of your galaxy, they have been helping us search for any Borg activity. Only a few Borg ships we've been able to locate appear to be operational as Hive minds, but the ships themselves are not linked with one another in any way. Those few are located in one of the outer arms of the Milky Way, in what you designate the Gamma Quadrant. In the rest of the galaxy, if a drone had not already been disconnected from the Collective when the Borg Queen and Unimatrix Zero One were destroyed, they died. Ships like ours which had already been taken over by the resistance, along with a few small scouts operated by drones who had the Unimatrix Zero mutation, appear to be the only other Borg vessels to survive. We do not know how you accomplished it, but we thank you for our freedom to exist as individuals."

 

"Do you know how many drones were controlled by the Queen when she . . . died?" Captain Janeway asked.

 

"The Queen would have known, but we are not certain. As far as we know, they numbered in the trillions," Korok stated.

 

"And how many have survived who were part of the resistance?" Captain Chakotay asked.

 

"At least one hundred thousand. We are still discovering survivors," Korok answered.

 

Captain Janeway had a pained expression on her face. "I had hoped we'd saved more. "

 

Axum replied, "We hoped there would be more, too, but those who were saved would not have been, if you and your crew had not freed us before Unimatrix Zero was destroyed."

 

"I never thought I'd ever feel sorry for any Borg," Boothby said. "That Borg Queen has much to answer for."

 

Admiral Hayes looked grim. "This is something we needed to know, but I can't say this news is pleasant to hear. The toll of individuals who were enslaved and now are dead is staggering. From what you say, it's possible the Borg could rise again from that isolated area in the Gamma Quadrant that you mentioned, or perhaps from others you haven't been able to find."

 

"Only if they can unite under a new Queen. We don't know if they even know how to create one. That knowledge must have been centered at Unimatrix Zero One. We've gone there to investigate. There's nothing there but debris and dust," Axum said.

 

"Now that we've got that grim story out of the way, what must we do to create a treaty of some sort?" Boothby asked. "We'll need to learn more about each other if we're going to cooperate with you. We've got a head start on that, thanks to our 'listening stations,' as my colleague has told you. We've got to set things up so my superiors in Fluidic Space, and yours in your Federation and elsewhere, can all get on board."

 

I heard several voices, one after the other, speaking about the logistics of peace talks and all the minutiae of a diplomatic conference before any progress can be made. It might be a boring part of talks like this, but a necessary one. My mind wandered, and suddenly, a swirling spatial anomaly which resolved into Captain Braxton's time ship came to mind. I shivered. I knew the reason I remembered this now. I'd thought destroying the Borg was the reason he'd sent us back to where we were in the Delta Quadrant. That was certainly one of the reasons, but now, I realized, there was much more. _This_ was the moment we were meant to reach.

 

I must have said something aloud, because my father was staring at me, and Captain Picard asked me if I had something to contribute to the discussion. For a moment I was tempted to apologize and say I did not, but then I looked at Captain Janeway and Captain Chakotay and saw their matching expressions of puzzlement. I couldn't let them down, or my father, either, by looking foolish. It would reflect on them.

 

"I'm sorry for interrupting, but I do have something to say. Captain, how many times have we experienced some sort of déjà vu or other sort of temporal anomaly, or we made a joke about Captain Braxton coming to tell us we were going to be destroyed if we didn't fix something that affected the future? But I'm looking over my shoulder now, and there's no sign of him yet. This really _is_ the something we can't mess up. It's the nexus of everything that will assure his future as well as ours. We not only need to make peace here and now, we also have to learn how to keep it, with the help of everyone here and people from planets we may not even know about yet. We have to bring stability to our galaxy and Fluidic Space, so we can create that future. I won't take the time to explain it more now. Our official logs will tell the story of when we met Henry Starling and his stolen ship from the future, for anyone who wants to know more.

 

"But our logs will also tell you what happened when we met all of you. Because we had to meet _all_ of you before any of this could come about. We had to meet the Fluidians, and create the resistance movement with the drones of Unimatrix Zero, and destroy the Collective the way we did, or the galaxy would have been overrun by the Borg. That's why certain . . . actions of a temporal nature were allowed to stand. And that's why we had to remember what happened when we were sent back to the Delta Quadrant from Southern California, even if it was against the 'Temporal Prime Directive'." I stopped to take a breath. So many of the faces around that table were looking at me in confusion or astonishment. "I don't want to take up any more of your time. You've got really important negotiations to complete, and this is just the beginning. But I need to add one thing. The future _isn't_ preordained. I think that was Captain Braxton's ultimate lesson. We have to make it, and we have to make it right, so all of our children will grow up in a galaxy that gives them the best chance for happiness. "

 

I sighed and leaned against the wall. At that moment I would really have liked to have a chair to sit on. I was weak in the knees, wondering if I was going to get my head handed to me in the next five minutes for speaking out the way I did. After all, I'm only an attaché. I wasn't supposed to say anything at all, and now I'd spoken up twice!

 

From across the room, a gravelly old man's voice stated, for the record, "So, he really does have a good head on those shoulders, doesn't he, Admiral Paris?"

 

My father didn't have to tell me he was proud of me. He was beaming.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 56074.3_

 

The last meeting is about to take place. The diplomats have arrived from Earth and from Fluidic Space for the dotting of the "I's" and crossing of the "T's." It was a jolt to see the humanoid persona adopted by the Fluidians' "superior." A lot of folks at the peace conference inquired if Ben Sisko, the former Starfleet Captain and the Bajoran's Emissary, has always been a Fluidian. They assured us he was not. The Fluidians aren't any more sure about what kind of entity he is than we are, but "he seemed to be a good choice for a face-to-face meeting with you." The Bajorans were certainly thrilled; the Cardassians, less so.

 

The Romulans showed up a week after the conference began. They didn't want to be left out when they heard we were discussing the Big Topics. I don't think the Fluidians like them that much. The Fluidians are much more relaxed around Klingons. I heard Valerie Archer took part in an epic drinking contest one night and won. Well, what do you expect? Fluidians breathe liquid. She literally drank them all under the table.

 

B'Elanna and I are eager to get back to Miral. We've had subspace com visits, of course, but I want to hug my little baby. I miss her, but what we're doing here is important for her future, so we'll stick it out. I've attended some of the meetings as Dad's attaché, but Reg has accompanied him for many of the others. I've had a lot of down time. There's not a lot for a helmsman to do when a fleet is hanging in space. I've spent some of my time designing a new holodeck program. This one is designed for kids just a little older than Miral. I'd like to get it up and running by the time we get home so we can test it out together. It's a variation of the Fair Haven program, with a hint of Flotter thrown in. If it comes out well, I think I'll submit it to a publisher. T'Archand and Noble has expressed some interest in "The Adventures of Captain Proton." Maybe I'll work on brushing up that program, too.

 

We've had a couple of social evenings with our guests from Fluidic Space. The first time one of them "reverted" was pretty scary, but it was probably a good thing for those who didn't know to see what they really look like. They were very apologetic for the disturbance.

 

I've enjoyed mixing with the former Borg. Korok is a trip. He was delighted to finally meet B'Elanna, since he knew she had been on the Borg cube he'd helped us attack in order to rescue our away team. Axum has become very chummy with all of our crew, too. Doc has already given him a couple of "treatments" to improve his appearance and his functioning. Seven, or Annika, as she now wishes everyone to call her, is an excellent advertisement for Doc's abilities in plastic surgery and "implant modification." Doc's appointment calendar is filled every day. The most popular procedure: removal of the emotion inhibiter from cortical implants. When Korok had his removed, he _REALLY_ became the life of the party.

 

Axum said his species name was the Ioroni. As far as he knows, he's the last one. They lived in the Beta Quadrant, and the entire population was assimilated at the same time. As they had just begun developing space flight, they were only living on one planet when the Borg came calling. He believes they were assimilated for his species' physical properties and adaptability. Now that he's no longer a drone, he's looking for a "place to call home." From the way Annika looks at Axum, I think we know the answer to the Harry and "Seven" question. They're going to be very good friends for the rest of their lives. Annika confided to B'Elanna that she was glad she had the opportunity for "First Love" with Chakotay, because now she knows what love truly is.

 

Harry doesn't seem to mind Annika's relationship with Axum as much as I thought he would. He's been spending a lot of time with Marla lately. B'Elanna keeps telling me to "butt out, Cupid," when I mention them in the same breath.

 

Noah and Marla both seem to be more relaxed than I've ever seen them before. That "mistake" by the Personnel Department was one of the best they ever made. The entire time Noah and Marla were with us on _Voyager_ on the trip home, they were sad about what had happened in the past and worried about what the future might bring to them. Because they served on this mission, they doubt they'll have to worry about any future repercussions from "that ship," as they now refer to their former assignment. They both say they can return to civilian life feeling better about their resignations from Starfleet. They only wish Jim, Brian, and Angelo had had the opportunity, too, but all of them were far away on their merchant ships. When they contacted them through subspace, all three indicated things were going well for them. So, as terrible as their lives on "that ship" were, life has gone on for them all.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 56084.7_

 

Some of the fleet's younger members expressed disappointment that they hadn't had a chance to "blow up anything real good" on this mission, since it turned out to be a peaceful one. I know it had a better outcome than I could ever have imagined, and, as you know Personal Log, I can imagine quite a lot. As we proceeded through the Solar System, however, we were greeted by a bunch of deep space "firework" displays that warmed the hearts of even our most jaded crew members. Icheb was at his station at Astrometrics with Annika. They've seen plenty of beautiful interstellar phenomenon, sparkling nebulas, and exotic star systems on that view screen. Both of them said they found the display "impressive."  That's Borgspeak for "spectacular."

 

There will be more such displays in the atmosphere to celebrate the signing of the "Interdimensional Peace Accord," as it's been dubbed (at my suggestion -- you may hold your applause until the end of the entry, Personal Log). Every problem throughout the galaxy hasn't been resolved. The Romulans haven't signed on yet, although our sources say the Fluidian's power and weaponry have them rethinking their position on joining up with us. It's simple self-interest. The Romulans have always been good at that. Once the Cardassians caved in and signed on the dotted line, the likelihood most of the other races will eventually join in has increased exponentially.

 

There are many races in the Delta Quadrant which have no idea any of this is going on. When I consider how powerful the Hirogen can be, as well as many others we encountered, I have to wonder how the races we never had the chance to meet on our journey will react. I'm hopeful things will work out in the end, though. We have some really powerful allies now in the Fluidians, who have access to almost as much of the galaxy the Borg did with their transwarp hub. Now that they understand we Dry Space folks are a widely varied bunch who really aren't out to get them, they accept they must adapt to get along with us. They can provide a lot of stability and continuity for us all.

 

_End Personal Log_

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Chief Helmsman's Personal Log, Stardate 56088.8_

As soon as _Voyager_ arrived at Spacedock, Mom showed up with Miral in her arms. Dad was there, too, chucking his "little missy" on the chin and looking as happy and content as I've ever seen him. It was a very happy family reunion, which will be complete when we see my sisters' families and John Torres tomorrow, after we disembark from _Voyager._ B'Elanna and I will be on leave for three weeks before we'll have to report to our next posting.

 

Axum is remaining in the Sol System for the foreseeable future as an Ambassador to the Federation from the Interdimensional Peace Accord Group. That's his title for now. The former Borg haven't decided on terminology for themselves yet. They're looking for a planet with an environment amenable to the majority, one which they can all call Home. Some, like Korok, will return to their home worlds, but most don't know if any of their people survived after the Borg got through with their planets. All the Dry Space signatories are searching for one that isn't already occupied and will fit the Borg survivor's specifications. Failing that, terraformers will work on changing the environment of an unoccupied world to fit the former Borgs' needs. Once they've settled on one, Axum says they'll decide on a name for it. Then he'll be the Ambassador from the Whatever-It-Is planet.

As of tomorrow, I will be assigned officially to Utopia Planitia as a test pilot. B'Elanna and Annika will both be assigned there as well as Propulsion Researchers. Since the final flight tests for the Delta Flyer series were completed while the peace talks were taking place, production on a major scale for the new shuttles will commence as soon as next week. Harry has been assigned Production Coordinator. After that is up and running to everyone's satisfaction, he'll request a posting to a starship. Harry's been promoted to Lieutenant Commander. So have I. Marla and Noah are returning to their civilian jobs. Icheb and his fellow cadets are returning to Starfleet Academy to be educated in classrooms instead of on starships. Reg is returning to Pathfinder. He's already working on ideas to create a system to communicate with the Fluidians in their own realm more easily. The rest of the crew of _Voyager_ will also be returning to the positions they'd held before this last mission came up, or they will request new postings.

 

Yes, Personal Log. It's time. I'm going to have to say goodbye to your heading. Not to you! Never to you! But you'll be the Personal Log of Lieutenant Commander Thomas E. Paris from now on.

 

 _Voyager_ has finally flown her last mission. Tomorrow, I'll land _Voyager_ on the Presidio and we'll disembark from there. In about three months, they say, she'll reopen as a museum, with exhibits scattered throughout the ship. We'll have a major one in the conference room, which will be fitted with holoemitters so that the group that came together for the first session of the peace accord conference can be immortalized. Dad will be there. So will I. An image of B'Elanna will work in Engineering. At her insistence, Joe Carey will be in the background. Quite a few who never made it home will be memorialized elsewhere in the museum's exhibits. Neelix will be holding court in the Mess Hall. I understand Kes will be there working next to him.

 

It will be difficult to visit for the first time, but after a while, I think I might enjoy strolling through the corridors again, remembering the good times we had on board, as well as the friends we made and those we lost.

 

It will all mean even more to me than most of my crew mates. Not only did I meet the love of my life on board this ship, but I became a new man on the journey home. I finally accepted I was the one person who was mucking up my life, and I decided to make some changes. Of all the people who served on _Voyager_ , I owe it the most. It gave me my life back. The people I served with helped give me my life back. I will always be grateful.

_End Personal Log_

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Personal Log Addenda: Significant Dates in History:_

_Stardate 56447.3:_ Opening of the _Voyager_ Museum of Space Exploration, the Presidio, San Francisco, California, Earth, Sol System

 

 _Stardate 56980.3_ : The Delta Quadrant 2371-78 Campaign Ribbon was presented to the crews of _Phoenix_ , _Equinox_ , and _Voyager_ (including the entire roster of the _Val Jean_ ) in recognition of their sacrifices as representatives of the Federation. An announcement was also made that no other commendations will be awarded to any but the crew of _Voyager_ , in deference to the fact only the senior staff of that vessel is available to nominate a person for an award for valor.

 

 _Stardate 58848.5:_   Date of official settlement of Accordia, the world chosen by the former Borg who wished to reside with those who shared the "assimilation experience," or who were unable to locate any of their own people for repatriation. On this date, Axum became the Ambassador to the Federation from Accordia.

_Stardate 59789.3:_   Birth of Kathryn Alicia Paris on the _USS Enterprise_ , during the second year of the posting of Chief Engineer Commander B'Elanna Torres and Chief Helmsman/Second Officer Commander Thomas E. Paris.

 

 _Stardate 62647.6:_   Births of John Korok Paris and Owen Booth Paris on Klingon Homeworld, to Federation Liaison B'Elanna Torres and Commander Thomas E. Paris, Embassy Attaché.

 

 _Stardate 69554.7:_ Marriage of Lieutenant Naomi Wildman to Commander Icheb on the _Delta Voyager,_ while taking part in the first convoy to trace the journey of the original _Voyager._ During its four year mission, peaceful relations were established with many of the worlds visited by _Voyager,_ as well as others which had not been encountered during that journey.

 

 _Stardate 77447.4:_   Marriage of  Lieutenant j.g Miral Paris to Lieutenant j.g. Thomas Riker, AKA Rikaar Thomas, at the House of the Prophets on Bajor. Both sets of parents and the siblings of the bride and groom were in attendance.

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_Partial Bibliography_

 

The Delta Blues, 19th edition; James Wright; Sacramento, 2457

 

Jammer's Reviews, 22nd edition; Jamahl Epsicokhan; London, 2457

 

The Personal Logs of Thomas E. Paris; private collection (family)

 

The Star Trek Chronology, 15th edition; Michael Okuda and Denise Okuda; New York, 2433.

 

Tom Paris: Holodeck Programmer Extraordinaire; Mark Lewis Zimmerman; San Francisco, 2447

 

The _Voyager_ Companion , 21st edition; Paul Ruditis; San Francisco, 2453.

 

The _Voyager_ Papers: the Historic Journey of the _USS Voyager_ through the Delta Quadrant, Newly Updated with Material Declassified under the Freedom of Information Act;  Rick Berman, Kenneth Biller, Brannon Braga, Jimmy Diggs, Robert Doherty, Bryan Fuller, Mark Gaberman, Raf Green, James Kahn, Lisa Klink, Harry Doc Kloor, Joe Menosky, Ron D. Moore, Michael Piller, Andrew Shepard Price, Nick Sagan, Phyllis Strong, Michael Sussman, Jeri Taylor, Michael Taylor, et.al.; Los Angeles, 2447.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

_Addendum to Afterword by Miral's editor, jamelia_

 

From my first viewing of "The Caretaker," _Star Trek: Voyager_ became my favorite version of Star Trek. It wasn't just the fact that Kathryn Janeway was the first female captain, although that certainly helped. All the characters impressed me. I immediately loved them all (yes, even Neelix), just as much as I loved Captain Kirk and company. I was in the television audience the night the original series premiered on NBC in 1966, and I continued watching all the iterations of Trek through _Star Trek: Enterprise_ (which expired three years too soon). I can't say my love of _Voyager_ was due to the fact it was always the "best." I believe "The Caretaker" was the best of all the _premiere_ episodes of the various series, but many episodes of _Star Trek: The Next Generation_ and _Star Trek: Deep Space Nine_ were equal to or better than the best of _Voyager_.

 

However, when it comes to fanfic, I find _Voyager_ provides the most fertile source material. For one thing, the overlap with both TNG and DS9 means that characters from both those series can appear in _Voyager_ fanfic very easily. In fact, during the course of the series, TNG's Reg Barclay and Deanna Troi both became recurring characters on _Voyager_.

 

The heart of _Voyager_ was always "the journey." For this reason, the writers never followed up on many promising storylines. While writing this piece, I went back and watched almost all of the episodes again. (After all, the show's finale aired fifteen years ago. I remembered a lot about them, but not well enough to write anything like this.) The only ones I skipped were the ones in which the reset button was pushed so that _no one_ on the ship knew a change in the timeline had taken place. This was unfortunate in the cases of "Before and After" and "The Year of Hell Parts 1 and 2;" as those are among my favorites. However, by the parameters I'd set for the writing of this story, Tom had to either experience an event, observe it happening, or learn of it from someone else. Otherwise, he couldn't record anything about it in his logs. When I could, I "hinted" about some of those other episodes (as I did with Kes' encounter with B'Elanna in "Before and After"), but that's all I could do.

 

My primary reason for presenting this opus, however, is that many storylines never had their proper follow-up. I must confess I was upset with "Endgame" when it aired originally, since nothing had been said about how the Maquis and, especially, the _Equinox_ Five, were handled. I now see why they didn't address some of these questions. It would be tough to do, especially as a follow up to all those big booms in "Endgame." From the "party scene" in Admiral Janeway's apartment, we were to draw certain conclusions. It was a subtle kind of continuity I missed the first time. I suspect many others did, as well. In fact, by binge-watching, I realized the producers had slipped in more continuity than was apparent when the series was viewed on a week-to-week basis. But what _was_ the reason everyone remembered the events of "Futures End?" Why did Braxton let the Doc keep that mobile emitter with its 29 th century technology? The lack of mention of the _Equinox_ Five after that two-parter was over, not to mention the little Borg baby who wasn't even mentioned at the end of "Collective" so we knew what had happened her, truly rankled. I wanted explanations, people! The books that came out afterwards didn't cut it for me.

 

Because I'm not subject to the restrictions of episodic television, I can provide continuity where I wish and say, "and this is also what happened." Whenever I could, I stuck to the canon of the show, even if I was unhappy with it (Mezoti, I wish we'd seen more of you). When elements of my own fanfic could be shoehorned into the logs to my satisfaction, they're in there. As for relationships, I'm sure rabid J/Cers or C/7ers won't be happy that neither relationship was confirmed, although there's more for the J/C fan (since I was one of them from the beginning of the show). I actually surprised myself that I didn't end up putting Harry and Seven together, but by the end of this journey, I didn't think they would have been a couple in this universe. Most of the relationships have been left open-ended, other than P/T, of course. If there's one thing I'm happy about, it's that Paris and Torres did become a couple who'd married and had a baby by the end of the series. The relationshipper in me is very grateful for that.

 

My "bibliography" is meant to provide thanks to the series' writers (the "et al" is for the writers who were credited on three or less of the scripts) and to others who provided resources I used to supplement my viewing of the episodes on DVD (plus a joke at the Doc's expense).

 

I also wish to thank my co-writers on the "Voyager Virtual Season 7.5" project. Some of what I contributed to that group has filtered into this work, but as is true in every collaborative effort, I would have handled a few things differently than the group ultimately did in writing that project. I've had the chance to include some of what I would have preferred in this story.  Brainstorming with that group, especially Christina, Penny, Juli, Rocky, CyberMum and Diane, was a wonderful process and a beautiful memory. And last, but not least, thanks are due to Constable Katie, Tex, pjs, pjinnh, the people of PTFever, and the PTCollective message board for all your support and encouragement during my many years of fanfic writing. Thanks, all of you!

 

This afterword would not be complete without the following disclaimer: Paramount and the producers of _Star Trek: Voyager_ are the sole owners of these characters and storylines as  presented on the series. I don't own them, never will, and won't ever receive a penny for this work of fanfiction. I just hope there are some people left out there to read and enjoy it.

 

April, 2016 -- jamelia  ([jamelia116@aol.com](mailto:jamelia116@aol.com) and jamelia1106@gmail.com)  

 


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